I’m a terrible parent

[Feellikeimalwaysmoaning]

Ive just thrown my 16 yr old sons ipad at his head in a complete rage. I’m the parent but I have completely lost my temper and tbh i can’t see me never not loosing the plot with him as he is behaving like a complete a-hole
i cannot cope with him anymore and I don’t know what to do. To be clear he’s not breaking the law, drinking, taking drugs etc so in the grand scale of things I should just get over it BUT he does absolutely nothing that I ask him to do.

He has just started ALevels at college and following a horrible 3 months during GCSEs where he completely gave up and refused to do any revision which caused all sorts of tension in the house. I was very clear that if he went to college and did A levels he had to work and I was not prepared to go through the stress of trying to get him to work, it had to be something he wanted to do . Well he’s not, he’s doing the absolute bare minimum and not doing any of the independent study (4hrs per subject per week)

Anyway he’s just completely bombed on his assessment (because he did no prep or revision) so the teacher has given him the opportunity to redo and he will remark. He is off today due to strikes so it was agreed he would redo his assessment and do the missed lesson work from home. But he’s been gaming ….I have been asking him to get on and do his work and it just escalated and escalated …..I know it’s my fault but I don’t know what to do as I cannot get him to do anything. So I then tried to take his game off him and that where it all blew up and I just lost it.
well he’s basically said ive abused him and called me some horrible names and left the house.

he’s safe as my friend went and picked him up.

What should I do.

should I refer myself to some patenting course. We are talking he does absolutely nothing when asked …. Come down for dinner, get up, go to bed, come out. Get ready to go out. Get ready for work. Get ready for football, pack your bags, do your hw. Everything is on his terms and done in his own time with us having to literally drag every last thing out of him and do everything for him or he would never get to college/football/work. I have an older son and younger daughter and in complete contrast they don’t need to be told to do anything they just get on and do what needs doing. The main issue is his gaming, should I remove this, I’ve tried restricting it and things improve for a while then back at square one again

please be kind as im sure this reads like I’m a complete helicopter parent who is now abusive but I cannot loose my temper like that again

To be fair it was quite an important detail that you left out originally.

Does he have an undiagnosed neurodiversity? He sounds exactly like my friend's son right down to going out without a coat on in this weather. He's recently been Diagnosed with ADHD so it's worth looking at the ADHD Foundation for social communication tips.

And to add a bit of context I threw the iPad when he told me to F Off. And told me to shut my f’ing mouth. I have never been spoken to by any of the kids like that….still not acceptable it was a real unreasonable escalation to such a reasonable request.

that’s why it’s so horrible, sad and upsetting all round.

i will apologise, there is no excuse for violence

How is being an almost enormous man relevant? Would you say this if it was a girl?

Natural consequences OP. Forgets his football boots - not your problem. Doesn't get up for work - loses his job and has no money. Doesn't come down for dinner - he makes his own/has to reheat it. A lot of teens don't wear coats it's not worth an argument over.

Pick your battles wisely.

I think potentially there could be something as he’s always been highly sensitive to things like food temperature, itchy clothes, shoes etc he is very strong willed, stubborn. But the flip is he has always followed rules, been fantastic at school, loving etc but very temperamental highly strung and would have complete melt downs as a young child

I second the letting him fail it’s his life. As for family chores and when you ask him to do something, let there be a consequence. You asked him to come down for dinner and he doesn’t show don’t serve him any and don’t save any.

i don’t think you can carry on moaning as it’s not working and he needs some skills for being an adult. He will drive any future partners crazy if he needs someone to moan at him to do anything.

I though I was a terrible parent to my Ds at that age too. His behaviour was exactly as you describe. God how I remember the feeling of rage growing as "could you come down now Son, your dinners ready" was met with a muffled "when I'm ready, god mum, I'm in the middle of a game". He totally stopped communicating with me when he was 19. Has not spoken a word to me for 5 years or so now. (He lives with his dad). I've apologised for all my wrongdoings as a parent and begged his forgiveness- but nope, nothing. For what it's worth both my ex (his dad) and our DD say I was a good mum.

