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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

DS 16 lied and broke trust

100 replies

Squip · 18/02/2023 13:30

Trying to maintain some sense of perspective here and not fly off the handle!

DS is largely well behaved, responsible and mature. However he developed a new friendship group some months ago that his school has raised concerns over. His behaviour at school started to dip (nothing major) and we told him this had to improve or he would be grounded. His behaviour is school has improved and he's been getting his head down with revision (although could do more!).

All has seemed good, except we have now discovered he recently stayed at his father's house with a friend, whilst his father was away, when he'd been expressly told this was not something we'd permit. He lied to me that he was staying at a friends (I dropped him there!). We only discovered when his dad came back and found some food containers in the recycling that weren't there before. No evidence of foul play or that others were involved - neighbours haven't complained about noise and I don't believe it was a party or anything. They obviously tidied up after themselves! The amount in the recycling would verify it was only 2 people's waste. He says they just had sonething to eat and stayed up late playing on the PlayStation. I have a hunch they were vaping (school raised concerns about his friendship group in this respect).

Whilst seemingly no major harm done, I am livid that he lied to do this behand our backs. Interested to know how others would handle this. I am thinking of grounding him but no idea how long for. Not really ever had to discipline him much - usually just talking through consequences and setting out future expectations with threat of luxuries taken away/grounding has been enough. But this has crossed a big line for me. His dad is going to put an extra lock on his door when he's away and DS is with me, so it cannot happen again, but he needs to learn a lesson here about trust.

OP posts:
Aphrathestorm · 18/02/2023 17:01

How is this even an issue?

This isn't an actual teen problem.

nye11111 · 18/02/2023 17:09

I'd rather my son stay at his dads house without his dad or you knowing than staying at some random house without anyone knowing with people you don't know or "roughing it" like we used to call it and try and stay outside somewhere hidden smoking and drinking all night.

AgentProvocateur · 18/02/2023 17:37

He’s 16!! Chill.

Squip · 18/02/2023 17:52

I'd love to be in a position where this was a non-issue for me. As a survivor of CSA and overly controlling parents I find the transitions between parenting stages hard because I know it's important to get right. I've asked for help, most people are helping. I'm appreciative and glad I've asked as it's made me reflect and feel more confident in how I deal with it. I've no experience of staying out all night at his age in a house without adults, either for myself or any of my friends growing up. I don't think it's usual for school age kids in exam year to have an empty house to crash at regularly or OTT to check out my concerns with how to manage it. I hope that helps people understand where I'm coming from.

OP posts:
SirChenjins · 18/02/2023 18:02

I know where you’re coming from OP - my childhood was the same, and it’s difficult not to hear that critical voice of your parents in your head when you’re raising your own family.

I think the thing to focus on is that you are doing the right thing in raising him - he and his friends simply played computer games, had something to eat and then left the place clean and tidy. That shows a teenager who has decent (if daft in a 16 year old boy way) friends who are respectful and responsible. They took advantage of a bit of freedom and independence that came their way - and while they certainly did the wrong thing by lying they showed that they can be trusted to be on their own and not have a party or trash the place. You certainly can’t say that about all teenagers.

Squip · 18/02/2023 18:08

Thank you @SirChenjins I have absolutely heaps of other more stressful things going on and I don't want to be lax and let a potential situation get out of hand because its easier for me to turn a blind eye and let him get on with it. I know it's not everyone's experience, but it's a headfuck to some.

OP posts:
diddl · 18/02/2023 18:22

It would be an unknown for a lot of people I think Op!

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 18/02/2023 18:28

I'm glad you've changed your mind because your first post sounded quite strict and severe and I felt quite sorry for him.

He can't break your trust if you don't have any trust in him in the first place.

He's older now, growing into an adult, finding his way. From your description, he sounded like a really decent boy, yet it was presented as though this wasn't just an infraction of the rules but a breaking of trust... as if it was really a much bigger crime.
Talking to him more (without lecturing) is the way forward, letting him know you trust him, is the way forward, keeping open communications so that he can tell you things, knowing that even if your inclination is to say no, that you can be willing to listen to his PoV.
What's reasonable now he's 16? In less than two years he will be 18 and may be leaving home for uni or something - he's got to hit the ground running and have the confidence to trust in his own decisions. He needs to get that experience now whilst he's still at home so that bit by bit he can become independent. He might make mistakes along the way but has to know he can come to you for guidance, not recrimination. It's a learning curve for you too, but it seems like you are willing to reconsider things.

