My son hates his dad, our family life is hard

[Whereisthesun33]

There's me and my husband, our son 12, and daughter 9, who all live together.

I feel like every day our lives become less and less enjoyable together because of the non existent relationship between my son and his dad. (My husband)

So my son and I have similar personality, we are short tempered , will argue etc but then it's over with quickly, very loving, bubbly, chatty etc wears emotions on our sleeves.

My husband and daughter are similar personalities, quiet people, keep emotions closed off.

My son has innatentive adhd. He has never been naughty, never been a problem to take out etc, he does well at school and gets lots of praise from them. He just struggles with his focus and sleep. When he was younger he was more bouncy and energetic but that has gone now really. He talks a lot, likes to be centre of attention, and is quick to argue back over something he disagrees with.my husband struggles with all of this.

Over the years ,a gap started to widen between him and my husband. My husband would be quite strict with him , and would /does punish him if there is a need for it by removing the PlayStation or not letting him out with friends. Obviously son hates this and every time it happens causes a bigger gap between them. Son struggles to take accountability for his actions so just sees it as his dad being horrible to him. They also argue alot. As he's getting older he's started to almost square up to his dad during an argument or say things with real venom. He basically tells his dad he doesn't care for him.

He often says to me that he thinks his dad hates him, shows no interest in him, doesn't like his personality, is only negative towards him. Son tells me that he hates his dad, doesn't love him at all, and will leave our home as soon as he is old enough to do so and basically never wants to see his dad again after that.

What makes it worse is that his sister is (at the moment) a very well behaved and loving child. She has never had to be grounded or anything and she is very loving towards her dad ,they cuddle every day and have a very strong bond. My son sees this as them being treated differently.

I won't lie, I do make a lot of excuses for my son. I feel he needs extra support from us due to his adhd and he does so well off praise,love and attention.i have a lovely close relationship with him. i think I over compensate for the lack of this from his dad and I think that I've made things worse.like I'm the good cop and dad is the bad cop now. My son has also told me I should divorce my husband and live separately so he doesn't have to see him. this is based on him not being able to do want he wants all the time and have rules .I've started to feel on edge in my own home as I know we are one moment away from an argument at all times. It happened last night over some roller blades son wants to buy Some this week with his own money, husband wants him to wait a while. All hell broke loose and it ended up with kids upstairs and me and husband arguing. We now aren't speaking to each other. This happens a lot.

I am so sick of this and don't know how to make it better. Husband spends zero alone time with son, doesn't take him out or anything.if they are home alone together they don't speak. Husband has lost the will to even try he says. I don't know what to do . It's even the same if are on holiday or days out together. It's overshadowed by them two not getting along. If I take the kids out myself we always have a lovely time with zero incidents or stress

This really resonated with me. I had a very controlling parent. My brother was always in trouble, as he did not do things exactly as told. I was seen as the favoured one as I was constantly vigilant, always mindful of behaving just as I needed to not to rock the boat. I was a bag of nerves. I ended up suicidal by my teenage years. I had issues with anxiety and depression for years. I still am affected sometimes. I also hugged and must have looked very close. Actually, this is fawning and it is a terrible thing for a girl to learn, leaving them so open to finding abusive partners. Check your daughter is ok.

It is also shit for your son, who is a strong enough wee personality to flag that he cannot exist in this critical space. Do not let your husband crush him.

I have just read examples of why is tells son off. Your husband is a nasty bully. Don't let him spoil your children's childhood.

I'd leave DH rather than let him bully my children.

Couldn't agree more.

Absolutely agree with this, and the examples so far are very subjective, there's a HUGE difference between 'not walking in straight line' is it that DH wants military submission and not a foot wrong=he's absolutely out of order, or is DS catapulting about the place causing other people to have to jump or move out of his way. Is DS just sitting or resting on the metal bar in the queue=DH wrong and over zealous again, or is DS climbing and spinning on the bars and being in people's way?
And also agree with poster above who said its very hard to live with people who are quick tempered like you've said you and DS are, who then when they decide everything is OK again expect everyone else to be absolutely fine too.

There is nothing to suggest that OP is not disciplining at all.

There is also the danger that a parent that can't accept a diagnosis will over discipline.

Have you ever told your child off for leaning in a queue?

