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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

DS 17 cannot budget

113 replies

SeaSnakes · 18/02/2023 23:38

DS 17 is rubbish with money. He gets paid fortnightly between £350 - £400. He’s currently trying to save to go on holiday. We have suggested he puts X amount away as soon as he gets paid to save up. We have offered to help by either transferring the money to us and we’ll keep it safe for him or if he prefers to draw out cash and similarly we’ll keep it safe.
He keeps refusing our help as he wants to do it himself- fair enough but he just ends up spending all his money on take aways and FIFA/ X box, taking his GF out etc.
Not to drip feed, it may / may not be relevant but he is quite an immature 17 yr old who struggles with simple tasks and authority. We (his Dad and I) believe he has ADHD but he’s always refused any intervention.
We’ve sat down and talked about costs and tried to simplify budgeting but also emphasise the importance of not living beyond your means. He says he understands but it’s like in one ear and out of the other.
He recently got one of those silly tin money boxes from pound land that you put money in but can’t get out again. He drew cash out and put about £200 in then a few days later opened it with a tin opener because he realised he suddenly had no money in his bank account and wanted to go out 🙈
any advice on how to help him learn how to budget?

OP posts:
grayhairdontcare · 19/02/2023 08:12

If he doesn't save then hen he can't go.
That will sort him out

sandgrown · 19/02/2023 08:13

My DS, who does have ADHD, was exactly the same . He spent every penny he earned while at college. I couldn’t afford to lend him money but I later found out he had borrowed from friends when his earnings were low. He started an apprenticeship ,with a decent wage , and pays board. While he still isn’t brilliant at long term savings he now saves money for expensive clothing, trips and festivals. Your son will get there. If you can’t be foolish at 17 when can you ?

rexythedinosaur · 19/02/2023 08:14

Get him a Monzo bank account.

The app is fabulous and you can put money into 'pots' for certain things. A bit like his money tin I suppose though so he will still have to show some restraint not taking it out. But kids love apps so it could be a motivation😂

Beyond that - never rescue him when he's spent all his money. Don't pay for his holiday for him if he can't save.

It's a hard lesson but that's a sure fire way to learn.

Duttercup · 19/02/2023 08:15

Does it matter? The natural consequences of not saving for the thing you were meant to save for is an easy enough lesson without you having to be the bad guy.

And I think there's a bit too much drama about the consequences on the thread. I was bad at saving as a teenager, I successfully pay my mortgage, bills and have savings as an adult. Noone intervened, I just got older.

EnglishRain · 19/02/2023 08:19

SeaSnakes · 18/02/2023 23:46

He works in a fast food restaurant. We are lucky enough to not need him to pay us any board and he knows that. I have suggested he pays us ‘rent’ but he just smiles and says no you don’t need it!

Cheeky sod. It's not about needing it, it's about learning that you have to pay your way in life as you move towards adulthood. I would absolutely charge my children rent. Unbeknown to them I will keep it and give it back to them at a point in the future, but as far as they are concerned they will pay it. There comes a point where it does cost some people money and they can't afford it too, ie. Losing single person council tax discount, increase in food and energy bills.

BuddhaAtSea · 19/02/2023 08:23

I’d just let him face the consequences. Which will come when all his mates are going to Spain for the week and he won’t be able to afford it.
I stopped DD’s pocket money at 14, if she wanted to go out, buy whatever, she needed to work for it. I provided the basics. She got a Saturday job when she realised I mean it, came home absolutely shattered after an 8 h shift that paid her £40. ‘Is this how HARD it is to earn only £40?!! Mum, this is awful!!! Can’t do anything with £40’
😂😂😂
They’ll learn, just don’t be tempted to help them at this stage, it’ll make it worse in the long run.

Ragwort · 19/02/2023 08:36

Your mistake is not charging him board and lodging, it's not a matter of whether you 'need' it or not but for him to respect that as a member of the family, now earning, he needs to contribute towards the household expenses and wages are not just for fun and holidays. Maybe give him a months 'warning' that you expect a contribution of X pounds .. or would he prefer to go and live in a house share?

