Appropriate bedtime for an 11/12 year old (year 7)

[Unhappymumma]

My son (as many others do too) is pushing back at us about his bedtime. We ask him to come off devices at 9.30 and asleep at 10 pm a school night which I think a good time.
To give him his due, all of the boys he plays with online stay on much longer and he is always the first to come off. He's telling me they are allowed to stay up until 11.30/midnight on a school night!!!
Now this will not be happening in our house regardless, but I've told him I'm going to ask other parents as according to him we are mean, strict, boring, and are the only ones doing this.
I would like to show him the responses. Thank you 😁

11yr old 8:30-8:45 lights out. Has to be up at 6:30

DNiece14 (lives permanently with us) is off devices by 9pm. After she goes to her room for the night, she has the freedom to read or listen to her kindle audiobooks with headphones until she goes to sleep. She is autistic/ADHD and often has trouble falling/staying asleep, we found this is the best way to avoid a battleground. She often won’t sleep until gone midnight, but she is always off her phone/laptop at 9pm and that’s non negotiable. We do allow a bit of leeway in the holidays, but during school term, routine is the same.

Yes but they're still in bed for 8 which is very early. I just wondered about clubs if they're in bed at 8. I'm not feigning shock, I am quite shocked. I'm not the only one. Someone else also commented the same thing further up.

@rainbowandglitter clubs gone 8pm every night? My son is in a club until 8.30 once a week but is still in bed for that time other nights. Other clubs finish well before. I don't know many kids out the house till 8 or after 5 nights a week. It'll be 2 nights when he's year 8 and start cadets, but year 8 is that but older, year 7 they're still adjusting.

Are you deliberately misreading? Thats why i asked the pp if it was every night .

@rainbowandglitter why wouldn't it be? I'd assume it was the default, it really isn't that unusual. Most people are just managing to state the situation in their house without criticising others.

Where have I criticised? I said I was shocked. That's not a criticism. You're very defensive.

My ds is in year 10 and we have devices off at 9.30 and bed at 10pm. I think that is way too late for a year 7. My DD is 12 and in year 7. She goes up to bed between 8.30/9pm.

My yr7 DS is bed by 10, up at 7:15

I will say though I'm quite horrified at the times my ds friends are up at on school nights. Ds devices turn off at 9.30pm...but his friends are messaging each other past midnight. What on earth are their parents thinking?!

There’s no way my teen will be playing online shoot em up games late at night on a school night.

DS13 Yr 8 - no screens after dinner (7pm ish) in bed for 8/8.30pm, reads until lights out at 9pm, asleep by 9.30pm, gets up at 7.30am.

DS10 Yr 5 very similar but gets up later, 8am.

Weekends both stay up bit later to watch a movie, in bed by 9.30pm asleep by 10pm.

Also, no devices or screens allowed in their bedrooms.

Hi I thought was about 1/2 hour but dr recently told DS12 and I that is 1 hr. So ….
DS12 (yr8) up for school at 6.30 so off device 8.30 then can come and watch a bit of TV with me then bed 9-9.30. He needs his sleep but is a crap sleeper!

My dd goes up at 8.15 and is allowed to read her kindle. She's usually asleep before 9pm. She has to get up at 6am and walks 45mins to and from school everyday. Definitely needs her sleep. She only has one club that finishes late (8.30) so she goes to bed later that evening. But other than that all kids clubs finish by 6/7pm

I'm laughing at the faux shock of the two posters whose dc go to bed after 10pm due to clubs, as if that's something to aspire to. Good for you. I know your intention was to imply that if your dc is in bed by 9pm you can't possibly be doing extracurricular, but do you know, sone clubs finish by 7pm for 12 year olds.

It totally depends when they need to be up. Mine were up at 6:15 for school had to bring dinner back to 5:30 for a bit in uear 7 to facilitate a 8-8:30 bedtime.
Dd is 16 has been known to put herself to bed at 7pm in yr11 when tired.

We don't currently have any late clubs going on, everyone's finished and home by 6:30. It's not a rule, just the current schedule.

Mine are v young y7, they are off devices at 2030, upstairs at 2115, lights out 2200. They have to read when they go up, sometimes they choose to go up earlier and read more or draw because they don't like the boring tv we watch. They have to get up at 6am, and often call me up around 2145 for lights out.

Oh and once a week, on a monday which is a ballache for the rest of the week, guides which finishes at 2130, home at 2145.

This is exactly what I'm referring to. What I think is happening is the parents have absolutely no control over the phones /ipads etc and just let them have it in the bedroom with them and trust them to stay off it. This of course does not happen and they are in bed with the phone still chatting to each other hours later.
A fellow school parent of mine has told me today her daughter is in bed asleep by 10 but I know this isn't true because I've seen her daughter send messages on the WhatsApp groups at 11/12/1 in the morning!! The parents are completely unaware. So of course my child then thinks they are missing out and we are being too strict. I also think it's quite shocking that it's obvious that some parents never check their kids phones etc, don't have any parental controls on them etc.

Year 10 DS here, screens away at 9.30pm then it’s in bed by 9.45pm/10pm. Needs a lot of sleep and struggles to get out of bed. Without fail, have to tell him it’s 9.30pm and time to put the screens away. Takes a few minutes off, ‘in a minute’…….and repeat.
I think it depends on the child/ teen. We do let him have his screens in his room on a Friday or Saturday night as a compromise.

If it helps, we do no gaming at all Monday-Thursday and always have done. Lights out in year 7 would have been 9pm so I actually think 10pm is too late for your DS.

The DC are allowed one hour of phone/TV time through the week but this has to be earned by homework and revision. So if you want to continue allowing your DS to game through the week, you could make it conditional on an hour of studying being completed.

The challenge you have is if he's not from a private school prep school none of his peers will have the same discipline. How can you enforce bedtime when his friends are playing minecraft all day and he's missing out. Resentment can brew. The fact that he can question it means there's no strong masculine presence in your house which is the problem.

Off YouTube etc at 8; in bed at 9.45; lights out an hour later in the holidays.

I think we are pretty relaxed - screens off at 9, in bed by 0930 ish and no set lights out on school nights. Currently it’s 11 but he sleeps in.

However, he thinks we are horribly unfair because his friend has no restrictions at all and we hear him saying that he had to go, and his friend saying that we are really strict and trying to persuade him to ask for extensions. Last night we had a ‘ I hate you, you’re so strict’ rant and he knows he’ll lose his PS for a while if it happens again.

Today, he brought us tea in bed and has been super helpful and apologetic all day! 😂😂