I’m a terrible parent

[Feellikeimalwaysmoaning]

Ive just thrown my 16 yr old sons ipad at his head in a complete rage. I’m the parent but I have completely lost my temper and tbh i can’t see me never not loosing the plot with him as he is behaving like a complete a-hole
i cannot cope with him anymore and I don’t know what to do. To be clear he’s not breaking the law, drinking, taking drugs etc so in the grand scale of things I should just get over it BUT he does absolutely nothing that I ask him to do.

He has just started ALevels at college and following a horrible 3 months during GCSEs where he completely gave up and refused to do any revision which caused all sorts of tension in the house. I was very clear that if he went to college and did A levels he had to work and I was not prepared to go through the stress of trying to get him to work, it had to be something he wanted to do . Well he’s not, he’s doing the absolute bare minimum and not doing any of the independent study (4hrs per subject per week)

Anyway he’s just completely bombed on his assessment (because he did no prep or revision) so the teacher has given him the opportunity to redo and he will remark. He is off today due to strikes so it was agreed he would redo his assessment and do the missed lesson work from home. But he’s been gaming ….I have been asking him to get on and do his work and it just escalated and escalated …..I know it’s my fault but I don’t know what to do as I cannot get him to do anything. So I then tried to take his game off him and that where it all blew up and I just lost it.
well he’s basically said ive abused him and called me some horrible names and left the house.

he’s safe as my friend went and picked him up.

What should I do.

should I refer myself to some patenting course. We are talking he does absolutely nothing when asked …. Come down for dinner, get up, go to bed, come out. Get ready to go out. Get ready for work. Get ready for football, pack your bags, do your hw. Everything is on his terms and done in his own time with us having to literally drag every last thing out of him and do everything for him or he would never get to college/football/work. I have an older son and younger daughter and in complete contrast they don’t need to be told to do anything they just get on and do what needs doing. The main issue is his gaming, should I remove this, I’ve tried restricting it and things improve for a while then back at square one again

please be kind as im sure this reads like I’m a complete helicopter parent who is now abusive but I cannot loose my temper like that again

I too would go for disengaging. I had to do this to some extent with my eldest over slightly different issues.

Apologise. Say your nagging isn't working and it's just stressing you out and you aren't going to any more.

You won't nag anymore about college or work or football.
You will still take to football if he's ready by X time, but having his kit is up to him.
You'll do washing if it is in the basket.
Allowance only continues as long as he's attending college.
It's his life, it's up to him.

Last week my 14yr old son thinks it’s ok stay off school and asks me everyday can he stay off and no is the answer he flips his lid, he’s lazy and has a constant face on. I flipped last week he called me psycho, he used to be such a good boy

If you're a terrible parent then so am I. My DS is now 17 and you've described him to a T.
I'm still battling and sending myself insane tbh and nothing changes.
I've implemented all the suggestions so far. It's a horrible situation to be in.

It sounds like you need a different approach with your younger son. He does sound like he might have a ND. Is he also very capable academically even though he doesn't try and therefore gets disappointing results?

I would try to not try so hard. It's entirely understandable that you want him to do well in life and be a civilised human being. But you have to remember to some extent he's a toddler in a man's body but also part of him is also nearly an adult. So what worked for me with a very similar child is choosing your battles and trusting it would all work out in the end. Start by backing off and trying to develop a relationship with him outside of being a parent. You want to show you're on his side.

Then you're honest with him: e.g. I trust you a lot of the time to make good decisions and I'm not going to supervise everything you do. However, if you don't do this particular piece of work, it could really affect your end results and I know you want to do well and I don't want you to end up disappointed. Can I help you pull your notes together and help you to manage your time to get it done (e.g. Setting an alarm to work for an hour, game for an hour, eat lunch, work for an hour etc). Working as a team and as an experienced adult rather than a know it all parent worked so much better than continuing the strategy that worked really well when he was younger of being quite strict and giving advice.

Don't despair. My one is now a lovely young man at Uni. I was prepared for him to fail though and have retakes but he pulled it out of the bag in the second year of A levels.

Has he been tested for ADHD or any other SEN? That kind of procrastination and self-sabotage sounds like it could be ADHD.

