Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Am I too strict.

79 replies

VivsMum · 30/10/2022 00:13

My daughter has just turned 15. I think think I’m a reasonable Mum. I have brought my 2 children up by myself & they have been raised well. They are kind, clever, free spirited & mostly happy (they are teens after all). If my daughter is invited to a party or a sleepover I always ask for the parents number so I can WhatsApp & check that all is as it should be & they are happy for my daughter to be there. But other than one other friend I am the only parent that seems to do this. My daughter had a party at our house. They were allowed to bring some cider & have music loud etc & she had 14 friends over but not 1 single parent contacted me. I find this odd.. maybe I just remember how I was at that age ie sly & too big for my boots but I want to know where my daughter is. Tonight when a parent didn’t get back to me I said that she couldn’t go to a last minute party’. We have had trust issues in the past so I have an app on her phone so I know here she is at all times. But she is 15! I don’t think this is unreasonable. I’d be really interested to hear what you guys think. We are UK based btw. I have stopped my daughter from associating with certain kids before because I don’t want her falling in with crowds that smoke weed etc. it turns out that one kid I stopped her from seeing when she was 12 was recently stabbed.. so I think that kind of proves my point. We are very close & she does confide in me a lot but I do think she is embarrassed & annoyed with me sometimes. No other parents seem to care like I do. Can you advise please? Thank you!

OP posts:
Pumpkinpatchlookinggood · 30/10/2022 00:19

You allow under age drinking? Pretty shoddy parenting imo.
How is weed worse than alcohol?

Bookishish · 30/10/2022 00:21

No other parents seem to care like I do.

YABU to suggest other parents don’t care. Different people make different judgments about what’s appropriate at what age. After all, presumably you won’t be doing this stuff when she’s 20, but that won’t be because you don’t care.

My approach is similar to yours. I wouldn’t have stopped her going to a party just because the other mum hadn’t got back in touch however- seems a bit rough on your daughter.

What are the trust issues you mention?

PimmsOfCourse · 30/10/2022 00:26

I'd be the same as you but unimpressed that you are allowing underage drinking at your house .
Wouldn't want my dc to go to yours

Bookishish · 30/10/2022 00:30

Agree that 15 is very young for a parent to provide alcohol.

Luredbyapomegranate · 30/10/2022 00:33

I would check w parents too, but I wouldn’t refuse as a one off if a parent didn’t get back. If you’re dropping her off / know where she is, that seems excessively paranoid.

I’m guessing the other parents are more familiar with the friendship group than you, and think if they’re moving around as a pack it’s pretty fine. I’d be surprised more of them didn’t contact me too, but on the other hand, there are people who’d be outraged you provided cider.. it doesn’t make you a bad parent, but neither does them being more relaxed about where their kids are - they could be leaving home next year after all..

SugarNspices · 30/10/2022 00:34

You aren't strict. You allow underage drinking in your house and complain no parents checks if this is ok 🤔

Sharming · 30/10/2022 00:57

I think your approach sounds very sensible - you're allowing a little bit of alcohol in a controlled environment. Let's be honest - we all did it at that age, and the kids are going to drink alcohol - far better for it to be somewhere safe where you can keep an eye on them.

As for your policy of messaging the parents - I think that's perfectly sensible. Kids are sneaky, and there's nothing wrong with checking up on them. I'd do the same - and likely will when my DCs reach that age.

Intru · 30/10/2022 01:04

Sharming · 30/10/2022 00:57

I think your approach sounds very sensible - you're allowing a little bit of alcohol in a controlled environment. Let's be honest - we all did it at that age, and the kids are going to drink alcohol - far better for it to be somewhere safe where you can keep an eye on them.

As for your policy of messaging the parents - I think that's perfectly sensible. Kids are sneaky, and there's nothing wrong with checking up on them. I'd do the same - and likely will when my DCs reach that age.

Allowing other people’s children to drink without discussing it with their parents doesn’t sound sensible, it sounds pretty irresponsible.

Tukmgru · 30/10/2022 01:10

Pumpkinpatchlookinggood · 30/10/2022 00:19

You allow under age drinking? Pretty shoddy parenting imo.
How is weed worse than alcohol?

@Pumpkinpatchlookinggood oh bore off. If you don’t let them do these things safely they’ll just do them behind your back and likely much more dangerously. Kids drink sometimes under age, and get up to all sorts, even if you want to pretend they don’t.

DiamanteDelia · 30/10/2022 01:40

Giving other people’s kids alcohol at 15 isn’t usual or ok though. You can of course allow what you want for your own kids but the fact the parents haven’t got in touch is not a reason to assume they’d be ok with you giving their kids booze. DD is this age and it’s definitely not the norm.

crossstitchingnana · 30/10/2022 01:44

My dd went to a party at 14 and I found out later they'd been given booze. I was furious. If I'd have known I wouldn't have let her go.