Oblomov23 · 19/02/2023 08:39

Talk to him again. Tell him he won't be able to go on Holiday if he doesn't get to grips with it.

Why have you not addressed the ADHD before. Whilst he may object you should have at least tried to implement all ADHD recommendations. Parts of parenting are hard. This is one of them.You should have persisted despite his objections.

Haus1234 · 19/02/2023 08:41

The tin didn’t work as the money was still in the house and too tempting. Suggest he tries something harder to access - a premium bonds account? Can you still get a saving account where you have a book and have to go to the actual bank?

Beamur · 19/02/2023 08:44

Does he pay for his own phone, transport costs, clothing? Etc. If not, he should be.
This is the next stage of parenting - getting them ready to fly the nest.
If you are propping him up financially, start easing back from it. Natural consequences - like running out of money and not being able to afford things are valuable lessons.

Springintoabetterlife · 19/02/2023 08:44

SeaSnakes · 18/02/2023 23:57

What do you mean?

Show quote history

In England he is required to be education or training until he is 28. In reality it’s not enforceable but his work place can and should be in trouble for employing him full time.

Springintoabetterlife · 19/02/2023 08:47

Springintoabetterlife · 19/02/2023 08:44

In England he is required to be education or training until he is 28. In reality it’s not enforceable but his work place can and should be in trouble for employing him full time.

Show quote history

Argh, obviously that is 18 not 28!

bellac11 · 19/02/2023 08:52

PreparationPreparationPrep · 19/02/2023 07:39

Yes I thought working under 18 was as in apprenticeships - I am aware of NEET, but thought there were relatively recent changes which meant teens stayed in education or apprenticeship training til 18 but ops son earning £200 per week at 17 doesn't sound like apprenticeship training. - but maybe it is.

On paper yes, in reality most young people make their own plans. Its better for kids to be working in my view

bellac11 · 19/02/2023 08:55

Oblomov23 · 19/02/2023 08:39

Talk to him again. Tell him he won't be able to go on Holiday if he doesn't get to grips with it.

Why have you not addressed the ADHD before. Whilst he may object you should have at least tried to implement all ADHD recommendations. Parts of parenting are hard. This is one of them.You should have persisted despite his objections.

OP says suspected, ie he is not diagnosed. You cant diagnose someone who refuses to engage in the assessment process. He may have ADHD or he might not. its his right not to engage if he doesnt want to

Daffodilsandtuplips · 19/02/2023 08:55

SeaSnakes · 18/02/2023 23:46

He works in a fast food restaurant. We are lucky enough to not need him to pay us any board and he knows that. I have suggested he pays us ‘rent’ but he just smiles and says no you don’t need it!

Do you pay for everything for his welfare, food, heating, broadband, toiletries, do his washing? Does he buy his own clothes or do you buy them?
Bring up the subject of ‘Board’ again, he could afford to contribute £50.00 a week at those wages. Tell him that with the cost of living crisis he’s going to have to contribute to the household. If he comes back with the you don’t need it comment then say that’s not the point, you’re working now, you’re not a child any more.

bellac11 · 19/02/2023 09:00

Springintoabetterlife · 19/02/2023 08:44

In England he is required to be education or training until he is 28. In reality it’s not enforceable but his work place can and should be in trouble for employing him full time.

Show quote history

He can work up to 40 hours and he might not be working as many as that for the money quoted

Thatcatisdrivingmenuts · 19/02/2023 09:28

Surely it's 18, not 28!! 🙂

I'd let natural consequences take over and let him learn by not going on holiday.

Why do OPs ask people "what do you mean" when the question is quite straightforward. She knows what the poster meant, obviously.

Whyisitsososohard · 19/02/2023 09:36

I think the poster who asked why was he not in school thought the training work or education to 18 was just education.

