Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

I’m a terrible parent

91 replies

Feellikeimalwaysmoaning · 14/12/2022 17:10

Ive just thrown my 16 yr old sons ipad at his head in a complete rage. I’m the parent but I have completely lost my temper and tbh i can’t see me never not loosing the plot with him as he is behaving like a complete a-hole
i cannot cope with him anymore and I don’t know what to do. To be clear he’s not breaking the law, drinking, taking drugs etc so in the grand scale of things I should just get over it BUT he does absolutely nothing that I ask him to do.

He has just started ALevels at college and following a horrible 3 months during GCSEs where he completely gave up and refused to do any revision which caused all sorts of tension in the house. I was very clear that if he went to college and did A levels he had to work and I was not prepared to go through the stress of trying to get him to work, it had to be something he wanted to do . Well he’s not, he’s doing the absolute bare minimum and not doing any of the independent study (4hrs per subject per week)

Anyway he’s just completely bombed on his assessment (because he did no prep or revision) so the teacher has given him the opportunity to redo and he will remark. He is off today due to strikes so it was agreed he would redo his assessment and do the missed lesson work from home. But he’s been gaming ….I have been asking him to get on and do his work and it just escalated and escalated …..I know it’s my fault but I don’t know what to do as I cannot get him to do anything. So I then tried to take his game off him and that where it all blew up and I just lost it.
well he’s basically said ive abused him and called me some horrible names and left the house.

he’s safe as my friend went and picked him up.

What should I do.

should I refer myself to some patenting course. We are talking he does absolutely nothing when asked …. Come down for dinner, get up, go to bed, come out. Get ready to go out. Get ready for work. Get ready for football, pack your bags, do your hw. Everything is on his terms and done in his own time with us having to literally drag every last thing out of him and do everything for him or he would never get to college/football/work. I have an older son and younger daughter and in complete contrast they don’t need to be told to do anything they just get on and do what needs doing. The main issue is his gaming, should I remove this, I’ve tried restricting it and things improve for a while then back at square one again

please be kind as im sure this reads like I’m a complete helicopter parent who is now abusive but I cannot loose my temper like that again

OP posts:

TodayInahurry · 14/12/2022 17:14

Stop paying for his phone, iPad etc.

PotatoFamily · 14/12/2022 17:22

I’ve been through this many times now, have somehow got 4 children, step and bio, to adulthood. Only another 4 to go! It’s his life, let him fail. In my experience it takes years for teenagers of this type to grow up, boys even more so(my eldest has just come right and landed his dream job at age 23). If he quits college he needs to get a job.

Motnight · 14/12/2022 17:28

Is he OK? Did the ipad actually hit him?

Parky04 · 14/12/2022 17:30

Bit too late for parenting classes! Just let him fail. Hopefully, he will grow up eventually.

Shimmyoo · 14/12/2022 17:32

Motnight · 14/12/2022 17:28

Is he OK? Did the ipad actually hit him?

This is important. Be sure to tell him you should not have done that and you are sorry.

Make a plan so it never happens again, you had the ipad in your hand and could have put it away in your car or something if you wanted to take it off him.

You do have to let him fail. He is not the other two, don't compare - ask him how he plans to not fail then stand back.

EmilyGilmoresSass · 14/12/2022 17:35

Turn off WiFi or change password and tell everybody except him. Also remove any devices that he didn't buy himself. He will soon learn. Don't be hard on yourself, it's not easy and it doesn't define you. At that age he should know better and know he is pushing his luck with you to be honest. If he wants to game so badly he can do it with his own money.

RoseslnTheHospital · 14/12/2022 17:36

I agree that you have to let him fail, or not. He needs to comply with basic politeness and minimum standards around the house, but he should be doing his own management of his work, studying, sport etc.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 14/12/2022 17:38

I don’t think you’re a terrible parent, I think you’re human, I think you care and I think you feel helpless. easy for internet strangers to say let him fail, but who would actually let their child fail their important exams. Remove gaming altogether- but I appreciate that’s seriously difficult, teen boys don’t have much to do in terms of “social” activities.

thewayround · 14/12/2022 17:38

No advice

but I really feel for you

it would be so easy to be a parent that doesn’t give a toss and let’s him mess up his future. Then you’ll have an easy life and relationship but that’s not what a loving and committed parent does.

Hope it works out

CaptainMum · 14/12/2022 17:41

With your apology explain to him that your punishments are not affective and need to change. You will be 'helping yourself' to control your emotions at his behaviour by limiting Wi-Fi/not paying for phone/removing console etc. whatever you've chosen. Take back control to give yourself the best chance of staying self-controlled. Decide your punishments in advance and stick to them. Refuse to engage in arguments. Good luck!

lailamaria · 14/12/2022 17:41

i'm sorry to sound harsh but are you really telling us that you threw an ipad at his head and your biggest problem is that he as an almost adult refuses to give into your demands and that you're the most injured party here, your first move should be apologising and i mean property apologising not the half apology that is basically blaming him for your actions

thewayround · 14/12/2022 17:44

Are you a single parent?

Original poster

Feellikeimalwaysmoaning · 14/12/2022 17:52

Where in my post did I claim to be the injured party?

