I’m a terrible parent

[Feellikeimalwaysmoaning]

Ive just thrown my 16 yr old sons ipad at his head in a complete rage. I’m the parent but I have completely lost my temper and tbh i can’t see me never not loosing the plot with him as he is behaving like a complete a-hole
i cannot cope with him anymore and I don’t know what to do. To be clear he’s not breaking the law, drinking, taking drugs etc so in the grand scale of things I should just get over it BUT he does absolutely nothing that I ask him to do.

He has just started ALevels at college and following a horrible 3 months during GCSEs where he completely gave up and refused to do any revision which caused all sorts of tension in the house. I was very clear that if he went to college and did A levels he had to work and I was not prepared to go through the stress of trying to get him to work, it had to be something he wanted to do . Well he’s not, he’s doing the absolute bare minimum and not doing any of the independent study (4hrs per subject per week)

Anyway he’s just completely bombed on his assessment (because he did no prep or revision) so the teacher has given him the opportunity to redo and he will remark. He is off today due to strikes so it was agreed he would redo his assessment and do the missed lesson work from home. But he’s been gaming ….I have been asking him to get on and do his work and it just escalated and escalated …..I know it’s my fault but I don’t know what to do as I cannot get him to do anything. So I then tried to take his game off him and that where it all blew up and I just lost it.
well he’s basically said ive abused him and called me some horrible names and left the house.

he’s safe as my friend went and picked him up.

What should I do.

should I refer myself to some patenting course. We are talking he does absolutely nothing when asked …. Come down for dinner, get up, go to bed, come out. Get ready to go out. Get ready for work. Get ready for football, pack your bags, do your hw. Everything is on his terms and done in his own time with us having to literally drag every last thing out of him and do everything for him or he would never get to college/football/work. I have an older son and younger daughter and in complete contrast they don’t need to be told to do anything they just get on and do what needs doing. The main issue is his gaming, should I remove this, I’ve tried restricting it and things improve for a while then back at square one again

please be kind as im sure this reads like I’m a complete helicopter parent who is now abusive but I cannot loose my temper like that again

You could literally be describing my ds @Feellikeimalwaysmoaning - so, so many things you have written happen here, and I've often thought he has autistic traits.

This is where I'm at:

• he's in 6th form which was his choice (not compulsory like before), so I'm not taking any responsibility for making sure homework is done, etc. I'll ask him if he needs to do any now and again, but leave him to organise his time. Like others have said, if he fails it's on him and at some point he has to learn that lesson I guess.
• I wake him up (he sleeps through really loud alarms), and remind him if he misses the bus, there's no gaming that night (I remove controllers). I stick to this like glue!
• I only wash clothes in his washing basket other than underwear and uniform that I'll pick up from his floor. He's still not great at tidying up, but does ask if I'll wash now and again when he realises he's got no clean hoodies to go out in.
• I WhatsApp when I want things done - come for tea, empty your bin, etc. He accepts instructions far better by message than me nagging him.
• I don't tolerate swearing at me at all - no washing, cooking, lifts, etc until he's apologised and sounded like he meant it. He's watched me put his tea in the bin after telling me to F off. I'm not going to accept anyone swearing at me in my own house.

We're a long way from perfect, and have so many frustrations, but the above gets us through.

yes an almost adult who cannot wake up in the morning, misses his train, looses his belongings regularly, goes out in freezing conditions without a coat, turns up to football without his boots. My demands are ‘can you get up’ ‘come down for dinner’ ‘make sure you have your boots’. Hardly anything for my own personal gain
If you haven't already, please get him checked out for inattentive ADHD, which can cause all sorts of organisation issues. If he happened to have that then there are lots of tools and strategies that would benefit both of you.

Don't you dare ever behave like that with a child. That's appalling. He might say he's not scarred but he'll never forget.

Agree with the others get him an asd/adhd assessment.

Really unnecessary to point this out but completely expected on MN

Firstly you need to stop feeling responsible for his actions. He's 16 he needs to learn to stand on his own feet and tbh he's less likely to do stuff if you nag him. Secondly get some help for your anger/anxiety/overwhelm, that is an extreme reaction and was potentially frightening for him, you also need to apologise. And yes read some books on parenting teens or so a course. Lastly have one set punishment, loss of phone/internet works well, issue the warning. If he ignores warning deliver punishment. But don't go over board a day or so is enough or there's no incentive for him to confirm.

I would back off completely. You’ve tried your best and now it’s up to him.

It’s very difficult, one of my DDs was like this. I begged, cajoled and dragged her through GCSEs, even driving her there every day, regular meetings with school, very stressful. She managed to get decent results, not as good as she could, but ok.

I wanted her to leave school and get a job or an apprenticeship doing something she’d enjoy. She refused and went on to 6th form to do A levels. I backed off, couldn’t do two more years like that. She rarely went to 6th form, left with no A levels.

Ended up getting a job in a supermarket. She was punctual, never a day off. They gave her more responsibility and she really grew up.

Two years later she left and has found a career doing something she loves.

Dont beat yourself up OP, school isn’t for everyone, he’ll find his way.

Years ago I went to two, in person, triple P parenting courses. They were invaluable. There’s a teen focussed one, I went to the SEN version for younger children.

www.triplep-parenting.uk.net/uk/triple-p/

Can you, just for the moment, focus on yourself and your feelings of being at the end of your tether? What do you need to do to recharge your batteries, find your inner calm and self belief and get into the right frame of mind to make some big decisions about a change of strategy.

I think gaming can be addictive, addiction can have serious consequences, supporting someone in the grip of addiction is no easy thing.

You sound angry.

@Feellikeimalwaysmoaning - don’t take @heartbroken22 ’s words too much to heart. I think kids remember things in context of the overall relationship. You sound like you genuinely try to be a good parent and are affectionate.

I have a good relationship with parents and was brought up in a far more authoritarian way. Good luck (I have small kids so not much experience).

Oh for gods sake

What?

And here we have the problem. This is exactly why kids have zero respect for their parents these days

Let me guess

you don’t have children or your children are adult

you are avid reader of the Daily Mail

Thanks everyone I feel I have gained some insight and had some really good advise.

im not coming back on from now x

merry Christmas

Good luck Op.

He does sound very neuro divergent. Our brains don't work the same as other peoples. If someone badgers me to do something I get an overwhelming urge to never do the thing, even if it would benefit me to do it.
I find myself to be exhausting and I understand we are not easy people to live with.
It is not too late to get your son assessed. If he is found to be on the autistic spectrum then college would be able to help more in terms of helping with assignments and deadlines.

I am the biggest procrastinator known to man. I'll do anything but what I have to do right up until I have a panic and then rush it.

Sounds daft but Omega 3 actually helps me a lot and calms the ADHD squirrels down. It has been medically proven to help in some circumstances with focus. Im not saying it's a quick fix and it may not even work for your son but it's worth a try!

I also hated wearing coats and I'm super forgetful. Again this is very irritating to those with neuro typical brains.
I can set off to go somewhere 45 minutes earlier than I need to and still wind up being late (literally my super power).

He sounds a lot like me and I do sympathise as I'm hard work. Try the omega 3s and maybe speak to a dr about getting an assessment, there's a long wait though. My daughter (8) has been waiting almost 2 years now.