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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

12 yo DS watching porn

83 replies

TiffanyLamp · 05/03/2023 21:29

Can’t believe I’m typing this. Literally last Christmas he believed in Father Christmas!
DS is in 50 / 50 custody. I saw his dad at the school on Friday and he said he borrowed DS’s phone to do something on the car. ExH managed to bypass the password and saw that DS had been watching porn.

Now we’re pretty open minded about sex but we’re both a bit shocked that it’s so early. But we’re older parents - both 50 so we’re probably out of touch with the rate of change of the digital world.

ive had a quick Google. I don’t want to shame DS, but I do want to protect him.
I don’t know the password on his phone. He said he wanted his privacy. I respected that in that he can have private conversations with his friends. He’s a sensible, mature child. But free access to pornhub is not within that remit.

so I found out a couple of days ago. We’ve also had a bereavement in the family, so I’m dealing with that. However I want to talk with DS about this soon. Like tomorrow.

obviously he’s curious about sex. What books resources do you suggest explaining sex with emotions, respect etc.

a couple of years ago, I bought him an age appropriate book about his developing body. He was embarrassed at me reading it with him and I’m not sure where it’s even gone. I’m not sure how involved I should get in teaching him about normal sex. This might be one for his dad to discuss the nitty gritty details. I’m not shy, I just want DS to be receptive and know he’s not in trouble,

OP posts:
MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 06/03/2023 08:18

TiffanyLamp · 05/03/2023 22:07

I really like the idea about a box with a note.
good point about keeping the phone downstairs and parental controls.

ive just found this old mumsnet guest post talking about porn.
www.mumsnet.com/talk/guest_posts/2191917-Guest-post-How-to-talk-to-your-teenagers-about-porn

also this more recent tedx talk about porn and how to bring critical thinking about porn in the open.

im going to have a conversation about it in the car tomorrow on the way to school. I just remembered that I saw some porn mags when we were staying at a friends house. I was only 9. They were naked women, so nothing hardcore. My mum was so shocked and I got told off and felt shamed. I’m not going to do this to my son, but I’m going to use it as an intro to bring it into the open tomorrow.

ill keep googling resources.

It's awful now, we don't have mags now which are shocking but not as graphic as videos. Kids are curious these days and are confronted with full on porn as their first port of call!

Yumyo · 06/03/2023 09:58

Can I jump on here to ask what parental controls people are using? My children only have internet access on our main computer which we have the bt internet settings so that they supposedly can’t access porn, violence, gambling etc. but I am not sure really how effective they are. We have computer in the main living area too which helps. On their phones I have completely removed access to safari, google and YouTube. As I just can’t figure out how to make it safe. I am not very technical and I am stuck on google family link. I can’t seem to work out how to connect my phone to theirs. It says to go to their phone, open settings, google and parental control. But I can’t see parental control listed in their settings anywhere. I did try giving them google on safe search and I selected limit adult websites. But this seems like a fairly ineffective control. I am just wondering if I should try and install quostodio instead. I am sick of trying to police this with them. Many people in here if you ask tell me there has to be a certain amount of trust with your kids and open dialogue etc but I think it’s hard as their curiosity is just too overwhelming for them.

Madamecastafiore · 06/03/2023 10:01

Depends what carrier he is on but I know with EE you can stop them accessing age inappropriate websites. He is too young to not have to let you check his phone. He wants you to pay for it then you get to check it.

waterrat · 06/03/2023 11:35

@Yumyo do they have iphones? Iphones unfortunatly are designed to actively stop any outside apps working on them.

I read an article explaining all of this will try to find - you can only use google family link effectively on android phones.

Yumyo · 06/03/2023 12:25

Ah. Yes they have iPhones. I didn’t realise this. Hmm. That’s helpful to know. I liked the fact they have iPhones as I can see where they are with location sharing . But and I can completely deny access to certain apps. But I need a happy medium which doesn’t seem to exist

Original poster
TiffanyLamp · 06/03/2023 12:33

Thanks to the people who have given me more measured responses to this issue.

we have also had a bereavement by suicide in the family this week, so I am treading very carefully with my son, but the conversation about porn could not wait.

we spoke on the way to school and he told me that one of his friends had borrowed his phone at recess. This is what he had told his dad too. I do believe my son on this part. We live in France and the french are pretty “laissez-faire” in their attitude to sex.

