I can’t cope anymore

[Peony26]

Ive given my 16 year old son until 2pm to get out, or I’m calling the police to remove him, we are cutting him off, his behaviour has been challenging mainly at school since he was about 7, and when we discipline him at home for his behaviour it spirals into his horrible behaviour at home too. So he’s left school and gone to college and been kicked out, we’ve been supporting him by taking him to appointments etc but he just won’t do anything for himself! He’s bone idle and he needs to grow up! Hes supposed to be at an appointment at 1.30pm about a traineeship but he’s been kicking off since about 9am, won’t get showered or dressed, is sitting on the Xbox, screaming at us, calling us every name under the sun. He's never sworn at me until today he gets grabby, he’s really nasty, screaming and shouting but never beaten or swore at us before. He’s basically screaming at us that we are stupid because we won’t give him his phone that we pay for, so he can’t go anywhere.

My heads up my arse! It’s like a vicious circle he’s so entitled and disrespectful, he’s stood there and called his dad a fat retard, and so we’ve told him we aren’t paying for his phone after being treated that way, so then he’s literally screaming in my face that I’m a fucking idiot and where is he going to go if I won’t give him his phone. I’ve calmly explained that he’s not entitled to it, we pay for it and he’s abusive to us on a daily basis so he needs to leave and make his way himself. But he’s just screaming at me that I am an idiot because I’m not giving him everything, for him to go. We’re just going round in a circle, will the police help me remove him? What do I do, I can’t put up with his abuse every single day anymore, you can’t even wake him in a morning without him screaming at you

We really need to stop this. This constant use of ADHD and ASD as an excuse for teen boys acting in such abusive, damaging ways. It does them a disservice, and it gaslights victims.

No, we don’t need to stop this. Parents of such children recognise these behaviours, as I did myself when I read the OP - I have two teens with autism. Gone are the days when society believes they should be repeatedly punished and square pegs rammed into round holes because of old fashioned ideas about “discipline” and “authority”. With the right understanding and tweaks made to education and home life, kids who were previously dismissed and moved into adulthood and disastrous outcomes with no support, can end up doing well and living productive lives. I’ve seen what no diagnosis does and the ripple effect that has on the individuals concerned, their extended family and anyone who has to have any kind of worthwhile interaction with them, and it’s not pretty.

You need to calm down and stop taking it personally right now. He’s 16, he has no resources. You need to step up ffs! That’s what being a parent is.

If he was 15 would you kick him out?

Because he will need it to get somewhere else to stay, to possibly get a job etc. Imo you can't just remove something that they've had for years because you're pissed off with them. I don't know. Maybe I'm wrong but to me it's just seems a bit childish. How much is it? A tenner a month. You'd be far better off giving it a deadline so he can try and sort his life out before you throw him to the wolves. Tbh I don't really agree with kicking him out but I'm not in your shoes so...

Get help, get social services to help you, take a massive breath and remove yourself from ear shot and just leave your son alone for today.

But don’t kick him out.

You’re way off base, it has nothing to do with him being kicked out of college, it wasn’t right for him and although we were overwhelmed he wasn’t punished at all, we’ve sat and talked with him about what he wants to do, taken him to appointments with a department in the council who help them progress etc. He has friends goes out, we have a good relationship apart from when he’s asked to do anything and becomes abusive, he goes through stages about once a month where he becomes completely volatile, and I’m talking about the most basic thing. And that’s why he’s been asked to leave because I’m sick of him squaring up to me, screaming and spitting names in my face, trashing my house in temper, and having complete disrespect for everyone and everything. We eat at the table every night, we sat and all sat had 3 hours of playing Clyde with snacks and a laugh yesterday. But I am done with being treated like crap all the time

This. And what your parents did and didn't do hasn't got anything to do with it.

Honestly OP I don't blame you. How are things now? Has the shock of being potentially thrown out made him apologetic?

STEP UP! STEP UP!! Omg how dare you!! You literally have no idea! I have literally given him everything absolutely every ounce of me. This is why I’m so distraught today! It’s my birthday btw and I cancelled all my plans to take him to an appointment for his future without even blinking. And he screamed in my face that I’m a complete retard because I asked him to go and get in the shower! I tried talking to him long before his appointment incase he was nervous of overwhelmed. So forgive me for being at a point where I need to give him an ounce of reality if he continues to behave this way

We’ve had social services and child services in to support him in primary school, they did nothing but patronise us. They’re looking for a broken family, abuse or anything to blame for his behaviour and there is nothing. We are the most boring, mildest family going. We do everything for them. He has 2 siblings that don’t behave anything like this.

