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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

DS 16 lied and broke trust

100 replies

Squip · 18/02/2023 13:30

Trying to maintain some sense of perspective here and not fly off the handle!

DS is largely well behaved, responsible and mature. However he developed a new friendship group some months ago that his school has raised concerns over. His behaviour at school started to dip (nothing major) and we told him this had to improve or he would be grounded. His behaviour is school has improved and he's been getting his head down with revision (although could do more!).

All has seemed good, except we have now discovered he recently stayed at his father's house with a friend, whilst his father was away, when he'd been expressly told this was not something we'd permit. He lied to me that he was staying at a friends (I dropped him there!). We only discovered when his dad came back and found some food containers in the recycling that weren't there before. No evidence of foul play or that others were involved - neighbours haven't complained about noise and I don't believe it was a party or anything. They obviously tidied up after themselves! The amount in the recycling would verify it was only 2 people's waste. He says they just had sonething to eat and stayed up late playing on the PlayStation. I have a hunch they were vaping (school raised concerns about his friendship group in this respect).

Whilst seemingly no major harm done, I am livid that he lied to do this behand our backs. Interested to know how others would handle this. I am thinking of grounding him but no idea how long for. Not really ever had to discipline him much - usually just talking through consequences and setting out future expectations with threat of luxuries taken away/grounding has been enough. But this has crossed a big line for me. His dad is going to put an extra lock on his door when he's away and DS is with me, so it cannot happen again, but he needs to learn a lesson here about trust.

OP posts:
Nimbostratus100 · 18/02/2023 14:53

my approach would be

a- the lie is upsetting, and he needs to know you are upset

b- the misdeed is minor - you need a chat about why he wanted to do this, how could this need be met in an open honest way, eg if you are worried about vaping and girls, then say so, and maybe come to an arrangement whereby he can have one friend around alone at his fathers house overnight, but you reserve the right to pop in and check who is there, and what they are doing?

He is 16, old enough to be setting up his own home and having his own children - that would be ill advised, obviously, but technically he could be a Dad right now and responsible for is own baby

Nimbostratus100 · 18/02/2023 14:54

Is his father ok with this use of his house?

diddl · 18/02/2023 14:55

Did he ask if he could stay at his dad's whilst his dad was away?

Was he then told no but did it anyway?

If so wasn't anyone suspicious when he then wanted to stay at his friend's at the same time?

What was it he wanted to do that he couldn't do at yours or at his friend's?

Stay up late?
Vape?

I don't think not wanting him to stay overnight is overly harsh tbh.

Presumably he tidied up so as not to be found out & to do it again!

I'd actually be quite pissed off tbh.

EverlastingRose · 18/02/2023 14:56

It's very common for teens to lie as part of establishing their identity separate to yours (essentially, by doing things you don't know about). Of course that doesn't make it ok but it does mean you should be measured in how you react. Explain why it is that he needs to be honest about where he is (lots of good reasons for this such as safety) but don't turn it into a bigger deal than it needs to be or act as if he's lost your trust forever- all that will achieve is harming your relationship.

Have a think about why you're so bothered about him staying there. It sounds as if they were very sensible and responsible. I know you mentioned you wouldn't like him to go there with a girl- is that because you're worried about things like consent and contraception? If so, talk to him about these things.

Dinoboymama · 18/02/2023 14:59

At 16 he could move out. I'd start giving a teen space at that age.
I think had it been allowed which clearly he was responsible enough to have done but tidying up not throwing a party etc he might not have lied at all.

Teens will always tell some lies no teen is 100 percent truthful. Maybe a chat about why lies can make people distrust people but also a chat that he needs more leeway in what he can do.

2bazookas · 18/02/2023 14:59

I'd tell him that because of his elaborate lie and deception there will be no further sleepovers at friends houses.

This may be reviewed if and when you're convinced he's more mature and responsible.

YukoandHiro · 18/02/2023 15:00

Just a thought about it being a girl (or guy if he's interested in guys).... he's going to have sex soon and having in such a safe place seems far more preferable than behind a hedge or in someone else's bathroom at a party tbh. Hopefully you've raised him sensitively and he'll always carry a condom.

ScreamALullabye · 18/02/2023 15:02

He's 16! Talk to him about contraception. Tell him he was wrong for staying at his dads when he'd been told he couldn't (though I'm unsure why?) and leave it at that.

kittybiscuits · 18/02/2023 15:05

Your son sounds fine. You're really overreacting and your use of language is really over the top. Who is the other party when you talk about "we".

Bbq1 · 18/02/2023 15:06

My ds is 17 and really responsible and trustworthy so if he ever wanted to stay at his nans with a friend one night, he would tell us and it would be discussed and probably okayed. It's very telling that your 16 old couldn't ask you or dad about the house as he would likely have been shut down. Punishing him and stopping access to dad's house unsupervised will backfire. He'll just learn to cover hhs tracks better and probably go to more unsavoury places than his other home. He's 16 and trying to gain some independence but you're treating hi lilt a young teen.

