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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Does one buy one's teenage son condoms... or not?

116 replies

PooperScoop · 01/02/2008 13:49

Namechanged to protect the (hopefully still) innocent (that'll be DS )

He is nearly 16. He has a largish group of male and female friends from school. I know he has "been out with" at least one of them (a girl!) although doubt much has gone on but for snogging etc.

Now he is starting to get a bit more of a social life outside of school, with the same crowd. They're all nice kids and I like them. However, despite me not being allowed to know much these days, he has told me that he likes one of his female friends and the feeling is allegedly mutual.

I am aware that sex could happen at some stage soon.

DS, although popular and hangs with a "popular crowd" would never have the confidence to buy condoms; I would bet money on it. I know I don't know everything but I'm pretty sure of that.

But shouldn't he be in possession of some, just in case? Particularly as he is a young year 11 and most of his female friends are 16 already!

He would be mortified if I bought some and presented them to him though! And I certainly don't want to be seen to be condoning casual sex or anything of the kind. Nor rushing him into anything! But should it happen, I don't want it to, in the heat of the moment, without him using one. (He knows he needs to etc etc but doesn't take kindly to the sort of chats where I remind him of such things!)

What do people (well parents in my position) do?

OP posts:
twelveyeargap · 01/02/2008 14:53

There are loads of places he can go for free condoms without you having to actually buy them for him. In our area there is a young people's drop in thing. Hang on let me see if I can find a link. [[http://www.4yp.co.uk/drop_in/index.html]

I think if he's going to take the step to have sex, he needs to understand that he has to be responsible enough to protect himself.

Going to a young-person only drop in, is completely different to having to walk up to the counter in Boots with condoms in your hand. Plus, there's the advantage of lots of information being available to him there. And the condoms will be free.

See if you can find anything like that in your area, get some leaflets or weblinks and just have a chat with him and say that you're not being nosy, but you want to make sure that he's aware these facilities exist and that you'd be very worried if he decided to have sex and not make use of the facilities available to him there.

Perhaps that's not to everyone's taste, but am strongly considering having a similar chat to my DD (almost 13) about the same thing soon.

Teenagers don't know they're born in this country with the free contraception. It's a crime they don't use it.

The advantage, imo, of doing something like this, is that you can be sure he has all the facts, but that you are neither condoning nor condemning his choices. Even if you were to hand him condoms, there's no guarantee he'd have them on him when the "moment" arrived and no guarantee he'd use them.

twelveyeargap · 01/02/2008 14:54

Sorry, link again Haringey 4YP

KerryMum · 01/02/2008 16:08

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KerryMum · 01/02/2008 16:09

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BroccoliSpears · 01/02/2008 16:17

I can see the appeal in skirting the issue and sneaking them to him.

I do think though that if a young adult is old enough to be sexually active, then they should be old enough to accept that contraception and protection are an important part of sex. Not embarrassing. Not sniggery. Just part of a responsible, active sex life.

I wonder if being open and matter of fact about it ("I got you these just in case, you can get more at x, y or z if and when you need to") might be more positive.

magnolia74 · 01/02/2008 16:33

Agree with Broccolispears

Troutpout · 01/02/2008 16:48

Agree with brocolli
My mum bought my brothers some. They also used to go to family planning with their mates to get more

StarlightMcKenzie · 01/02/2008 16:57

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LadyVictorianSqualor · 01/02/2008 17:15

I agree with Broccoli, surely you want him to know that he can come and talk to you about these things?
Just say to him 'I'm sure you know all about this stuff and I dont want to embarrass you or I by going into detail about it, but I am aware that around your age sexual desires start and I'd prefer you to be responsible, so I've boguht you these, if you don't need them fine, save them for when you do, but please be careful and I'm here if you ever want to chat about anything.'
Then leave it. If he wants to talk he will, if he doesnt he won't.

chenin · 01/02/2008 18:06

I am puzzled as to why you couldn't talk to him about it? Surely this is all part of growing up and TBH this could well be the chance to get him to open up to you about this sort of thing.

There might well come a time when he really does want some advice and if you have never ever mentioned the sex word, he is going to be somewhat reticent.

