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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

12 yo DS watching porn

83 replies

TiffanyLamp · 05/03/2023 21:29

Can’t believe I’m typing this. Literally last Christmas he believed in Father Christmas!
DS is in 50 / 50 custody. I saw his dad at the school on Friday and he said he borrowed DS’s phone to do something on the car. ExH managed to bypass the password and saw that DS had been watching porn.

Now we’re pretty open minded about sex but we’re both a bit shocked that it’s so early. But we’re older parents - both 50 so we’re probably out of touch with the rate of change of the digital world.

ive had a quick Google. I don’t want to shame DS, but I do want to protect him.
I don’t know the password on his phone. He said he wanted his privacy. I respected that in that he can have private conversations with his friends. He’s a sensible, mature child. But free access to pornhub is not within that remit.

so I found out a couple of days ago. We’ve also had a bereavement in the family, so I’m dealing with that. However I want to talk with DS about this soon. Like tomorrow.

obviously he’s curious about sex. What books resources do you suggest explaining sex with emotions, respect etc.

a couple of years ago, I bought him an age appropriate book about his developing body. He was embarrassed at me reading it with him and I’m not sure where it’s even gone. I’m not sure how involved I should get in teaching him about normal sex. This might be one for his dad to discuss the nitty gritty details. I’m not shy, I just want DS to be receptive and know he’s not in trouble,

OP posts:
Sulkyatforty · 06/03/2023 04:40

I’m terrified of this sort of thing happening when my DDs get older. My only contribution is to say don’t have the convo en route to school, as you’re time bound and potentially rushed. Maybe more appropriate for his dad to have the convo but either way do it when u don’t have the added pressure of getting to school on time. Good luck!

mathanxiety · 06/03/2023 04:42

You need to take the phone away, and do not give it back until he agrees to full access for you and his dad.

He who pays the piper calls the tune here.

You need to learn how to set very strict parental controls on the phone.

When you sit him down to talk, you should not place the viewing of porn in the context of sex. In fact, it would be the wrong context and give him the wrong idea. Porn is t about aex. It's about power and about control of other human beings. It's about exploitation and abuse.

The question of porn belongs in the topic of basic respect for other human beings. It belongs in the topic of civil behaviour and human decency at its most fundamental level. We don't use other people for our own gratification. We are not entitled to view or use the bodies or images of other people for any reason. This is basic stuff.

I don't see why you are so reluctant to 'shame' him. He knows or must know on some level that what he has been doing is wrong. That is why he tried to stop you from seeing the phone. He is not a child regardless of recent belief in Santa Claus.

Original poster
TiffanyLamp · 06/03/2023 05:23

mathanxiety · 06/03/2023 04:42

You need to take the phone away, and do not give it back until he agrees to full access for you and his dad.

He who pays the piper calls the tune here.

You need to learn how to set very strict parental controls on the phone.

When you sit him down to talk, you should not place the viewing of porn in the context of sex. In fact, it would be the wrong context and give him the wrong idea. Porn is t about aex. It's about power and about control of other human beings. It's about exploitation and abuse.

The question of porn belongs in the topic of basic respect for other human beings. It belongs in the topic of civil behaviour and human decency at its most fundamental level. We don't use other people for our own gratification. We are not entitled to view or use the bodies or images of other people for any reason. This is basic stuff.

I don't see why you are so reluctant to 'shame' him. He knows or must know on some level that what he has been doing is wrong. That is why he tried to stop you from seeing the phone. He is not a child regardless of recent belief in Santa Claus.

I’m not going to shame my child for being curious. This does not mean I am going to condone him watching porn. I just don’t want him to shut down lines of communication.

\Obviously I want to nip this in the bud. If he knows he’s not in trouble, I’m more likely to get the truth of how long, how he found the porn etc. The last thing I want is for this to go underground.

this is my one shot at approaching this in a careful way because at the moment, DS doesn’t know that I know.

OP posts:
Original poster
TiffanyLamp · 06/03/2023 05:28

user1492757084 · 06/03/2023 04:02

I agree with the person who suggests DS has a proper meeting with his father. The father is the best person. He found the porn. He is his male role model.
It is more powerful for his father to explain mistreatment of women in the porn industry etc and the complete inappropriateness of DS watching porn now or ever in his life. So many studies have shown the negative effects of porn.
It is child neglect to not monitor internet sites and to not teach proper sex education.

