Ungrateful teenagers - volunteering abroad

[Scouse568]

I have 3 teenagers 15, 16 and 17. Growing up we had very little and now life is much easier so we do go on nicer trips away and live pretty comfortably. Due to me working all hours to build my business to a great place. Recently though they have all started to act like they don't appreciate anything I do. We went on a weekend away recently to drop my daughter back to boarding school, we decided to make a trip of it and did a few things such as a stage show, laser tag, cinema and aquarium. At one time or another they all sulked/were rude about what we were doing and it really upset me. We met up with friends and the behaviour carried on which was super embarrassing.

We are due to be going to Florida with friends for Christmas (our first time in the US) I have been planning and saving for this trip for over a year and was so excited about it. But after their behaviour at the weekend I have called it off. The oldest seems to understand and has apologised for her part in this.
I have been considering a volunteer trip abroad to Kenya (I have been before to do this) at Christmas instead to maybe show them that not everyone has what they do. It seems now teenager need instant gratification or it's not good enough.

Has anyone else taken their teenagers abroad to volunteer? If so what impact did it have on them?

Thank you, I honestly try my best on my own with them.
I work really hard but that doesn’t mean I don’t spend time with my kids. I work from 5am till the school run, then all day until pick up and spend all afternoon/evening with them. Then start work again at about 10.30pm. My kids are my whole life, I just want them to go out into the world and be decent grounded people with a good value set who are kind.
I am honestly trying by best to be mum and dad, deal with trauma and give them as much support as possible. I was very upset this weekend because I was looking forward to some time all together. I thought doing things (maybe spoiling them) meant we would get some quality time together with no phones.
no wonder parents struggle alone if this is the support out there. Why am I not allowed to struggle too? I go a huge amount for my community and because I have connections in Kenya and given the impact it made on me it was just an idea I had.
Please be kind, life is hard enough

Sorry you’re getting a hard time here. Good to hear that your eldest gets it and has apologised.
Yes the Kenya thing is not a good idea - they already know that poverty and deprivation exist.
Best thing is probably to call them out strongly if there’s a hint of this kind of behaviour in future and deny them favours if they can’t be civil - as you did after that weekend.

Thank you, I honestly try my best on my own with them. I needed to hear that I am no alone.
I work really hard but that doesn’t mean I don’t spend time with my kids. I work from 5am till the school run, then all day until pick up and spend all afternoon/evening with them. Then start work again at about 10.30pm. My kids are my whole life, I just want them to go out into the world and be decent grounded people with a good value set who are kind.
I am honestly trying by best to be mum and dad, deal with trauma and give them as much support as possible. I was very upset this weekend because I was looking forward to some time all together. I thought doing things (maybe spoiling them) meant we would get some quality time together with no phones.
no wonder parents struggle alone if this is the support out there. Why am I not allowed to struggle too? I go a huge amount for my community and because I have connections in Kenya and given the impact it made on me it was just an idea I had.
Please be kind, life is hard enough

Thank you, I honestly try my best on my own with them. I needed to hear that I am no alone.
I work really hard but that doesn’t mean I don’t spend time with my kids. I work from 5am till the school run, then all day until pick up and spend all afternoon/evening with them. Then start work again at about 10.30pm. My kids are my whole life, I just want them to go out into the world and be decent grounded people with a good value set who are kind.
I am honestly trying by best to be mum and dad, deal with trauma and give them as much support as possible. I was very upset this weekend because I was looking forward to some time all together. I thought doing things (maybe spoiling them) meant we would get some quality time together with no phones.
no wonder parents struggle alone if this is the support out there. Why am I not allowed to struggle too? I go a huge amount for my community and because I have connections in Kenya and given the impact it made on me it was just an idea I had.
Please be kind, life is hard enough