OP posts:

Original poster

Feellikeimalwaysmoaning · 14/12/2022 17:58

lailamaria · 14/12/2022 17:41

yes an almost adult who cannot wake up in the morning, misses his train, looses his belongings regularly, goes out in freezing conditions without a coat, turns up to football without his boots. My demands are ‘can you get up’ ‘come down for dinner’ ‘make sure you have your boots’. Hardly anything for my own personal gain

OP posts:

Original poster

Feellikeimalwaysmoaning · 14/12/2022 18:00

Motnight · 14/12/2022 17:28

Is he OK? Did the ipad actually hit him?

Umm if he was injured I would not be sat writing a post on MN …. I imagine I would be referring myself to SS and getting medical advise

OP posts:

twelly · 14/12/2022 18:02

I fully understand your frustration - they can be so infuriating. I don't know what the answer is. I think in some ways we are now as parents are made to feel we can't allow our children to make mistakes and we feel that we are responsible if they fail at things and they in turn don't take responsibility.

In a way they have to learn the consequences of their actions but this is difficult as really you want them to learn the consequences of actions that don't matter too much as you don't want them to make massive mistakes.

Original poster

Feellikeimalwaysmoaning · 14/12/2022 18:03

Thank you for the responses. I’m not sure if it’s too late for parenting classes as i will still be parenting for the next couple of years and it’s only now that we are encountering problems with our relationship. Isn’t it usual that by parents changing there behaviour then it ultimately changes there childs. I 100% agree this is my problem I should not have lost my temper and I came on here for advise on how to stop that from happening again.

OP posts:

HamBone · 14/12/2022 18:04

You lost your temper, OP, you need to apologize and explain to him why you did.

Once you’ve done that, I’d explain that the current situation can’t go on and you’ll have to step back and let him manage his own time. As PP’s have said, you don’t have to supply the WiFi to enable him to game-there are several apps that allow you to switch off WiFi to specific devices.

He may have to temporarily fail to learn how to change his behavior, it’s a life lesson.

1Wanda1 · 14/12/2022 18:06

As @PotatoFamily says, let him fail. I've been through this with my DS, first with GCSEs then A levels. He didn't want to revise, we argued every single day about gaming. Then he failed his first year of uni and had to re-sit. That seemed to cause the penny to drop and this year he's been getting good marks. I could have saved us both a lot of stress and resentment by just explaining calmly to him the consequences of not making an effort, and then leaving him to decide.

Britinme · 14/12/2022 18:08

At this point I think I'd be letting him fail. Let him take the natural consequence of his actions.

If he goes out without a coat he'll be cold, and that is a natural consequence. He won't die of it. If he doesn't do his college work, he'll be thrown off the course and that is a natural consequence. At his age, if he fails horribly and doesn't do anything academic, he's got years to do something else in the meantime and tackle it again (or not) if he wants to. If he gets a job and doesn't turn up in time, he'll get the sack.

At least if he has a roof over his head and food to eat and a secure home, he's got time to absorb those lessons. I wouldn't be letting him just stay in bed all day and game all night though. Part of adulting is contributing to the household either by money or work, so all the children should be doing something towards that. If he wants to game, he can pay a proportion of the internet charges, and if that means he gets a part-time job, so be it.

Thatsasmashingblouseyouvegoton · 14/12/2022 18:08

Feellikeimalwaysmoaning · 14/12/2022 18:03

I think, sometimes, the best thing we can do for our kids is "let" them fail.
If he doesn't work he'll be asked to leave.
Then you calmly and early state he gets a job.
Lots of nmw jobs around.
Might help him solidify his thoughts on his future.
Perhaps a levels weren't the right route.

Original poster

Feellikeimalwaysmoaning · 14/12/2022 18:09

It’s also not a case of letting him fail because if he wants to fail he will regardless of my input because that’s the point he refuses to do anything I ask. He lives with us but does what he wants and that’s not cool I don’t think. We all have a role to play in a family. But what the problem is I am asking him to do something nicely, he says yes ok, then doesn’t do it. I then have to again/again/again/again and I start to loose my temper with him and I need to learn to walk away but the outcome is still the same he won’t have done what I’ve asked. I try not to tell him what to do. I don’t have to tell my other kids. I’m not comparing him to them, im comparing my parenting. I never in the past have ever even shouted at my daughter

OP posts:

dolor · 14/12/2022 18:09

Any neurodivergent stuff going on?

Take the iPad and anything else away that's stopping him from doing what he's supposed to do.

Make absolutely sure you apologise for throwing it at him, but make sure he understands that unless he knuckles down he's going to fail, so no iPad or distractions until he's done homework and revision. Only once he's done the work every day can he have it back.

If he refuses, then no iPad etc. Expect tantrums but don't back down. Remain as calm as you can, if you can't then you need to work on sorting yourself out too because this clearly isn't going to end well if you don't take the right action.

ohioriver · 14/12/2022 18:09

You have to let him fall. Fail.

You have to you can't do it for him and you're only causing a war trying to make him.

Step right back. If he fails. He fails. If he misses football he misses it. If he's cold. He's cold

Sorry.

CatherinedeBourgh · 14/12/2022 18:10

Oh FGS people are being so melodramatic. He's probably an enormous almost man, who will barely blink at having an ipad thrown at him. Will probably do him some good to understand that you are human and have your limits.

Time for a sit down and a serious adult to adult talk. Explain what you are and aren't willing to do for him. Make him think about what he gets from you, and what you expect in return. Time for him to grow up a little.

If you turn this into a beating up of yourself for having lost your temper, he won't learn from it and will never change. Have an honest conversation.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread