I can’t cope anymore

[Peony26]

Ive given my 16 year old son until 2pm to get out, or I’m calling the police to remove him, we are cutting him off, his behaviour has been challenging mainly at school since he was about 7, and when we discipline him at home for his behaviour it spirals into his horrible behaviour at home too. So he’s left school and gone to college and been kicked out, we’ve been supporting him by taking him to appointments etc but he just won’t do anything for himself! He’s bone idle and he needs to grow up! Hes supposed to be at an appointment at 1.30pm about a traineeship but he’s been kicking off since about 9am, won’t get showered or dressed, is sitting on the Xbox, screaming at us, calling us every name under the sun. He's never sworn at me until today he gets grabby, he’s really nasty, screaming and shouting but never beaten or swore at us before. He’s basically screaming at us that we are stupid because we won’t give him his phone that we pay for, so he can’t go anywhere.

My heads up my arse! It’s like a vicious circle he’s so entitled and disrespectful, he’s stood there and called his dad a fat retard, and so we’ve told him we aren’t paying for his phone after being treated that way, so then he’s literally screaming in my face that I’m a fucking idiot and where is he going to go if I won’t give him his phone. I’ve calmly explained that he’s not entitled to it, we pay for it and he’s abusive to us on a daily basis so he needs to leave and make his way himself. But he’s just screaming at me that I am an idiot because I’m not giving him everything, for him to go. We’re just going round in a circle, will the police help me remove him? What do I do, I can’t put up with his abuse every single day anymore, you can’t even wake him in a morning without him screaming at you

Has he been screened for ADHD or ASD?

The police will tell you not to kick him out. I'd get in contact with children's services and see if they can offer support.

Apparently at school yes, but we have another appointment at the doctors on Friday morning because school wasn’t great, and the college advised it

Children’s services do absolutely nothing but patronise you! They just pin it on us, but they don’t have a clue, all we’ve done is have meetings, taken him appointments, give him every opportunity. He has absolutely no idea how lucky he is.

You can't just absolve yourself of responsibility for your 16 year old. He isn't an adult. Where is he supposed to go?

Tell me about it, I just think that's your only real option. Have you had any luck with CAMHS?

I hear you op but hold on!
I have a 19 year old with ASD and in this same situation it would trigger his anxiety, the lashing out, the screaming is fear and pressure.

I know the pain of being treated like this and I see the panic that creates it.
It's hard to stay calm but he's not safe being kicked out at 16 and Children's services will possibly not let you have him back and when you do calm down that might be a sore reality.

He may never be in a position to move out or he may mature and surprise you, either way you're his mum and I don't agree with his behaviour but threats to be homeless are not helping his stability.
I know CS aren't interested but there's a right route and a wrong and with mental health it's always better with professional support even just to cover your own back.
You sound like lovely parents at the end of their tether, could he stay at a relatives for a few days?

As a side note. I have ASD and ADHD and I was an absolute horror at 16, I'm deeply ashamed at how I treated my mum and only now see what she did for me and what I put her through.
She's my best friend now but she never gave up on me despite everything and she saw me out the other side and I love her so much even if I didn't always know it.
That lady stood by me and lifted me up supported me and now I'm a mum to a ds with the same and I will follow in her footsteps.
My boy is 17 and has come out the other side, his teens have been hard but it was harder for him, he knows I'll always love him and he can be himself at home but I have firm boundaries and constant communication about what I need from him to be able help him.

I think maybe all the threats and arguing are escalating the situation? I understand them, but he sounds ASD to me. Sanctions just don’t work < bitter experience>. Path of least resistance is best.

Just calm the tension in the household, stop hassling him, let him be, and then when things have calmed down try and take action. His behaviour is likely anxiety driven. Don’t take his phone away, that’s how he connects with his friends.

We really need to stop this. This constant use of ADHD and ASD as an excuse for teen boys acting in such abusive, damaging ways. It does them a disservice, and it gaslights victims.

He is 16, not 6. ASD and ADHD are completely irrelevant to these behaviour choices in response to completely reasonable expectations.

And yes, I do have more than one son with ASD.

OP, call everyone you can and tell them you're in crisis and cannot cope as a family. You will need to be completely honest about the impact on you, and other family members. Do you have other DC? If you have younger children in the home you have a responsibility to protect them from all domestic abuse: which is exactly what this is.

We need to stop considering what’s behind the behaviour of troubled young boys?! Many times it is adhd. We need to stop parents of kids with ASD and adhd gatekeeping possible diagnosises. You are not a professional, you’re a mother with experience of your particular kids.

Yes it is worth considering that a notable percentage of male prisoners in the UK have ADHD.

