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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

DS 17 cannot budget

113 replies

SeaSnakes · 18/02/2023 23:38

DS 17 is rubbish with money. He gets paid fortnightly between £350 - £400. He’s currently trying to save to go on holiday. We have suggested he puts X amount away as soon as he gets paid to save up. We have offered to help by either transferring the money to us and we’ll keep it safe for him or if he prefers to draw out cash and similarly we’ll keep it safe.
He keeps refusing our help as he wants to do it himself- fair enough but he just ends up spending all his money on take aways and FIFA/ X box, taking his GF out etc.
Not to drip feed, it may / may not be relevant but he is quite an immature 17 yr old who struggles with simple tasks and authority. We (his Dad and I) believe he has ADHD but he’s always refused any intervention.
We’ve sat down and talked about costs and tried to simplify budgeting but also emphasise the importance of not living beyond your means. He says he understands but it’s like in one ear and out of the other.
He recently got one of those silly tin money boxes from pound land that you put money in but can’t get out again. He drew cash out and put about £200 in then a few days later opened it with a tin opener because he realised he suddenly had no money in his bank account and wanted to go out 🙈
any advice on how to help him learn how to budget?

OP posts:
Original poster
SeaSnakes · 19/02/2023 10:53

Alainlechat · 19/02/2023 10:02

My DD works in a fast food restaurant while studying for A levels, she gets around 250 a fortnight, so could be possible that the OPs son is doing 22 hours a week or so whilst studying, some pay £8+ an hour.

Anyway DD isn't saving either and we've had the same convo about saving up for a car. We will help her but she has to save the first 1000. So far not much saved so we'll see.

We lent him the money from his trust fund to buy a car. (His idea). He’s been having driving lessons, he’s ok at driving but he just can’t cope with learning the theory. He’s lost all confidence and his car is just sat on the drive 😬, I really wish he would just learn the theory and go in for his test! It’s so frustrating we’re always offering to help with testing him but he just says he can’t do it.

OP posts:
Original poster
SeaSnakes · 19/02/2023 11:03

BuddhaAtSea · 19/02/2023 08:23

I’d just let him face the consequences. Which will come when all his mates are going to Spain for the week and he won’t be able to afford it.
I stopped DD’s pocket money at 14, if she wanted to go out, buy whatever, she needed to work for it. I provided the basics. She got a Saturday job when she realised I mean it, came home absolutely shattered after an 8 h shift that paid her £40. ‘Is this how HARD it is to earn only £40?!! Mum, this is awful!!! Can’t do anything with £40’
😂😂😂
They’ll learn, just don’t be tempted to help them at this stage, it’ll make it worse in the long run.

Ha ha indeed! £40 is nothing to them is it! I have said no to bailing him out and he just borrows money off his GF or a friend- he doesn’t seem to understand you can’t have something if you can’t afford it, but I guess at some point he will just have to learn the hard way.
He does pay them back but of course then he has less money (obviously) but can’t seem to see that at the time, he’s very impulsive and can’t seem to think things through or realise consequences. He also does stupid things like buy ridiculously expensive clothes (£300 for a designer jumper for example) but that’s probably more novelty and teenage thing.

OP posts:
isthewashingdryyet · 19/02/2023 11:19

Sweetheart, you have to let him go on his holiday with just a few £ in his pocket.
Otherwise, what has he learnt, stood there abroad in his £300 top and £200 jeans and £250 trainers ??

And you have to talk to his mates so they don’t subsidise him. They need to know it is okay to say that the shop over there has cheese and bread and water and we are going in this nice restaurant for our meal

Original poster
SeaSnakes · 19/02/2023 11:21

isthewashingdryyet · 19/02/2023 11:19

Sweetheart, you have to let him go on his holiday with just a few £ in his pocket.
Otherwise, what has he learnt, stood there abroad in his £300 top and £200 jeans and £250 trainers ??

