Ungrateful teenagers - volunteering abroad

[Scouse568]

I have 3 teenagers 15, 16 and 17. Growing up we had very little and now life is much easier so we do go on nicer trips away and live pretty comfortably. Due to me working all hours to build my business to a great place. Recently though they have all started to act like they don't appreciate anything I do. We went on a weekend away recently to drop my daughter back to boarding school, we decided to make a trip of it and did a few things such as a stage show, laser tag, cinema and aquarium. At one time or another they all sulked/were rude about what we were doing and it really upset me. We met up with friends and the behaviour carried on which was super embarrassing.

We are due to be going to Florida with friends for Christmas (our first time in the US) I have been planning and saving for this trip for over a year and was so excited about it. But after their behaviour at the weekend I have called it off. The oldest seems to understand and has apologised for her part in this.
I have been considering a volunteer trip abroad to Kenya (I have been before to do this) at Christmas instead to maybe show them that not everyone has what they do. It seems now teenager need instant gratification or it's not good enough.

Has anyone else taken their teenagers abroad to volunteer? If so what impact did it have on them?

There are plenty of charities here that need help. For the reasons stated above I think going abroad to volunteer is viewed negatively these days.

My advice would be this. Take a step back. Allocate more hours to sleep and rest, if you have to work after 10:30 at night for prolonged periods, then something is going wrong.
There are things in life that can't be manipulated via opportunities. You can't create a relaxing environment by scheduling in 1hr free time here and there in the midst of a whirlwind of clubs and work and schooling etc. In the same way you can't "fix" ungrateful typical teenage behaviour with "volunteering".
Sometimes you have to stop doing things. You are showing your children what you believe in by how you structure family life. It sounds like you are a motivated and driven person, who is clearly able. That's great, and have also brought them through difficult times.
However you can't live more than one life at the same time. Your children are living the life they know, surrounded by the opportunities they are given. They are a product of themselves plus the environment in which they live.

Hi OP

teenagers can be ungrateful, ungracious sods from time to time, whether rich or poor. And at 15-17 yrs old I would expect family events, whether holidays or nights in with mum, to be quite far down the priority list.

from your posts it sounds like you believe that putting XYZ in should mean getting ABC out the other side. There are no guarantees in parenting or in life. You can do everything ‘right’ for them, and still produce grumpy, ungrateful teenagers.

it’s not your job to make them happy. it sounds like you are trying incredibly hard to do this, and getting upset when they don’t perform or react as you want them to. Are you trying to make up for a bad break up? An abusive marriage? when do you get time for your own interests, friends, hobbies, time for reflection? You are important too.

Have you left your friend out of pocket. I'd be furious at you for being so flakey abs cancelling a holiday for that reason.

Ah yes, teenagers are often ungrateful

Does not mean you should not pull them up on it, but yes normal

They may never show their gratitude, or even understand all you did for them, until they have kids

Yep teenagers are ungrateful and ungracious as the poster above has pointed out. That was even recorded by Homer in his writings. Twas ever thus.

You are working so hard in life OP with so much on your plate it seems like you feel the need to take over and fix everything.

Nice weekend, happy teenagers. Tick
Not nice teenagers, volunteering holiday.Tick

Life isn't like that.

Things don't always go to plan. You can't 'fix' them like that.

Deep breathes, step back. You are doing a great job. You sound like you've been through the mill.

There are some absolute know alls on here who would rather give you a lecture than a helping hand. Volunteerism, boarding schools, your mothering, your hours. You DON'T have to justify yourself.

Teenagers are teenagers. Keep plugging away. Maybe try and re instate the Florida Christmas.Explain your feelings.See what you can do locally.

Stick in there OP. Onwards and upwards.

Well firstly it’s possible to have plenty of money and kids who arent ungrateful brats, that’s generally down to parenting ( or lack of given that at least one of them is at Boarding school)
Secondly, it’s not fair to inflict them on poor Kenyans if your DC are that bad
Thirdly, maybe give them more time and less money?

What a NASTY post.
And what a know all to boot.
Have a lovely evening safe in the knowledge you've spread a bit of bad energy.

Both of my children were boarders at an Independent international school in the UK. Now they work in moderately paid jobs and are very entitled and resentful of what we have. In many ways boarding was excellent, they loved it - but the other side is that they never had to get a part time job, they were waited on at school, someone else washed, ironed and folded their clothes, food always available. Even more damaging they hung around with some very very rich people, particularly the foreign students, with all the latest iPhones and MacBooks, the girls with their Louboutins and the boys with eyewateringly expensive watches. Yes they were taught to treat each other equally, but it was clear that some of the pupils would never have to work or had trust funds, inheritances etc.
Then they leave their boarding school bubble with a view to becoming independent self- financing young people and well, life is quite shit for young people at the moment.
IMO the transition from boarding to real life is quite tough,particularly if you don’t go to university.

