Ungrateful teenagers - volunteering abroad

[Scouse568]

I have 3 teenagers 15, 16 and 17. Growing up we had very little and now life is much easier so we do go on nicer trips away and live pretty comfortably. Due to me working all hours to build my business to a great place. Recently though they have all started to act like they don't appreciate anything I do. We went on a weekend away recently to drop my daughter back to boarding school, we decided to make a trip of it and did a few things such as a stage show, laser tag, cinema and aquarium. At one time or another they all sulked/were rude about what we were doing and it really upset me. We met up with friends and the behaviour carried on which was super embarrassing.

We are due to be going to Florida with friends for Christmas (our first time in the US) I have been planning and saving for this trip for over a year and was so excited about it. But after their behaviour at the weekend I have called it off. The oldest seems to understand and has apologised for her part in this.
I have been considering a volunteer trip abroad to Kenya (I have been before to do this) at Christmas instead to maybe show them that not everyone has what they do. It seems now teenager need instant gratification or it's not good enough.

Has anyone else taken their teenagers abroad to volunteer? If so what impact did it have on them?

Is it not more likely that they are just at the age where they want to branch out from their parents a bit and not do so much together? I get that it's not easy but it's a pretty standard stage and I'm not sure enforced volunteering will help, you've just got to wait it out.

I do volunteer with my kids at home but as they are under 18 it is limited to what they can do.

They all have jobs and their own money. Christmas and birthdays I spoil them.

going to delete this now as has honestly just made me feel worse

Why not take them to a food bank instead to gawp at all the poor people?

Much the same. I travel to a very poor African country regularly, and the groups of teenagers that I've come across there on 'volunteering' gigs for a fortnight, have been insufferable. They seemed to actively do harm rather than help, and they all seemed to think they were bloody Mother Teresa. I can only imagine how full of themselves they are when they get home.

First time on Mumsnet?

Sorry doesn’t work like that.

A trip to Kenyan to patronise the poor people is a terrible idea. If you are serious about volunteering, their is plenty opportunity in this country, even for under 18s. An example near us is a project for young people with learning disabilities, which takes on younger volunteers to help them participate in activities - art, craft and music type stuff. Befriending the elderly, visiting care homes - it may be a bit more work than forking out for the volunteer experience abroad, but it may also genuinely benefit some vulnerable people - which voluntourism doesn't.

I don't think OP deserves all the flack she's getting. Taking them to Kenya is a poor idea, but at least we have a mother here who's calling her kids out on their behaviour and recognising her part in it. Let's give her some credit for that.

Agree with others that you should get them to volunteer in your locality. I'm sure you'll find plenty of examples of how others are less fortunate than they are in order to teach them to be more grateful. No need to put them on a plane to do it. In fact, donate the cost of the flights to the Food Bank instead - much better use of your spare cash in this current climate.

This. Africa isn't a theme park to teach your children about poor unfortunates.

When I worked in shelters, every bloody Christmas they'd be some White Privilege Barbie Family coming down to teach their children the true meaning of Christmas. It was grotesque.

Come down in February with socks and blankets. To do something useful rather than feel good about yourselves.

Sorry, rant over, this just makes me feel all dirty and horrible for the lovely people in Kenya. Who are perfectly capable of doing anything for themselves that three, entitled teenagers from the UK can do. Sorry clearly rant not over.

OP I understand your thought process! I wonder whether going somewhere so far away from home (physically and in terms of culture) would trigger the desired empathetic response. Sometimes people (especially teenagers I imagine) are so detached from the poverty in other countries as everything about the way of life and the people is so different. It may be more beneficial to volunteer closer to home somehow, as its only human nature to be able to relate and empathise to people more like yourself. Maybe that will help them to understand how lucky and fortunate they are.

Poor people aren't there for the rich to be used as a life lesson

And why Kenya? Why not make them volunteer in Gosport or Mile End

Or maybe take them to a supermarket, don't know why but you have to start somewhere, so Start there. Pretend you have no money...

Pretend you have no money...

Fuck. Now I have an ear worm. BTW Jarvis Cocker, delightful IRL. Lovely bloke. Only met him once though, possibly on a good day!

Fucking hell you want to use poor people to teach your rich kids about privilege? They're not props in your stage show for wealthy people. They're actually also people, with lives.

Maybe if you hadn't spoilt your kids with material things theyd appreciate you more.

OP, have you sat them down and asked them what's going on - and then kept schtum and listened?
One thing that leapt out at me from your post is that you and the DC don't seem to have much time to spend together just "normal life" wise. Is that actually the way you want it to be?
It's true that teenagers want to spread their wings and go out with friends, yes, but those daily moments together, chatting while clearing up after dinner or driving them somewhere or just having tea and biscuits during homework, they are so important.

Tricky, as teens often don't consciously know what they want. But they can act up when they're given something else as a substitute. I know I did!

Christ some of the messages on here!
Some really unpleasant, nasty fuckers commenting on here!
OP my daughter is nearly 18, attends a private school, me and her dad spoil her to bits.
But she did go through a really bad phase when younger, where she was a moody little cow.
Now she's older she's lovely again, and very grateful for everything.
I personally wouldn't take them to Kenya, let them come through this phase and they'll go back to being "normal" human beings again soon enough!
By the way I think you sound absolutely lovely, ignore all the dick comments on here xxxxx

Voluntourism causes many issues, with very little positives for the organisation you are supposed to be helping (the winners are the middlemen placing the volunteers). If you want to help raise money in the U.K. and send it to local project workers in country, hiring competent bricklayers for instance helps the local economy and the building is less likely to fall down (yes I personally know of 2 buildings built by well meaning untrained volunteers which were condemned, obviously if you are a trained builder this doesn't apply!)

Don’t think voluntourism is the answer, it would be better to make them volunteer in, say, a foodbank over the Christmas holidays, or get Christmas jobs in demanding environments like retail.

So boarding school parents aren't proper parents?
What a nasty post.
You sound like an absolute peach.

Encourage them to find a job or volunteering close to home weekly. It will teach them more long term.

But honestly... its likely to be hormones. I look back at how grumpy and sulky I was a teenager with horror and I want too bad!

Thank you, I honestly try my best on my own with them.
I work really hard but that doesn’t mean I don’t spend time with my kids. I work from 5am till the school run, then all day until pick up and spend all afternoon/evening with them. Then start work again at about 10.30pm. My kids are my whole life, I just want them to go out into the world and be decent grounded people with a good value set who are kind.
I am honestly trying by best to be mum and dad, deal with trauma and give them as much support as possible. I was very upset this weekend because I was looking forward to some time all together. I thought doing things (maybe spoiling them) meant we would get some quality time together with no phones.
no wonder parents struggle alone if this is the support out there. Why am I not allowed to struggle too? I go a huge amount for my community and because I have connections in Kenya and given the impact it made on me it was just an idea I had.
Please be kind, life is hard enough

People have articulated so well why rich people volunteering in developing countries for ‘the experience’ is so problematic.

I know of a highly ranked private school that does trips to Africa to build schools etc. It would be so much better to send the £1000’s raised (to pay for flights/hotels/food etc) directly to organisations that can train local people, buy materials and provide jobs and more long term benefits.