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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

My son hates his dad, our family life is hard

109 replies

Whereisthesun33 · 14/02/2023 07:41

There's me and my husband, our son 12, and daughter 9, who all live together.

I feel like every day our lives become less and less enjoyable together because of the non existent relationship between my son and his dad. (My husband)

So my son and I have similar personality, we are short tempered , will argue etc but then it's over with quickly, very loving, bubbly, chatty etc wears emotions on our sleeves.

My husband and daughter are similar personalities, quiet people, keep emotions closed off.

My son has innatentive adhd. He has never been naughty, never been a problem to take out etc, he does well at school and gets lots of praise from them. He just struggles with his focus and sleep. When he was younger he was more bouncy and energetic but that has gone now really. He talks a lot, likes to be centre of attention, and is quick to argue back over something he disagrees with.my husband struggles with all of this.

Over the years ,a gap started to widen between him and my husband. My husband would be quite strict with him , and would /does punish him if there is a need for it by removing the PlayStation or not letting him out with friends. Obviously son hates this and every time it happens causes a bigger gap between them. Son struggles to take accountability for his actions so just sees it as his dad being horrible to him. They also argue alot. As he's getting older he's started to almost square up to his dad during an argument or say things with real venom. He basically tells his dad he doesn't care for him.

He often says to me that he thinks his dad hates him, shows no interest in him, doesn't like his personality, is only negative towards him. Son tells me that he hates his dad, doesn't love him at all, and will leave our home as soon as he is old enough to do so and basically never wants to see his dad again after that.

What makes it worse is that his sister is (at the moment) a very well behaved and loving child. She has never had to be grounded or anything and she is very loving towards her dad ,they cuddle every day and have a very strong bond. My son sees this as them being treated differently.

I won't lie, I do make a lot of excuses for my son. I feel he needs extra support from us due to his adhd and he does so well off praise,love and attention.i have a lovely close relationship with him. i think I over compensate for the lack of this from his dad and I think that I've made things worse.like I'm the good cop and dad is the bad cop now. My son has also told me I should divorce my husband and live separately so he doesn't have to see him. this is based on him not being able to do want he wants all the time and have rules .I've started to feel on edge in my own home as I know we are one moment away from an argument at all times. It happened last night over some roller blades son wants to buy Some this week with his own money, husband wants him to wait a while. All hell broke loose and it ended up with kids upstairs and me and husband arguing. We now aren't speaking to each other. This happens a lot.

I am so sick of this and don't know how to make it better. Husband spends zero alone time with son, doesn't take him out or anything.if they are home alone together they don't speak. Husband has lost the will to even try he says. I don't know what to do . It's even the same if are on holiday or days out together. It's overshadowed by them two not getting along. If I take the kids out myself we always have a lovely time with zero incidents or stress

OP posts:

Original poster

Whereisthesun33 · 14/02/2023 07:47

Son has also asked if he can go and live with his grandparents. And also openly tells my parents that he hates his dad.

OP posts:

Climbles · 14/02/2023 07:53

Your son is a child and your husband is the adult. You have a DH problem.
He needs to make the effort not just give up, soon it will be too late. I would have said you might need to back up your husband more but if he’s refusing to try and resolve the situation you’re just going to end up ruining your relationship with your DS too.

Ticktocktimebomb · 14/02/2023 07:54

that doesn’t sound like a great environment for any of you. Just out of interest, what do you say/do when your husband disciplines your son? It sounds like you both need to agree what is acceptable and work as a team if there is a chance to salvage the relationship.

MoserRothOrangeandAlmond · 14/02/2023 08:00

It sounds as though you and your husband aren't working as a partnership.
You said that husband disciplines your son if it requires and that you make a lot excuses or over compensate for him.
So a good cop/bad cop situation. You need to be united in this.
12 is a hard age anyways and still require consistent boundaries to feel secure.
Your son needs to see that his actions are wrong, you can't go squaring up to people and saying awful things.
You haven't said how your husband reacts but since you haven't mentioned it and mentioned your husband is a quiet man I suspect he doesn't react.

Bellalalala · 14/02/2023 08:01

I think it’s got to the point where you could all do with some help. Everyone seems to have a position that they are determined to stick to.

I think it’s needs to start with the adults though. I am sure your husband would say he feels he needs to our boundries in place because you don’t. You say you don’t because of your husbands actions. It could keep going in a circle forever with each blaming the other.