Sorry you are getting such a hard time. you sound like a wonderful parent and any judgment of you should be much more positive than what you are getting here. It seems to me that someone who can build a successful life alone and also invest so much time and energy into the attempt to produce fully rounded, decent human beings, is a good person. Your children will learn from your example. They will be fine. They always take their aggro. out on us. Your daughter already partly gets it and the others will hopefully follow. My 22 year old daughter says now "God, I was hard work, wasn't I?" All will be well.

@Scouse568 do not inflict your ungrateful children on the people of Kenya. There are plenty of poor people in the U.K. for them to volunteer with. The decision to go to Kenya smacks of white saviourism- the continent of Africa has had enough of that especially because it seems to help the white saviour at the expense of the the continent.

If you really wanted to do something useful research local charities and volunteer your kids money to those causes.

I'm sure that you already got the message OP. But the other thing about seeing poorer people in a poor country, is that teenagers would find it hard to relate to them and see their own life through that lens. In a very poor African country, life is so different that it's very 'other'. Poverty hits home much harder when it's 'someone like me'. So volunteering in a neighbouring town (out of their school catchment area for the sake of other teenagers' privacy) with those suffering deprivation, will bring home how privileged they are far more than being in a poor rural African community.

No need for a fancy christmas holiday to partake in foreign poverty get them down the homeless centre serving christmas dinner instead.

Please don't. Homelessness tourism is equally distasteful.

If you want to volunteer at a shelter, do it all the time.

Most teenagers go through an ungrateful stage. You just muddle through it and don't over indulge them. Reasonable to cancel the Xmas trip, though. No problem at all to get them doing a bit of volunteering.

Quite a few troll-y posts here, probably from people without teenagers!

You know that a Troll isn’t simply someone with a different opinion don’t you?

Your dc have clearly been through some trauma. All dc need security and constancy. Yours have lost that through something so need it more than most. You need to be that for them but instead, you are flouncing, cancelling holidays in a fit of pique, planning more holidays over Christmas (a time that is perfect for the comfort of cyclical tradition) which is only a few weeks away.
You are also martyring yourself through long hours and a weirdly fractured day which must be utterly exhausting and no doubt the stress of which is contributing to your, for want of a better word, volatility. Sort out your hours. They must have loads of schoolwork to do at their age so they don’t need several nights of tv night, movie night or games night. They need to know where the boundary of brattish behaviour is and what the consequences are (tip - it should be “don’t give me that attitude, you sound like a spoiled little oik. Go and tidy the garage/write the shopping list/clean the windows/revise for your exam”, not “I’m cancelling the holiday” because that sort of drama leaves them scrabbling about of shifting sands). Can they get themselves too and from school a few days a week so you can work through? Can you stop working at 10:30 at night or 5am in the morning and do a chunk on a weekend day instead? Can you outsource some of your work? Hire someone? It all sounds massively unsustainable.

@Scouse568

Have you cancelled this trip that you saved for a year for, and how does your friend feel about this?

Honestly I think people have piled on you for no good reason.

Based on your OP it doesn't sound your kids are that bad ? A bit of sulking sounds extremely standard for a teenager, even on a day out doing fun activities. I don't think anyone can conclude from that alone that your kids are spoilt and entitled. I think people just got rubbed the wrong way about the volunteer idea and gave some bitchy replies as a result.

I don't think you should have cancelled the us trips. You punished yourself as you were so excited about it, not to mention your friends, and that was a bit of an overreaction after a bit of teenage sulking (unless there was more to their behaviour ? Or is it a recurring thing ?)

I would un-cancel the trip if at all possible.

Re your kids behaviour, you could talk to them and maybe suggest you all volunteer locally, that's a good opportunity to bond in addition to helping someone. I wouldn't suggest minors volunteer at a homeless shelter though. Maybe some organisation to help young kids from poor background with their homework, or volunteering at an animal shelter ? Why not ask them and get them to research good volunteering opoortunities ? Get them involved in the whole process.

But yeah I don't think the trip to Kenya is a good idea, for all sorts of reasons that have already been mentioned so I won't repeat them.

Anyway, don't beat yourself up. Many teenagers are ungrateful and entitled but they don't necessarily grow into ungrateful and entitled adults.