By the way I have two teens myself, albeit girls... and although I don't want to hear any detail or infringe on their privacy, I have no qualms of talking to my DDs about condoms etc. In fact if I remember rightly, when my DD1 had her first steady boyfriend I kept asking her if she was using condoms and if she needed me to get any. Incidentally, they get a lot free from all sorts of places.

You must be able to talk to your DS about this, even if he just grunts in reply!

BroccoliSpears · 01/02/2008 18:30
Original poster
PooperScoop · 01/02/2008 19:13

I am puzzled as to why anyone would think I HADN'T spoken to him about it; what sort of a crap mum do I come across as LOL! That's how he knows that condoms are needed when teenagers start having sex; I told himyears ago.

However, now the time is here or at least the possibility of it, he shys right away from any discussion of that kind. Which is why me giving him condoms doesn't greatly appeal. To me OR him I'm sure!. However I will do it of course. Or perhaps get DH to. I was just wanting advice on best way to go about it which I have received. Please don't assume (HellieBean) that I am some weird prude who can't speak to my children about such things.

OP posts:
Bluestocking · 01/02/2008 19:16

Dear PS, how thoughtful of you. My DS is only three so all this is ahead of me. I have an American friend who told me that as soon as her eldest son started to associate with a crowd that included girls, she bought a large supply of condoms and put them in a drawer of the bureau in the hall. She then mentioned very casually when driving him somewhere (so they weren't looking at each other) that if any of his friends ever needed a condom, that's where he would find them. All very neutral, all very calm.

seeker · 01/02/2008 19:33

I like bluestocking's friend's idea - and I will remember it for late use.6 year old Ds is lying next to me on a bean bag stark naked reading the Famous Five and my brain is fusing at the thought of him needing a condom-but as it feels only about 6 months ago that he was born, then presumably it will only feel about another 6 months hence that he is ....no sorry, brain fused again....

barbarianoftheuniverse · 01/02/2008 19:34

Head over parapet...

Surely if they are mature enough to have sex they are mature enough to go shopping. And what happens if you forget to provide the supply? "It's mummy's fault she packed my lunch and cleaned my shoes but she never bought the condoms."

If you really think your dss won't pick them up at school/sports club, any public loo, all the easy places, I suggest you take them to the supermarket and say "pick up that packet put it in this basket, take it to the checkout over there... there that's all there is to it."

(Ducks)

Original poster
PooperScoop · 01/02/2008 19:44

How old is your DS Barbarian?

OP posts:
barbarianoftheuniverse · 01/02/2008 19:45

15

barbarianoftheuniverse · 01/02/2008 19:45

Why?

barbarianoftheuniverse · 01/02/2008 19:53

I just think, hard as it is to let go, it is safer and kinder to teach them to tie their laces, cross a road, catch a bus, buy a packet of condoms that to do it for them. It is one of those uncomfortable jobs that you have to face. As a matter of fact in this house dh faced it not me, it will probably be me with dd in a few years time though.

But everyone has their own ways, and goodness knows I have made my fair share of mistakes.

Original poster
PooperScoop · 01/02/2008 19:55

To be honest I you seemed to be speaking as if you didn't have a clue about the possible complexities of the parent/teenager relationship when it comes to the nitty gritty of them beginning to have sex. Perhaps your DS is more casual about such things which must make things a lot easier. Mine visibly cringes when I attempt to "go there" now he's the age he is.

Was yours ok with you being that upfront with him about it in the supermarket?

OP posts:
rantinghousewife · 01/02/2008 19:56

Aren't they available at school though, ds's school has a nurse that dishes them out apparently.

sallystrawberry · 01/02/2008 19:57

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sallystrawberry · 01/02/2008 19:58

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barbarianoftheuniverse · 01/02/2008 20:02

I'm lucky then. DS is fairly open. Also he has a circle of friends who are pretty much the same. And also, since he was 10,11ish has chosen his own underwear, deoderant, shaving stuff (not that since he was 10!) and so perhaps not such a big step to chuck in a packet of condoms.

pinkteddy · 01/02/2008 20:03

My mum used to put condoms in db's pocket! She always denied all knowledge but he knew it was her! No idea whether he actually used them though.