My son hates his dad, our family life is hard

[Whereisthesun33]

There's me and my husband, our son 12, and daughter 9, who all live together.

I feel like every day our lives become less and less enjoyable together because of the non existent relationship between my son and his dad. (My husband)

So my son and I have similar personality, we are short tempered , will argue etc but then it's over with quickly, very loving, bubbly, chatty etc wears emotions on our sleeves.

My husband and daughter are similar personalities, quiet people, keep emotions closed off.

My son has innatentive adhd. He has never been naughty, never been a problem to take out etc, he does well at school and gets lots of praise from them. He just struggles with his focus and sleep. When he was younger he was more bouncy and energetic but that has gone now really. He talks a lot, likes to be centre of attention, and is quick to argue back over something he disagrees with.my husband struggles with all of this.

Over the years ,a gap started to widen between him and my husband. My husband would be quite strict with him , and would /does punish him if there is a need for it by removing the PlayStation or not letting him out with friends. Obviously son hates this and every time it happens causes a bigger gap between them. Son struggles to take accountability for his actions so just sees it as his dad being horrible to him. They also argue alot. As he's getting older he's started to almost square up to his dad during an argument or say things with real venom. He basically tells his dad he doesn't care for him.

He often says to me that he thinks his dad hates him, shows no interest in him, doesn't like his personality, is only negative towards him. Son tells me that he hates his dad, doesn't love him at all, and will leave our home as soon as he is old enough to do so and basically never wants to see his dad again after that.

What makes it worse is that his sister is (at the moment) a very well behaved and loving child. She has never had to be grounded or anything and she is very loving towards her dad ,they cuddle every day and have a very strong bond. My son sees this as them being treated differently.

I won't lie, I do make a lot of excuses for my son. I feel he needs extra support from us due to his adhd and he does so well off praise,love and attention.i have a lovely close relationship with him. i think I over compensate for the lack of this from his dad and I think that I've made things worse.like I'm the good cop and dad is the bad cop now. My son has also told me I should divorce my husband and live separately so he doesn't have to see him. this is based on him not being able to do want he wants all the time and have rules .I've started to feel on edge in my own home as I know we are one moment away from an argument at all times. It happened last night over some roller blades son wants to buy Some this week with his own money, husband wants him to wait a while. All hell broke loose and it ended up with kids upstairs and me and husband arguing. We now aren't speaking to each other. This happens a lot.

I am so sick of this and don't know how to make it better. Husband spends zero alone time with son, doesn't take him out or anything.if they are home alone together they don't speak. Husband has lost the will to even try he says. I don't know what to do . It's even the same if are on holiday or days out together. It's overshadowed by them two not getting along. If I take the kids out myself we always have a lovely time with zero incidents or stress

I don't habe a lot of things to say as I am no expert but Maybe have a chat with your husband and tell him to note to your son whatever he's doing well even if it's little. I can see you worked hard on that school report and got a good grade, well done, I am proud of you.

Thank you for taking the initiative to empty the dishwasher etc

This sounds quite scripted but just to see the things he's doing well and pointing them out rather than literally point to everything that is going wrong.

My husband would be quite strict with him , and would /does punish him if there is a need for it by removing the PlayStation or not letting him out with friends. Obviously son hates this and every time it happens causes a bigger gap between them. Son struggles to take accountability for his actions so just sees it as his dad being horrible to him.
Do you ever make your son take accountability for his actions or do you form a you and son vs dad situation.
Can see where he is coming from the walking along the kerb in Florida, was this dangerous? Did he remember the traffic would be coming from a different direction?
How long do you think it would go if he got his wish and you made DH leave the family home, could you ever take on the parental role of telling him off without DH being the bad cop and managing his behaviour or would you continue to let him do what he wants?

This is definitely a DH problem. Is he controlling with everyone or just your DS?

Would be so some kind of parenting classes / learn more about adhd / therapy?