Thank you, I honestly try my best on my own with them. I needed to hear that I am no alone.
I work really hard but that doesn’t mean I don’t spend time with my kids. I work from 5am till the school run, then all day until pick up and spend all afternoon/evening with them. Then start work again at about 10.30pm. My kids are my whole life, I just want them to go out into the world and be decent grounded people with a good value set who are kind.
I am honestly trying by best to be mum and dad, deal with trauma and give them as much support as possible. I was very upset this weekend because I was looking forward to some time all together. I thought doing things (maybe spoiling them) meant we would get some quality time together with no phones.
no wonder parents struggle alone if this is the support out there. Why am I not allowed to struggle too? I go a huge amount for my community and because I have connections in Kenya and given the impact it made on me it was just an idea I had.
Please be kind, life is hard enough

Thank you, I honestly try my best on my own with them. I needed to hear that I am no alone.
I work really hard but that doesn’t mean I don’t spend time with my kids. I work from 5am till the school run, then all day until pick up and spend all afternoon/evening with them. Then start work again at about 10.30pm. My kids are my whole life, I just want them to go out into the world and be decent grounded people with a good value set who are kind.
I am honestly trying by best to be mum and dad, deal with trauma and give them as much support as possible. I was very upset this weekend because I was looking forward to some time all together. I thought doing things (maybe spoiling them) meant we would get some quality time together with no phones.
no wonder parents struggle alone if this is the support out there. Why am I not allowed to struggle too? I go a huge amount for my community and because I have connections in Kenya and given the impact it made on me it was just an idea I had.
Please be kind, life is hard enough

They sound like normal ungrateful teenagers to me. Most teenagers I know think the World revolves around them.

I highly doubt changing the trip to a volunteer trip is going to be transformative for them.

Perhaps try having a mature conversation with them and explain how their behaviour isn't acceptable but I think you're also being a bit unreasonable with your expectations.

Also a bit confused how you say you spend all this time with them but at least one is in boarding school... Perhaps there is some resentment there.

Did all three go to boarding school?

Boarding school is outsourcing parenting.
In the majority of cases it’s completely unnecessary.
I am very anti boarding school except in a small number of unusual circumstances and I make absolutely no apology for that

@tribpot

That link only mentions orphanages. There are plenty of other worthwhile volunteering trips that you can do abroad.

OP, I did a volunteering project with wildlife in Kenya this summer. A couple of other volunteers brought along their teenage kids. It was obvious that the parents had roped the kids into it and they were bored, sulked, didn't really contribute much and got the other volunteers backs up. I'm not saying that teenagers can't go on the projects and enjoy them, but in my opinion, they have to want it for themselves and know what it is going to entail.

We have friends who always travelled first class to 5 star hotels with their teenagers .
On one occasion they booked a 4 star hotel the eldest was heard sneering ohh it's only 4 star.
....My friend bought a caravan and 5 star became a thing a of the past .

I can understand your frustrations op, personally Kenya sounds quite intriguing.

No the other two are at a private school locally, so each have been given similar opportunities. I travel up to see my daughter at weekends and we FaceTime every night.
boarding school isn’t a way of pushing her away, it was a way of getting her the support and help she needed. I work from home too so am around all the time.
I get involved with all their activities, I am on the PTA and involved in their school, we cook together and have dinner together most nights. We have a games evening or movie night. We watch tv series together, we go to the gym together. I really do try to give them my time as much as I can.
When they were young we had nothing so they have not always had the luxury of being comfortable. That’s why I don’t understand it, they get pocket money (£15) each week if their chores are done. If I spoil them it’s with experiences rather than material things. I get Kenya might have been a bad suggestion but I was thinking of some way to help. Clearly got it wrong

I massively disagree that Boarding school is outsourcing parenting. My daughter was in a deep depression due to trauma/police investigations/court cases and as much as I tried to help her I couldn’t do enough. The counselling services locally weren’t consistent or specialised enough to help. I had to think as my family as a whole and spending 24/7 with one was negatively impacting the other two.
my daughter wanted to go and have a fresh start, she is in the middle of the countryside, has counsellors available everyday those are expertise I don’t have. Don’t judge until you are in that situation

I would send them to work with children with disabilities or the elderly. No need to go abroad - plenty of places at home they can go and help, and it will help them realise how lucky they are.

