12 yo DS watching porn

[TiffanyLamp]

Can’t believe I’m typing this. Literally last Christmas he believed in Father Christmas!
DS is in 50 / 50 custody. I saw his dad at the school on Friday and he said he borrowed DS’s phone to do something on the car. ExH managed to bypass the password and saw that DS had been watching porn.

Now we’re pretty open minded about sex but we’re both a bit shocked that it’s so early. But we’re older parents - both 50 so we’re probably out of touch with the rate of change of the digital world.

ive had a quick Google. I don’t want to shame DS, but I do want to protect him.
I don’t know the password on his phone. He said he wanted his privacy. I respected that in that he can have private conversations with his friends. He’s a sensible, mature child. But free access to pornhub is not within that remit.

so I found out a couple of days ago. We’ve also had a bereavement in the family, so I’m dealing with that. However I want to talk with DS about this soon. Like tomorrow.

obviously he’s curious about sex. What books resources do you suggest explaining sex with emotions, respect etc.

a couple of years ago, I bought him an age appropriate book about his developing body. He was embarrassed at me reading it with him and I’m not sure where it’s even gone. I’m not sure how involved I should get in teaching him about normal sex. This might be one for his dad to discuss the nitty gritty details. I’m not shy, I just want DS to be receptive and know he’s not in trouble,

OP. You sound like a good mom who wants to help her DS. I'm grateful to mom like you who recognize that young boys watching porn is a problem.

My DDs have been sent porn images from boys as young as 10 when they were as young as 9. It's deeply disturbing and has messed up their sense of self worth and what it means to be beautiful and to accept yourself. Please talk about this issue with your son. Talk about how to respect women and talk to him how awful girls can feel if he expects his future girlfriends to perform like it's shown in porn. Also, dickpics and other images should never be shown or sent to girls. Ever. I'm so sick of the parents who've dismissed this as boys being boys. My girls don't deserve this - no girls do.

Also, remind him that the women and girls he has watched may likely have been coerced, drugged or abused in the making of the videos. Push him to have empathy for women.

I think it's worth remembering it's not just boys who search for it and share it and if you think it is you are very much mistaken.

She continues to equate porn and sex - a big mistake. Porn is about male power, and it encourages a sense of male entitlement to female bodies.

I'm the mother of girls. I've seen them through their teen years and into the years of starting relationships, settling down. I've dealt with the fallout from the arrogant, entitled expectations young men have of young women - at its most fundamental level, it's the lack of any sense that we all share a common humanity - and I've seen the anger and the despair and depression it causes. This world is not a great place to be a young woman, to put it mildly, thanks to pornography.

Exactly.

I've also raised daughters, three lots of them.

However, I'm not here trying to upset the OP more, nor to pick holes in what they may or may not be saying, which for some bizarre reason you seem to be. How do you think you're actually helping the OP, especially as she's called you out on it?

Her 11 year old son lent his phone to someone briefly who used it to look at porn. She is horrified by that and dealing with it. She's also had a bereavement by suicide which despite her pointing out repeatedly, you're ignoring because you seem to think making your point that porn is bad is more important than showing her any compassion.

Maybe get off your soap box and consider what you could say to support the OP rather than making posts that are clearly upsetting her. And please try and remember, her son is 11. He's not a liar and he's not responsible for the porn that's out there, neither is the OP.

Oh and you know what, some people (rightly or wrongly) do actually use porn to enhance their sex lives, male and female. I agree that it's pretty horrible and so does the OP. It's not the OPs fault nor her son's that it's out there destroying lives, that's organised crimes fault as they use it extensively for money laundering. It's also the fault of governments who are repeatedly failing to take action to tighten laws and access to porn. It's again not the OP or her son's fault.

I'm sorry that it sounds like your family have had bad experiences which you blame porn for. Can I suggest though that your target for your anger should be those who produce it and those who are "supposed" to have our best interests at heart, namely our elected officials.

As you say, we all share a common humanity, I think you've made your point and could now look to show the OP that common humanity.

I'm not going to engage further with you, but if you continue to harass the OP I will report you.

Not sure why anyone would judge you OP - the fact is I imagine most 12 year olds are seeing this stuff. Some parents know about it some don't!

Even if you block his phone, friends will show him on theirs. We simply cannot compete against the multi billion pound porn industry - and why should we as families feel ashamed of that?

You are going through a totally normal parenting experience. You are 100 per cent right you do not shame your son or punish him - it's natural at 12 to feel sexual interest/ explore what is out there for free on the internet.

we have a might enemy in the porn industry as parents - and we need to be campaigning all of us for much much tighter regulations on porn sites so children can't see this stuff so easily.

Hi OP, sorry for the hostility you are (inexplicably) getting on this thread, and sorry for your loss.

I read this article today and thought of you:
www.theguardian.com/society/2023/mar/07/laura-bates-for-teenage-girls-escaping-harassment-revenge-porn-and-deepfake-porn-is-impossible

Laura Bates is a major expert in this field, and int his interview she makes the excellent point that 'the generation gap has never been larger than it is now' - that parents are raising children in an EXTREMELY different environment to the one we know/knew - perhaps more so than ever before in history.

Her books could make for a great 'family book club', maybe? You and DS and his dad could get together to discuss key chapters?

The porn on phone issue is in some ways the tip of the iceberg around societal misogyny and sexual harm - how amazing if you could use this moment to really alert your son to the potential he has to be a force for good, an advocate for women and girls? I think that's one possible outcome! :)

I really wish you and your family all the best x

I would first advise you to check your child's phone properly including any photos and their internet history. It is very common for young children to have seen porn and porn addiction is very real in children and ofcourse worsens as they get older. Many children also begin watching child pornography so please do look thoroughly into his phone. I would be very worried if a child age 12 insisted on privacy and for parents to not have access to their devices.