Yeah he’s started to realise and panicked, he’s left now, I can track him on a device so I’ll keep an eye that he’s somewhere and is safe but he needs to stop taking everything for granted

Yeah, step up. I dare, to say it why wouldn’t I? 🤷🏼‍♀️ My dd once attacked me in a shopping centre and a stranger had to intervene to pull her off me, she then screamed and attacked me all the way home with everyone looking. I was restraining my ds from running in front of a bus once and had a grown man physically attack me as he believed I was physically abusing my son instead of saving his life, so yes, I dare say what I think.

Never once did I think of throwing them out because they couldn’t help it. Have you even answered the questions about potential spectrum conditions? Because it’s clear to multiple posters on here that there’s more going on.

He has 2 siblings that don’t behave anything like this

And why do you think that is?

100% THIS !!! I am sick to death of people immediately going to this every tine a child/teen is badly behaved. It's insulting to people WITH ADHD/ASD.

Is it time to go back to basics?

We will provide a roof over your head and meals on the table but everything else - phone, Xbox, treats, pocket money, lifts etc are privileges and you earn them? Through respect and making an effort with education or work.

16 is too young to throw him out I feel - I'd be terrified about where he would go?

I think just go out and have a nice time on your birthday without him and just breathe really. It’s all too much today.

So what if he didn’t go to an appointment? I think if things are really bad, work on the basics. Ignore anything else. Which is just being able to live together in a house where he doesn’t scream at you. And that’s going to take some careful work over weeks with some help. Just think of it as time to get more harmony and him to be more respectful. That’s it really. Scale back.

One good thing is that if things are escalating, don’t reply to him. The most powerful thing that you can do is deescalate an argument. If he calls you a retard? Step back. Walk away. Don’t say a word. Later, when he is calm, tell him that it upset you greatly. That’s it, one line, no lecture. Work on that.

Just don’t tell him you are kicking him out, don’t cross that line unless you feel in danger. But get social services involved they are supposed to help you. Get some outside support.

He's 16 , he's obviously having a difficult time and it's showing in his behaviour, I'm sorry but your his parent and he is still a child , you need to look at why he is acting like this and try and find a solution , kicking him out is not the way to handle this . He is after all the product of your parenting

Why is it insulting? What specifically is there to feel insulted about by considering whether a struggling teen might have a spectrum condition?

And yes please stop with the ‘must be ADHD/ASD’ comments. This is a crisis situation. It needs practical steps to deescalate the whole situation, which are likely to have a complex history.

So many judgemental comments on here. Sorry you are having to tolerate this @Peony26

There must be something 🤔

To those saying ADHD/ASD - surely this would have been picked up by now? Saying that as someone whose child has both, clearly identifiable at a young age and diagnosed by 7.

OP your son sounds in need. You can't just kick him out or take his phone off him. What have you been doing for him since he was 7?

Sorry but you are the adult. If yesterday he sat with you and played a game and had a laugh then it's not awful all the time.

If these blow ups happen when you are about to take him to a formal meeting / appointment then it sounds like anxiety about the appointment might be a factor. I'm not excusing bad language, disrespectful behaviour or any of that BUT you are his parent and he needs you.

I'm sorry your birthday was ruined and it does sound horrendous but I don't think kicking him out will help.

If he is anxious about his future then destabilising him more by kicking him out of his home will add to the problem and make the behaviour worse.

I agree bad behaviour should bring consequences but wrestling the phone off him is unlikely to be worth the effort. He's too young to fully understand about responsibilities etc.

Yes if you actually read my reply he was assessed at school and they found nothing. I have made another appointment for him Friday just in case! But there’s no evidence that he has further issues.

Because bashing another parent down when they’re clearly at the end of their line and if you read all my replies you could see that he’s in no danger, and why we are at this point

Stop talking shite. I was a secondary school teacher for 26 years. Some ASD or ADHD kids were no problem but a lot weren’t. And often students misbehaving were clearly undiagnosed ASD. It was the biggest reason for difficult behaviour.

What experience do you have in this area?

No one wrestled anything off him, you’re literally imagining what’s going on not anything that I’ve said