I’m sure he’s seen stuff too. But he did ask me “what’s porn”. It’s obviously not a word he’s come across as he speaks French to his friends and it’s not a dinner table conversation here. He said his phone was at home today but I couldn’t find it. I’m sure he will have spoken to his friends today and probably cleared the history.

i will be setting up parental controls today and keeping the phone with me at night.

for those of you have been very judgemental, please reread what you type before you hit send. (And this does not apply to just this thread).

I have had a majorly shit week having a suicide in the family and my 12yo having access to porn. I am not going to shame my child and come down on him like a ton of bricks. We are going to have ongoing conversations and controls in place to protect him, so that he does not go underground. I already told him this morning that he was not in trouble but I needed his password and access to his phone.

i didn’t get a mobile phone or use the internet much till I was at least 25. We also live extremely rurally. So all of the millennials out there rolling their eyes at me, the internet protection stuff is pretty new to me, and the french are about 15 years behind when it comes to tech anyway, as everything recent is in English due to the US influence.

OP posts:
Yumyo · 06/03/2023 12:43

I feel for you tiffanylamp the whole situation with children’s access to the internet everywhere is a nightmare for parents to navigate. And anyone who says well it’s the parent’s responsibility to manage this and keep their children safe. Of course we all try our best but not everyone is entirely capable in this respect and it’s quite complicated to work out. I am extremely responsible parent and consider myself to be fairy intelligent and I still find it difficult to navigate. And all the children to families who don’t even try to manage this or don’t know how (I am talking about parents who aren’t even on this thread here) There will be so many children who aren’t being protected and I really think always pushing back responsibility to the parents is unfair on the children. More should be done by the companies providing these phones and making money and more also by the government. But for some reason they don’t want to

snowtrees · 06/03/2023 12:50

A friend of mine walked to school behind two 10 year old (Yr6) watching porn on their phone about 2.5 years ago. It's so sad

NomadicSpirit · 06/03/2023 12:52

@TiffanyLamp I'm really sorry for your loss and cannot imagine how you feel. I hope you're getting the support you need.

And I have already said, but I think you're handling this really well. I have an IT background and think I know stuff in this area, but I never considered the 11 year old step son would have been looking at porn (sleepover and the other boy showed him apparently).

It's a different world out there. I don't think I had my first mobile until I was thirty and I'm glad I didn't grow up in the environment kids find themselves these days. Making and crashing go karts and climbing in trees and playing hide and seek was my life at 11. I didn't find that magazine under a bush until I was 14!

Take care

oakleaffy · 06/03/2023 13:09

WunWun · 05/03/2023 22:25

You need to put parental controls on straight away. I take it you've never looked at a porn site? It would be hard to find anything vanilla these days. A quick glance at any site and you will see step sister, brutal anal, teen gangbangs, women being tied up and slappedetc on the front of the sight. I would be beside myself if I found my child (similar age to yours) had been looking at it. It's very hard not to judge tbh. You've given a 12 year old boy free range on the internet. You've no idea how long he's been watching it, what he's seen.

My brother says porn is SOOOO nasty compared to when he was a teenager ( No Internet available on phones then)
It was “
Playboy” or “Razzle”.
Nowadays its meant to be brutal.
Parental locks are all you can do.

Top shelf mag days are long gone.

