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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Am I too strict.

79 replies

VivsMum · 30/10/2022 00:13

My daughter has just turned 15. I think think I’m a reasonable Mum. I have brought my 2 children up by myself & they have been raised well. They are kind, clever, free spirited & mostly happy (they are teens after all). If my daughter is invited to a party or a sleepover I always ask for the parents number so I can WhatsApp & check that all is as it should be & they are happy for my daughter to be there. But other than one other friend I am the only parent that seems to do this. My daughter had a party at our house. They were allowed to bring some cider & have music loud etc & she had 14 friends over but not 1 single parent contacted me. I find this odd.. maybe I just remember how I was at that age ie sly & too big for my boots but I want to know where my daughter is. Tonight when a parent didn’t get back to me I said that she couldn’t go to a last minute party’. We have had trust issues in the past so I have an app on her phone so I know here she is at all times. But she is 15! I don’t think this is unreasonable. I’d be really interested to hear what you guys think. We are UK based btw. I have stopped my daughter from associating with certain kids before because I don’t want her falling in with crowds that smoke weed etc. it turns out that one kid I stopped her from seeing when she was 12 was recently stabbed.. so I think that kind of proves my point. We are very close & she does confide in me a lot but I do think she is embarrassed & annoyed with me sometimes. No other parents seem to care like I do. Can you advise please? Thank you!

OP posts:
madnesss · 30/10/2022 09:54

Can you advise please? Thank you!

Stop acting as if you are all that because having 15 teenagers underage drinking in your house is the opposite of what you are suggesting you are.

chosenone · 30/10/2022 09:55

My DC, 15, has just been to a Halloween party. The parents were there but in another part of their house, they set up a group chat with all parents and checked that a few drinks were ok. Most kids bought a bottle of Prosecco/ WKD/ can of cocktails or beer. Strictly no spirits allowed.

Parents got them take out and left them to it for a few hours. They all got a bit tipsy, danced, did TikToks and we’re all collected by midnight. They had tidied up and there had been no OTT drunkenness, breakages or anything.

Very happy with this compared to my teenage experiences in parks/disused quarries etc

CJsGoldfish · 30/10/2022 10:02

Allowing a party with a bunch of underage drinkers isn't what I'd call strict. It's what I'd call desperate and irresponsible parenting. Implying that they don't care as much as you do whilst you have children drinking under your roof? Crazy.

Then again, I don't see alcohol as just "something they're going to do anyway so I may as well allow it" 🤷‍♀️

PorridgewithQuark · 30/10/2022 10:19

I think you've got things back to front.

My 15 year old is my second child so we've already been here once. He also recently had a sleepover gaming party with 8x 15 and 16 year old friends.

No alchol at 15 year olds parties.

Also no checking with parents - he organised everything himself with his friends and kept us updated. Only two parents contacted me but they are the one who have known one another since they were 3 years old so weren't contacting to check up but outof long habit because we're kind of friends/ long term aquaintences due to having known one another so long! Both those boys have health issues which their mums contacted me in relation to practical support of as they were here for 22 hours!

We allowed alchol from the host child being 16 but stay in the house upstairs out of the way.

Not helicoptering isn't the same as not caring. Careful management of gradually letting teens "launch" into independence is harder than helicopter parenting until they turn 18 then suddenly letting an ill prepared new adult go into free fall!

cotsma · 30/10/2022 10:31

I wouldn't call a parent if my daughter went to a friend's house or party, because over years I've established trust with my daughter and she knows the worst thing she can do is lie to us. In our house, that gets the biggest punishment (breaking trust).

At 14/15, I wouldn't be happy about her going to too many alcohol parties either. If she was invited, I'd let her go, but we would chat about sensible drinking first. Round here, parties with alcohol seem to start for 16th birthdays, so they're just beginning to start now.

Thankfully, both my children have been sensible, and we haven't had any issues (although living rurally and them totally depending on us for lifts also helps!). My eldest is now at uni, so heavens knows what they get up to, but that's not my problem any more!

TheRossatron · 30/10/2022 10:32

I don't have children but I'm pretty surprised so many people are okay with a bunch of 14 year olds drinking alcohol, no way would that be happening under my roof.

inappropriateraspberry · 30/10/2022 10:32

Maybe the other parents trust her and you? They know you are a responsible parent so are happy when their child is at yours.

ouch321 · 30/10/2022 10:42

Strange post.
Sounds like you want to be seen as 'the cool mum'.

Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 30/10/2022 11:07

I don’t contact parents when my dd stays somewhere. But if there’s going to be alcohol then I check with the parents, or ask the kids to check (if they lie that’s on them and I will tell their parents that).

people have different views on what is acceptable at different ages. But something controversial like alcohol it’s probably best to check before allowing it.

Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 30/10/2022 11:08

If there’s going to be alcohol at one of my kids gatherings that is.

Cwcwbird · 30/10/2022 11:25

I always drop and pick up my kid so I'd know they were going where they said they were. Their friends are quite widely dispersed and not local. I'm not sure what else you'd need to check really so it wouldn't occur to me to text the parent. Ironically the main thing I'd worry about is underage drinking but texting you wouldn't help with that as I'd assume parents present = no alcohol at that age.

NC12345665 · 30/10/2022 11:32
Hmm

Not coming back, op?

Proudsinglemum · 31/10/2022 07:40

No I don’t think your being too strict! I think your doing what any decent parent would do. I used to do exactly the same with my son whose 16 now about to turn 17 and If he going out there are 4 main questions where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be home? And how are you getting home? The only thing I would say that maybe you should relax a bit on is if she going to a party. My cousin whose son is older than mine gave me valuable advice at 15 your not going to know all their friends especially in the times we are living in with social media and as long as someone follows you is your friend rolls eyes so if she invited to a party or vice Versa as long as you know where that party is and times it starts and finishes you can’t be expected to call up the parents or vice versa as it’s unrealistic. Raising a teenager alone is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do so I empathise with you.

madnesss · 31/10/2022 07:51

I think your doing what any decent parent would do.

