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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Closing bedroom door when horse had bolted

93 replies

mumofblu · 23/10/2022 03:08

Briefly my now 15 year old Dd is seeing her first bf again that she dated when she 13/14 .
They finished after I spoke to her and him about their behaviour in our house . She put on her story that she had given him blow jobs in our house / front room . I was told this by another parent and spoke to her , she said it wasn't true . Their "affection " with each other was full on and embarrassing in front of us and again I spoke to her . She was a very young immature 13 / 14 year old and I could see she was giddy over first bf .
They sat in front room etc to watch movies when he came round . He obv really liked her , same age but more experienced . I checked her phone and saw some stuff I wasn't happy about I spoke to them both saying they were being disrespectful to what we ( her dad and me ) had agreed with them . And I also saw photos of them in her bedroom , again this wasn't allowed but they sneaked in while I was busy outside with youngers .

I spoke to her about birth control at the time but she didn't like idea of it . The bf split up with her saying that I didn't approve of them , she was also talking to other boys ( in a flirty way ) which upset him . They were seeing each other 10 weeks .

Two weeks after they split she had a new bf from her school . Same age in her class . Saw him for 6 months . Same rules in house but this time she want upstairs to get changed to go out , he followed and they had unprotected sex .

They have now finished because he was seeing another girl . It was also a v worrying relationship in terms of aggression and behaviour . But let's just say I'm v glad it's over . They finished in June .

Now the first bf has reappeared. She told me they were talking and he'd been a good friend while she was having trouble with prev bf . She is now just 15 and on bc now .

She is a lot calmer and has matured but we have said the bc doesn't mean we are giving green light to having sex at home .

The old bf who she may now be seeing again did send me a message after they finished apologising after he finished saying he was sorry about what happened in our house and it shouldn't have happened ( him in her bedroom ) .

Tbh . They were young teenagers pushing boundaries , caught up in new emotions and behaving like sods .

She did look back and say recently that she was a bit embarrassed about it all now

Anyways old bf is back and she's asked if he can come round and watch Halloween movies in daytime

The room she used to sit and watch tv in is now youngers playroom . It's half term so younger is at home .

Aibu unreasonable to still say no to bedroom at 15 ( even though she's on bc and has been sexually active against our wishes ) .

Sorry about the long post .

I'm thinking of saying they have to be in main area of house during day so younger can play in her room ( play Mobil addict ) or go out and watch movie in evening
Or should I accept she's on bc , is 15 and let them in bedroom

Thoughts please

OP posts:
BankseyVest · 23/10/2022 03:27

Your house, your rules op. I agree with you, I'd have a no bedroom rule. They are still only 15.

Thatskindafun · 23/10/2022 03:31

You said your house your rules the last two times and she didn’t care or listen
what were the consequences?
why would she listen now?
say it if you want and if that’s your rule I understand it
but I wouldn’t expect a different outcome to the last two times

Original poster
mumofblu · 23/10/2022 07:22

Thankyou

There were lots of consequences
Unfortunately she fought back with the bf and alongside losing pocket money , being grounded . We went as harsh as we could until social services and police got involved at our insistence . School also . But things have been calm since June and services are going .

We had lots of support and our DD was basically told to listen to us .

I feel semi confident that she has done some growing up and it won't happen again to that level .

But my question was if she's on bc and has already had sex are we unreasonable to expect her not to have sex again ?

OP posts:
Myunclesmustache · 23/10/2022 07:28

Anyways old bf is back and she's asked if he can come round and watch Halloween movies in daytime

Why aren't they at school OP?

Marmite27 · 23/10/2022 07:32

Because it’s half term?

Original poster
mumofblu · 23/10/2022 07:32

Half term here

OP posts:
Cartor2 · 23/10/2022 07:33

Are there other issues besides having sex , assuming the police school SS weren't involved from blow jobs in the home.
The genie is out of the bottle they will do it somewhere, as you have younger children in the house that makes it tricky to manage.

Original poster
mumofblu · 23/10/2022 07:42

Other issues were running away to be with ( now ex ) bf ( meeting him at another boys house ) aggression when we tried to keep her in . Going missing . And I believe from what others told me and school hinted at last bf family were known to police .
She doesn't have any disability and was up until last summer / first bf , no trouble at all .

OP posts:
Original poster
mumofblu · 23/10/2022 07:43

Police and SS involved as part of safeguarding her due to her behaviour in our home and with bf .

OP posts:
Myunclesmustache · 23/10/2022 07:45

Half term here

OK.

The issue isn't the sex, it's the breaking of your rules.

There needs to be more consequences. No pocket-money etc. Remove mobile phone etc.

Tell that she can't be trusted so BF doesn't come round until she's proved she can be trusted.
Ask her why she needs to have sex? Is it to be cool? Is she being pressurised?

Lots of areas for discussion, it seems.

Original poster
mumofblu · 23/10/2022 07:52

She has only had her phone back last 3 months after losing it for 6 weeks
She gets pocket money on terms of behaviour . She used to lose it if misbehaved . Now she gets it for behaving but loses it for misbehaving .
We tried , reasoning , shouting, locking house up and ignoring her . The social worker completely backed our actions .
She was in with a wild group but hasn't seen them for months .