Oh and mine could never get up in the morning but miraculously manages now I thought I'd still be getting him up when he was in his 30s!

I'm sorry OP, I didn't mean to upset you.

This. Time to bargain. If he wants privileges, he does his work to a standard you are happy with, first.

No work means no gaming, no phone, no allowance. Don't blink first.

I’m not surprised you completely lost your shit, bearing in mind this is the opposite of what he promised to do.

The stress and mental load, as a parent, of trying to get a demand avoidant kid to do basic tasks (get up, go to bed, sort your bag, etc) is horrendous. It’s the thing I loathe most as a parent. But it’s not just that, is it? You had months of hell during GCSEs and he promised he wasn’t going to piss college up the wall. And yet he is.

I’m not excusing what you did, but I DO understand it.

I have a demand avoidant autistic kid. I really think you need to explore neurodivergence if you’ve always wondered. You’d be doing him a disservice by deciding to “let him fail” otherwise.

Have a look at PDAsociety.org.uk has useful parenting tips. My youngest sounds just like your DS and scaffolding that level of poor execution functioning skills is exhausting as a parent. She is autistic but most people wouldn’t realise.

Stop doing things for him, stop Internet access, stop phone, stop football, stop lifts and nice food. Provide the basics and he'll soon realise you mean business!

I have a demand avoidant autistic kid. I really think you need to explore neurodivergence if you’ve always wondered. You’d be doing him a disservice by deciding to “let him fail” otherwise.

I agree but for some PDA kids, I have one, any demand is an issue.

I had to make it his choice in the end, right down to setting his own alarm or whether he engaged in any educational activity for GCSE. By that stage he'd been out of school for 5 years. It was only by telling him in the end it was up to him if he failed but he'd have to get a job if he did that worked, ultimately I would have had to let him fail.

Once he was entirely in control and I backed off he was able to work. I now have a completely hands off approach. The minute he feels that it is what I want him to do he can't cope.

Fair point @lifeturnsonadime but my main point is that if the OP washes her hands of micromanaging her son’s life and doesn’t look into neurodivergence, then he’d be on a guaranteed path to failure and she’s be doing him a disservice.

I wouldn't stand for him telling you to F off etc at ALL.

Time to ground him, confiscate his fun items, and have him earn them back. If he swears at you again, has a tantrum etc, then tell him he's grounded for an extra day until he sorts himself out.

His behaviour is disgusting. I wouldn't wish teens on anyone at all.

Also a fair point.

FWIW a lot of what the OP writes points to neurodiversity. Realistically she’s not going to get a dx for him before adulthood though. Looking into non NT parenting techniques is probably the best course of action.

He sounds neurodivergent to me. He’s not meaning to be an arse, but bear in mind that it is not as simple as just doing work for him. There are potentially so many barriers in place, not least that he is probably continually told that he is lazy and letting everyone down.

he does need to decide to do this himself but he needs some understanding and support.

he is not meaning to piss you off, but imagine what it’s like being told to just work, concentrate, remember your stuff, get up on time and you want to and are being told it’s easy to do and yet your brain just doesn’t let you.

add that to a teenage brain with all their hormones and it gets worse.

I have a teenagers with ADHD and I do know the frustration.

Thanks everyone it’s all very insightful.

we’ve had a chat this evening and a big cuddle. I apologised and said I was very wrong to loose control and he has apologised and said he was wrong to swear. Ive told him if he wants me to back off then he needs to step up and show responsibility for himself as he doesn’t want me nagging but doesn’t get on and do the basics.

we’ll see tomorrow is another day. Thankfully he said I haven’t emotionally scarred him 😜😬

ND kids are just as capable of wanting to piss off their parents, as NT kids. It's not easy for ND kids and adults, but we don't get a free pass for being arseholes. Yes, kids need understanding and different ways of doing things to grow up into an ND adult, but that doesn't mean there shouldn't be consequences.

This teen needs an assessment which unfortunately unless the op can afford to go private, will likely be stuck on a looooooooooong waiting list as I'm sure you're already aware.

I feel your pain and going through the exact thing with my son. In fact that's why I'm still up stewing and not in bed yet.