Original poster

Whereisthesun33 · 14/02/2023 08:01

Like I say ,I feel responsible for a lot of this. I let a lot of things slide with son (little things),otherwise you could be pulling up on something every ten minutes. My husband chooses to make a big deal about every single thing so it could be something every ten minutes. Then through the day it builds and builds between them.
I will ask my husband to please give some leeway in certain circumstances such as on holiday otherwise the day gets ruined. But he can't. We took them to Disney World florid. Obviously cost a lot of money. If my son didn't walk with us in a straight line and chose to walk on the curb edge. Or if in a queue we would stand and son would sit on the metal bar or something, husband would tell him ort about it. But thus could be ten times an hour. These are things I let slide. My husband tries to restrict him a lot. As I said even though son has ashd he's not hyperactive. I spent a large portion of that holiday desperately unhappy and crying to myself

OP posts:

Original poster

Whereisthesun33 · 14/02/2023 08:03

It is a parenting issue and we do need to be on the same page but I can't support the sheer amount he lays into him. He needs to drastically reduce that and won't. Every time it happens it causes a bigger wedge between them

OP posts:

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 14/02/2023 08:04

this is impacting your daughter too. What makes it worse is your dd is a well behaved child? Ffs.

The way you have described your son is not the ‘never been naughty’ child you stated. Not even close. Instead of making excuses for his behaviour, you need to be dealing with it. What support is in place for him and his needs, which are impacting family life?

you dh needs to attend some form of parenting classes to learn strategies for dealing with your son's behaviour.

your son needs to be in some form of therapy dealing with his issues.

your daughter needs lots of praise and attention from you as well as her father, as she is probably not getting as much as she should with your son seemingly ruling the roost.

you probably should also look at getting an adhd diagnosis for yourself.

Quick tempered and argumentative is not pleasant to live with.

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 14/02/2023 08:05

Whereisthesun33 · 14/02/2023 08:03

What option does he have when you've repeatedly said you ignore or make excises for his poor behaviour?

you BOTH need parenting classes.

Goodread1 · 14/02/2023 08:12

You really need to encourage your husband to spend quality time with him, as it's like he has favourites his daughter just cause she has similar personality to his,

Also look up on parenting a teenager books or look up YouTube Talks and Ted Talks on this subject.

CleaningOutMyCloset · 14/02/2023 08:13

Sounds really difficult OP. But as others have said, this is your DH issue to resolve, he's the adult and your DS is just being a child, he's not even a teenager yet, so it's likely things will get worse.

My DD has ADHD and sounds very similar, strict parenting will never work, and your DH needs to understand this, and find a way to make it work, otherwise it will tear the family apart. Also it will affect your DD, as she will be at the bottom of the attention bucket due to all the arguments centred around your DS

Will your DH go to parenting classes, is your DS having additional help with his ADHD?

FuriousFurious · 14/02/2023 08:14

Your dh sounds overly controlling. Your ds is being called out on everything he does. No wonder there's resentment from him now. Is your dh controlling all around?

Your dh may still be able to build a relationship with his ds if he wants to but in a couple of years or so, it will be extremely difficult.
He needs to stop punishing ds as that builds resentment and conflict. Natural
Consequences for anything you both agree is an issue but anything minor can just be a dealt with a conversation.
It sounds like your dh isn't actually interested.

IwasToldThereWouldBeCake · 14/02/2023 08:15

I also think you have a DH problem, endlessly correcting a child for not walking or queuing in the way you want them too is perhaps verging on coercive control.

Seems to be a battle if the wills, perhaps your DH needs help in resetting expectations and providing a harmonious example of how to navigate multi generational communication/expectations.

Sorry this all sounds sh1t, I think both parents need to reassess what is important and what communication styles produce the best outcome.

Your DD will turn into daddy a emotional crutch, which is uncomfortable too.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 14/02/2023 08:16

You say you let a lot go - how much do you let go?

Are you in the situation now where you let way too much go and got husband goes too far trying to balance things?

What so you do and say when your son says that he hates his dad and that he thinks his dad hates him?

Triffid1 · 14/02/2023 08:16

I'm sorry, your dh has a meltdown because your son isn't walking in a perfectly straight line at Disney land?!?! Bloody hell.

You do.have a dh problem. You might well be letting too many things slide but that level of pettiness and control is awful. And I suspect your dd is only "well behaved" because instead.of.resisting his control, she is accommodating it. Do you ever see her genuinely laughing and being spontaneous? I would personally take another long hard look at your dd and perhaps see about some serious conversations with her.