Petronus · 18/02/2023 15:06

I think at 16 you probably need to forget about the idea of grounding and punishment - he’s too old and work on developing a mutually respectful relationship - which obviously includes honesty.

Ireallydohope · 18/02/2023 15:08

Presumably he didn't tell anyone as you're overly strict maybe

Oblomov23 · 18/02/2023 15:09

In the grand scheme of things if that is your biggest problem to date, you've got off lightly. Think about why he's lying. Some lying is worse than others.

diddl · 18/02/2023 15:10

It's very telling that your 16 old couldn't ask you or dad about the house as he would likely have been shut down.

What does it tell?

That they didn't want a 16yr old unsupervised overnight unnecessarily?

Tbh I can't see a problem with that.

Kids can't always do everything that they want!

Squip · 18/02/2023 15:11

He's often out staying with friends and they stay over too, usually at his Dad's because he shares with his brother here. It's only recently that it's coincided with him being away. It just felt a bit irresponsible to let a bunch of teens have run of a house - as I say it's not a situation I've got experience of - none of his friends have this opportunity of an empty house. I guess I get worried vaping will lead to smoking dope etc - I have my concerns of this but no evidence. I did trust him once previously to stay there with one friend - I popped round and there were 3 friends so I said it couldn't happen again, now this. Sorry realising that's a bit of a drip feed.

Pp are right, I just need to talk through my concerns with him and talk about honesty. I worry that his friend's parents don't know they're alone - that they think there is an adult there. Particularly if it's a girl. We have talked about contraception etc, but it's the potential for deception I'm uneasy about.

OP posts:
Notsandwiches · 18/02/2023 15:12

"He needs to learn a lesson here about trust". He has. You dont trust him to behave in a mature way. BTW, when you behave in a way someone else doesnt like...would removing your phone, making you stay at home or denying you luxuries be an acceptable method of getting you to change your behaviour or would you view it as coercive control?

KangarooKenny · 18/02/2023 15:14

I assuming that he’s got GCSE’s this summer ? If so, go gently. You need him to get them for his future, if you push too hard he may go towards these friends and do badly. I’ve seen previously good, hardworking, kids throw it all away at this stage.
Yes, you’re disappointed in him, and you’re taking steps to stop it happening again. Keep him busy in the family, days out etc, and just hang on for now.
‘When my DS hit this stage I got him a PT job to keep him busy. With that and football it gave little time for friends.

theresnolimits · 18/02/2023 15:15

Talk to him. Why did he want to stay overnight unsupervised? It's probably just that it felt 'grown up' rather than being at home with parents at 16.

At this age with mine, I asked them what they thought was reasonable (curfew, sleepovers etc) and they were more conservative than me! I couldn't 'ground' a 16 year old - you need to realise they're not children any more. And mine have grown up into responsible, respectable adults and we have a close relationship.

This isn't a hill to die on and you need to gradually release the reins.

bellac11 · 18/02/2023 15:15

Notsandwiches · 18/02/2023 15:12

"He needs to learn a lesson here about trust". He has. You dont trust him to behave in a mature way. BTW, when you behave in a way someone else doesnt like...would removing your phone, making you stay at home or denying you luxuries be an acceptable method of getting you to change your behaviour or would you view it as coercive control?

For goodness sake dont exaggerate!!!

Although I dont necessarily agree with OP, it is not coercive control to instill particular boundaries and expectations with your CHILDREN

and yes sometimes that may involve sanctions, thats what parenting sometimes involves.

EverlastingRose · 18/02/2023 15:17

I worry that his friend's parents don't know they're alone - that they think there is an adult there. Particularly if it's a girl.

This is reasonable, I think. If you're going to agree that it's ok for him to use the house, it's a sensible condition that all parents know they will be home alone.

rookiemere · 18/02/2023 15:18

We have let DS16 be home alone overnight and have some friends over on a few occasions now.

We tell him that if the house is trashed or we hear about parties then next time we'll have relatives staying. That seems to do the trick !

If he's generally a good kid then he's probably breaking the rules because they don't make sense. You need to start giving him a bit of independence.

Undertheoldlindentree · 18/02/2023 15:18

I'm pretty strict but wouldn't go overboard on this. The way to build trust is to acknowledge that sometimes you could both have done things a bit differently - and keep talking!

PinkFrogss · 18/02/2023 15:19

He’ll probably be off to uni in a year or two, you need to loosen up otherwise as soon as he gets a taste of freedom he’ll take things too far.

I agree with others it’s possible he wanted the free house to have a boy or girl back. Talk to him about contraception/protection, and consent

Undertheoldlindentree · 18/02/2023 15:20

I would be talking about the vaping (and risks) a lot more than the unauthorised stopover.

Thesearmsofmine · 18/02/2023 15:20

He’s 16. I don’t understand why a boy who from what you describe is generally well behaved and sensible can’t stay at his dads house with a friend?

My parents left me and a friend at our house for a week at that age while they went on holiday! I was the only one of my friends who didn’t lie to my parents about where I was going/sleeping because they trusted me(I was the youngest sibling so they had plenty of practice before me!).

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