MissMaple82 · 18/02/2023 18:28

Ffs, get a grip!!

GoodChat · 18/02/2023 19:10

MissMaple82 · 18/02/2023 18:28

Ffs, get a grip!!

RTFT

lailamaria · 18/02/2023 19:51

i'm glad you listened to other posters, honestly he's 16 if the ship has sailed the ship has sailed but i also think you'd be horrified at all the smoking and vaping that happens at college when they start getting treated like adults, I genuinely think you were being entirely too strict, maybe the girls parents are fine with it, not everyone has the weird mumsnet opinion about girls and sex

Squip · 18/02/2023 21:09

Thank you @GoodChat!

I get that @lailamaria but I would like to be respectful of parents who might be concerned with that for their daughter, or sons for that matter. Although I accept they are ultimately responsible for knowing where their kids are, an unmanned house so to speak might not be on everyone's radar when kids say they are staying over at their mate's houses.

I guess I will always have to fight the worry over whether I have got it right or not. I'd would hate for DS to take advantage of the situation.

OP posts:
louderthan · 18/02/2023 22:33

At least they recycled...<unhelpful >

Squip · 18/02/2023 23:07

Well yes there is that!

It's just a toss up whether he's (badly) covering his tracks or behaving himself 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
EmilyGilmoresSass · 18/02/2023 23:08

Jesus. My parents would have been glad if this was the extent of my trust breaking at that age.

Aquamarine1029 · 18/02/2023 23:17

I think you've ended up handling this brilliantly, op. It can be so, so hard knowing what's enough and what's too much when dealing with teen issues.

I would definitely talk to him about vaping, alcohol safety and contraception, though.

Courts88 · 18/02/2023 23:48

as a parent of a 16 year old the harder you try and restrain them, the more rebellious and sneaky they become.

Please for your relationship sake keep all communication open and let him be 16.
He's made responsible choices in this.

rookiemere · 19/02/2023 07:46

OP our stance when DS is having friends over and we are away, is that it is his responsibility to make sure they have told their DPs, not ours.

I have been in the situation of being asked by other DPs and I'm always very clear if we're not going to be there, but also what the situation is - he's allowed 3 people max because that's the number of spare bed slots we have without including our room, which is strictly off limits.

Again if we found out more people were staying than allowed or there was a big party- next time the relatives stay. I think they just want a bit of their own space to relax, it doesn't always mean they're up to nefarious things.

Perfect28 · 19/02/2023 07:48

Children lie. Heck, everyone lies. Don't blow it out of proportion

Squip · 19/02/2023 08:14

Thanks for the understanding on this thread.

@rookiemere it's good to have experience from someone in a similar situation- thanks for your post. I think I'm uncomfortable because it's a relatively new friendship group and I don't know them very well. Probably because the hosting happens at his dad's. I don't know the parents at all! Good tip to place the responsibility with DS to ensure his mates' parents know the situation.

I guess the situation is triggering for me because I was quite easily led as a teen, but I have to remember DS thankfully does not have the issues I did.

OP posts:
2crossedout1 · 19/02/2023 08:40

Well OP. You have listened to the voices on this thread and reflected that in your conversation with DS. Parenting teens isn't easy!

Squip · 19/02/2023 08:55

It's not is it! Feeling grateful I've got through the last few years relatively unscathed - the calm before the storm I think!

OP posts:
rookiemere · 19/02/2023 09:14

The really crucial thing is that if something goes wrong, your DS knows he can contact you and you'll help him.

Squip · 19/02/2023 09:21

Exactly, and I have drummed this into him - that we all make mistakes, experiment and mess up, and that I will always be here to help him work out how to put things right when he does.

OP posts:
Northernlass1234 · 19/02/2023 09:41

I can see your point. I’ve always said about lying and trust. That is the main issue here. I think i would give him one last chance and say if he ever does it again - name the consequences and ensure you are prepared to carry them out.

understand him though and explain you were once a teenager and that he has to respect boundaries.

on the face of it what he did is normal teenage stuff but yes he has broken trust and he needs to be honest - even if you don’t want to hear it.

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