And you have to talk to his mates so they don’t subsidise him. They need to know it is okay to say that the shop over there has cheese and bread and water and we are going in this nice restaurant for our meal

I can just see this happening 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
SeaSnakes · 19/02/2023 11:23

I’ve just ordered him a load of holiday shorts, polo shirts and joggers from Nike (he won’t wear Primark unfortunately) I shouldn’t have done that 🙈

OP posts:
isthewashingdryyet · 19/02/2023 11:30

Oh, dear goodness to Betsy, what do you want from him.

a) to be a responsible person with his money to pay for his own WANTS
b) to use the bank of mum forever

isthewashingdryyet · 19/02/2023 11:32

Posted too soon,

you have as much choice here as he does. Go on subsidising him for ever, or get tough and teach financial independence to him.

I feel so sorry for his mates and his girlfriend, so much harder for other young people to say NO. You are not being kind to them here either.

Mrsjayy · 19/02/2023 11:34

SeaSnakes · 18/02/2023 23:46

He works in a fast food restaurant. We are lucky enough to not need him to pay us any board and he knows that. I have suggested he pays us ‘rent’ but he just smiles and says no you don’t need it!

Well if he doesn't want to pay towards "rent" he needs to pat towards the bills he uses electric heat and water doesn't he ? You have to be firm say he could pay his share seeing he is a working adult.

LlynTegid · 19/02/2023 11:37

Unfortunately he may have to learn the hard way, no holiday perhaps. I think you have done the right thing by refusing to bail him out.

welshdaisy · 19/02/2023 11:38

My daughter is 17 and we are in a similar boat. She gets paid £730 month for 15 hours a week, so for her this is huge. She wasn't very good at budgeting and saying by herself so I have started taking £150 month off her and I put it in a savings account for herself. She's happy to do that and gives it to me on her payday. It's a nest egg if she chooses to go to uni in the near future... or to put towards a car when she passes.

welshdaisy · 19/02/2023 11:38

Sorry meant to write saving, not saying oops

NewNovember · 19/02/2023 11:57

sashh · 19/02/2023 05:24

Nope.

Education, training or working.

OP

He needs to pay rent / board, he will never learn to budget if all his money is spending money.

Sit him down with a plan, he hands £X to you each week / fortnight for board and to save.

Show quote history

It's not or working it's and

PreparationPreparationPrep · 19/02/2023 11:57

He has had a lot of problems including behavioural and school refusal. It’s not ideal and his Dad and me have had no choice but to lower our expectations and work with what we’ve got. We are just pleased he has a job and is not in trouble or lounging around all day on his Xbox

I understand where you are coming from OP and using this approach - it really depends on him and as a parent you have an idea if he has undiagnosed ADHD. You could point him to online videos with young people with similar issues - there a a lot of reputable Instagram accounts. If he can recognise some of his behaviours in young adults similar to himself who are finding ways to manage their lives he may be more accepting of some of the issues that he can deal with as it could could cause problems in future at work/ relationships etc - areas that you can't be there to support him.

And if he is going to be a young driver with ADHD he will need a level of awareness and acceptance.

I don't have any issues with education/ training / work etc - I just thought the age had changed so it would have been an apprenticeship but if he found school difficult and if he is happier and enjoys the world of work then that is the best way. The school system works for the majority but not for all so for some it's a relief to finally get out!

Nn9011 · 19/02/2023 12:00

If he has ADHD then this is a symptom of it. It's not something he will wake up one day and 'get'. Being impulsive, spending more than you should, buying things that bring dopamine are all part of ADHD.
The best way I have found to manage this is to have multiple bank accounts, one I only use for spending money and standing orders into savings or fixed savings account s like a regular saver which means I can't access it easily.
Maybe have a conversation to discuss spending money and money habits with ADHD and ask if that's how he feels and explain this is something he can work on.

NewNovember · 19/02/2023 12:03

Sorry posted to soon unless Scotland you can work at 17 but only in addition to education so school, college an apprenticeship etc. So that was the reason for my question it was why is he not in school, your answer could have been "we live in Scotland" , "he goes to college in the evenings" or something else which is why I asked.

