Ungrateful teenagers - volunteering abroad

[Scouse568]

I have 3 teenagers 15, 16 and 17. Growing up we had very little and now life is much easier so we do go on nicer trips away and live pretty comfortably. Due to me working all hours to build my business to a great place. Recently though they have all started to act like they don't appreciate anything I do. We went on a weekend away recently to drop my daughter back to boarding school, we decided to make a trip of it and did a few things such as a stage show, laser tag, cinema and aquarium. At one time or another they all sulked/were rude about what we were doing and it really upset me. We met up with friends and the behaviour carried on which was super embarrassing.

We are due to be going to Florida with friends for Christmas (our first time in the US) I have been planning and saving for this trip for over a year and was so excited about it. But after their behaviour at the weekend I have called it off. The oldest seems to understand and has apologised for her part in this.
I have been considering a volunteer trip abroad to Kenya (I have been before to do this) at Christmas instead to maybe show them that not everyone has what they do. It seems now teenager need instant gratification or it's not good enough.

Has anyone else taken their teenagers abroad to volunteer? If so what impact did it have on them?

I work from 5am till the school run 3 hours?, then all day until pick up 6 hours?and spend all afternoon/evening with them. Then start work again at about 10.30pm. til what time?

Sounds really hard work

most nights till 1.30/2am

Honestly I would do something closer to home, think soup kitchen on Xmas day. Kenya volunteering sounds like a fabulous holiday and are actually an ethical minefield (research voluntarism). Hardly setting the example to be selfless! Have you sat down with them, discussed their behaviour and how it made you feel? I'd suggest doing that first and taking it from there.

Do you have kids? Working 11/12 hours a day plus being mum and dad is really hard work!

I think you're getting a hard time and I know where you're coming from as my kids are in a similar position.

Mine have done D of E - my son did a year's worth of volunteering for his gold which was good in terms of giving back. But it didn't really address the privilege point you mention as he ended up helping in our local community which frankly are privileged themselves (opportunities at that time were limited due to the pandemic).

I wouldn't say my son lacked gratitude but working at the local pub has taught him the value of money (his tip one evening was a whole 50 pence..). He's just started Uni so has stopped squandering £20 on nothing as he realises it takes him three hours to earn. So it's been a good lesson in that way.

I did say it’s unnecessary in the vast majority of cases and that I’m against boarding schools apart from in very unusual circumstances

For god sake. Have you considered that maybe your teenagers are modelling your behaviour? Flouncing because you don’t get the response you want.

I have been a single parent to 2 kids. Both who have had some trauma related to their father. Occasionally, one or both can be a bit arsey. It’s part of being a teenage and part of testing boundries, learning how to deal with situations where they are unhappy or feeling out of sorts.

The solution isn’t to ship them abroad and hope the poor people in another country can sort them out.

Their behaviour doesn’t even seem to be that bad. I get it, you planned and looked forward to this. But that doesn’t mean it was of similar importance to them. You are disappointed. But this is a huge over reaction and a pointless exercise. If this is how you react to small things not going as you want, that’s what they see.

The UK is in the toilet. They could do lots of volunteering here if you think that’s what’s needed.

This^^ you might also want to look at "no white saviours" for a different perspective and consider that going abroad to volunteer for this reason can actually be harmful in some respects.

Teenage years are hard and they can struggle to regulate themselves so it's up to you to maintain clear and consistent boundaries while giving lots of reassurance and encouragement. I'm not sure I would have cancelled such a big trip after a bad weekend but I would have called them out on it and would be considering other things like getting them part time jobs, getting them to do household chores and there would be other more immediate consequences eg no phone for x amount of time.

I think your being too hard on yourself and the kids.
Teenagers can be complete dicks. I used to dread some weekends as teen mood dependent determined how much enjoyment we would all have!
They often appeared ungrateful.

However all now young adults and all super lovely. Really have grown into thoughtful, kind people.

It's a phase. Just keep reiterating what your expectations are of their behaviour. That and a good friend to offload to!

