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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Am I too strict.

79 replies

VivsMum · 30/10/2022 00:13

My daughter has just turned 15. I think think I’m a reasonable Mum. I have brought my 2 children up by myself & they have been raised well. They are kind, clever, free spirited & mostly happy (they are teens after all). If my daughter is invited to a party or a sleepover I always ask for the parents number so I can WhatsApp & check that all is as it should be & they are happy for my daughter to be there. But other than one other friend I am the only parent that seems to do this. My daughter had a party at our house. They were allowed to bring some cider & have music loud etc & she had 14 friends over but not 1 single parent contacted me. I find this odd.. maybe I just remember how I was at that age ie sly & too big for my boots but I want to know where my daughter is. Tonight when a parent didn’t get back to me I said that she couldn’t go to a last minute party’. We have had trust issues in the past so I have an app on her phone so I know here she is at all times. But she is 15! I don’t think this is unreasonable. I’d be really interested to hear what you guys think. We are UK based btw. I have stopped my daughter from associating with certain kids before because I don’t want her falling in with crowds that smoke weed etc. it turns out that one kid I stopped her from seeing when she was 12 was recently stabbed.. so I think that kind of proves my point. We are very close & she does confide in me a lot but I do think she is embarrassed & annoyed with me sometimes. No other parents seem to care like I do. Can you advise please? Thank you!

OP posts:
RosieRoww · 31/10/2022 09:24

😲😲

madnesss · 31/10/2022 09:32

RosieRoww · 31/10/2022 09:24

😲😲

Can you add context?

Are you directing these at OP? At me? At a pp?

auntiemabelisveryable · 31/10/2022 09:37

I contact other parents too!

Buteverythingsfine · 31/10/2022 09:37

I was that mum, OP, and by 15, my teen girls were certainly around alcohol, I have bought it for them to take to events from 16 onwards which is still illegal. One of my girls at 15 was at a local comp and the things that went on even in the daytime in the park were was beyond what parents on this thread are thinking, including weed, other drugs, daytime drinking and sex. My DD backed away from this crowd and has tried weed twice, it's not for her due to MH reasons. My other DD went to a grammar type school and this all didn't really start up til sixth form, although there was some drug use around 16 onwards. It depends on your child, many will be absolutely sure they are very sensible and not up to anything, and some won't be, but some whose parents think they are round studying might be surprised what they are up to. I talk with mine all the time about harm reduction, so if you drink, don't drink very much, mix in soft drinks, when you get in eat and drink water, same for drugs, one had a scare and doesn't do them, the other tried a couple of times and has backed out. The 15 year olds on Mumsnet seem quite sheltered which is not a bad thing. I ask my girls to let me know where they are and to contact parents but this becomes impossible around 15 to police and most parents don't do it, we had a lot of arguments.

auntiemabelisveryable · 31/10/2022 09:39

It's actually not illegal (or in fact classed as under age drinking) to give a child alcohol at 15.

However, whether it's right ethically is a different thing.

Buteverythingsfine · 31/10/2022 09:42

I suppose what I'm saying is by 16 they are able to go/out, even live independently so be sure at 15 you are preparing them for that rather than just burying your head in the sand. Incentivize lots of communication, letting you know where they are out of politeness, talk openly about sensible choices around alcohol and drugs. At 15, it maybe more black and white, after that you are reliant on good communication, not banning things.

Mojoj · 31/10/2022 09:50

First up, all the hysterical hand wringers re 15 year olds having a cider, get real. Your kids will, in all probability, already have been involved in under age drinking. Re being too strict, I think by 15 years old, you need to loosen your grip a little. It's not like primary school, where you tend to know their friends' parents. You need to trust them that you've brought them up to have their own boundaries and to know how to keep themselves safe. And I completely disagree with tracking kids on their phones. What happened to respecting their privacy?

madnesss · 31/10/2022 09:58

First up, all the hysterical hand wringers re 15 year olds having a cider, get real.
Your kids will, in all probability, already have been involved in under age drinking.

The problem is the hypocrisy, not the alcohol.