A lot of people saying your DS does need to be “punished” for the completely benign things you describe. Absurd. Fast way to make a child hate themselves.

Does having ADHD make it impossible to temper your behaviour? Genuine question I have no idea.

And I have been to Disney recently and people leant on metal bars and didn’t walk in straight lines etc

I didn't mean curb on the roadside, I meant curb of the path within Disney.

I do accept blame , we are all in wrong in some way. What I am asking is how to we continue from here? I am recognising there is issues and I want things to be better and I am willing to do anything. The problem is that this has developed over many years. So it's like a way of life now. Son does something, husband dives straight in ,son argues back. Everyone then in a mood with each other. This on repeat all day. Some times I will back husband up if it'd something I think worthy of punishing. Other times i will push back at husband and ask him to be more lenient then we argue instead like now so we aren't speaking over roller blades

Other times i will push back at husband and ask him to be more lenient then we argue instead
is this is front of your son or quietly in private later?

I have two sons with ADHD. Victorian style parenting is a no. Your son's age may make the symptoms worse than previously as puberty plays a part. Pick your battles is the best advice for your DH. Where his son stands in a queue is not an issue to even consider correcting. DH does have to make adjustments for your son's ADHD, DH needs a better understanding of the condition, there are lots of courses available online that can help you both. My eldest is now 21 and still a live wire but now has a really good relationship with us both after some seriously rocky times in his teens. ADHD is tough and if he loves his son and wants to know and be part of the world in which he will develop into a young man it starts now. It starts with learning to parent the child you have not the one you expected to have. Basically we have to do better as parents , learn more and try different ways of connecting. It is really hard and a long road but so worth it. There are lots of support groups providing info etc. I would start there 🙂 good luck!

What does your husband say when you talk to him about it? Did they ever have a good relationship? Does he agree with the diagnosis and is he supportive?

This can only be fixed by your husband putting the work in and changing his attitude. He needs to learn to let some things go, he needs to take an interest in the things DS likes, he needs to spend time with him and rebuild the relationship, he needs to show your son love.If he's not willing to do that, then the relationship is fucked ,it will never recover and your son will probably move away,and stay away at the first opportunity.

If your husband treated you the way he treats your son would you love him,respect him? Would you stay?

Your DH will destroy his relationship with his son and will destroy your sons confidence if he doesn’t stop this. He’s being a bully. You have 2 options here , your DH changes his parenting approach and you support him in this by taking a joint approach, or the family unit does not survive.

Would your DH maybe read a parenting book or go to parenting class ? I think you need to go with him to present a joint approach but I don’t think you are doing all that wrong in trying to comfort your son in a difficult situation

You say you'd do anything to fix this but this is mainly up to your dh to fix. What is he willing to do?

Could you try for a quality half hour each day? Maybe a game after dinner, or half an hour on Wii sports together or a walk round the block?

Ask your husband just to let the reins slacken for 30 minutes a day as an experiment. Tell him you’re worried for the future of your family unit.

And in return, you commit to supporting him in setting some boundaries at other times- not everything but one or two things that really annoy him.

I would go for a small daily win at this point.

Your husband is emotionally abusing your son and constantly victimising him and you're allowing it to happen.

If you don't do something about this you'll end up losing your son.If your don tells a teacher what he tells you the school will flag this to social services.

Of course there will always be different opinions but even the answers on this thread are all conflicting. Some say dh to harsh, some say he's exactly right. It's so so difficult.

Husband does not like the fact he has adhd, I know that for sure as there has been a lot of denial. He has given him any allowances for the way he acts and that's always made me feel guilty which is why I stick up for him a lot.

Have you actually considered separating and parenting separately?

It's impossible to say from what you describe whether your dh is controlling and bullying (I can see it being interpreted that way) or if your son needs clearer boundaries and you are too busy being good cop.

So how bad do you feel things are? Would you separate in order to bring calm to the household?