We are separated. DS lives one week with his Dad and one week with me. I’m not going to wait for his Dad to sort this out, this is as much my responsibility as it is his father’s. I understand the whole role model thing, but I am equallhis parent, I can still talk to him about respect for women. Possibly more so.

OP posts:
Redebs · 06/03/2023 05:38

Don't let him have a computer in his room. At this age, Internet use needs to be supervised, I'm afraid. Turn off webcam permissions. And you need child safety settings password protected.

If he spends time at other boy's houses, you need to be comfortable that their parents are aware and proactive too.

Tell him that you will be checking his history regularly on computer.

The phone needs to stay downstairs at night and needs a porn filter that's password protected.

As far as explaining the harm that porn does, I think your husband might well be the right person to do this. It's an issue that men have to take responsibility on. It will come across completely differently from his dad than from you.

NomadicSpirit · 06/03/2023 05:49

I can't sleep, so will respond.

I had this with a step son who was 11. I was checking for a virus he said he had and found porn and then found his search history. We had a talk and then we applied a filter on the internet.

My kids have phones and both are under 18. They also have laptops. We've said to both that we want to be able to look at them occasionally including checking their search history. We rarely if ever have, but then they have limited data on their phones and the home internet has a filter for porn.

You can setup various paid and free monitors on an Android phone. I've used family link which lets me know if they are installing anything and it blocks explicit sites. You can also advise your SIM provider that the phone is on use by an under 18 and they will block adult sites.

At the home level, I used to use BT filtering but now use OpenDNS which blocks porn and the worst of social media. I've also got gambling, tobacco and a few other things blocked like hate. That's free and easy to setup.

We've also had the conversations about why we're doing it and what's out there and who is out there. I've come into contact with paedophiles twice online myself one of whom had been someone I'd been talking to for some months before they showed their real self. I've also come across a particularly sick individual who did manage to fool me for some time. It's not just porn I worry about.

As for porn, I've had a reasonably good look at it. However even though I've been "around a bit" there's porn out there that even I couldn't stomach and the stuff I could stomach is unrealistic, addictive and can lead to all sorts of problems (such as the soft porn no longer "doing it", leading to harder stuff and they inability to be satisfied by normal relationships).

Helps that's I've gone a child psychology course and a few mental health and well being courses and that I'm pretty switched on when it comes to IT. On that last point, Google will tell you all you need to sort this.

Original poster
TiffanyLamp · 06/03/2023 05:50

Redebs · 06/03/2023 05:38

Don't let him have a computer in his room. At this age, Internet use needs to be supervised, I'm afraid. Turn off webcam permissions. And you need child safety settings password protected.

If he spends time at other boy's houses, you need to be comfortable that their parents are aware and proactive too.

Tell him that you will be checking his history regularly on computer.

The phone needs to stay downstairs at night and needs a porn filter that's password protected.

As far as explaining the harm that porn does, I think your husband might well be the right person to do this. It's an issue that men have to take responsibility on. It will come across completely differently from his dad than from you.

Yep, I’ve got the message about restricted internet access.
His dad is no longer my husband. I will talk with him, and he too can speak to him at the weekend. But I’m his parent too. I need to have this conversation with him.

OP posts:
Original poster
TiffanyLamp · 06/03/2023 05:53

NomadicSpirit · 06/03/2023 05:49

I can't sleep, so will respond.

I had this with a step son who was 11. I was checking for a virus he said he had and found porn and then found his search history. We had a talk and then we applied a filter on the internet.

My kids have phones and both are under 18. They also have laptops. We've said to both that we want to be able to look at them occasionally including checking their search history. We rarely if ever have, but then they have limited data on their phones and the home internet has a filter for porn.

You can setup various paid and free monitors on an Android phone. I've used family link which lets me know if they are installing anything and it blocks explicit sites. You can also advise your SIM provider that the phone is on use by an under 18 and they will block adult sites.

At the home level, I used to use BT filtering but now use OpenDNS which blocks porn and the worst of social media. I've also got gambling, tobacco and a few other things blocked like hate. That's free and easy to setup.

We've also had the conversations about why we're doing it and what's out there and who is out there. I've come into contact with paedophiles twice online myself one of whom had been someone I'd been talking to for some months before they showed their real self. I've also come across a particularly sick individual who did manage to fool me for some time. It's not just porn I worry about.