Proudsinglemum · 31/10/2022 09:58

@madnesss just so I’m crystal… Go away. Thanking you kindly

AnneElliott · 31/10/2022 10:08

I contact the parents if DS is staying over - I want to check they're going to be there! But not for just a party where I drop him and pick him up. He's 16 though now.

I wouldn't be impressed if the parents offered alcohol underage without checking first. DS is allowed to drink cider and Prosecco etc and he's sensible but I don't think you should offer other peoples underage kids alcohol without letting the parents know first.

caringcarer · 31/10/2022 10:27

I know I am strict with foster son. Homework from college must be done, even if it does not have to be handed in for a week, he goes for a 3k run around lake for exercise, room tidy and we chat over our days and have a hot drink together before he would dare to ask if he could do gaming. He gets an hour gaming each evening and up to 2 hours Saturday and Sunday. I know most of his friends are allowed to game for hours on end and never seem to do anything else. He can have a sleepover with friends I know parents. If a new friend I will quiz him about parents.

Proudsinglemum · 31/10/2022 11:51

@Mojoj I agree with what you said mostly apart from the last bit about privacy. 15/16!year olds are still kids no matter what society try to force us into believing. I don’t know where you live but I live in London and there is no way on this earth that I would allow my son who is 16 nearly 17 to go out and I not know where he is. It’s got nothing to do with privacy because if they are where they say they are what’s the problem? And in the likely event that they are not and God forbid something happens to them and they are unable to contact you then you can locate them pretty quickly and go to them or call for help. I don’t think anyone sitting there 24/7 tracking their child every movement but it’s a safety measure and nothing wrong with it. The problem with the world these days is people are treating children like they are adults and trying to make them run before they can walk.

Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 31/10/2022 14:49

Proudsinglemum · 31/10/2022 11:51

@Mojoj I agree with what you said mostly apart from the last bit about privacy. 15/16!year olds are still kids no matter what society try to force us into believing. I don’t know where you live but I live in London and there is no way on this earth that I would allow my son who is 16 nearly 17 to go out and I not know where he is. It’s got nothing to do with privacy because if they are where they say they are what’s the problem? And in the likely event that they are not and God forbid something happens to them and they are unable to contact you then you can locate them pretty quickly and go to them or call for help. I don’t think anyone sitting there 24/7 tracking their child every movement but it’s a safety measure and nothing wrong with it. The problem with the world these days is people are treating children like they are adults and trying to make them run before they can walk.

Maybe it’s different as you’re in London and I am in a very uneventful semi rural town.

but do you really know where your almost 17 year old is at all times?

dd2 14 will often go out and be gone all day. I know she’s around the town somewhere (I don’t just mean the town centre, she could be anywhere), but couldn’t tell you where at a given time. Maybe I’m too lax, but she’s sensible enough and would let me know if there’s a problem. But I wouldn’t expect an update for every change of location.

dd1 nearly 18 tells me where she’s going out of courtesy, but she’s almost an adult and can do what she likes.

Fairylightsongs · 31/10/2022 14:52

No I didn’t contact the parents if my child was staying over, and I didn’t track her , that’s horrific, but I also didn’t allow her friends to drink in my home at that age. Did you tell the parents you were allowing them to drink?

Proudsinglemum · 31/10/2022 15:10

@Ohhelpicantthinkofaname no of course I don’t know where he is at all times. I don’t have a tracker so I know where he is at all times. I have a job and a life so haven’t got time to sit and Police him 24/7 nor would I want to. As I said living in london in the heart of the city I make no apologies for wanting to make sure my one son is safe. Even when he turns 18 as long as he’s under my roof he should at least tell me if and when he going out. I won’t necessarily feel the need to track him as hopefully he be driving by then and going off to uni but I just think it’s respectful to let the person you live with know if your in or out as it’s not a hotel and just because your birth certificate says 18 doesn’t mean mentally or emotionally someone an adult but that’s just my opinion and as my mum used to say everyone house has rules they just won’t be the same in every household so each to their own. How someone else chooses to raise their children is up to them same as how I choose to raise mine is up to me.

