Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

DS 16 lied and broke trust

100 replies

Squip · 18/02/2023 13:30

Trying to maintain some sense of perspective here and not fly off the handle!

DS is largely well behaved, responsible and mature. However he developed a new friendship group some months ago that his school has raised concerns over. His behaviour at school started to dip (nothing major) and we told him this had to improve or he would be grounded. His behaviour is school has improved and he's been getting his head down with revision (although could do more!).

All has seemed good, except we have now discovered he recently stayed at his father's house with a friend, whilst his father was away, when he'd been expressly told this was not something we'd permit. He lied to me that he was staying at a friends (I dropped him there!). We only discovered when his dad came back and found some food containers in the recycling that weren't there before. No evidence of foul play or that others were involved - neighbours haven't complained about noise and I don't believe it was a party or anything. They obviously tidied up after themselves! The amount in the recycling would verify it was only 2 people's waste. He says they just had sonething to eat and stayed up late playing on the PlayStation. I have a hunch they were vaping (school raised concerns about his friendship group in this respect).

Whilst seemingly no major harm done, I am livid that he lied to do this behand our backs. Interested to know how others would handle this. I am thinking of grounding him but no idea how long for. Not really ever had to discipline him much - usually just talking through consequences and setting out future expectations with threat of luxuries taken away/grounding has been enough. But this has crossed a big line for me. His dad is going to put an extra lock on his door when he's away and DS is with me, so it cannot happen again, but he needs to learn a lesson here about trust.

OP posts:
MerryMarigold · 18/02/2023 15:22

I understand the lying got to you OP, but I think it was a bit strict in the first place. I have a 17yo and I'd be quietly delighted if he did that. All normal. I wouldn't go down the extra locks route unless his Dad really doesn't want him there if he's away (don't see why not but it's his call I guess).

Don't come down too hard or you'll push him into the hands of the dodgy boys. I understand that a bit as my 14yo is in a similar situation but I try to tread between reasonable and having some boundaries. I know his character and the harsher I am, the more I will play to his rebellious side. We're not at 16 yet though.

If my DS was doing better at school and had been respectful of the property then I would leave it just as being a bit dangerous that you didn't know his location - which is never a good thing. If you approach it from that safety viewpoint rather than coming down on lying and shaming him I think it would sound more reasonable. In this situation it was not good that you didn't know where he was, had anything happened.

pilates · 18/02/2023 15:22

My first thought was he had a girl round for some fun time. You definitely need to have a chat about contraception.

MissingMoominMamma · 18/02/2023 15:23

Dad putting another lock on his door is pretty awful. What kind of message is that sending? This is not a safe space for you, son.

He sounds like a pretty respectful kid who got it wrong on this occasion.

marshmallowsforbreakfast · 18/02/2023 15:24

He lied to you because you sound like you don't trust him in the first place. Strict parenting creates liars. At 16 this seems fine and he sounds like he's been respectful and it it all. Even if it was a girl, he's 16 there really isn't anything you could get cross about?

RichardsGear · 18/02/2023 15:28

He's 16, he's going to push things a bit. My friend's parents used to go away regularly in their caravan when we were 16 on the understanding she could have a couple of female friends staying. We used to have the entire gang around, boys and girls, playing spin the bottle etc etc.
Vaping - plenty of 16 year olds doing that. I get that you don't want him to but he will do it regardless of what you want. The more authoritarian you try to become, the more ways he'll try to get round it.

Upsidedownagain · 18/02/2023 15:31

If his friends are also 16, I don't think you need to be concerned as to whether their parents know where they are or whether an adult is there. That is THEIR concern. If they lie to their parents, it's not your problem. If you are concerned for their safety, that would be different (eg mentally unstable, incapable through drink or drugs).

We don't check whether my teen's friend's parents know where they are. She's 17 now but some of her friends are 15 or 16. (I marvel though at the way some apparently have no means of getting home late at night other than by my husband offering them a lift.)

As for weed, it's so prevalent where we live that I can't walk down a street without smelling it. (Well-to-do part of London) So many teens are now into that, vaping and drinking. So be prepared....

Upsidedownagain · 18/02/2023 15:33

Also, try not to be overly shocked or anti anything. He will just stop telling you what he gets up to.

WhatIsThisss · 18/02/2023 15:35

I lied a lot to my parents growing up because they were super strict about what I could and could not do. I never even wanted to do anything - just meet a girlfriend for shopping on a Saturday afternoon would need me to lie about having a Saturday workshop at school.

Your child is growing up - I would think about whether all the boundaries you set are really necessary at his age.

WhatIsThisss · 18/02/2023 15:36

*never wanted to do anything inappropriate

diddl · 18/02/2023 15:40

MissingMoominMamma · 18/02/2023 15:23

Dad putting another lock on his door is pretty awful. What kind of message is that sending? This is not a safe space for you, son.

He sounds like a pretty respectful kid who got it wrong on this occasion.

Well it's telling him that like Op, they don't want him staying over without permission.

If he wanted to play games, vape & stay up late-why not do that & then go home?

Compromise & show that you can be trusted, rather than do the one thing that you have been asked to, get found out & fuck everyone off?

RichardsGear · 18/02/2023 15:43

Isn't his Dad's meant to be his home as well?

Luredbyapomegranate · 18/02/2023 15:46

I think you are aware you’re being OTT here, which is good.

He did lie, but he’s a teenager, and he’s searching out a bit of independence, because he wants to see a friend you don’t approve of. I understand things were slipping at school, but that seems OK now, so you have to watch yourself trying to restrict who he sees. He is nearly an adult, he has to start making some choices of his own. Similarly, of course you don’t want him vaping, but teens have to experiment. You are also going to have to get used to the fact he may well start a relationship soon.