Absolutely agree with this, and the examples so far are very subjective, there's a HUGE difference between 'not walking in straight line' is it that DH wants military submission and not a foot wrong=he's absolutely out of order, or is DS catapulting about the place causing other people to have to jump or move out of his way.

OP has already said he was simply walking along the curb (so in a straight line)

Have you heard of parenting styles?

What’s happening here is that your dh is high on rules and discipline and low on warmth and connection (authoritarian)

And you are high on warmth and connection, but lagging on discipline and boundaries (permissive)

Ideally you both need to shift a bit - he needs to work on connection (not talking to the kid is pretty shit), and you need to work on holding the discipline.

Would you be able to attend a course together with on parenting styles, or on adhd so you could work on finding common ground in your approach.

Ignore the people demonising your DH. He doesn’t sound the slightest bit abusive, he sounds exhausted and unhappy, like all of you. family therapy could help fix this. You and DH need to start counselling to get on the same page then deal with both children.

Do not follow any advice telling you to entrench further in your role. I promise you that leaving your DH will not make you or your DS happy.

on the plus side, I feel like a good therapist could resolve this all because the lines are so clearly drawn. You know you’ve both made mistakes. Please get counselling and don’t give up on your marriage and family!

My advice is family therapy if you can. Husband needs to loosen the rules slightly, you need to tighten them, broadly speaking. Maybe you could all do that by him accepting that he needs to reassure his son of his love and you could demonstrate this by showing that even those who put rules in place, do so because they care for their child.
Your daughter would benefit because at the moment( I speak from experience) she will be in a super anxious state from living in your family. She probably won't even consciously acknowledge this, and if you ask she'll say no, but it's inevitable.

Your son sounds annoying and I feel very sorry for your daughter. You and your husband need to work as a partnership and parent your son properly. You have allowed this to happen by making excuses for him. Your daughter will be picking up on all of this and will feel like she can't express herself because she's the "good" child. If she started behaving like your son - would you tolerate it because she's NT?

This only works if dh wants to change too.

OP,
I could have written this post myself especially the nit picking when the boy leans on rails or sits on the wall!
You are not alone though I appreciate it seems unbearable at times.
If you think DH is a good person but struggles with parenting teens then I agree that parenting course or family therapy is ideal if you can afford it private.
After a lot of difficulty, we are starting that in our family and I am hoping it works.
My DH is lovely and a wonderful man..just has no clue how to parent teens and too proud to admit or ask for help

Walking in a straight line can actually be fairly unhelpful in Disney as peopke really do walk and move all over the place - walking along the curb and leaning on metal bars is normal. It’s chaos and clearly didn’t suit the OPs husband

I have a 12yo DD with autism and we also had an issue with a lot of negative interactions between her and DH last year which was affecting their relationship. I asked him to go a week with no negative comments at all to her and I would handle any discipline. It worked so well we continued it for a month and it was like a big reset. He's able to let more things go now and she overreacts to him less and is enjoying doing things with him again. We didn't get her diagnosis that long ago and we're both still learning but increasing the positive interactions and decreasing the negative ones has made a big difference.

Have you asked him to prioritise his relationship with his son, instead of being right/being in charge?

Has he thought that DSs behaviour will be better if he cares about his parents and wants to please them?

I think I'd give an ultimatum that you need to change or you'll be separating.
And look into how to make it happen.

I know a family with almost the same dynamic. The son used to manipulate the mother by saying he hated his father and either the father left or he would. It got so bad with the mother constantly sticking up for the son and undermining the father, that the father would leave to keep the peace before returning a couple of weeks later. Rinse and repeat. It was a really tough situation. In addition the younger child, once very loving and hard working, began to suffer, becoming withdrawn and bitter at all the attention his brother was getting and the power he had to upset all their lives.
At 16, the father got the son an apprenticeship. The son worked with older guys who wouldn't put up with his crap and he had to change his attitude. He still lives at home and with his mum and dad and they get on. It's not perfect - he is a teenager after all - but nothing like it was. So there is hope.
The mother thought that everything could be cured by just loving, forgiving and ignoring. It couldn't.
The father thought he could get him to rein in his attitude by being strict. He couldn't.
The mother and father needed to provide a united front - children exploit any crack. They needed to support each other in public, even if they disagreed. They then needed to have that discussion in private.