Choconut · 19/02/2023 13:02

I think it's pretty clear why he is the way he is!

Tallie27 · 19/02/2023 13:36

Sorry to be harsh but he sounds spoilt. He also has no reason to save as he knows you will bail him out. I think this is one of the cruel to be kind scenarios!

Liorae · 19/02/2023 13:46

Cheeriochoc · 18/02/2023 23:41

Don’t forget he’s only 17, still just a baby really!

17 is not just a baby. That infantilizing attitude creates young men like that of the OP'S son.

hekissedmybottom · 19/02/2023 13:50

I've always been bad at budgeting and found a spreadsheet with a running total has helped a lot. It means I can plot income and outgoings and see how much money I will have once each transaction has happened. It's invaluable actually and means I never run out of money. If I want a takeaway next Monday I plot it and it shows my balance will decrease and how much I'm left with. This way I know how much I have spare at any given moment.

Ultimately it all comes down to wanting to budge though. I only do this as I'm now a single parent which has necessitated responsibility. You can't make someone need to budget, unless say you charge rent.

Even when I left home at 18 I was still this way right up until today, 20 years later, because I literally need to be because I'm responsible for someone else.

SplunkPostGres · 19/02/2023 13:56

He needs a Monzo or Starling bank account. They let you create virtual pots with target amounts and tell you how long it will take to reach the target with set contributions. On Monzo the premium accounts (from £5 a month) also have trends on spending data, and can create custom categories for tracking spending. He may find it easier to budget with better visibility on how he’s spending his money.

Oblomov23 · 19/02/2023 14:00

"his Dad and me have had no choice but to lower our expectations and work with what we’ve got."

This makes me so angry. Angry biggest load of rubbish ever. What a parenting cop out. What a poor excuse. My son was a bit hard, so instead of doing any of the hard work, I just let him get away with it. Your poor son. He deserves better parenting. Many many mn posters have SN children, but they don't abscond from parenting duties. Once it gets a bit tough you just give up? Shame on you.

And yes. My AS ds1 bought me to my knees, but I never stopped working at it. So yes, I do know.

Original poster
SeaSnakes · 19/02/2023 14:05

Oblomov23 · 19/02/2023 14:00

"his Dad and me have had no choice but to lower our expectations and work with what we’ve got."

This makes me so angry. Angry biggest load of rubbish ever. What a parenting cop out. What a poor excuse. My son was a bit hard, so instead of doing any of the hard work, I just let him get away with it. Your poor son. He deserves better parenting. Many many mn posters have SN children, but they don't abscond from parenting duties. Once it gets a bit tough you just give up? Shame on you.

And yes. My AS ds1 bought me to my knees, but I never stopped working at it. So yes, I do know.

I’m sorry you’re so angry but I think you may have misunderstood taking a different parenting approach to ‘copping out’ of parenting.

you have no idea what we have dealt with in the passed or how we parent currently, you have a snippet from this one post and have made your own assumptions

Shame on you

OP posts:
Beamur · 19/02/2023 14:07

SeaSnakes · 19/02/2023 11:23

I’ve just ordered him a load of holiday shorts, polo shirts and joggers from Nike (he won’t wear Primark unfortunately) I shouldn’t have done that 🙈

No, you shouldn't have.
Maybe you are part of the problem here...if you want him to be more responsible, stop paying for stuff.

Beamur · 19/02/2023 14:08

SeaSnakes · 19/02/2023 11:23

I’ve just ordered him a load of holiday shorts, polo shirts and joggers from Nike (he won’t wear Primark unfortunately) I shouldn’t have done that 🙈

No, you shouldn't have.
Maybe you are part of the problem here...if you want him to be more responsible, stop paying for stuff.

Liorae · 19/02/2023 14:11

He will wear primark if nothing else is bought for him. You sound like you are completely lacking critical thinking skills.

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