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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Why would DS19 buy a Fentanyl test?

103 replies

Topaz67 · 14/01/2023 09:12

Just that really. Has he taken something? Found two tests in an envelope when I was retrieving plates and glasses from his room and was just about to chuck the envelope in the recycling. He’s at Uni quite locally and went for a quick trip back earlier this week to see his BF. DM is living with us at the moment and life is quite stressful without this…..

OP posts:
ofwarren · 14/01/2023 23:41

Janedoe82 · 14/01/2023 23:34

Having observed teenagers who have both autism and who identify as non binary/ go along to LGBTQ stuff at school- I am of the view that SOME, not all, aren’t actually LGBTQIA at all, but have formed their own wee group who are on the periphery and where they are accepted, in a way that they are not with the hockey/ rugby playing set previously mentioned.

You are still talking about the TQ.
I never attended an LGBT club in my life and neither did my son. Both still bisexual.
It's patronising and homophobic to say that autistic people's sexualities are influenced rather than inate. Our sexualities developed in the same way it would be for an NT person.
I knew I was bisexual in the 90s.
There are plenty of GC autistic lesbians and bisexuals too by the way. A whole Facebook group of us in fact.

Shutupyoutart · 14/01/2023 23:42

Hi op, your thread seems to be getting a bit derailed, I don't think you sound homophobic I think you just sound like a mother with a lot on her plate who's worried about her son. I understand why you are so worried about the drugs kit but I do think the only way your going to find out what's going on is to just talk to ds about it. Explain that you found it while cleaning his room and that you are worried about him, maybe he will open up to you about the boyfriend as well. All the best x

Rickandmortified100 · 14/01/2023 23:46

ofwarren · 14/01/2023 20:57

My son is ND and also bisexual
When he told me I just said 'oh, ok' and that was it. No processing.
It's not a big deal at all.

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It’s almost as if not all people respond to things in exactly the same way… 🙄

ofwarren · 14/01/2023 23:47

Rickandmortified100 · 14/01/2023 23:46

It’s almost as if not all people respond to things in exactly the same way… 🙄

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What is there to process? Would a parent need to process their child being straight? If not, why not?

Janedoe82 · 14/01/2023 23:48

Yes sorry it is being derailed. My fault.

ofwarren- it is a complex debate and like I said- many people will have different views. I personally don’t think, that going on the basis that your sexuality is biological, that there is any reason why you would be three times more likely to be biologically different because you have autism- it sits under mental health, so therefore I suspect that some of the figures are distorted. Probably due to being in groups with people who are more accepting.

anyway. Leaving thread now.

Janedoe82 · 14/01/2023 23:50

They wouldn’t need to process them being straight as they EXPECT them to be straight. They don’t expect them to be gay as they aren’t gay.

ofwarren · 14/01/2023 23:55

Autism is not a mental health issue btw, it's a neurological difference much the same as ADHD, dyspraxia and dyslexia.

Janedoe82 · 14/01/2023 23:58

Yes but it sits under the mental health team in health generally. I know it isn’t the same as a mental health illness. It isn’t physiological

Thinkwicebeforeyouleavemylife · 15/01/2023 00:06

ofwarren · 14/01/2023 23:25

There is nothing self righteous about not being homophobic.

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No there isn't but the two aren't mutually exclusive!

monsteramunch · 15/01/2023 00:15

Janedoe82 · 14/01/2023 22:51

My point is in my relatively conservative, middle class, social group- peers all in the professions, it is unusual for anyone to be anything but straight and for the children to be following a similar path! Kids play hockey and rugby. Of course there are some children who not like this in school- but it is very much the minority and the social groups don’t mix.

Have you ever thought that as sexuality is not a choice, it's highly likely the proportion of people who aren't straight is the same in all socioeconomic groups but in circles where it's more heavily judged (many religions, cultures and in your case your hockey loving self proclaimed middle class) teens and adults alike are less likely to share the fact they aren't straight?

It's not less likely for them to be gay or bi. It's probably less likely for them to tell people they are.

Unless you think sexuality is a choice?

ElonsMusky · 15/01/2023 00:23

he's testing whatever drug he is using to make sure it's not containing Fentanyl.

On the one hand he's being responsible, on the other, your son does drugs.

IMO, Teens experimenting with drugs can be normal, but it's obviously dangerous. Not everyone that experiments ends up being a junkie, but it can be a really slippery slope. You need to talk to him and find out what's going on.

jtaeapa · 15/01/2023 00:53

Fentanyl is hideously dangerous. My db recently had some in hospital for a mega injury that he had to have manipulated whilst awake. It’s 50 times stronger than heroin.

You need to talk to him about drugs. They should be a complete and utter no no. I would avoid getting cross about it, just tell him you don’t want him dead.

holierthanthou73 · 15/01/2023 06:48

thelionthewitchtheaudacityofTHISbitch · 14/01/2023 22:50

Exactly this. It doesnt. The twats on here insisting everyone be immediately cool with everything are probably not parents, and especially not to ND children.

OP - keep the gentle communication channels open. My ND child is not yet at university, and may not go, but we are currently watching and discussing Heartstopper. They love that I am interested enough to want to watch although I might have some different views.

But the drug testing- that would worry me much more.

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I think the twat here is you , just listen to yourself !

namechangeforthisoneeee · 15/01/2023 07:01

Lochroy · 14/01/2023 21:26

I agree with pp who say it ok to need time to process. I'm sorry you are getting a hard time from some posters. A fentanyl test would also concern me and mn is often helpful. All the best

Completely agree. And the one who says oooh look how cool I am I didn't need to process a anything when my son came out. Yeah, ok love. Medal is in the post. Hate it on here sometimes

MintJulia · 15/01/2023 07:21

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Give over. OP is coping with change! Any change takes a second look and some adaption of thought. She's dealing with multiple issues at the same time. It isn't homophobia.

