I can’t cope anymore

[Peony26]

Ive given my 16 year old son until 2pm to get out, or I’m calling the police to remove him, we are cutting him off, his behaviour has been challenging mainly at school since he was about 7, and when we discipline him at home for his behaviour it spirals into his horrible behaviour at home too. So he’s left school and gone to college and been kicked out, we’ve been supporting him by taking him to appointments etc but he just won’t do anything for himself! He’s bone idle and he needs to grow up! Hes supposed to be at an appointment at 1.30pm about a traineeship but he’s been kicking off since about 9am, won’t get showered or dressed, is sitting on the Xbox, screaming at us, calling us every name under the sun. He's never sworn at me until today he gets grabby, he’s really nasty, screaming and shouting but never beaten or swore at us before. He’s basically screaming at us that we are stupid because we won’t give him his phone that we pay for, so he can’t go anywhere.

My heads up my arse! It’s like a vicious circle he’s so entitled and disrespectful, he’s stood there and called his dad a fat retard, and so we’ve told him we aren’t paying for his phone after being treated that way, so then he’s literally screaming in my face that I’m a fucking idiot and where is he going to go if I won’t give him his phone. I’ve calmly explained that he’s not entitled to it, we pay for it and he’s abusive to us on a daily basis so he needs to leave and make his way himself. But he’s just screaming at me that I am an idiot because I’m not giving him everything, for him to go. We’re just going round in a circle, will the police help me remove him? What do I do, I can’t put up with his abuse every single day anymore, you can’t even wake him in a morning without him screaming at you

And actually I'd agree with this to an extent. My child does have ADHD and ASD - he doesn't have poor behaviour. He has excellent manners and he's very kind and caring. We need to stop the narrative that poor behaviour is ADHD.

Sorry @Peony26 I didn't mean physically I meant getting him to give it up / hand it over.

WOW, so rude.

Very few students misbehave for no reason. I’d say one in 50

Exactly. It's so rude and insulting.

The danger is by kicking him out, by saying that ‘we as parents can kick you out’ is modeling bad coping. Coping and working things out should not be the threat of homelessness for a young person and it escalating the situation. You are the adults, it is you who are the constant, stable safety net whatever and the de escalators of a situation.

Some ASD kids are quiet and polite. My dd is one. But lots aren’t.

Just make that up did ya?

I think that's called anecdata!

I’m not bashing you. I’m trying to help you. Im
just not saying it in a flowery way. My dd never had an issue at school, never stepped out of line. She was never referred until I went up the GP and begged them to refer her due to get terrible meltdowns and distress at home. Diagnosed with autism and given a full EHCP at first application. Now awaiting assessment foe ADHD. Your other two children do not behave like this, clearly there’s more going on with your son. I’ll step away now as I certainly don’t want to be accused of “bashing”. Good luck and I hope you don’t throw him out. Every young man I met on the street - used to work for a psychiatric homeless service - was there because of exactly the kind of situation you’re describing.

For the person who suggests it’s an insult to people who really have autism/adhd, you need to talk to all those people - mostly men - who weren’t diagnosed till adulthood and are consumed with regret and resentment that no one thought of it and helped them earlier. They really have autism or adhd and they are not feeling insulted.

No, it’s based on assessing a class number if 25, and doubling it. Then thinking about how many students who displayed challenging behaviour didn’t have a diagnosis. And it was always about 1 child across 2 classes.

God this is painful 🤦🏼‍♀️

My kid is well behaved and well adjusted, so much so that I have time to take offence at anyone suggesting that some with adhd or autism might not be?

Have to step away from this thread for the sake of my sanity.

Between 25 and 40% of prisoners are believed to have adhd.

ADHDers have an emotional maturity age of about a third of their biological age.

If you can afford to, buy him a 20quid dumb phone (so he's safe), try to stay calm but firm, but mostly keep out of his way and let him get on with it. He will come around.

I was an utter fuck up at that age, came around early 20s... There is hope!

What you're going through, OP is horrible. I'm so sorry.

His bad behaviour is sporadic and related to specific incidents, like being asked to shower or go to appointments, is that right?

It sounds as though you have a good relationship with him otherwise, but that you resent him being disrespectful to you as parents at these times?

Try to see beyond the rude words and bratty attitude if you can. At 16, young people look quite mature, but there's still another nearly ten years of brain development to go before they actually think like adults.

It's horrible to live with and it can make you feel awful. You wonder what you did wrong, what will happen to him in the future, how he can waste money and damage things like that. It all feels so personal and emotional. I really get it.

But it WILL pass. He WILL grow out if this. Hold strong and try not to get drawn into arguing with him.

Give him space, but let him know that you still love him. Even when he is being a total arse, you still love him. Try not to be negative when he's going off on one. Walk away with dignity. Don't engage with rudeness or bad behaviour. It will pass.

Warning signs would be violence directed at you or signs of hard drug use. If these aren't happening, then you can ride it out, like having a tantruming toddler again. If they are, then get in touch with local support services straight away.

It will get better. He will probably be a great lad in the end.

And actually I'd agree with this to an extent. My child does have ADHD and ASD - he doesn't have poor behaviour. He has excellent manners and he's very kind and caring. We need to stop the narrative that poor behaviour is ADHD.

So what!? No one is suggesting every kid with ADHD/ASD is badly behaved!

Jesus, I have a son who is severely affected by ASD and I'm not remotely offended that certain behaviours could indicate ADHD in other children. How ridiculous some of you are. Stop pretending that neurological disorders couldn't possibly be the cause of unwanted behaviours.

If this is about things he is being told to do what about just allowing him to make the choice and then dealing with the consequences?

At this age they are wanting to make their own choices and become more independent.

Also rather than threatening to chuck him out what about saying he needs to think about where he is going from age 18 and that you won't put up with the behaviour.

A child like the OPs, three who aren’t, a first class degree in a relevant area and 15 years of education background.

It’s a typical lazy response. “This boy is abusive,” oh, must be the ‘tism.

Fuck sake.

It’s a typical lazy response. “This boy is abusive,” oh, must be the ‘tism.

Except you're talking shite again. No one is excusing abusive behaviour but pretending ADHD isn't a possibility is ludicrous. And if it is a factor, appropriate support should be in place. Impossible without the 'label.'

I think there's a difference between exploring whether behaviour is impacted by ADHD or some other condition and saying bad behaviour is some how excused or expected.

Also the fact is that some kids with ADHD struggle with anxiety and self-regulation and some don't.

I think we need to support parents (let’s be honest, always Mums) who are being terrorised in their home (almost always by boys) too.

Sorry about that. 🙄

Haha you've clearly missed some threads about troubled daughters.

Where is the dad in this? Is he not backing you up and setting some boundaries?

Sending you a big hug. From a mum of three teenage boys. You sound at the end of your tether. Perhaps you showing him your serious and have boundaries will have the desired effect

ADHD & ASD are not assessed by schools. It needs a professional. So many are not diagnosed until teen years & the demands of high school. I am the parent of one.
The lack of motivation to start anything & total screen addiction is actually v common in ADHD kids. They crave dopamine hits. They can massively under achieve in school due to extreme boredom.
That's why pp suggest he has the signs.

I have adhd and I don't find it insulting - in fact I am delighted that the profile is being raised. She having trouble with her kid and has tried disciplining for years and its not worked - of course it could be neurodiversity.