My son hates his dad, our family life is hard

[Whereisthesun33]

There's me and my husband, our son 12, and daughter 9, who all live together.

I feel like every day our lives become less and less enjoyable together because of the non existent relationship between my son and his dad. (My husband)

So my son and I have similar personality, we are short tempered , will argue etc but then it's over with quickly, very loving, bubbly, chatty etc wears emotions on our sleeves.

My husband and daughter are similar personalities, quiet people, keep emotions closed off.

My son has innatentive adhd. He has never been naughty, never been a problem to take out etc, he does well at school and gets lots of praise from them. He just struggles with his focus and sleep. When he was younger he was more bouncy and energetic but that has gone now really. He talks a lot, likes to be centre of attention, and is quick to argue back over something he disagrees with.my husband struggles with all of this.

Over the years ,a gap started to widen between him and my husband. My husband would be quite strict with him , and would /does punish him if there is a need for it by removing the PlayStation or not letting him out with friends. Obviously son hates this and every time it happens causes a bigger gap between them. Son struggles to take accountability for his actions so just sees it as his dad being horrible to him. They also argue alot. As he's getting older he's started to almost square up to his dad during an argument or say things with real venom. He basically tells his dad he doesn't care for him.

He often says to me that he thinks his dad hates him, shows no interest in him, doesn't like his personality, is only negative towards him. Son tells me that he hates his dad, doesn't love him at all, and will leave our home as soon as he is old enough to do so and basically never wants to see his dad again after that.

What makes it worse is that his sister is (at the moment) a very well behaved and loving child. She has never had to be grounded or anything and she is very loving towards her dad ,they cuddle every day and have a very strong bond. My son sees this as them being treated differently.

I won't lie, I do make a lot of excuses for my son. I feel he needs extra support from us due to his adhd and he does so well off praise,love and attention.i have a lovely close relationship with him. i think I over compensate for the lack of this from his dad and I think that I've made things worse.like I'm the good cop and dad is the bad cop now. My son has also told me I should divorce my husband and live separately so he doesn't have to see him. this is based on him not being able to do want he wants all the time and have rules .I've started to feel on edge in my own home as I know we are one moment away from an argument at all times. It happened last night over some roller blades son wants to buy Some this week with his own money, husband wants him to wait a while. All hell broke loose and it ended up with kids upstairs and me and husband arguing. We now aren't speaking to each other. This happens a lot.

I am so sick of this and don't know how to make it better. Husband spends zero alone time with son, doesn't take him out or anything.if they are home alone together they don't speak. Husband has lost the will to even try he says. I don't know what to do . It's even the same if are on holiday or days out together. It's overshadowed by them two not getting along. If I take the kids out myself we always have a lovely time with zero incidents or stress

Totally agree!

I think it's clear that you need to meet somewhere in the middle. I don't thinks it's fair that your husband comes down hard on every little thing but your description of your son as being quick tempered and argumentative is not ideal as well. In particular as he faces secondary school where they won't take his temperament into consideration in the same way that you do
Family therapy seems like a great idea..

When there is an issue with a parent/child relationship really the onus should be on the parent to alter their behaviour in order to move things forward. It sounds like all your DH does is punish your son, without attempting to relate to him or connect with him in anyway. It’s really very very sad.

I honestly don’t think things will change unless your DH puts in effort and is willing to change, try new ways of interacting with his son.

personally I’d have to let my husband know that his poor parenting was a big issue and that it would impact on our relationship if he couldn’t put some effort into sorting it. It must be hard to watch your DH and DD cuddle up while your DH is so negative toward your son.

my children are younger, but my DH started having a very negative relationship with our son. Similarly to your experience he was fine with our DD, possibly sue to their different personalities. Luckily he has put in effort, makes time to do 121 stuff and seems to now have an awareness that simply “punishing” constantly without any other form of connection, discipline or interaction is not only ineffective but it actually harmful to their relationship.

Yes
And your theories about personalities are building up quite an entrenched perspective, even to the extent that your daughter's good behaviour is 'a problem'.