I would tell your h that if he's not willing to look a his behaviour as the parent and adult and, if necessary, seek help, that yes, you will have to.leave him to protect both of your dc.

3487642l · 14/02/2023 08:18

If my son didn't walk with us in a straight line and chose to walk on the curb edge. Or if in a queue we would stand and son would sit on the metal bar or something, husband would tell him ort about it. But thus could be ten times an hour.

It sounds like the dad is effectively bullying his son; this is highly controlling behaviour. No wonder the son feels like his dad doesn't love him and wants to never see him again. Your husband really needs to sort himself out. If this is an example of the dads usual behaviour then he ought to move out of the family home until he has addressed the issue of bullying his son. Your son deserves a safe home and it should not be on the child to leave.

ACynicalDad · 14/02/2023 08:19

You need to take some responsibility for disciplining your son, good cop bad cop isn’t appropriate. Then try to make space for your husband to be good cop for a while, but it may be too far gone. DH needs to make the effort, it’s his son.

TheFireflies · 14/02/2023 08:20

It sounds like your husband is an authoritarian parent and you’re a passive one. You are just as much at fault for this situation as your husband. Perhaps he’s over-compensating for your ineffectiveness to put boundaries in place for your son. Why do you delegate all of this to your husband, especially when you know it’s causing a serious problem in your family relationships?

You need to attend a parenting course together.

TenTenEleven · 14/02/2023 08:22

Your DH sounds like a controlling knob and your DS's reactions sound appropriate in the context.

Children living in coercively controlling households, where there is psychological or emotional abuse are often misdiagnosed with ADHD, because their nervous systems are in high alert all the time and they're always full of adrenaline.

He's also made your DD the 'golden child', which is an awful dynamic and just as harmful for the favoured child as the scapegoated child. The golden child must work hard to stay perfect and lives in constant fear of falling off the pedestal. As well as the guilt of seeing their sibling mistreated while they escape punishment.

The whole dynamic is poisonous. As everyone else has said: you have a DH problem and you should probably take your son's advice.

Tiswa · 14/02/2023 08:22

i think you need to stop blaming yourself and letting things slide and understand your husband is picking on to much.

yiur husband sounds awful and he needs to wake up to what your son is saying. And I agree how much your Dd is keeping in line

Seasidemumma77 · 14/02/2023 08:23

TheFireflies · 14/02/2023 08:20

You need to attend a parenting course together.

This

Original poster

Whereisthesun33 · 14/02/2023 08:23

I always discipline my son where I deem appropriate. This is about tiny little things he does multiple times a day like burp, or laugh too loud ,or jump up a wall, or sing a funny rude song, or aka for something and when he can't have it immediate strops for 5 mins. I let these slide. He does not .

Child has already had therapies and access to a counsellorAlso has a key worker at school. Weve also done classes. Always told to ignore the small and praise the good . Thats what works best and thats what i do. Husband does not.
I have a very close relationship with my daughter also.

OP posts:

JennyDarlingRIP · 14/02/2023 08:24

The thing is if you're letting a lot slide, by default your DH is left to pick things up, your son takes any challenge or punishment as a sign his father hates him. You both as adults need parenting support/classes/counselling, his way isn't completely right but neither is yours and the two together are making this situation worse. You're poor daughter is also learning that compliance is needed for an easier life which will impact her adult relationships.
Honestly if my 4 year old was balancing on curve and sitting on fences at a theme park (which there are usually signs telling you but you do), I'd tell him not to. Simple boundaries are important.

Greenfairydust · 14/02/2023 08:24

You DH is the adult in this and does not have the extra difficulty of having a condition that affects his behaviour.

I think it is lazy and unacceptable for him to make little effort to improve his relationship with his son.

JennyDarlingRIP · 14/02/2023 08:27

burp, or laugh too loud ,or jump up a wall, or sing a funny rude song, or aka for something and when he can't have it immediate strops for 5 mins

He shouldn't be constantly behaving like this, how is this going to translate to school, the workplace? He has a diagnosis of ADHD so he finds impulse control difficult, you have to support him in developing techniques to do so or the road ahead will be difficult for him. I work in the criminal justice sector, and used to work directly with those who had been sentenced at court, much higher proportion with ADHD diagnoses or suspected than in the general population, without the skills to manage themselves in day to day life within usual rules and boundaries.

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