Decent parents do not allow their child to have a house party with 14 friends drinking alcohol, do they?

Proudsinglemum · 31/10/2022 07:56

@madnesss i wasn’t talking about the drinking was I? I was talking about the checking in with parents of where her daughter going. The alcohol thing a completely different entity and I chose to focus on the question rather than pick apart and attack the woman like most people have on here. I’m not condoning the alcohol but people got so caught up with that part they not answering the question. It’s as simple as that

madnesss · 31/10/2022 08:00

i wasn’t talking about the drinking was I?

I was talking about the checking in with parents of where her daughter going.

Well simply checking where her daughter goes doesn't make her a decent parent. You have to be generally doing the right thing all round to be considered decent.

The alcohol thing a completely different entity and I chose to focus on the question rather than pick apart and attack the woman like most people have on here.

Nobody is attacking, why do you think people are attacking OP for responding to her saying she allowed 15 year olds to drink alcohol?

BeyondMyWits · 31/10/2022 08:05

Proudsinglemum · 31/10/2022 07:56

@madnesss i wasn’t talking about the drinking was I? I was talking about the checking in with parents of where her daughter going. The alcohol thing a completely different entity and I chose to focus on the question rather than pick apart and attack the woman like most people have on here. I’m not condoning the alcohol but people got so caught up with that part they not answering the question. It’s as simple as that

But we are responding about the alcohol because the whole premise of the OP was made specious by her assertion that no one cares like they do... whilst seeing nothing wrong with offering alcohol to children.

Proudsinglemum · 31/10/2022 08:08

@madnesss i don’t know about you but for the majority of people if not all nobody is perfect. There is no rule book for parenting. We all make mistakes and it’s trial and error. Not everything you are going to get right so maybe she thought she was being responsible letting them have cider in a control environment and maybe she has got all the other parents permission as none of us know whether she did or didn’t do we? All she said was none of the other parents contacted her. In the invite she could of well said there will be a little cider none of us know so I stand by what I said when I said people went in on her focusing on the one point she made without answering the question or knowing the full facts. Not one person asked her if the other parents knew about the alcohol everyone just assumed they didn’t and reacted accordingly.

madnesss · 31/10/2022 08:10

Proudsinglemum · 31/10/2022 08:08

@madnesss i don’t know about you but for the majority of people if not all nobody is perfect. There is no rule book for parenting. We all make mistakes and it’s trial and error. Not everything you are going to get right so maybe she thought she was being responsible letting them have cider in a control environment and maybe she has got all the other parents permission as none of us know whether she did or didn’t do we? All she said was none of the other parents contacted her. In the invite she could of well said there will be a little cider none of us know so I stand by what I said when I said people went in on her focusing on the one point she made without answering the question or knowing the full facts. Not one person asked her if the other parents knew about the alcohol everyone just assumed they didn’t and reacted accordingly.

Since you didn't even read the OP properly I'm not even going to waste my time here. Why you are trying to defend this person is beyond me but you are making yourself look silly.

Nindaelita · 31/10/2022 08:41

I do the same as well.

My daughter is 12 and sometimes is asked to go to friend's houses just to hang out. Contrary to primary school friends, I do not know the parents of her secondary school friends and that means I ask for contact details of the parents before she goes anywhere.

One of her friends recently asked to hang out after school and I asked for the parents contacts, my daughter was reluctant to ask this of her friend because apparently "no one does this". She asked eventually and even tho something came up and my daughter didn't go, she had some grieve with this friend's sister saying it's not normal and weird to ask for the parents details. Said sister that is 15 and the parents allow the boyfriend to live with them. ( info discussed with my dd with her friend and then passed on to me)

I wouldn't allow drinking tho, and if I was to host parties I would want to know everyone's contact details in case of emergencies. If something was to happen to one of the children that is in your house you would need to contact the parents asap.

RedHelenB · 31/10/2022 08:50

Stop tracking your poor kid, they're not your possession. I feel really sorry for your daughter, she's 15 way too old to be tied to your apron strings this way.

LadyWithLapdog · 31/10/2022 09:09

I don’t ask for parents’ details to contact them beforehand. I usually drop off or collect, and another of her friend’s mum does the other journey. We don’t have trackers.

Proudsinglemum · 31/10/2022 09:19

@madnesss Let me be very clear here I read every single word of what she said and quite frankly I couldn’t care less what you thought of me or your opinion. I never messaged you. You messaged me and you sound even more silly to me because clearly your a high horse you think your perfect person. you say your not even going to respond yet you did… make it make sense. I wasn’t defending anyone I’m just not a judgemental people in glass houses type person so and so like clearly you are!

Proudsinglemum · 31/10/2022 09:22

My son 16 going on 17 and I have a tracker. It’s got nothing to do with possession it’s called making sure they are safe!

madnesss · 31/10/2022 09:24

Proudsinglemum · 31/10/2022 09:19

@madnesss Let me be very clear here I read every single word of what she said and quite frankly I couldn’t care less what you thought of me or your opinion. I never messaged you. You messaged me and you sound even more silly to me because clearly your a high horse you think your perfect person. you say your not even going to respond yet you did… make it make sense. I wasn’t defending anyone I’m just not a judgemental people in glass houses type person so and so like clearly you are!

Just to clarify when you say I messaged you that you are referring to me posting on this thread.

I have not sent you messages. Just to be crystal.