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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

DS 17 cannot budget

113 replies

SeaSnakes · 18/02/2023 23:38

DS 17 is rubbish with money. He gets paid fortnightly between £350 - £400. He’s currently trying to save to go on holiday. We have suggested he puts X amount away as soon as he gets paid to save up. We have offered to help by either transferring the money to us and we’ll keep it safe for him or if he prefers to draw out cash and similarly we’ll keep it safe.
He keeps refusing our help as he wants to do it himself- fair enough but he just ends up spending all his money on take aways and FIFA/ X box, taking his GF out etc.
Not to drip feed, it may / may not be relevant but he is quite an immature 17 yr old who struggles with simple tasks and authority. We (his Dad and I) believe he has ADHD but he’s always refused any intervention.
We’ve sat down and talked about costs and tried to simplify budgeting but also emphasise the importance of not living beyond your means. He says he understands but it’s like in one ear and out of the other.
He recently got one of those silly tin money boxes from pound land that you put money in but can’t get out again. He drew cash out and put about £200 in then a few days later opened it with a tin opener because he realised he suddenly had no money in his bank account and wanted to go out 🙈
any advice on how to help him learn how to budget?

OP posts:
Cheeriochoc · 18/02/2023 23:40

What does he do? Does he work full time?

Do you charge him rent? If not I’d ask him to pay you some token money for rent / bills and then if you can afford to save it on his behalf without telling him. Then when you think he’s got his act together it’ll be a nice help for him.

Bookegg · 18/02/2023 23:41

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the user's request

Cheeriochoc · 18/02/2023 23:41

Don’t forget he’s only 17, still just a baby really!

Original poster
SeaSnakes · 18/02/2023 23:46

He works in a fast food restaurant. We are lucky enough to not need him to pay us any board and he knows that. I have suggested he pays us ‘rent’ but he just smiles and says no you don’t need it!

OP posts:
Onnabugeisha · 18/02/2023 23:46

You need to keep coming up with ideas as to how he can save himself. The transfer or give cash to you is useless as what will he do when he’s 30?

So, he now knows the wad of cash in a tin doesn’t work for him. Have you suggested a separate savings account with a standing order of say £75 every fortnight?

PenguinsandHippos · 18/02/2023 23:47

Wait for natural consequences. We f he doesn’t save up then he can’t go on holiday, so he misses out.

It’s a rough lesson to learn, but better to learn it now than later.

Cheeriochoc · 18/02/2023 23:48

Well I’d say to him he needs to pay rent, not because you need him to but because he’s earning money and he needs to learn to be responsible.

Then bank it and give it back to him when he is demonstrated he can be responsible for a while and actually pay rent without complaining! 😀

NoSquirrels · 18/02/2023 23:52

Perhaps he’d work well with an account like Monzo that has different pots you can put the money in?

Who is he going on holiday with?

Have you asked him what he’ll do when he can’t afford it?

NewNovember · 18/02/2023 23:54

Why isn't he in school?

Luredbyapomegranate · 18/02/2023 23:56

I would just tell him that paying you rent that you’ll save for him is the deal for living in the house. It’s your house you make the rules. Otherwise it’s something he’ll learn eventually, but I wouldn’t hold your breath.

Original poster
SeaSnakes · 18/02/2023 23:57

NewNovember · 18/02/2023 23:54

Why isn't he in school?

What do you mean?

OP posts:
lailamaria · 19/02/2023 00:35

i think you need to let him make this mistake on his own, i mean what can you really do, confiscate his money? the consequences to being bad and squandering his money now is that he won't get to go on holiday when he wants too

PreparationPreparationPrep · 19/02/2023 02:03

NewNovember · 18/02/2023 23:54

Why isn't he in school?

I also thought compulsorily education was now til 18.

Aquamarine1029 · 19/02/2023 02:07

You need to step back and let him learn the hard way. Do not bail him out if he comes to you for money.

sashh · 19/02/2023 05:24

PreparationPreparationPrep · 19/02/2023 02:03

I also thought compulsorily education was now til 18.

Show quote history

Nope.

Education, training or working.

OP

He needs to pay rent / board, he will never learn to budget if all his money is spending money.

Sit him down with a plan, he hands £X to you each week / fortnight for board and to save.

MintJulia · 19/02/2023 07:07

Let him fail. He won't be going on holiday.

And when he turns 18, if he is working, you need to start charging him board and lodging, or he will never learn. Protecting him from reality is not a good thing to do in the long term.

mycatsanutter · 19/02/2023 07:33

You have tried to help him and he has refused . Let him learn the hard way , is the holiday paid for and he needs spending money ? Or does the actual holiday need paying for ?