Proudsinglemum · 31/10/2022 15:17

@Fairylightsongs well that was your choice on how to bring up your child and it’s OP choice to track hers so how is that horrific? I could say it’s horrific you didn’t check where your child was sleeping so I think people need to realise that every child is different and so is every parent. What works for one doesn’t work for all so people need to stop being so judgmental. Wanting to make sure your child is safe is NOT horrific it’s caring!!

Fairylightsongs · 31/10/2022 15:41

Oh cmon, we are all grown ups. Tracking someone doesn’t ensure their safety get a grip, if someone is going to get hurt then it’s not bloody location dependent. It can happen anywhere. Tracking is about control. It’s about letting the kid know if they go anywhere not authorised the parent will know. We all know it. Let’s not try to pretend any one believes other wise. We also all know that kids will just leave their phone with a mate so the parent doesn’t know and thinks they are elsewhere. Causing a major safety risk as they have no way to get in contact without it

so yes it is horrific.

PorridgewithQuark · 31/10/2022 19:43

Fairylightsongs · 31/10/2022 15:41

Oh cmon, we are all grown ups. Tracking someone doesn’t ensure their safety get a grip, if someone is going to get hurt then it’s not bloody location dependent. It can happen anywhere. Tracking is about control. It’s about letting the kid know if they go anywhere not authorised the parent will know. We all know it. Let’s not try to pretend any one believes other wise. We also all know that kids will just leave their phone with a mate so the parent doesn’t know and thinks they are elsewhere. Causing a major safety risk as they have no way to get in contact without it

so yes it is horrific.

I let my teens track me.

I want them to know where I am so that they can know whether I'm close or delayed if coming to fetch them or stuck at work or in traffic.

I do multi day hikes and they track me then too although their dad is home when I do that.

When they're out in the world they turn their trackers on for me - they know how to turn them off.

If any member of our nuclear family is away we put the address in our shared Google calendar. We all put everything in there in order to coordinate lifts and availability. I worked shifts for a long time and put my shifts in there. DH puts his office days in as he's 75% WFH.

We prefer to let one another know where we are purely for safety and practical logistics. If anyone wants to say it's controlling they can say whatever they feel the urge to according to their agenda - but they're just simply incorrect.

Proudsinglemum · 01/11/2022 05:16

You are entitled to your opinion but I will keep tracking my child as I please. You keep not be bothered to check if your child actually sleeping where they say they are which I find horrific. End of

Proudsinglemum · 01/11/2022 05:19

Thank you most sensible person I’ve seen on this thread. My son can do the same it’s not a one way street. It’s about safety pure and simple and anyone who thinks otherwise just baffles me but each to their own.

Dacadactyl · 01/11/2022 06:50

I do exactly the same as you OP. I insist on a text so that i know where she is. The only parent who didnt send a text when requested was one of a child who keeps getting excluded for fighting...so i feel justified in it.

You are not too strict. Teenagers are sneaky as!! I also allow my 15 yo DD to drink at parties. But i have a chilled attitude to this cos i know where she is and with whom.

None of my daughters friends parents text me to double check stuff either and it blows my mind too.

Dacadactyl · 01/11/2022 06:52

Oh but i dont track her phone. I dont like the idea of that at all.

Oblomov22 · 01/11/2022 06:57

You are contradictory, you are over strict by saying no last minute, which is cruel, but then encouraging drink.

We can't comment till you tell us what the trust issues are.

I never tracked ds1, but then I never had trust issues. He wasn't sneaky, not all teens are.

Outtasteamandluck · 01/11/2022 07:09

My DD is also 15. And all her friends / peers are all having house parties and allowed to bring alcohol.

It seems to be a thing.

She's not been to one yet where there was no alcohol. Since September she's been to about 6-7, possibly more.

I am surprised that all the parents have been on board with alcohol. However all bar 2 parties (same girl at both that caused issues) have been sensible and no problems.

Parents were present and all finished by midnight.

Outtasteamandluck · 01/11/2022 07:12

Ps I don't track my DD but I do track the phone 🙂 no trust issues I just like to know where she is. My mum does it with me and I'm in my 40's!!