As for porn, I've had a reasonably good look at it. However even though I've been "around a bit" there's porn out there that even I couldn't stomach and the stuff I could stomach is unrealistic, addictive and can lead to all sorts of problems (such as the soft porn no longer "doing it", leading to harder stuff and they inability to be satisfied by normal relationships).

Helps that's I've gone a child psychology course and a few mental health and well being courses and that I'm pretty switched on when it comes to IT. On that last point, Google will tell you all you need to sort this.

Thank you for your advice and your measured post without judgement, it is much appreciated. Got to rush now as we’re an hour ahead and he starts school at 8am

OP posts:
NomadicSpirit · 06/03/2023 05:56

And @TiffanyLamp I'm not trying to preach or in any way knock you (looks like you've had more than enough of that already). I'm just trying to help. Some people including my parents think we're too restrictive, but then they're our kids and not theirs and blocking porn is something of a no brainer really. I don't personally give a toss what others think.

Good luck and hope it works out okay. I'm going to see if I can sleep again before the insanity of Monday morning hits.

snitzelvoncrumb · 06/03/2023 06:01

Sometimes this stuff sneaks up on you. I understand you want your child to have privacy, but it’s ok to insist on knowing the password on your child’s phone. I have a no phones in bedroom rule, that includes kid’s friends. Hopefully you get it sorted, good luck with the awkward conversation.

Theos · 06/03/2023 06:02

I’m afraid you’ve been terribly naive about the password

BrutusMcDogface · 06/03/2023 06:04

I’m just marking my place because I have the same issue to deal with 😳 and you’re getting some good advice. 💐

MrsOrange · 06/03/2023 06:06

I would argue it's more important to talk about porn, what it represents (and doesn't), impact on people involved in the industry and also the impact on just other people in his life. And yes he'll squirm and hate talking to you about it but he lost the right to be embrassed when he watched the porn. Be very clear on your views and ensure your exH is too. Both of you need to be prepared to discuss this. This is not a one off conversation, it's ongoing and changes as he ages.

The reason I say this is the vast amount of kids can overcome any filters their parents set up, and even if you believe you're computer literate enough to stop it - then his mates parents probably aren't. So one way or another he'll see it. Sad but unfortunately true. This applies to all teens, male and female.

liveforsummer · 06/03/2023 06:13

Sorry but 12 year olds do not get privacy on an internet accessible device - especially one that has no parental controls. I know you say you live abroad but this advice is all accessible with a quick google. You do don't really naive and also a bit too blase about what your child who isn't even a teenager yet has been accessing. Please put restriction on the phone now. You should be checking search history and conversations if not daily then at least 3/4 times a week

Ladybug14 · 06/03/2023 06:19

You've been naive, but you know that

Changes need to happen, and they are going to

You need to speak to your son and ensure that the porn / password / Internet access situations are altered ..... and you're going to do this, and you've reached out for advice

I don't understand why anyone should judge you.

You're doing a great job

Well done 💛

sjxoxo · 06/03/2023 06:22

You deffo need to control what he’s doing online. Porn is one thing but aren’t you also concerned about chatting to people he doesn’t know etc and social media?? Porn is damaging but not as damaging as being groomed or blackmailed online. 12 is way way way too young for internet freedom. You need to take control of the internet access and make sure he is safe. X

NomadicSpirit · 06/03/2023 06:31

Regards bypassing filters and all that. It's possible, but difficult. My kids can't install anything themselves on their phones or laptops and if I ever did find a VPN on them, (which I shouldn't as I've blocked VPN sites) that would be the end of them using unsupervised tech and they know it.i certainly don't think the "vast amount" of kids can bypass parental controls and filters.

My kids also don't have access to other unsupervised WiFi.

In the other side of the coin, I personally think checking their search history every day is a bit much. My job as a parent is to guide them and prepare them for adulthood and trust them. I have told them that if they start using their tech suspiciously then they will lose it. However, if it works for you, then just bear in mind that they can just look at everything using incognito browsing and you'll see nothing on a browser.

OpenDNS logs all internet activity in my house. I could find exactly what they're looking at and when if I wanted and it also lets me know if any attempts were made to access anything blocked. It's not perfect, but it's robust enough that they can't stumble across anything and that they would have to put in some effort to bypass it and that's not something that happens accidentally.

As others have said, good luck and you seem to be a switched on person who is handling this sensibly. It was a lot simpler when I was a kid. You might find a porn magazine under a bush or something, you couldn't just "click" and find peta bytes of HD porn movies. It's scary... And not quite what they thought the internet would lead to.