But honestly and I don't mean this to be snobby. Is he just working in a fast food restaurant at 17? And not in education or training? What are his plans for the future?

As in my own personal experience getting education or qualifications beyond the time you are living at home is hard and take dedication. So if he's just working and not set in making it a career I'd be also talking to home about that. Obviously some people do have careers in fast food and enjoy it. Which is fine, I'm not judging.

sashh · 19/02/2023 10:01

If he is working a fast food restaurant then the 'training' can be things like food hygiene, health and safety, how to work a till.

Alainlechat · 19/02/2023 10:02

My DD works in a fast food restaurant while studying for A levels, she gets around 250 a fortnight, so could be possible that the OPs son is doing 22 hours a week or so whilst studying, some pay £8+ an hour.

Anyway DD isn't saving either and we've had the same convo about saving up for a car. We will help her but she has to save the first 1000. So far not much saved so we'll see.

Original poster
SeaSnakes · 19/02/2023 10:40

mycatsanutter · 19/02/2023 07:33

You have tried to help him and he has refused . Let him learn the hard way , is the holiday paid for and he needs spending money ? Or does the actual holiday need paying for ?

He has paid the deposit, he will also pay the balance as soon as he gets paid next. It’s the spending money he’s struggling with. I know you’re right about being firm, but he’s going with his gf and two other couples. I’m not sure I could see him go with very little spending money.

I agree with the concept of learning the hard way but not sure I can let him go abroad with a few quid

OP posts:
Original poster
SeaSnakes · 19/02/2023 10:43

Whyisitsososohard · 19/02/2023 09:36

I think the poster who asked why was he not in school thought the training work or education to 18 was just education.

But honestly and I don't mean this to be snobby. Is he just working in a fast food restaurant at 17? And not in education or training? What are his plans for the future?

As in my own personal experience getting education or qualifications beyond the time you are living at home is hard and take dedication. So if he's just working and not set in making it a career I'd be also talking to home about that. Obviously some people do have careers in fast food and enjoy it. Which is fine, I'm not judging.

He has had a lot of problems including behavioural and school refusal. It’s not ideal and his Dad and me have had no choice but to lower our expectations and work with what we’ve got. We are just pleased he has a job and is not in trouble or lounging around all day on his Xbox

OP posts:
Original poster
SeaSnakes · 19/02/2023 10:44

Thatcatisdrivingmenuts · 19/02/2023 09:28

Surely it's 18, not 28!! 🙂

I'd let natural consequences take over and let him learn by not going on holiday.

Why do OPs ask people "what do you mean" when the question is quite straightforward. She knows what the poster meant, obviously.

Because it’s obvious in the OP that he wasn’t in school as he was working. Legal age where I live to attend school is 16.

OP posts:
Original poster
SeaSnakes · 19/02/2023 10:47

sandgrown · 19/02/2023 08:13

My DS, who does have ADHD, was exactly the same . He spent every penny he earned while at college. I couldn’t afford to lend him money but I later found out he had borrowed from friends when his earnings were low. He started an apprenticeship ,with a decent wage , and pays board. While he still isn’t brilliant at long term savings he now saves money for expensive clothing, trips and festivals. Your son will get there. If you can’t be foolish at 17 when can you ?

That’s very reassuring thank you. I do think he is a bit behind developmentally and do just hope it’s something he will ‘get’ eventually! Glad your son got an apprenticeship that’s great

OP posts:
bellac11 · 19/02/2023 10:52

I think people dont understand that school leaving age is still around 16 but there are requirements from school leaving age until 18 to do one of the categories others have spoken about. Its not enforceable in reality really. it also affects child benefit payments if the child is not in one of those formal categories.

The reality is that for some young people, its far better for them to be in proper work, earning good money, developing life and social skills and any other training which their job will naturally give them (as others have pointed out, health and safety, hygiene, working the till, cashing up etc)

I dont know why people are so snobby about this.