I think I'd give an ultimatum that you need to change or you'll be separating.
And look into how to make it happen.

How is that fair on the daughter? That she loses the right to live with both a father and mother she loves because her brother won't toe the line. Why is the son's wants given priority over the daughter's?

And what would happen if the daughter said she didn't want to stay with mum and the ds?
Am assuming the ds and op are expecting that the DH would be the one to move out of the family home? Would this still happen if the daughter didn't want to leave the dad?

The DD can go 50,50 and live where her parents aren't arguing.
The DS can stay with his mum, assuming DH doesn't make an effort to work on their relationship.

And as for who lives where- none of us no what would work. But the current situation doesn't. None of them should be living in a battleground.

Did you miss the part where the dad is in denial about his son's diagnosis, refuses to accept and doesn't listen to advice given by professionals?

The situations are entirely different.

It sounds like your DH has OCD the way he picks at little things that most people wouldn’t notice so is polar opposite to DS.

But equally, you should be at least backing your DH up when significant discipline is necessary - like removing the playstation. Maybe from now on your DH could have a code word he says to you that means you need to seriously discipline now or I will be stricter than you.

Your son needs to know serious boundaries exist and you need to enforce them yourself - but equally your DH needs to chill the f out.

Can you start putting Ashwagandha in DHs tea lol

I think family therapy and parenting classes also. I can't tell from what you're saying whether he's overly strict or you're overly passive - either way, no one is happy here.

I think your husband needs to understand that if this isn't sorted now, this is the sort of rift that will never heal. Does he want to get to the end of his life having had no relationship with his son since he was a child?

As a plan of action, this is what I would do:

1. research family therapy and parenting classes.
2. have a sit down with your husband, when the kids aren't there and you're both calm, so not after a row with your son.
3. express to him how unhappy it's making both you and him, not to mention your son, with what's going on, and you want to fix it. To this end, you've researched the above and want to attend them together over the next few weeks. If he pushes back (which he probably will) you need to be hard; if he doesn't, you're not willing to stand by and watch while he ruins the relationship, so you will engage with help, and he needs to take responsibility for not wanting to do the bare minimum. Only you can say what you do next, but I'd rather live with my son and have my husband move out.
4. let's say the above goes well and he agrees. The next step will be to have a family meeting and say that things have become untenable and this is what will be happening going forward. You both as parents and adults recognise you need help fixing this situation, so you all need to pull together. Because you're a family. If your son - or your daughter - gets belligerent about it, I would just calmly say that this is a family problem that needs fixing from the inside, you can't do it on your own and it's not fair to expect you to.

Or, pick and try someone else's advice. But they both sound pig-headed so I think outside intervention would work best. Good luck.

Did you miss the part where the dad is in denial about his son's diagnosis, refuses to accept and doesn't listen to advice given by professionals?

The situations are entirely different.

That's not what the op said. She said...

Husband does not like the fact he has adhd, I know that for sure as there has been a lot of denial. He has given him any allowances for the way he acts and that's always made me feel guilty which is why I stick up for him a lot.

There has been denial but she's not saying he's maintaining there's no adhd. I should imagine it's a common reaction to such a diagnosis because no one wants their children burdened with adhd.

The guy has gone to parenting classes and spoken to professionals. You're making him sound like he's done nothing to try to deal with the situation. The op is speaking as if how she is dealing with the matter is exactly how they were advised. If the father were on here, he might have a different takeaway from the advice given.

I still think the situations are similar because the parents aren't working as a unit to tackle their son's behaviour. They're working against each other which allows the son to be in control.

However, on rereading the op's posts, it sounds like she's OK with splitting from her husband, so maybe their relationship is over.

I've stayed with husband through this because I don't want son to have to go and be with his dad on his own.

So maybe the son has got what he wants after all. I feel sorry for the daughter who will be having to put up with all this. In the family I wrote about, they are all living together, but the relationship between the two sons has not been repaired because of what the younger one felt he was put through.

So my son and I have similar personality, we are short tempered , will argue etc but then it's over with quickly,

Constant arguments are really unpleasant to live with, and your DD is the one losing out here. Someone needs to get a grip on this situation for her sake.