I think you and his father need to reconsider adding extra locks to his Dad’s house. It’s a very unwelcoming thing to do.

You must have had a very strict upbringing OP, so just keep being aware of that.

diddl · 18/02/2023 15:49

RichardsGear · 18/02/2023 15:43

Isn't his Dad's meant to be his home as well?

Does not staying overnight when his dad works away make it not a home?

RichardsGear · 18/02/2023 15:57

It was the fact you said, "If he wanted to play games, vape & stay up late-why not do that & then go home?" He was home.

He and his mate didn't trash the house, left it clean and tidy, and the only way the father even knew he'd had a friend there was by noticing items in the rubbish. That all seems a bit petty to me. "You had someone here: there were two pizza cartons in the bin and not one. Gotcha!" My thoughts are that imposing strict rules and regulations will make 16 year olds more wily and deceitful and they will find ways to do what they want anyway.

Squip · 18/02/2023 16:02

I've just had a good chat with him - he understands my worries and said he lied as he knew I'd say no after the last time, but that they made sure they were respectful. I'm happy with that. He knows he messed up that time and was trying to prove he can be trusted. I said it would have been better to have asked for second chance and maybe I was too strict in saying a flat out no the first time, but maybe there's learning on both sides. He agrees and that's good enough for me for now. He's gone away to think about my concern over whether his friends' parents know they are there alone, for safety reasons. Thanks for all the posts - I really do hear the concerns about being over strict - it's hard sometimes to get the balance right when that's your only experience to draw on.

OP posts:
diddl · 18/02/2023 16:20

I said it would have been better to have asked for second chance and maybe I was too strict in saying a flat out no the first time,

It's also up to his dad though isn't it?

Tbh Op maybe I'm misreading as you don't seem to be overly strict to me.

He goes out, has friends over, they stay, he goes to them & stays over.

diddl · 18/02/2023 16:22

It was the fact you said, "If he wanted to play games, vape & stay up late-why not do that & then go home?" He was home.

Bad wording on my part.

Thudercatsrule · 18/02/2023 16:28

Jeez, get a grip, its nothing in the grand scheme of life.

Squip · 18/02/2023 16:32

@diddl yes, it's an odd quirk of 50/50 parenting - their dad only works away when they're with me because his brother is younger. So in a way it's on my watch even though the situation is starting to arise at his dad's house. We're both okay with him doing that though - if he and his friends are honest and respectful.

OP posts:
diddl · 18/02/2023 16:39

I mean if his dad always locked the house in such a way so that your son couldn't have access whilst he was away this might never have arisen.

I don't think it's being too strict that your first answer was no tbh, especially with your concerns about his new friendship group.

Madamecastafiore · 18/02/2023 16:44

I'd say count your lucky stars. All teenagers lie, I wish more people would understand that and not be shocked when they find out their precious kids are actually devious little buggers. I'd say just count yourself lucky it was pretty innocuous and no one has been hurt.

Onnabugeisha · 18/02/2023 16:48

Squip · 18/02/2023 16:02

I've just had a good chat with him - he understands my worries and said he lied as he knew I'd say no after the last time, but that they made sure they were respectful. I'm happy with that. He knows he messed up that time and was trying to prove he can be trusted. I said it would have been better to have asked for second chance and maybe I was too strict in saying a flat out no the first time, but maybe there's learning on both sides. He agrees and that's good enough for me for now. He's gone away to think about my concern over whether his friends' parents know they are there alone, for safety reasons. Thanks for all the posts - I really do hear the concerns about being over strict - it's hard sometimes to get the balance right when that's your only experience to draw on.

All has seemed good, except we have now discovered he recently stayed at his father's house with a friend, whilst his father was away, when he'd been expressly told this was not something we'd permit.

Im glad you had the above discussion with him as I do think you’re being not overly strict per se but somewhat infantilising.

Many 16yo move away from home and live on their own, so it’s a good age for him to be home alone overnight now and then to practise such independence.

Many 16yo are in charge of younger children all night while parents are out…they know how to keep not only themselves safe & fed but infants to preteens as well.

I know it was wrong for him to trick you, but he didn’t really have any other option given the box you (the “we” you mention, so all of you) put him in. I’m guessing he is your eldest and you’re still navigating when and how to gradually teach and give him independence. In future, if he is home alone overnight or a few days, it won’t be a secret and will be safer as you will be on call as a safety net.

Anyway, thank you for the updates as I think you are handling this quite well and it was good to think before reacting. Teens are not the easiest age are they!

HateEatingInTheDark · 18/02/2023 16:49

His 16!!

He stayed out at his dads
Had food and played playstation all night
Tidied up and EVEN RECYCLED !
No complaints from neighbours either

Christ, Let the boy live a little

WhatHappenedToYoyos · 18/02/2023 16:49

Definitely give him a consequence for the lying. It sounds like your chat went well and hopefully it won't end up with him lying again.

Could his dad get a doorbell camera/cctv just to confirm in the future it's not a girl he's taking there? That might help alleviate your worries.

Ducksurprise · 18/02/2023 16:51

Grounded for the whole of the summer 🥲 you grounded a 16 year old for a whole summer??

Op, I think you handled this well, especially telling him that you might have got it wrong, it is a whole new ball game parenting late teens.

We don't check whether my teen's friend's parents know where they are.

I agree with this it isn't for me to parent other people's teens

Swipe left for the next trending thread