Closing bedroom door when horse had bolted

[mumofblu]

Briefly my now 15 year old Dd is seeing her first bf again that she dated when she 13/14 .
They finished after I spoke to her and him about their behaviour in our house . She put on her story that she had given him blow jobs in our house / front room . I was told this by another parent and spoke to her , she said it wasn't true . Their "affection " with each other was full on and embarrassing in front of us and again I spoke to her . She was a very young immature 13 / 14 year old and I could see she was giddy over first bf .
They sat in front room etc to watch movies when he came round . He obv really liked her , same age but more experienced . I checked her phone and saw some stuff I wasn't happy about I spoke to them both saying they were being disrespectful to what we ( her dad and me ) had agreed with them . And I also saw photos of them in her bedroom , again this wasn't allowed but they sneaked in while I was busy outside with youngers .

I spoke to her about birth control at the time but she didn't like idea of it . The bf split up with her saying that I didn't approve of them , she was also talking to other boys ( in a flirty way ) which upset him . They were seeing each other 10 weeks .

Two weeks after they split she had a new bf from her school . Same age in her class . Saw him for 6 months . Same rules in house but this time she want upstairs to get changed to go out , he followed and they had unprotected sex .

They have now finished because he was seeing another girl . It was also a v worrying relationship in terms of aggression and behaviour . But let's just say I'm v glad it's over . They finished in June .

Now the first bf has reappeared. She told me they were talking and he'd been a good friend while she was having trouble with prev bf . She is now just 15 and on bc now .

She is a lot calmer and has matured but we have said the bc doesn't mean we are giving green light to having sex at home .

The old bf who she may now be seeing again did send me a message after they finished apologising after he finished saying he was sorry about what happened in our house and it shouldn't have happened ( him in her bedroom ) .

Tbh . They were young teenagers pushing boundaries , caught up in new emotions and behaving like sods .

She did look back and say recently that she was a bit embarrassed about it all now

Anyways old bf is back and she's asked if he can come round and watch Halloween movies in daytime

The room she used to sit and watch tv in is now youngers playroom . It's half term so younger is at home .

Aibu unreasonable to still say no to bedroom at 15 ( even though she's on bc and has been sexually active against our wishes ) .

Sorry about the long post .

I'm thinking of saying they have to be in main area of house during day so younger can play in her room ( play Mobil addict ) or go out and watch movie in evening
Or should I accept she's on bc , is 15 and let them in bedroom

Thoughts please

As usual some judgy comments so I'll address these first

Play room is for both but she has set up playmobil and I don't want them watching horror movies with her in room

We have a tv in open plan family space connected to kitchen so I'm going to tell her they can sit in there

Her dad said the same this morning , playroom has wood burner in so he wants to be cosy too .

Yes me and her dad live together . I didn't speak to him because she asked me last night and he was already asleep . But we do speak thankyou @JustOrderADoor

@ThingsIhavelearnt

She has lots of other interests , plays football x 3 times a week . Sees girlfriends , does martial arts and volunteers at forest school .

We've been away for a week with friends of hers and their mums ( my friends) and had a great time .

We watch you tube together , share taste in music ( she likes my kind of music )

We shop and cook together

It's half term at the moment

She's had counselling for a year , just finished

@rubysparkles1

She goes to sexual health I take her
She has injection
Sw was referring for support with relationships after her beh and last relationship but I'm not sure if we have been accepted yet .

I also agree with @DazzlePaintedBattlePants.

You need to widen her world so she sees there is more to do and to be than hanging around with lads.

Take her to a big city for a weekend, London, Edinburgh, Barcelona. Take her to less mainstream things comic con or to roller derby or a sculpture park.

@itsgettingweird

Great advice and pretty much what husband has just said

Sorry I cross posted with you there. Write half a post and had to let the dog out.

@ToadSmall

We've just returned from week away with her friends and parents , she loved it

She does lots already
She has only Saturday and Sunday afternoon free and one evening a week

She also has mocks coming up .

@ToadSmall
No problem x

She was a very young immature 13 / 14 year old and I could see she was giddy over first bf .