Intru · 30/10/2022 01:47

Tukmgru · 30/10/2022 01:10

@Pumpkinpatchlookinggood oh bore off. If you don’t let them do these things safely they’ll just do them behind your back and likely much more dangerously. Kids drink sometimes under age, and get up to all sorts, even if you want to pretend they don’t.

Show quote history

So that’s an excuse for allowing other people’s children to drink in your home without discussing it with their parents?

LondonQueen · 30/10/2022 01:47

You sound a bit unbalanced if your approach, you will let her drink underage but stop her being associated with anyone who smokes weed, and you didn't let her go to a last minute party as you didn't hear back from the parents, despite the fact you can track her phone. You need to learn to trust your daughter.

Macaroni1924 · 30/10/2022 01:52

I would be the same personally and that’s how my mum was, she always checked with the other parents first. However I wouldn’t have let children come and drink in my house without confirmation that their parents were happy with that. I understand why, they will do it anyway and this way you know they are safe but I’d want, even if just the first time, for the parents to confirm they are happy for them to have alcohol.

OctopusBreath · 30/10/2022 01:58

It's a bit weird that you're so anti weed when you're perfectly fine with drinking. Both are illegal for your child. There really isn't that much difference between their effects either, except that alcohol tends to make people more aggressive.
Also, nice one for victim blaming someone who has been stabbed. It doesn't make that person "the wrong crowd", it's a horrible traumatic thing to happen to anyone. Your lack of empathy on this would worry me more than the fact that your 15-year-old wants to go to a party.

PinkSyCo · 30/10/2022 01:22

Seeing as you’re the cool mum who allows her daughter and friends to drink alcohol at yours, I think your DD’s probably safer elsewhere than at home.

Artygirlghost · 30/10/2022 07:30

You should not have given alcohol to other teenagers without their parents' knowledge and approval.

If you are OK with your kid having a bit of alcohol under your roof that is your decision but the other teens' parents might have a different opinion.

Highly irresponsible.

And I am sure your neighbours also loved having 15 teenagers playing loud music all evening.

Pumpkinpatchlookinggood · 30/10/2022 08:40

Allowing under age drinking is proven to encourage alcoholism not prevent it.
I would have the police at your door if you gave my dd drink.

Tukmgru · 30/10/2022 09:19

Jeeeesus all the pearl clutchers out on this one.

It’s just so painfully naive to read these comments. Sorry to break it to you, but if you have an underage teenager, they’ve probably had an illicit drink or two. If they tell you they haven’t it’s because they know you’ll fly off the handle and into hysterics, at least that’s what a lot of you sound like.

Go into it with your eyes open, teach them about responsibility, and by all means don’t allow it in your house. But don’t think for a second they aren’t drinking somewhere else, like a park. If you prefer that, and somehow think that’s safer, then you’re idiots.

Bookishish · 30/10/2022 09:29

@Tukmgru No one is pearl-clutching about underage drinking. The question is whether OP should be giving alcohol to 14-15 year olds who are not her children without first speaking to their parents. That’s not a normal thing to do. Added irony from the fact that she mentions it in a post about what a strict and caring parent she is- “no other parent seems to care like I do”.

HeidiCr · 30/10/2022 09:30

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

PinkSyCo · 30/10/2022 09:35

one kid I stopped her from seeing when she was 12 was recently stabbed.. so I think that kind of proves my point.

What does this prove exactly? Not you victim blaming surely? 🤔

TheSausageKingofChicago · 30/10/2022 09:35

OctopusBreath · 30/10/2022 01:58

It's a bit weird that you're so anti weed when you're perfectly fine with drinking. Both are illegal for your child. There really isn't that much difference between their effects either, except that alcohol tends to make people more aggressive.
Also, nice one for victim blaming someone who has been stabbed. It doesn't make that person "the wrong crowd", it's a horrible traumatic thing to happen to anyone. Your lack of empathy on this would worry me more than the fact that your 15-year-old wants to go to a party.

I disagree. Alcohol is legal and regulated. Weed isn’t. So while both are illegal underage, the type of criminality is massively different.
Getting a parent to pick up a couple of ciders from Tescos is very different from sourcing illicit drugs from dealers and entering that world of criminality, gangs etc

BeyondMyWits · 30/10/2022 09:48

Buying alcohol for 15 year old children does not put you on the "does care" side of the equation.

Mine just told me where they would be, if it was somewhere they hadn't been before I'd ask a few more questions. But generally they were at parties with other children that I knew, because they'd been round ours before.

Sparklingbrook · 30/10/2022 09:53

Because mine had mobile phones and could ring me if they had a problem I never had any contact with parents. Not when they were 15, I’d just drop them off.
I wouldn’t be freaking out over cider at that age either.

Swipe left for the next trending thread