I didn't throw an iPad but feel like such a crap parent as I spend my whole time getting cross and upset and wearing everyone down. DS is in his A level year, cannot seem to get anywhere on time, can't stay on top of emails/Teams so keeps missing important college messages, predictive grades awful and does bugger all work wise at home or college (which is the bit that upsets me). Also very rude and antagonistic when I ask him to do anything. I'm worried he's about to get kicked out of college, but he thinks everything is fine. I'm sure he's ND, has slow processing and we're exploring an ADHD diagnosis.

This thread has been really helpful, if only to know I'm not alone! Really what I have to do is take a step back for all our sanity and let him learn from his mistakes. It's bloody difficult though, because I just want him to reach his full potential.

You aren’t a terrible parent! I was expecting far far far worse than what you’ve posted op!! I would take away the gaming. If he is under your roof, your rules. You need to be quite quick as he is nearing being a fully fledged adult. You could just let him fail but this is a very tricky road to follow imo. What does he want to do with his life? Any hopes/ambition at all?
Can you do some volunteering with him and show him what some people live like- he sounds like a. Typical teen in that he doesn’t appreciate what he’s got and doesn’t have any fear or perspective on his future. If he won’t respond well to you is there another adult who can take him under their wing- a god parent type or family friend, who could maybe offer some support? Even if it’s some time at their house helping them with a project or them helping him study or give him a change of scene for a few days with no gaming and in a house where he will be more respectful.
You clearly care a great deal and I definitely don’t think you are a terrible parent! I’m agonising for you just reading your post. My brother was so difficult as a teen that my parents bought him a one way ticket to Asia. I’m not even joking! He spent 3 years there in the end, working and travelling. Came home a young man! It was a bit all or nothing but I think they had tried being tough at home, tried killing with kindness and there were drugs involved etc and really they were out of ideas. This is why the letting him fail may work.. problem is if he’s still at home it’s still your problem. And then you’re at the end road immediately because the only serious leverage you’ve got is to throw him out and you obviously don’t want that at all so I wouldn’t let him fail too much whilst he’s still at home. Maybe sending him to a family friend or a place where he’s not too far but also not in his total comfort zone might help him As he’ll have to take some responsibility. I would also do some work with him about his future and what that will look like in various scenarios.. good luck to you Xx

You know I took the mick out of my mum and she had a meltdown like this one day- and cried because I never kept my room tidy. When I was a kid I felt like she was nagging and I literally couldn’t stand her voice because it always felt like something negative.
now I’m a mum, I really wish I had helped her, she had so much on her plate and I just felt like it was my godgiven right to be looked after in every way. I felt like it was her job to do everything for me. I can’t believe how selfish I was but I feel like there’s this bubble around us when we are teenagers- still kids but not adults and there’s a weird ground. Also I found stuff like that exhausting at that age and I dunno why.
anyway- here’s my suggestions
sit him down with his dad/ have a chat
make it short/ sweet/ he’s probably going to be grumpy but it is what it is
tell him to get an apprenticeship where he works and learns a trade
make him wash his pots- and put away whilst watching a film on his iPad - makes it go quicker and helps him learn to do his own chores
each week give him an extra task of his own to do- his laundry week 2
i say do this gradually- if you do it all at once he will fail and say sorry and you’ll end up carrying him through it
Absollutely no gaming until revision is done- he’s under 18- still a child - set a strict routine every damn day - 3pm-5pm revision
make sure you all stick to it
give positive feedback and credit where it’s due - reward even
reign it back in like he’s a toddler needing routine but needs to learn to be independent also
if all this fails- you have done enough as his mother.

Also he probably needed a little shock let’s be honest he’s been taking the p*ss out of you.

He needs an adhd/ASD assessment NOW. Hair on fire urgency. Do it OP. Do it. You won’t parent your way out of this unscarred otherwise.

He does sound to me like he could be neurodivergent. Like he is having problems with his executive function.

Please read about it. My son and DP are neurodivergent and it can be beyond frustrating if they're being time blind, forgetting to do things, losing items, appearing lazy because they're hyperfocused etc. But they have good intentions and don't mean to. I'd look into that if I were you.

Agree he needs an assessment. :(

It's okay for him to say he's going to be more independent etc, but with all the will in the world you can't improve executive dysfunction just with intent.