Why was your very young, immature 13 year old ever allowed to be alone with these boys in the first place!

Stop allowing this to happen, when you know these boys are taking advantage of a vulnerable girl.

I would not be allowing her to be alone with these boys until they are 16.

Not because she is or isn’t already sexually active but because she’s obviously very vulnerable and needs extra boundaries put in place.

So does mine, you would think I'd invented mocks the way she is grumbling at me about it.

@summergone

I was loading car with packages for Ukraine from garage she was supposed to be upstairs getting ready for football .

It was maximum 10 minutes and he followed her up from being in kitchen while I was in garage

@mumofblu I think you misread my post.

the comment asking 'do you not speak to people you live with' was aimed at the poster I addressed who assumed her Dad didn't live with you & she was being judgey about that. I assumed you just meant he was asleep already or out etc & you'd speak to him when you could.

@CarefreeMe

She isn't allowed to be alone with these boys . I stopped the first boy by sending him away . He's reappeared .

Second bf sneaked upstairs so banned .

She then started running away and that's when police and social worker became involved .

@JustOrderADoor

Sorry my mistake x

You know she's had sex before and that it was apparently unprotected. She will, of course, have sex again. She obviously wasn't responsible or mature enough to insist that the boy used a condom. Get the contraceptive injection for her. At least you will know then that she won't get pregnant.

@ShutYerYapAndGetOnWithIt

Have done that

No advice but I’m finding the 15-year old stage very difficult to navigate too- so sending sympathy and reading your answers with interest

@Axahooxa

Sorry you got this . None of my dd friends behave like my Dd so I'm constantly asking myself WHY

Sw have told us we have done a great job and just keep doing what we are doing but is bloody hard

It was maximum 10 minutes and he followed her up from being in kitchen while I was in garage

This is really worrying!

A maximum of 10 minutes would mean that he saw you go to the garage, went upstairs and then they started having sex as soon as he got in there - I can almost guarantee that it wasn’t consensual.

Why is there a SW involved?

From personal experience OP, I would at this point give her more trust in your home. Tell her that she's old enough/mature enough to make her own decisions re. sex, but that you want to make sure she's safe, protected and can come and talk to you about anything.

I was very similar at her age. Had a trustworthy, nice bf, but we were young and wanted to experiment. When mine and bfs parents found out about us having sex, they both got angry, tried grounding, punishments and super vigilant around the house. So we started lying about where we were/who we were with etc. And that's when I got myself in some pretty worrying situations. Started having sex in friends houses and had other guys try it on too, had sex in public places, it was super dodgy.

Also, the way my mum reacted meant that I knew I couldn't talk to her when I was in a shit situation, so ended up trying to sort everything out myself, had no one to talk to when I felt depressed about the state of things etc.

My sister went through the same and now she has a teenage daughter her attitude is 'as long as you're under my roof, you're safe'. This has resulted in my niece being super trusting and close with my sister when she needed to talk. It meant my niece felt comfortable to ask questions about adult things that she didn't know the answer to or felt peer pressured into. It has meant that my niece has avoided some of the awful situations that my sister and I got into when we were that age.

@mumofblu you’re doing bloody brilliantly!! I used to work in secondary schools and it’s just part of adolescence for lots of young people. You’re doing everything you can to keep her safe and I really respect your approach. I try to keep in mind that my relationship between me and my daughters (twins) is paramount, so have to keep nurturing this as much as I can so that they continue to be open with me (as painful as some of the details are!!).

If she’s not having sex in the safety of your house, she’ll be having it elsewhere which could mean a public place or somewhere she could be very vulnerable. I’d go down the route of ensuring she understands how important BC is (condoms as well as the pill), discussing consent and whether she is emotionally mature enough to be having a physical relationship. I’d keep an open dialogue with her and make conversations about whether he is respectful to her, a good boyfriend etc a requirement of him being allowed to come over.

You can almost guarantee it wasn't consensual?

What an absolutely ridiculous statement. Have a word with yourself.