So hold on in Disney he insisted on say walking on the pavement of Main Street rather than the road bot even though everyone walks in the road.

and he has been told to let things slide but still doesn’t and is still punitivr

i think @Whereisthesun33 saying you let things slide automatically makes some posters side with you DH. Because it implies poor behaviour. Take that out he is not only stopping normal behaviour he is stopping him making choices - it’s his money why can’t he buy the roller skates

how much does he do this with you control your behaviour

And there's the problem. He thinks he can discipline the ADHD out of him. It also seems that he over corrects perfectly normal behaviours (like sitting in a queue).
Until he gets on board and changes HIS attitude and behaviour,nothing will improve, your son will never be good enough.

Is your DH your DS’s dad? I’m not sure from your post. Either way, I think family therapy is the way forward.

What a nasty comment. 🙄

If someone is neurodivergent it depends on their level of understanding whether they are able to modify their behaviours or not. Not all can. (My son has autism and other issues and cannot, he is in complex needs school). Certainly at home a child should feel supported, loved and accepted. Not picked on every few minutes for traits which are part of their diagnosis.

Perhaps a lot of those you’ve seen in the criminal justice system were there because actually their parents were dicks towards them like the ops? Rather than their actual issues.

I am so sorry you are going through this Whereisthesun. I completely understand what you are going through, my DH was very much the same with our Ds. He was an authoritarian parent, just like his parents were with him. I had a much more laid back style of parenting that didn't mean I didn't discipline my children it just meant some things had to slide for my own sanity. Also if you just nag/shout about the tiny things when the big shit hits the fan your voice will have no impact. They become immune to it. Whereas my kids know they have pushed me too far. My DH was a good man, but he has been a shit parent to my Ds 1 but D's was hard work and also had issues. They clashed massively, plus you have the alpha status and hormones. I don't think they will ever have a good relationship because they are very different. Ds is 18 now and I hope, I really hope he realises his dad may have been strict but he did alot of things for him and did love him. They were just different. Another thing I will add is when my D's was in trouble a few times and needed help like I don't know when he thought his gf was pregnant (false alarm) I was the one having a breakdown and DH was the one who was calm and amazing. It's totally weird. I'm not sure what the answer is, I was often peace maker and in the middle. However if Ds squared up to DH or said some horrible stuff I would stand in and tell him to be respectful. I would also try and talk to DH and suggest other ways it could have been dealt with or let me deal with it. Sometimes I'm not sure if I'm I should I stayed, but D's was a brat of a teen. He is only just coming out now. And DH is a good man. It's hard.

I meant the dh, not the op.

As you said, when your DH disciplines your son, he thinks it is because he hates him which leads to resentments etc. I would suggest you and your DH agree to back each other up 100% on discipline. If you think your DH has gone too far have a quiet word with him at another time. You need to sit down with your DS and DH and explain that your DH will tell your DS off if he does something wrong but if he does so it is not because he hates him, it's because he cares about his behaviour. DH needs to tell your DS that he loves him very much and only wants the best for him.

Your dh needs to do a parenting course or seek counselling for why he finds it difficult to accept your ds diagnosis. What's his own dad like? What kind of relationship did they have? It is common enough for some disagreement to arise between father and son entering teen years as ds seeks more independence but this is quite extreme.

Parenting needs to change for teens and sounds like your dh is not reflecting on his parenting in any way. As said he is the adult and it is his responsibility to find ways that work. Not to worry you more but 15/16 year old lads are often at their worst so would hate to see your dh in that situation. He needs to take himself in hand now.
On another note ds may see an extreme reaction in you when he says he hates his dad etc so it can become a type of manipulation on his part as he knows it gets him attention.

But this is on dh. He must now step up big time. It doesn't sound like he is questioning himself at all.

@Xrays if you read everything I've written on this thread, you'll see I don't agree with picking him up every five minutes, but letting everything go isn't going to support him in learning the coping strategies he needs for adult life either. My actual suggestion was parenting support and counselling around this issue for both parents. Which seems to be a more moderate response than calling someone a dick.