I think your husband's difficulties with your son are being magnified through your behaviour towards them both. Not accusing you of deliberately setting things up, but your beliefs and subtle attitude is giving your son a big 'go ahead' to wind up his dad, knowing that you're on his side.

Your husband is getting stressed because you're not united as parents and he's feeling your negativity every time he tries to assert himself with his son.

You're at risk of creating a bit of a monster if you don't pull yourself up on this and communicate better with your husband. I've seen some otherwise lovely lads behave like little shits when there is this kind of dynamic at home.

You can work this out together, or with an accredited family therapist.

Gosh, I have just read this thread with tears in my eyes. Your poor, poor DS.

I have DS (14) who has ADHD and there is no denying that it is tough.

The issue here is that your DH doesn’t accept your sons ADHD. He needs to educate himself on it as a matter of urgency as the way he is treating your son is doing irreparable damage to his self esteem and mental health. It seems like your DH is still stuck in the mindset that the things your son does are a conscious choice to behave poorly rather than a symptom of his ADHD that he simply cannot control. There is a reason that he behaves in the way that he does. There is a breakdown of the receptors in his brain that means your DS’s brain is not getting enough dopamine. Dopamine is responsible for our emotions, our reward centre and our executive functioning. Skills that NT people take for granted are very difficult for ND people. Of course being ND is not an excuse for bad behaviour and there still needs to be boundaries put in place and you both need to be on the same page and consistent with this. But allowances need to be made and your DH is absolutely not doing this.

The impact of all this on your son, and the family unit as a whole, is deeply damaging.

You don’t mention if your son is on medication for his ADHD. Obviously this decision is deeply personal to the individual and the family but it was a complete game changer for us.

I really think you need to sit down with your DH and have a calm and frank discussion with him about your DS’s ADHD and why he can’t seem to accept it. It is quite common for fathers to be in denial as as they see any perceived imperfection in their children as a failing on their part. My DH struggled hugely for a while too. As someone else said upthread, which I think is the single most important thing you should take away from your thread. You have to parent for the child you have and not the child you want.

I really hope you can find a way forward as this is absolutely heartbreaking to read and all though this your poor DS will think that it’s his fault that his Dad doesn’t love him. That he’s not good enough. 😨🥺

You say you’re short tempered. So is my husband sometimes. You say after a burst of temper it’s all forgotten. It isn’t. Maybe everyone needs to look at their behaviour.

There are some horrible comments on here - siding with a bullying dad and saying the mum should be constantly picking up her son on small and minor behaviour. This is a 12 year old - a child. Yes they walk on walls, they joke, they laugh - whatever they are doing, picking up on minor things several times an hour - is NEVER going to be the answer. If the childs behaviour was cruel or disrespectful - even then constantly picking on it wouldnt work - it would need a system overhaul not constant nagging in the moment.

This child has a diagnosed condition that affects his ability to regulate his behaviour in the moment and means he moves/ responds more and with less thought than other children.

he sounds like a lovely boy OP and from reading this I think you sholud consider leaving your husband and showing your son - and daughter - that you believe in parenting in a different way. This will be a lesson for them for life.

This ^
Could not have said it better.

As someone with ADHD, can I say that your H sounds like a dick. He cannot discipline the ADHD out of your ds, and he is on a path to destroy your ds's mental health and self esteem.

If your ds was doing something dangerous, damaging or destructive, fair enough a punishment and being told why the behaviour is wrong is correct. But being pulled up on benign things like walking on a curb or sitting on a metal bar? He wasn't hurting anyone or himself. Your dh is your sons first bully.

My older brother was mine, he's 12 years older than me, my parents did fuck all to stop it, and now I am NC with him. He picked at every single fucking thing I did, it was hell.

Your ds is telling you he hates his dad, he's telling you the truth, and he will leave and never look back as soon as he can. The teen years can be rough for a lot of kids, your ds's Is going to be incredibly hard, he will rebel hard against your h. There's going to be a lot of fights. I wouldn't be surprised if your ds confides in a trusted adult at school, it's absolutely untenable for him to carry on living in that environment.

Bottom line, either your h stops picking on everything your ds does and works on repairing the relationship, or you leave your h, or you will lose your ds at 18 when he fucks of somewhere he can be himself without criticism.