Anyway In the last 5 years I've been diagnosed with ADHD and knowing what I now know is lay my last quid on my son having it too. My advice is start him on a diagnosis journey now while you're still communicating. I regret so much parenting him as a NT when he's ND. I'd give so much to redo it knowing what he actually needed - ie more coaching/step by step guidance/body doubling/praise and attention. Good luck

Thing is he is obviously capable as he stayed at a friends on Sat night after a party and got himself up ready and to work on his own for 8am. The flip is if he was here he doesn’t get up and I’m up and down the stairs telling him to get up. I know I am the weakest link here!

So don't tell him. Seriously, it's not your problem, it's his. He's shown he can do it. Force yourself to stay silent and do nothing.

Ok in the letting him fail, shall i just not get him up for college/work ? I have to take him to train station and I’m usually stood by the door telling him to hurry up should I just wait in the kitchen until he comes and gets me.

he doesn’t get his boots when he forgets them, i don’t drop things to him., if he goes out with out a coat it is what it is, but today it was -4 and I was worried

Can I just add obviously he has lots of lovely qualities

In my limited experience of two NT teenagers, it’s not uncommon for them to forget their coats and mismanage their time. My DS (14) didn’t wear a coat this morning-I asked him why and he said that he forgot! He was fine in a thick hoodie, but still. He’s also been late for school several times this term, because he doesn’t get up when asked, suddenly decided to shower 10 mins before we need to leave, etc. He’s not thinking about practical things, that’s what parents are for. 🤣

I will say that getting a p-t job recently has helped. He works three hours on a Saturday afternoon and he’s learnt a lot about managing his time and being responsible. He’s luckily that his employer is a Mum to adult children and knows how to deal with teenagers. Surprise, surprise, he listens to every word she says…but not to me as much!

Yes you need to pull back but inform him this is what you are going to do. So you will call him once to get up but then you have your own stuff to do so you leave without him. Stop cooking for him if he does not come down, tell him that his education is in his hands but if he fails this year he will have to get a job and pay rent. Do not give him money.You cannot change this for him, he had to want to change it.

@Feellikeimalwaysmoaning If you usually go in to wake him up, I’d do it twice and then leave him. If he misses the train, he misses it.

As annoying as it might be, if he doesn't want to do something then he won't. He's almost an adult and if he wants to fail then that's on him.

My god women... just stop! He is 16 not 6!!!

To get up on time he should have an alarm... no alarm, then he's late. Let him
Learn for crying out loud
Not done his work.... that's on him!! He's the one who has to explain himself to the teacher.
He needs to learn consequences.

How's he going to cope when he's a fully grown adult??? I can imagine him becoming a man child who expects his wife to get him up in the morning at this rate!

Ok thanks 😜. Ps I have a very well adjusted 25 year old son who I managed to parent quite successfully….

Oh for crying out loud. Just stop.

Buy him an alarm clock. Maybe once go up and say it's 8.15 or whatever. Make no other comment.

If you take him to the station, be ready but just sit there, waiting. Check your emails, write a shopping list, finish your coffee, anything but chivvy him along. When he finally appears, you make no comment about his tardiness or lack of winter clothing, just drive him casually to the station, drop him off and drive away smiling.

Apologise for flinging his ipad at him I'd have chucked it out of the window into the frozen yonder and say you have decided that since he is practically an adult, you are no longer going to nag him any more, you are going to allow him to be responsible for all that stuff. And stick to it. It's hard, but be resolute.

If he has a phone (I expect he does) he can set an alarm on that. I wouldn't go beyond waking him up (once!) and then leaving when you need to leave. If he misses the train that's his problem. He needs to know that you're leaving on time for your needs regardless of whether he's ready or not.

Your love and rage are both clear in your posts. I would apologise to him for throwing the iPad at his head. Tell him that his behaviour is unacceptable and as a consequence you are removing the video games etc that you paid for. Then stop telling or asking him for anything that he is responsible for. Reward his good behaviour but completely ignore the bad - pretend it doesn’t exist. Your way of showing your love - repeatedly asking and reminding etc - hasn’t worked. You have nothing to lose by trying a new approach. Good luck.