TiaI · 19/02/2023 07:34

what happens when he runs out of money each month? Do you sub him? If you do give or loan him any cash you need to stop and let him feel the consequences of having no cash.

you also need to tell him that you will not be financing his holiday. And mean it. Just in case he’s hopeful you might help out.

He doesn’t need you to save on his behalf, he needs a better system and to learn how to control his own finances. he’s learning to be an adult at this stage.

having a diary of what he’s spent his cash on is a good first step for him. will enable him to review his own spending habits. There are apps he could use to record and it’s more visual for some. He could also have a direct debit from his main account into a savings account. what takeaway does he get? Maybe he could learn to make the same dish at home?

PreparationPreparationPrep · 19/02/2023 07:39

Yes I thought working under 18 was as in apprenticeships - I am aware of NEET, but thought there were relatively recent changes which meant teens stayed in education or apprenticeship training til 18 but ops son earning £200 per week at 17 doesn't sound like apprenticeship training. - but maybe it is.

PreparationPreparationPrep · 19/02/2023 07:49

OP does also suggest he may have ADHD in which case letting him fail again snd again may not work. It's hard to know whether it's just normal teenager excited about earning money for the first time, but if impulse control is an issue in other areas - then I would go for deducting a good percentage say 1/3. If he is living at home £100 per week it should be enough for him to still enjoy. Save it for him snd when you have a substantial amount saved he can use it for something worthwhile - he may not see the benefits of regularly saving a small amount now but seeing a good amount might be the incentive for him to continue as by then he can see that he is still able to enjoy his earned money and save

IrishJP · 19/02/2023 07:54

Unfortunately he’s old enough to sort his own finances out now, you can advise, but that’s about it.

Please start charging him rent, and ensure he is contributing towards bills. You might not need the money but he has to learn that living isn’t free. That bills need to be paid and they have to come before other things and that the natural consequence of spending all your money is being broke and missing out.

if you don’t need the money that’s fine, save it up and use it when he gets his own place to help with deposit/furniture etc

But don’t let me ignore you mentioning it and assume he doesn’t have to pay for things.

My MIL never charged her kids, never made them pitch in around the house and bails her kids out as adults every time they over spend. With the result that all of her children are appalling with money. DH is getting better, but I didn’t find out how terrible he was with money until we married and I literally had to treat him like a child and restrict his access to his own money to ensure our bills got paid.

instead of taking the responsibility away from him
Sit him down
Tell him your expectations of his financial and physical contribution fo you’d household, and that if he doesn’t comply, he can live elsewhere.
let him overspend and then let him miss out on life because of it, it’s literally the only way he will learn and when he’s older both he, and his future partners will thank you.

Aposterhasnoname · 19/02/2023 07:56

What do you mean he smiles and says no you don’t need it? You’re doing him no favours here at all. You don’t “suggest” he pays rent, you tell him he is. If you want to save it for him and give him it later that’s up to you, but don’t tell him that’s what you’re doing. Teaching kids to budget is one of a parents most vital jobs. You’re already seeing the results of not learning this. It will only get worse.

Soontobe60 · 19/02/2023 08:03

SeaSnakes · 18/02/2023 23:46

He works in a fast food restaurant. We are lucky enough to not need him to pay us any board and he knows that. I have suggested he pays us ‘rent’ but he just smiles and says no you don’t need it!

I’d be smiling back at him and tell him to get his hand in his pocket pronto! Whether you ‘need’ the money off him or not is irrelevant, and frankly none of his bloody business.
With regards to him budgeting, it’s really one of those ‘learn the hard way’ things. Some bank accounts let you set up savings pots (Starling do) where you set up a pot for a particular thing such as a holiday. How much do you need to save, when do you need to have saved it by and how much per month will you need to save to reach that goal. It then shows you the progress.
Ultimately though, any money he saves he will be able to access as it’s his money. If he gives it you to keep hold of, he can still demand you give it back to him!

37KAT · 19/02/2023 08:05

He is young and will have to learn. The cash is a novelty to him at the moment.

Regardless of him/you deciding that you don't need a contribution to housekeeping is not sensible as he will never learn that the cost of living is not free.
If he is spending all his money, are you bailing him out when it runs out? If so, stop. Same goes if he asks for a loan to pay for his holiday.

YouJustDoYou · 19/02/2023 08:09

Pre-prep him now, right now, or you'll end up with a legal adult in your home who just spends all his money on shit, doesn't contribute to bills or food, and won't ever move out because he's never been to save. You're letting him just smile at you and say no?

OP, you have to put your foot down, now. You are doing yourselves and him absolutely no favours whatsoever by not showing him/making him budget.