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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

DS 16 lied and broke trust

100 replies

Squip · 18/02/2023 13:30

Trying to maintain some sense of perspective here and not fly off the handle!

DS is largely well behaved, responsible and mature. However he developed a new friendship group some months ago that his school has raised concerns over. His behaviour at school started to dip (nothing major) and we told him this had to improve or he would be grounded. His behaviour is school has improved and he's been getting his head down with revision (although could do more!).

All has seemed good, except we have now discovered he recently stayed at his father's house with a friend, whilst his father was away, when he'd been expressly told this was not something we'd permit. He lied to me that he was staying at a friends (I dropped him there!). We only discovered when his dad came back and found some food containers in the recycling that weren't there before. No evidence of foul play or that others were involved - neighbours haven't complained about noise and I don't believe it was a party or anything. They obviously tidied up after themselves! The amount in the recycling would verify it was only 2 people's waste. He says they just had sonething to eat and stayed up late playing on the PlayStation. I have a hunch they were vaping (school raised concerns about his friendship group in this respect).

Whilst seemingly no major harm done, I am livid that he lied to do this behand our backs. Interested to know how others would handle this. I am thinking of grounding him but no idea how long for. Not really ever had to discipline him much - usually just talking through consequences and setting out future expectations with threat of luxuries taken away/grounding has been enough. But this has crossed a big line for me. His dad is going to put an extra lock on his door when he's away and DS is with me, so it cannot happen again, but he needs to learn a lesson here about trust.

OP posts:
fooyangcake · 18/02/2023 13:39

This doesn't sound that outrageous for a 16yo. I think it's pretty common for teens to say they're staying with a friend then do something else.

VictoriaBun · 18/02/2023 13:43

Yes it's not good that he lied , but at 16 if staying at his Dad's while he was away is the worse he's ever done , then you've been lucky with him.

Mardyface · 18/02/2023 13:44

I would tread really carefully here. Yes - he lied. But then he acted in what was an otherwise pretty responsible way. Maybe the rule was wrong in the first place?

I think it's fine to be quietly disappointed but too much talk about trust and line crossing and he'll think he should have done something worse than had a friend round for a takeaway when alone at home (which his dad's house is, right?).

AlmostSummer21 · 18/02/2023 13:45

I see your point, but, maybe you need to trust him?

They didn't have a party. They didn't trash the place.

At what age do you plan on letting him be in either house without a parent?

Purplecatshopaholic · 18/02/2023 13:45

i would take your own advice here in your first line. Maintain some perspective and don’t fly off the handle! This is fairly typical behaviour for a 16 year old - he wanted to do something you didn’t want, so he did it and tried to get away with it. A stern chat, fine. I personally think much else is overkill.

determinedtomakethiswork · 18/02/2023 13:46

Was it another boy that he took home or a girlfriend?

musingsinmidlife · 18/02/2023 13:47

He is 16 and a typical teenager. He is striving for independence as he figures himself out and 'what they don't know won't hurt them' is a way to get that independence. Let it go. Tell him you are disappointed he lied and it will make it hard to trust him to be where he says he is.

Goldplatedbag · 18/02/2023 13:47

I think children of all ages respond best when you do give them some responsibility and trust. At 16yo he should have been told to make the most of Dad's house IMO. Then you'd all be pleased that all he did was have one friend over, leave the place tidy and play computer games.

GoodChat · 18/02/2023 13:48

He was respectful of the empty house, didn't make a mess etc. just trust him.

Dreamingofasandybeach · 18/02/2023 13:50

I get it, that it's been a big line crossed but when I was 16, I'd tell my parents I was staying at a friend's house for a sleepover and we would be out all night getting drunk in a field so if anything I guess it's better that they were in a safe home playing PlayStation? Again big line crossed as they've been found out, sit him down and give him his punishment i.e. grounding him but other than that at least he was in a safe place. Take the key to his dad's off him so he can't do it again while his dad is away. Hope it all works out, teens love to push boundaries.

If it makes you feel any better about the smoking. My DSS (was 16) was home alone while we were at a wedding party for a couple of hours (thought he was mature enough to be left alone playing playstation) and got home and he'd been smoking a joint out of his window 🤣 the whole room stank (god knows why he felt we wouldnt smell it) we didn't make that mistake again by leaving him alone. Grounded for the whole of the summer 🥲

StrongerThanYouTh1nk · 18/02/2023 13:54

Wow what? If this is your biggest problem right now, I'd count your blessings. This is a complete non-issue. All teenagers lie when they know that truth is inconvenient. I'd focus on building trust so that next time he could tell you about his (pretty innocent) plans rather than have to go behind your back.