Original poster
TiffanyLamp · 06/03/2023 15:03

Yumyo · 06/03/2023 12:43

I feel for you tiffanylamp the whole situation with children’s access to the internet everywhere is a nightmare for parents to navigate. And anyone who says well it’s the parent’s responsibility to manage this and keep their children safe. Of course we all try our best but not everyone is entirely capable in this respect and it’s quite complicated to work out. I am extremely responsible parent and consider myself to be fairy intelligent and I still find it difficult to navigate. And all the children to families who don’t even try to manage this or don’t know how (I am talking about parents who aren’t even on this thread here) There will be so many children who aren’t being protected and I really think always pushing back responsibility to the parents is unfair on the children. More should be done by the companies providing these phones and making money and more also by the government. But for some reason they don’t want to

Thank you for understanding.
Yes blockers to the shit parts of the internet should be standard and yo7 should have to actively opt in to be able to access it.
The internet is changing so fast that parenting classes can’t keep up.

ive joined a Facebook group on the suggestion of another mums thread which protects kids online. I haven’t had a chance to dive into it yet.

it’s hard to have an almost teenage boy, when you want to keep lines of communication open and also keeping them safe.

OP posts:
Original poster
TiffanyLamp · 06/03/2023 15:05

NomadicSpirit · 06/03/2023 12:52

@TiffanyLamp I'm really sorry for your loss and cannot imagine how you feel. I hope you're getting the support you need.

And I have already said, but I think you're handling this really well. I have an IT background and think I know stuff in this area, but I never considered the 11 year old step son would have been looking at porn (sleepover and the other boy showed him apparently).

It's a different world out there. I don't think I had my first mobile until I was thirty and I'm glad I didn't grow up in the environment kids find themselves these days. Making and crashing go karts and climbing in trees and playing hide and seek was my life at 11. I didn't find that magazine under a bush until I was 14!

Take care

Thank you.
yes DS dad was a bit shocked that it was so early. In his day it was about 15 when the “girly mags” were being passed round.
Just spoke to a young French guy (24) who works with children, and he said sadly 12 is not unusual to have seen porn.

OP posts:
Rhondaa · 06/03/2023 15:25

Sorry about your loss op Flowers

Regarding apps and blocks etc, imo the biggest deterrent is saying he doesn't get unrestricted privacy at 12. The deal is while you pay for his phone you get to know his password and do unannounced checks. Harsh but necessary. When he has earned your trust and certainly by age 15 and over of course they get to have secret passcodes but not at 12.

Original poster
TiffanyLamp · 06/03/2023 15:29

Rhondaa · 06/03/2023 15:25

Sorry about your loss op Flowers

Regarding apps and blocks etc, imo the biggest deterrent is saying he doesn't get unrestricted privacy at 12. The deal is while you pay for his phone you get to know his password and do unannounced checks. Harsh but necessary. When he has earned your trust and certainly by age 15 and over of course they get to have secret passcodes but not at 12.

Thank you.
Yes, I agreed to respect his privacy so that he could have private conversations with his friends. It never occurred to me that his phone would be used to surf for porn.

right, pick up time.

OP posts:
MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 06/03/2023 15:29

There's awful statistics about the majority of 11 year olds ( boys AND girls) having already seen porn. I can't remember what percentage but I think it was something horrifying like 70 % of children.

I have no idea what happened to the proposal that you had to opt in to view porn, that sounded pretty sensible. I suppose covid happened and that got put on the back burner but we are seriously failing our kids.

Hope the chat goes well OP x

newtb · 06/03/2023 15:36

OP don't let him go searching the DVDs in la Foire Fouille, they have oral sex images on the covers!!

Rhondaa · 06/03/2023 15:37

'Yes, I agreed to respect his privacy so that he could have private conversations with his friends.'

Yes and understandably so, but these chats do also need an occasional parental check at that age imo. I know it's a contentious issue regarding accessing chats but honestly they don't always behave the same online as they do irl and the odd check on chats is necessary until you're confident he's interacting appropriately, with friends and not strangers for starters.

It may encourage him to be more careful generally and a parent really should always be able to access a 12yr old's browsing history.

AliceOlive · 06/03/2023 15:41

I would consider getting him a phone that only has voice and text.

mathanxiety · 06/03/2023 16:10

TiffanyLamp · 06/03/2023 12:33

Thanks to the people who have given me more measured responses to this issue.

we have also had a bereavement by suicide in the family this week, so I am treading very carefully with my son, but the conversation about porn could not wait.

we spoke on the way to school and he told me that one of his friends had borrowed his phone at recess. This is what he had told his dad too. I do believe my son on this part. We live in France and the french are pretty “laissez-faire” in their attitude to sex.