Wow I was thinking from the start 'that sounds like poor executive function' then you list a whole list of things that would immediately make me think 'possible ASD'.

Mine is 16 and has ASD, poor executive function and needs a lot of reminding and organising. He has to write things on his hand to help remember them (despite getting mostly 9's in his GCSE's).

If you are going to let him fail then please don't phrase it like that - but please do tell him that you feel it's really important that he needs to start becoming more independent and so he needs to start taking responsibility for x, y and z (be very clear and specific about what he needs to take responsibility for). Tell him you know he is capable because after staying at his friends he got to work and you want to see more of that independence. Give him some strategies for organising himself and talk about the consequences of him not sorting it out - losing his job etc.

What does he want to do after A-levels, get him thinking about that as well and the grades he needs. He might find it very hard to motivate himself if he doesn't know what he wants to do or what grades he needs to get there.

If he has ASD remember also that apart from poor executive function he may also be a few years behind emotionally. He may need much more support than the average child so don't listen to people who say it's not your problem or he'll become a man child because they clearly have no idea about being ND.

First things first, so you lost your temper. Forgive yourself. He's fine. Don't give him access to the WiFi and don't pay for anything extra for him. If he wants a phone, he works for it. If he wants access to your WiFi, he works for it. As for schoolwork, explain the consequences of what will happen if he does no work and then leave it alone. Some kids need to actually experience the consequences of their actions before they change their behaviour. Good luck.

sorry if you think I’m absolutely pathetic. Its not something I decided to do it is a situation that has occurred over a period of time.. I didn’t decide on the day of his birth that he was a precious prince and I would pander to his every need. It has just been a case of making my life easier over the years but it has come to bite me on the bum. He has an alarm clock that goes off at 6.30 / 6.35 and again at 6.45. He still is fast asleep when I go up at 6.50 …..yes yes I know it’s because he knows I will go in and 6.50 but I get the point. I will stop and I shall post back in 6 weeks and see how we go

It looks as though you will need to use different parenting techniques from your eldest whether he's ND or not

He has crossed the line at swearing.

You have crossed the line by throwing his IPAD.

Time to draw a line in the sand and talk about what is acceptable or not. He's intelligent enough to do A Levels so he's intelligent enough to talk about rules.

You can't make a teenager study but you can tell them what the consequences will be if they don't.

You can tell them what is and is not acceptable in your home in terms of behaviour. You need to apologise for the IPAD.

I would start by saying he needs to have a firm plan B if he fails year 11 because he can't be bothered to do the work and that you will not support him to sit around and do nothing. And then leave him to it.

Cut yourself some slack... we all lose control with kids and of course it should never lead to Thai but teens have a unique talent for pushing buttons!

Apologise and make it clear you know throwing it at him was wrong but that his behaviour doesn't help. I wouldn't feed into this 'you've abused me' route of you'll give him no end of power it was a mistake however don't make yourself labelled as a bad guy or he'll take a mile!

I have thought ASD especially in the early years. He does need organising, he literally cannot remember anything. I can give him something that he needs to take somewhere and he will leave the house and I will turn round and see it sat on the side. He is also very literal, so if I say oh you can take it easy tomorrow he will take it that I have said he doesn’t have to do anything and gets really cross when I say something needs to be done.
i have to parent him in a completely different way but as thats because his reaction to things used to effect the whole family so we have had to plan things around how he would fit into a situation.

also very bright high achiever until being told he needed 5/6s for his A level courses he literally stopped working that day as he said he knew he could get those without trying. He did and some and was very pleased with himself. He needs an AAB at ALevel for the course he is looking at and say he will get them.

hes just wondering around the kitchen now looking for his AirPods which he has lost again this is his 3rd pair in 18 months. He only replaced these on Sunday out of his own pocket and has lost them again! Don’t worry I am not trying to help him find them