You are not a failure. You have tried to do your best for your children and you are a good parent because you're seeing where they are lacking in their approach towards you and life, gratitude.

Please ignore the nasty replies on here.

I would have honest discussions with them and begin by sanctioning their luxuries at home. I'd perhaps also look closers to home in terms of helping people. Elderly relatives, community work and even helping one another and you around the house.

All you can do OP is talk to them, offer alternatives and make sure you don't backtrack. They are all old enough to make their choices, you can't guilt them into being grateful by taking them to see poverty in Kenya.

Rule number one- never call your own children spoilt on Mumsnet unless you’re prepared to have 500 strangers who’ve never met them slag them off and call you a shit parent

You don't need to justify your family setup. Entitled children exist everywhere, especially in this day and age. Stop being so very hard on yourself and recognise that they are actively making decisions to be how they are. They're not toddlers. Please don't take it all on personally.

I reiterate, communicate, offer opportunities to make them more caring and grounded and then step back. Do not offer trips, excessive gifts or rewards. You could this year for Christmas half their budget and tell them you're using the rest donate food to food banks. They only have to read the news to know that there are children not able to eat well, stay warm and have a stable home life in our own country.

Maybe try to get them volunteering with animals if they aren’t interested in helping people? Will any of them sign up for D of E? That has a volunteering section and as we are at the start of the year, it could be a possibility. As your dc’s are in private school, it’s pretty likely this is offered.

Your kids might turn around and thank you for all your hard work and effort later in life when they have their own kids. Parenting is ultimately a thankless task and teenagers sulk and are rude at times, that’s all very normal. You have built a great life for them but you can’t expect them to empathise with your view of it all, they just aren’t grown up enough yet.

That's £2160.00 over 12 months for the 3 of them. Is it worth it?

I've never linked their contributions at home to getting pocket money. It's their home too, they will keep it tidy and respect it.

You are trying to help them, that is more than a lot of parents are prepared to do.

Further to my last post, this is the Duke of Edinburgh website for details. Probably better to do something like this as it is little and often and build up a skill set rather than a full on trip to Kenya. www.dofe.org

You mentioned you've spoken with the eldest and she acknowledged the issues, recognised her part in them, and apologised. Has she told you WHY the thinks the problems occurred, and how she (and you) might help to prevent them in the future? What about the other two children; have you spoken about the disaterous trip with them? I'd do that first and listen to what they say in detail before trying to find a specific one-shot solution or improvement or wake-up call like a volunteering trip.

It sounds like you planned a trip that looks like a series of treats, but is that what they wanted? Were all three involved in picking a location and planning and choosing the activities? Was there an opportunity to split up if they wanted different things, or just a plan for the day they had to follow? Did they all actually want to go on the trip at all? Sometimes at those ages a teen will have a completely different view, for example wanting to stay home so as not to be separated from friends, a boyfriend/girlfriend, or whatever activities may be going on locally during the break. Is it possible one or more of them felt that way? How did they react to the Florida trip being cancelled? It may be that they just want completely different things than you do at this specific stage. Which doesn't mean they should be rude to you, each other, or the friends you visited, but may help explain why they weren't more grateful.

Well I think they must have been pretty awful for you to call off a trip overseas which presumably you've paid a deposit for and will lose. However, I'd also ask if they are just being ungrateful hormonal teens or particularly bad.

But I think sending them to Kenya is a bit of an over the top punishment. I would have hated it and I would hate it now. And the people in Kenya would probably they were being punished having unskilled and moany British teenagers sent over to them.

As a pp said, if you think they need to learn a bit of humility, there are plenty of options in the UK - and probably more suitable - projects overseas won't take inconsiderate teens anyway, but there may be things they can do in the UK which will open their eyes a bit and stop them moaning so much - maybe volunteering at food banks or litter picking?

DofE is always good. My son's school also did a DofE lite with some work experience, volunteering and pursuing a hobby. You could also get them up early each Saturday morning to volunteer at a parkrun if you have one near you, for example.