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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Does one buy one's teenage son condoms... or not?

116 replies

PooperScoop · 01/02/2008 13:49

Namechanged to protect the (hopefully still) innocent (that'll be DS )

He is nearly 16. He has a largish group of male and female friends from school. I know he has "been out with" at least one of them (a girl!) although doubt much has gone on but for snogging etc.

Now he is starting to get a bit more of a social life outside of school, with the same crowd. They're all nice kids and I like them. However, despite me not being allowed to know much these days, he has told me that he likes one of his female friends and the feeling is allegedly mutual.

I am aware that sex could happen at some stage soon.

DS, although popular and hangs with a "popular crowd" would never have the confidence to buy condoms; I would bet money on it. I know I don't know everything but I'm pretty sure of that.

But shouldn't he be in possession of some, just in case? Particularly as he is a young year 11 and most of his female friends are 16 already!

He would be mortified if I bought some and presented them to him though! And I certainly don't want to be seen to be condoning casual sex or anything of the kind. Nor rushing him into anything! But should it happen, I don't want it to, in the heat of the moment, without him using one. (He knows he needs to etc etc but doesn't take kindly to the sort of chats where I remind him of such things!)

What do people (well parents in my position) do?

OP posts:
barbarianoftheuniverse · 01/02/2008 20:06

Sorry if I have upset you PS. I have seen the cringe reaction but it was when he was taken to docs about spots. He couldn't bear to mention it. We all found that hard.

Original poster
PooperScoop · 01/02/2008 20:09

S'ok, you haven't upset me, sorry for snapping (at you and Helliebean) - I just didn't want to have come across as one of those parents who can't/won't discuss such things. I'm not like that at all, he just really really doesn't want to talk to ME about it.. it's a huge thing for him to imply that he likes a particular girl, I'm honoured to get that much!

(And it's been a rough day! )

OP posts:
sallystrawberry · 01/02/2008 20:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
PooperScoop · 01/02/2008 20:13

Yes, older same sex siblings are handy in this respect I imagine!

OP posts:
barbarianoftheuniverse · 01/02/2008 20:17

Yes it has been an awful day.
If ds and I didn't take an hour long car journey together every week I would hear much less. That's when he talks.
IMO it is 10times harder being a mother of youngish teen that any other age. DS is not shy (useful re condoms) but he is daft (not useful at all). I could tie them round his neck (wrong location) and not be sure he would use them. All we have done is make sure he knows where/how to get them.
I suppose the truly sensible thing to do would be to have warning instructions to all possible partners tattooed on his chest (and hope he takes his shirt off before any rash acts).

fletchaaarr · 01/02/2008 20:21

Barbarian - please can I nominate that for quote of the week?

dkdad · 01/02/2008 20:25

This is such a British thread - and I am British - I just live in Denmark these days. Where, parents believe it is their duty to take their hormonal teenage children, educate them, provide them with contraception, buy them a double bed, and let boy/girl friend sleep over.

And the resulting teenage pregnancy/STD statistics speak for themselves as a result.

No brainer in my book.

fletchaaarr · 01/02/2008 20:25

They have always just been available in our house (I went and got a coil and they gave me a big bag )

I have discussed it with him, and he knows where the supply is and where to get more, but I really do recognise the "cringe" reaction.

"awwwwwww mum, shut up"

He and his gf were really responsible and took themselves off to fp as a couple.

I would get some, let him know where they are (maybe in the car scenario mentioned before)

Original poster
PooperScoop · 01/02/2008 20:27

dkdad, say what? You are saying that educating them about risks of diseases and pregnancy.... results in disease and pregnancy??!

OP posts:
DoodleToYou · 01/02/2008 20:33

Message withdrawn

Original poster
PooperScoop · 01/02/2008 20:35

Oh Doodle what a wonderful dad who did a wonderful jon for both him and your mum! I bet she's watched over you both proudly

OP posts:
rantinghousewife · 01/02/2008 20:36

PS no, think dsdad was saying that coyness brings about a rise in teen pregnancy and STDs.

DoodleToYou · 01/02/2008 20:37

Message withdrawn

Original poster
PooperScoop · 01/02/2008 20:43

Sorry Doodle

Well ranting (or rather, dkDad), I am neither coy nor worried about him inpregnanting anyone being as he has a medical condition that has caused him to be infertile.

The problem is his reaction to talking to me about such things now the possibility of him needing condoms (which have often discussed in the past) is actually here.

I don't know.. I love MN and all but there are always people who seem to lurking waiting to judge when no judging is actually necessary. I do appreciate all the different constructive advice though.

OP posts:
rantinghousewife · 01/02/2008 20:46

PS, I don't think he was judging you personally. He was just making an observation or that's how I read it.

sallystrawberry · 01/02/2008 20:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sallystrawberry · 01/02/2008 20:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fletchaaarr · 01/02/2008 20:58

I also find that custy's suggestion of a chat when you are peeling potatoes works very well

You are busy and have to concentrate on your hands, and so it lessens the embarassment factor

rantinghousewife · 01/02/2008 21:04

That reminds me of that Seamus Heaney poem, Peeling Potatoes, although it wasn't about discussing sex with teens.

cadelaide · 01/02/2008 21:14

For you ranting...

When all the others were away at Mass
I was all hers as we peeled potatoes.
They broke the silence, let fall one by one
Like solder weeping off the soldering iron:
Cold comforts set between us, things to share
Gleaming in a bucket of clean water.
And again let fall. Little pleasant splashes
From each other?s work would bring us to our senses.

So while the parish priest at her bedside
Went hammer and tongs at the prayers for the dying
And some were responding and some crying
I remembered her head bent towards my head,
Her breath in mine, our fluent dipping knives ?
Never closer the whole rest of our lives.

chenin · 01/02/2008 21:15

Poooperscoop... I don't think for one minute you are a prude... honest!

It is maybe different with females cos they are much more open than boys... but I have always been the sort to engage mouth before brain! So I apologise if I have upset you

I appreciate what you have said that you have spoken to him about all the dangers etc.. and I would just go for it and give him the condoms. Hell... he is entitled to blush a bit and us parents were put on this earth to embarrass our kids for the right reasons, from time to time!

Good luck!

rantinghousewife · 01/02/2008 21:15

I love that poem, he wrote it for his mothers funereal, I think. Sure I read that somewhere.

Wisteria · 01/02/2008 21:17

Not read whole thread but 'yes please' please buy your son condoms; I have a teenage daughter!!

rantinghousewife · 01/02/2008 21:17

Thank you Cadelaide.

twelveyeargap · 01/02/2008 21:17

Sorry to hear about your son's condition PS. I do know what you mean about his reaction. I positively squirmed whenever my mum tried to speak to me about anything like this, and tbh, it's made me feel really, really awkward about trying to discuss it with my kids.

I think it's fab that you're being so responsible. I honestly just think that the possible shyness about getting condoms for himself is something he really has to deal with if he's going to take the step. I know there are tons of kids who don't even think of it and probably even more parents who don't give it a thought.

I just think that you saying to him, something along the lines of, "I know it's probably mortifying for you to to have me talk about this and the thought of going to get condoms for the first time might make you squirm, but it's really, really important that you do it, if you're planning to start a sexual relationship with someone." is the way to go, rather than stepping in and buying them for him.

TBH, it seems like a step too far, iyswim? Possibly that's because of the "prudishness" in myself that I've described above, but I'd like to think it's because I want to encourage my children to take responsibility for themselves, in things like this, once given the correct information.