MaireadMcSweeney · 18/02/2023 13:56

Why wouldn't you let him stay there with a friend?
If your boundaries are unreasonable, rigid and inappropriate for his age, he is likely to break them. More information needed. It's not reasonable to expect a 16 year old to follow every rule you have just because you have it.

SirChenjins · 18/02/2023 13:56

Is there a reason that this seemingly sensible and responsible teenager can’t take advantage of ‘an empty’ with one of his friends while his Dad is out? I presume he’s allowed a friend or two round when you’re out?
Lying is not good, obviously, but in the overall scheme of things this is so mild as to warrant nothing more than ‘you must let me know where you are so I know you’re safe - please don’t lie to me again, I don’t like it’.

Mariposista · 18/02/2023 14:23

Perhaps you need to stop being so uptight and banning him from doing pretty reasonable things which most teenagers would want to do. Then he wouldn't feel the need to do them behind your back just to have a life.

Squip · 18/02/2023 14:30

Thank you for all the responses. I think you're mostly right in me needing to trust him a bit more. It's not that his dad was out - he works away a lot. He's had friends over for evenings on his own no problem, just not overnight. I am admittedly slightly paranoid about him taking a girl back there (I really hope it was the friend he said it was - though he doesnt seem overly loved up which I imagine he would if it had been!) . I think if I were a mum of girls I'd be worried about this kind of thing and I want to be sure we're being responsible. It's an alien situation to me there is an empty house he can go back to!

OP posts:
gamerchick · 18/02/2023 14:32

You've got the child stranglehold on him. That's why he's lying. He's 16, he's growing up. They need a different type of parenting at that age. That doesn't involve ruddy grounding, a bit more freedom and some more adult responsibilities. Unless you have no faith in your parenting up till now and need to keep him under lock and key like.....

Upsidedownagain · 18/02/2023 14:33

It really aggravates me when they lie but I do think that in this case he otherwise acted responsibly, safely and respectfully in terms of how he left his dad's place. Find out why he did this - did you forbid him from something other than staying at his dad's? Talk to him about what you want him to do in the future, but be prepared to compromise.

Whatever you do, don't "ground" him. That's demeaning and technically can't be enforced. We were told by police that you can't stop a 14 yo from leaving the house.

Instead, agree boundaries with him that are reasonable.

BTW I hope the school have told all the families of his "undesirable" friendship group about the vaping and poor behaviour. Or are they unfairly discriminating in favour of a high achieving middle class boy?

gamerchick · 18/02/2023 14:34

Be aware, he's at an age where he could leave home and there would be fuck all you could do about it. You need to have an adult chat with him, not treat him like a little kid and ask him what his needs are and listen to him.

YoBeaches · 18/02/2023 14:37

He actually sounds like a pretty decent kid

OP, is there any possibility he's gay?

YukoandHiro · 18/02/2023 14:37

You need to relax your boundaries a bit tbh. This is exactly what I did at 16 (lie) because I got constant no's when other parents were aware of gatherings and fine with it (not just speculation, I knew the parents and families well). When I told lies I made sure other sensible and responsible parents knew where we actually were so that if there was an emergency we were covered - but those parents, who knew I was there too, always assumed my parents also knew.
I never got caught out so didn't pay the consequences, but i wonder if you need to think about the freedoms a 16/17 year old needs.

Squip · 18/02/2023 14:37

I've never actually rounded him or needed to consider it before this.

I had a lot harsher discipline growing up and have worked hard not to be that parent. Occasionally I worry I've gone too far the other way and worry I'm too lax. It's actually really good to hear resoundingly it's okay to trust him with this!! Thank you.

OP posts:
Squip · 18/02/2023 14:38

Grounded not rounded 🤦‍♀️

OP posts:
fUNNYfACE36 · 18/02/2023 14:46

Stop treating him like a baby .He is 16- practically an adult, you can't be grounding him or he'll tell you to do one!

Ireallydohope · 18/02/2023 14:50

He's 16

It's perfectly normal especially in his own home and he left the place clean

It's not even a thing

Vegansausagevole · 18/02/2023 14:51

Why would it be an even worse scenario if it were a girlfriend or a boyfriend, he’s 16 it’s legal. Would you rather he was having sex in a field or something? You and his dad need to take a chill pill, why wouldn’t you have permitted him to stay at his dad’s on his own with a pal? All this talk of grounding when he’s 16 yr old is just ridiculous.

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