No, we need to stop using the diagnoses as a get out of jail free card for being abusive. It's unhelpful and also, deeply problematic FOR PEOPLE WITH ASD. It assumes that this behaviour is more common because of a diagnosis: a vile perspective.

There's a huge difference between understanding the motivatons for negative behaviours and using ADHD and ASD to excuse abuse from men and boys. The first response to this thread about abusive behaviour, with no allusion to any such diagnosis at all is "does he have X though?" How is that not a problematic situation?

And it is relevant because we can't just dismiss children who may behave the way they do because of neurological disorders as 'naughty' kids anymore. Ignoring potential disorders means the behaviour is likely to escalate whereas acknowledging them means they could be supported with early intervention.

There's a wonderfully ironic link between the multitude of threads this week about the vile behaviours of teen boys in schools and public places and the "but they have ADHD" attitude, btw.

IT IS NOT HELPING THE BOYS.

Hi OP. Sending you a hug. I have a tricky DD who can be a horror. I am not sure about the ASD and ADHD comments although it could be a reason for the behavior but there could be other reasons too. My DD has just been a tricky character since birth. She is very very stubborn and will absolutely not do anything she doesn't want to do. She is very academic but has become very unmotivated and is very happy to spend all day in bed on school holiday days. She seems to be getting better - I don't find that shouting and screaming works in any way except making everyone miserable. I try to get her to eat a healthy diet, try to find physical activities that she enjoys (she is very sporty) so she is out as much as possible keeping fit and healthy. I think at the very heart of it is she is very, very shy and life is not designed for shy introverted people and she genuinely struggles. In terms of school and jobs etc.. I try to help her with homework etc.. and I tell her the consequences of what will happen if she doesn't try her best. Ultimately though, once they are teens they need to learn responsibility for themselves and their actions because as they grow they won't always have another adult to bail them out.

I feel I have an undiagnosed Asperger Ds now 19 and his behaviour has been very similar since leaving school. Couldn't cope with move to further education college, lied about attending appointment meeting etc. but he is starting to come out of the other side. We now acknowledge his anxiety and name it and that seems to calm him down.

He will now tell me he is anxious as he feels it's ok to say it out loud. I've offered to taking him for an autism assessment but he feels he is managing his emotions better - st the moment

Was going to say the same thing.

I would just give him the phone and let him stay at a friends for a few days to think about things. Tbf if he's 16 and never sworn at you until today that's pretty good going.

We have a lot of friends and family, he has money in his bank account. It won’t be forever but today he needs a shock! He cannot continue to treat us like this. He needs to sort himself out for himself he acts like it’s for everyone else.

The support is there but completely in the wrong way, I’ve caved before and asked family for help it just made things worse

I agree to not kick him out, he will rebel & his situation will only get worse. If he doesn't have support etc, how is he supposed to better himself/his life?

He's got a point, how the hell is he suppose to sort out somewhere to go if you've taken his phone off of him. What was the point of that move?

Agreed.

I think give him his phone, but remove everything else. Xbox etc, remove from your home.

I would also text him without emotive about the lay of the land going forward. Give him clear instructions.

I think labelling young adults at this age is dangerous as you are giving them an out.

Because why should we pay for his phone anymore? Especially when he thinks he’s entitled to it all. My parents wouldn’t have paid for my phone if I called them vile names on a daily basis. He is capable of getting to more than one place, and being perfectly safe. I’ve reached the point that he needs to learn how much we do for him and want to better himself. I can’t keep trying to sort things for him and take him places for him to be abusive just because I woke him up or asked him to brush his teeth.

Phones and screens have turned teens this way tbh, it has let them get entitled and lazy and greedy and we have all let it happen. OP in the nicest possible way, you can't throw your child out because he was kicked out of college, and taking a phone away (which I know is what we all assume is all we have to parent with) doesn't help because if someone took something I loved away my automatic thought would not be to start behaving better and I think very few would think that way. I think we all (I am talking like this because I have a similar thing going on and it's only just started resolving itself) is to be their friend but as well as their parent. I have started watching tv with my son, watching YouTube, wandering in for short amounts of time and chatting or telling a joke with offerings of food. Asking for help but not in a 'I need this done, get it done now or else' way. It's all about keeping calm and then the calmness passes on. This is from someone who, I honestly thought my 15yo was going to run away a few months ago and to my shame we were literally all still shouting and laying into each other. It was terrifying especially because ei grew up in a very calm household where I never heard so much as a raised voice. We have now gotten back to the odd board game, to shopping trips together and he's started to actually ease off phones and devices somewhat . Wee have talked a lot and at times I've had to keep my mouth shut at how unfair he finds things because I'd say as a teenager I was the same. W did have some good conversations about what he wants to do and how he hopes to get there. This may not help you but hopefully it will. It was bloody hard and terrifying