I’m sure he’s seen stuff too. But he did ask me “what’s porn”. It’s obviously not a word he’s come across as he speaks French to his friends and it’s not a dinner table conversation here. He said his phone was at home today but I couldn’t find it. I’m sure he will have spoken to his friends today and probably cleared the history.

i will be setting up parental controls today and keeping the phone with me at night.

for those of you have been very judgemental, please reread what you type before you hit send. (And this does not apply to just this thread).

I have had a majorly shit week having a suicide in the family and my 12yo having access to porn. I am not going to shame my child and come down on him like a ton of bricks. We are going to have ongoing conversations and controls in place to protect him, so that he does not go underground. I already told him this morning that he was not in trouble but I needed his password and access to his phone.

i didn’t get a mobile phone or use the internet much till I was at least 25. We also live extremely rurally. So all of the millennials out there rolling their eyes at me, the internet protection stuff is pretty new to me, and the french are about 15 years behind when it comes to tech anyway, as everything recent is in English due to the US influence.

Your son is very likely lying to you about how it came to be that he was consuming pornography.

Not being able to find the phone - lying again about it being at home.

I think when you eventually get your hands on it, you need to confiscate it and replace it with a phone that does text and calls only.

You mention the French laissez faire attitude to sex as if pornography is about sex.

It is not, and you either need to look at some with your own eyes or believe what people here are saying about the brutal and sadistic treatment of women in present day pornography.

It's a far cry from nudge nudge wink wink Benny Hillesque bums and tits these days.

mathanxiety · 06/03/2023 16:12

And phone tech doesn't vary from country to country.

The same tech is available worldwide.

AviMav · 06/03/2023 16:15

AliceOlive · 06/03/2023 15:41

I would consider getting him a phone that only has voice and text.

This is over board. OP has said she will speak with her Son. Perhaps he lied... because he was embarrassed.

I would only do what you are suggesting as a last resort because my Son was choosing to push boundaries after he had been warned.

NomadicSpirit · 06/03/2023 16:55

@mathanxiety OR her son is telling the truth and isn't lying. You don't know and the OP has enough on her plate without having more lined up. Assuming her son isn't lying (and the OP will know better than any of us and she and her husband believe him), then it was a one off that someone else did.

And yes, online porn is pretty horrific in places (not everywhere as the major players were forced to start cleaning up their acts to an extent a couple of years ago) but I don't think the OP has said anywhere that she doesn't believe that to be the case. Again, I'm not sure the "its worse than you think" mentality is helping someone who is also suffering from a bereavement.

Original poster
TiffanyLamp · 06/03/2023 17:44

NomadicSpirit · 06/03/2023 16:55

@mathanxiety OR her son is telling the truth and isn't lying. You don't know and the OP has enough on her plate without having more lined up. Assuming her son isn't lying (and the OP will know better than any of us and she and her husband believe him), then it was a one off that someone else did.

And yes, online porn is pretty horrific in places (not everywhere as the major players were forced to start cleaning up their acts to an extent a couple of years ago) but I don't think the OP has said anywhere that she doesn't believe that to be the case. Again, I'm not sure the "its worse than you think" mentality is helping someone who is also suffering from a bereavement.

Thank you x

OP posts:
Original poster
TiffanyLamp · 06/03/2023 17:46

mathanxiety · 06/03/2023 16:10

Your son is very likely lying to you about how it came to be that he was consuming pornography.

Not being able to find the phone - lying again about it being at home.

I think when you eventually get your hands on it, you need to confiscate it and replace it with a phone that does text and calls only.

You mention the French laissez faire attitude to sex as if pornography is about sex.

It is not, and you either need to look at some with your own eyes or believe what people here are saying about the brutal and sadistic treatment of women in present day pornography.

It's a far cry from nudge nudge wink wink Benny Hillesque bums and tits these days.

Show quote history

Wow. You quoted my post and still came out with that attitude. You’ve been on mumsnet for years. I recognise your user name. Your posts are borderline bullying.

OP posts:
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