Also I would question how much you're being present with your kids. I'm not trying to blame you for working hard and providing - that's great you've done so well. But you say you are mum and dad so maybe you need to look at your work schedule to see can any of it be delegated/passed on to an assistant so you can have more time where you're fully at home rather than trying to juggle so much because that's bound to be hard and you're bound to feel burnt out which will affect your patience with them.

Stop giving them nice things and make them get part time jobs - sending them on a nice trip to make themselves and you feel better without much of a impact isn’t really helping - or volunteer at homeless shelters here, plent opportunity for that in uk

Hahhaha Kenya believe it

Don't take them to volunteer in Africa. Get them volunteering in the UK. Plenty of opportunities around.

No to white saviours
No to exploitation

Maybe yes to volunteering in the local or nearby community.

You sound like a lovely parent and they are lucky to have you.

As others have said, this ingratitude is usually typical when teenagers go through the uncertainty/anxiety that's prevalent in late adolescence. It nearly always wears off as they become more settled.
A different approach might be a part time job in a customer facing role in a cafe/bar/shop. Dealing with stroppy, ungrateful customers can open one's eyes as to what it's like to be on the receiving end of crap behaviour.

And in the run up to Christmas it has the added bonus of getting them some extra cash/life skills, etc. Having been featherbedded into a privileged education/life with constant travel enrichment, etc, is rarely enough on its own, nowadays, to make one stand out as a rounded future employee.
I've nothing against boarding schools, per se. IMO they can offer tremendous support/facilities. My own children, whom have experienced short stays in the latter, due to courses for extracurricular, begged us to send them to one! Sadly, not an option but I would have loved to have been able to do it! . I think it's tremendous OP, that you are working your socks off to give them a great start in life.

I agree with this. Volunteering holidays are just a big jolly for the people taking part. When I was in sixth form Raleigh International was all the rage for gap years. Several of my friends raised thousands of pounds to cover the cost of sending them to various African countries. It was basically a very expensive holiday and the Africans would almost certainly have preferred the money rather than some spoiled British teenager attempting to teach them English or “building a school” or whatever else they claimed to do whilst they were there.

Spoiled entitled teenagers going to poor countries for a gawk?
Then coming home and telling everyone they “volunteered”?
Do people still do this?

If so, while you’re at it, get them to go door to door to ask people to sponsor their parachute jump in aid of Kenya. All money left over after your teens have done their jump will go towards their fares/hotel costs so that they can volunteer to visit Kenya.

Cross post with @OperaStation

I wouldn't bother explaining yourself tbh.
Mumsnet is full of judgey people with their opinions on matters they know absolutely nothing about x

😂

@Prescottdanni123 it's a long article, the first part is about orphanages but then it goes on to voluntourism in general, e.g. "Many organisations offer volunteers the chance to dig wells, build schools and do other construction projects in poor villages. It’s easy to understand why it’s done this way: if a charity hired locals for its unskilled work, it would be spending money. If it uses volunteers who pay to be there, it’s raising money.

But the last thing a Guatemalan highland village needs is imported unskilled labour. People are desperate for jobs. Public works serve the community better and last longer when locals do them. Besides, long-term change happens when people can solve their own problems, rather than having things done for them."

I think the answer to this is spending more quality time with them, finding out about them as indviduals and what they want, and help them with their emotional needs. They are probably acting out as they get to spend so little time with you now. In a way, they may have preferred life when they were little and had nothing, but you were emotionally and physically available for them.

Yes I have kids, my 15-20 year olds dont want to spend their evenings with me (as nice as I am!)

If they are given less, have to work a bit, they appreciate more. Stop shelling out for days away. It's a waste of time & money. And the expensive holidays too. Really not worth it.

Don't send the kids to Kenya, really bad idea.

There are food banks, charity shops, sports clubs, day centres...all kinds of things your kids could volunteer for in the UK.

THIS.

Can't buy love or respect with money.
Time spent with kids is the most valuable thing.
Attention.