I'm hoping all that was a nasty phase but I want to start of right

Going to speak with her dad today

OP posts:
summergone · 23/10/2022 07:53

When you say she went upstairs to get changed but had sex were you in the house at the time ?

Myunclesmustache · 23/10/2022 07:54

Going to speak with her dad today

So he doesn't live with you?

DazzlePaintedBattlePants · 23/10/2022 07:54

You need to take a step back and do some serious work on your daughter’s self esteem, IMO. This behaviour is coming from some place and I don’t think banning phones/screens/seeing the little scrote is going to work.

Easier said than done, I know. Are there any activities you like doing together that will get you both out of the house and kill some time away from the boyfriend?

rubysparkles1 · 23/10/2022 08:02

@mumofblu are these boys demanding she do things or else they’ll break up with her? Or is she on certain apps? A lot of girls are pressured. Also did you take her to the sexual health clinic after she had sex (especially as her ex was sleeping around)? She needs to be tested for STDs and the clinic can advise her on the dangers of unprotected sex and consent.

What form of bc is she on? She doesn’t sound the type to remember to take the pill everyday or use condoms.

Maybe ban boys from the house because she can’t be trusted to not have sex with them.

You need to talk to her (or find her something to read/watch) to help her understand healthy v toxic relationships. Instead of pushing her away you need to build a good relationship with her so she trusts you (rather than rebelling against you).

JustOrderADoor · 23/10/2022 08:03

Myunclesmustache · 23/10/2022 07:28

Anyways old bf is back and she's asked if he can come round and watch Halloween movies in daytime

Why aren't they at school OP?

Because it's the weekend & half term.

not to mention that wasn't the question.

@mumofblu why can't they watch movies in the lounge?

or why can't the youngest play in their bedroom/the lounge for a couple of hours whir they're watching a movie in the 'playroom'. Why's the youngest getting it to themselves?

but no, at 15, she would not be getting the green light to have sex with her boyfriend in the home. Bc or not.

JustOrderADoor · 23/10/2022 08:04

Myunclesmustache · 23/10/2022 07:45

Half term here

OK.

The issue isn't the sex, it's the breaking of your rules.

There needs to be more consequences. No pocket-money etc. Remove mobile phone etc.

Tell that she can't be trusted so BF doesn't come round until she's proved she can be trusted.
Ask her why she needs to have sex? Is it to be cool? Is she being pressurised?

Lots of areas for discussion, it seems.

'Ok'. She doesn't need your permission or approval. FFS

HereForTheBiscuits · 23/10/2022 08:07

I might be devils advocate here, but it seems like your dd will be having sex with or without your blessing. It might be better to focus on getting her some condoms, put her on the pill and have a good old chat about consent. I agree with pp about boosting her self esteem too. I get that she has disrespected your boundaries and there should be consequences to that but surely it's safer they do it at home?

I had a friend growing up who was having sex at 15 with her bf in an alley way riddled with needles because both sets of parents were very strict with the bedroom rule.

JustOrderADoor · 23/10/2022 08:07

This reply has been deleted

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Devo1818 · 23/10/2022 08:10

Of course she'll have sex again. You can't control that. You can have a say in whether it happens in your house or not, but if you stop her having sex in your house they will do it somewhere else. We were all teenagers once, we know how it works.

itsgettingweird · 23/10/2022 08:16

I would make the playroom a joint room for both children.

You've had a really rough time with DD but she's turned it around.

Now being shoved out of a room for her younger sibling and then also having rules she cannot really go elsewhere you'll bring back some of those old behaviours and she'll likely sneak around again.

Talk to her. Tell her it's playroom or lounge or kitchen.

Tell her playroom is shared and she can't monopolise it but can have a few hours between x and y and then until whatever time curfew is after little one is in bed.

15yo may have sex - especially if they have before. But it's fine to make it clear it isn't under your roof until at least 16 and the above agreement about sharing the playroom is dependent on them respecting house rules.

ThingsIhavelearnt · 23/10/2022 08:21

DazzlePaintedBattlePants · 23/10/2022 07:54

You need to take a step back and do some serious work on your daughter’s self esteem, IMO. This behaviour is coming from some place and I don’t think banning phones/screens/seeing the little scrote is going to work.

Easier said than done, I know. Are there any activities you like doing together that will get you both out of the house and kill some time away from the boyfriend?

This counselling etc

Charlize43 · 23/10/2022 08:32

She's had sex and you can't police her all the time.

I'd change my mindset to assume that she'll continue having sex (in or outside your house) and that you need to focus on discussing and teaching her about contraception so you don't end up with a pregnant 16 year old.

Other than that, there's nothing else to do.

TwoLeftSocksWithHoles · 23/10/2022 08:36

Cartor2 · 23/10/2022 07:33

Are there other issues besides having sex , assuming the police school SS weren't involved from blow jobs in the home.
The genie is out of the bottle they will do it somewhere, as you have younger children in the house that makes it tricky to manage.

No advice but just wanted to say great word association here 'blow jobs' and 'genie out of the bottle'!

Or is it a euphemism?

UserError012345 · 23/10/2022 08:36

To PP, sex is very much part of the problem.