Mummyoflittledragon · 06/03/2023 06:39

My friend had the same with her ds when he was 11. Eleven is the average age a child will have encountered porn. Boys earlier than girls. My friend is pretty unflappable but (I presume) dropped the ball on this as we all do with something from time to time. Cue big chat from both parents and parental controls, phone monitoring. He’s coming up 15 now. You can turn this around if you and his dad are prepared to work on it.

AviMav · 06/03/2023 06:45

WunWun · 05/03/2023 22:38

I'd rather, for the sake of humanity, my daughter and all, that people didn't expose their sons to all the non-consent porn etc they like at 12 years old. But we don't always get what we want, do we?

Don't make it out like the girls didn't talk about sex too. In high-school we always read all the magazines with the sex issues and what not at the back.

I've not read all the comments here but I know MN is strongly against porn..... for me I'm going against the grain. He is a little young but sex and watching porn should not be shamed how exactly did his dad find porn on his phone if it had a password? Some parents on here will drive there kids away!

There's no point OP going gun blazing because he will just watch it at a friend's house!

NomadicSpirit · 06/03/2023 06:59

AviMav · 06/03/2023 06:45

Don't make it out like the girls didn't talk about sex too. In high-school we always read all the magazines with the sex issues and what not at the back.

I've not read all the comments here but I know MN is strongly against porn..... for me I'm going against the grain. He is a little young but sex and watching porn should not be shamed how exactly did his dad find porn on his phone if it had a password? Some parents on here will drive there kids away!

There's no point OP going gun blazing because he will just watch it at a friend's house!

Show quote history

I disagree.

Setting up restrictions and explaining why has not driven my kids away. On the contrary, they come to me if they come across anything they find on the internet that they don't like. They even told me when the filter broke once.

I don't think anyone is saying shame the kid. We are saying 11 is too young to be watching porn. At over 50, I'm not able to watch a great deal of the porn that is out there and I've been about a bit. It's - to my mind - a dereliction of duty to find that your child is watching that sort of stuff and not want to stop it.

I also don't think kids will just watch it at their friends house. Other parents are thankfully increasingly aware of this. In my example above, I was sadly the friend's house that had no filtering that was enabling this behaviour. The step son actually thanked me as I took it out of his hands as he'd been pressured into looking at it. He didn't want to see it at all (I mean he was a kid, who would?)

Anyway, time to meditate and get on with life. That's enough MN for one day.

Hangingtrousers · 06/03/2023 07:11

For my daughters Samsung we use the family link app. I can control exactly what apps zhe can access and it sends me notifications if she tries to do something restricted. I can also set it to lock at 8pm so she can't use it. I can also see how long she's spent using particular apps.

waterrat · 06/03/2023 07:43

Hi OP. I have done a lot on work related to porn and children accessing porn in my job.

Firstly - have a look at some mainstream porn sites yourself so you are aware of how extreme the material is that he is being exposed to - this is not naked ladies. It will be rape themed, incest themed, violent. that is the core content on much free to view sites.

Secondly - I do not say this with judgement at all - but he does not get a password protected phone that you can't access at 12.

This isn't his private diary - it is a portal! To an online world where he can connect with strangers, share indecent material and watch seriously extreme porn.

He needs to be protected. We had a talk at school from an online safety expert recently and her core message was your children need to know that you will see their phone regularly - whatsapp chats/ internet searches etc

You can't stop a boy that age from viewing porn - but you can reduce exposure and stop harmful habits developing. ie addiction - you would be very alarmed if you knew how many teens were addicted to porn/

You can google how to talk to your kids about porn. He needs to know - from his dad - that this is cartoon graphic violence NOT real sex - he will not know this if you don't tell him.

Bish is a good website about sex for kids.

waterrat · 06/03/2023 07:44

And yes of course as somone above said - he should not be left feeling ashamed

but you can without shame and judgement protect him from watching extreme porn at the age of 12. You can't stop him watching it later - but this will be a boy who has not even kissed anyone yet - does he need to watch gangbangs and anal sex scenes? As that is what is on the mainstream sites.

ChaToilLeam · 06/03/2023 07:51

Kids are naturally curious but they are not mature enough to process everything that they encounter. 12 is too young to have unrestricted access to the internet! Afraid his wish for privacy on that score needs to wait until he is older.

TheaBrandt · 06/03/2023 08:08

I think future generations will look back in horror and judge us hard at our societal inability to protect young children from this.

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