Snowflake2 · 15/01/2023 08:00

ofwarren · 14/01/2023 23:47

What is there to process? Would a parent need to process their child being straight? If not, why not?

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Most people are straight. So it's not wrong to assume your child will probably be straight. Then if it turns out they're not straight, a person might need to process their feelings around that. Not because they're homophobic, but because something has happened which wasn't what they thought would happen. As well as adjusting to an unexpected thing happening, there's the hopes and dreams side of it. A person might have hoped to be a grandparent, learning your child is bisexual means accepting the reduced possibility of having a grandchild from them. Because if the child ends up in a same sex relationship, having a child together is more difficult than impregnating/being impregnated by their partner. Maybe the parent has some friends who are basically good people but are somewhat homophobic and so the parent needs to process their thoughts around what to say when asked if their child has an opposite sex partner etc. Because that's what people say. They don't say has your son found a partner they say has your son found a girlfriend. Maybe the parent is unsure whether the friendship can continue, whether their friends will accept their child or not. Maybe the parent is suddenly worried their child will be experiencing homophobic bullying etc, worries that they simply wouldn't have if their child were straight. Not because straight children don't get bullied, but because they don't get bullied for their sexuality. An additional worry. That's just what I thought of off the top of my head. I'm sure there's other thoughts or feelings a person might have and need to process about their child's sexuality if they're not straight. Doesn't make them a bigot, just a person. If you think nothing is ever surprising and doesn't need processing, why do you seem incapable of realising that not everyone is you or thinks like you? Posters asking this question, are inferring all straight people should accept non straightness as something ordinary and usual and not think of it as a minority or different. So by that token you should accept that some people are over-thinkers, worriers, not particularly laid-back types, needs more time to process things than some others - and accept all that as totally normal and unsurprising and not expect them to be something else then. Or is only one personality type acceptable to you? You can't have your cake and eat it too.

LetsDoThis2023 · 15/01/2023 08:17

Fuckitydoodah · 14/01/2023 21:38

Oh ffs the woke brigade is out in force tonight. It's absolutely something the majority of parents would need to process. It does not make them homophobic. Some very unhelpful posts when it sounds like the OP is having a hard time all round. How about being supportive instead?

This.

Fuckitydoodah · 15/01/2023 08:59

yorkshirepudsx · 14/01/2023 23:29

I once went on a night out and the bouncers at a club were giving people these tests. They just said "we can't stop people from taking drugs, but we can try to stop people dying from them"

I think it's really sensible. A lot of young people will dabble with drugs at some point. Obviously as a parent you'd prefer they didn't try any at all, but let's face it, you can't stop them. Better that they're safe than sorry.

Op I'm sorry your thread has been derailed. The fact you posted here at all shows you're a caring mum. Try gently talking to your son and let him know he can talk to you without judgement or anger and you are his safe place.

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 15/01/2023 09:35

Janedoe82 · 14/01/2023 22:34

It is very unusual in my social group, for anyone to be anything other than straight. All are married and no one, as yet, has a non straight child. (All at grammar or private schools). I would say that in the traditional ‘establishment’ world, to be LGBTQAI is unusual. And if you are part of that world- you generally expect your child to be similar to their peers. And if not- it is a shock.

This is the most ridiculous thing I've read on mn.

Maybe it makes children more afraid to come out and more likely to suppress their real feelings but being gay or bisexual isn't determined by your social economic background.

Honestlyeyeroll · 15/01/2023 09:40

I can understand a level of immediate shock if you thought your child’s sexual orientation was one thing and it turned out it was another.

But if you need time to process your child being bi/gay they I don’t understand how you are not homophobic.

Janedoe82 · 15/01/2023 12:40

I didn’t say it was determined by your socio economic background- but that it is very unusual and unexpected in that world for people to come out as gay. They would be a minority.
But LGBQT is a minority- despite what many seem to think 🙈

MrsSkylerWhite · 15/01/2023 12:42

FreezyWater · Yesterday 17:41
LordSugarTits · Yesterday 17:38

“Hold on. Would the uni include it in a freshers pack or something?”

“Very likely”

Thats a very good point.

Not really much to process, about his sexuality. He is who he is.

monsteramunch · 15/01/2023 12:47

Janedoe82 · 15/01/2023 12:40

I didn’t say it was determined by your socio economic background- but that it is very unusual and unexpected in that world for people to come out as gay. They would be a minority.
But LGBQT is a minority- despite what many seem to think 🙈

You said this though:

It is very unusual in my social group, for anyone to be anything other than straight.

People corrected you because it's not less likely for people to be gay or bi due to their socioeconomic group.

It's just less likely (as I think you now understand based on this more recent post) they'll come out.

monsteramunch · 15/01/2023 12:48

And nobody has said it's not a minority of people. Of course it is. The majority of people are straight and I've not seen anyone deny this.

babyyodaxmas · 15/01/2023 12:57

Janedoe82 · 14/01/2023 23:02

I think you are the one who is ignorant if you can’t see why it is relevant 🙈. The established middle classes have a ‘code’ of expected behaviour/ likes and dislikes/ what life looks like.
Your child coming out as gay is not what is generally expected. Yes it probably is homophobic but I think all this ‘woke’ expectation that people don’t think like that is totally naive.

Both my DCs go to selective schools we are as middle class as they come. Plenty of LGBT kids in both schools.