Closing bedroom door when horse had bolted

[mumofblu]

Briefly my now 15 year old Dd is seeing her first bf again that she dated when she 13/14 .
They finished after I spoke to her and him about their behaviour in our house . She put on her story that she had given him blow jobs in our house / front room . I was told this by another parent and spoke to her , she said it wasn't true . Their "affection " with each other was full on and embarrassing in front of us and again I spoke to her . She was a very young immature 13 / 14 year old and I could see she was giddy over first bf .
They sat in front room etc to watch movies when he came round . He obv really liked her , same age but more experienced . I checked her phone and saw some stuff I wasn't happy about I spoke to them both saying they were being disrespectful to what we ( her dad and me ) had agreed with them . And I also saw photos of them in her bedroom , again this wasn't allowed but they sneaked in while I was busy outside with youngers .

I spoke to her about birth control at the time but she didn't like idea of it . The bf split up with her saying that I didn't approve of them , she was also talking to other boys ( in a flirty way ) which upset him . They were seeing each other 10 weeks .

Two weeks after they split she had a new bf from her school . Same age in her class . Saw him for 6 months . Same rules in house but this time she want upstairs to get changed to go out , he followed and they had unprotected sex .

They have now finished because he was seeing another girl . It was also a v worrying relationship in terms of aggression and behaviour . But let's just say I'm v glad it's over . They finished in June .

Now the first bf has reappeared. She told me they were talking and he'd been a good friend while she was having trouble with prev bf . She is now just 15 and on bc now .

She is a lot calmer and has matured but we have said the bc doesn't mean we are giving green light to having sex at home .

The old bf who she may now be seeing again did send me a message after they finished apologising after he finished saying he was sorry about what happened in our house and it shouldn't have happened ( him in her bedroom ) .

Tbh . They were young teenagers pushing boundaries , caught up in new emotions and behaving like sods .

She did look back and say recently that she was a bit embarrassed about it all now

Anyways old bf is back and she's asked if he can come round and watch Halloween movies in daytime

The room she used to sit and watch tv in is now youngers playroom . It's half term so younger is at home .

Aibu unreasonable to still say no to bedroom at 15 ( even though she's on bc and has been sexually active against our wishes ) .

Sorry about the long post .

I'm thinking of saying they have to be in main area of house during day so younger can play in her room ( play Mobil addict ) or go out and watch movie in evening
Or should I accept she's on bc , is 15 and let them in bedroom

Thoughts please

What more could I do to " step up "

How about getting the boy who abused her prosecuted? He needs to be locked up to stop him abusing other girls.

@Myunclesmustache

I don't need to read horror stories . It's been my reality for last 12 months

And police and social services fully aware of everything. Not interested in prosecuting because neither said not consensual

Next

And police and social services fully aware of everything. Not interested in prosecuting because neither said not consensual
Next

So, as all avenues seem to have been exhausted, the last resort is to ask for her to be put into Care for the sake of your other children, who will no doubt be suffering from all this disruption.

Thanku @piffle123 and @SnooozyTree

Your words mean a lot

I’d say

• get some counselling for her. She needs to learn about boundaries so she didn’t get suck in another abusive relationship.
• id carry on talking about safe relationship (safe sex, abusive, what’s ok or not etc….)
• keep an eye fir yet more abusive behaviour from either bf.
• let go of the sex in your house. As you said the horse has bolted already. But you can ask fir general ground rules (eg no noise, behaviour outside the bedroom etc…)

you’re doing well @mumofblu it’s a tricky path to walk.

@WakingUpDistress

She's had counselling and chose after 9 months to discontinue.

Btw when an adult woman gets sucked in an abusive re,ationship, most people will say do the Freedom program to learn about boundaries/what’s ok/patterns of behaviour.
I think the same should happen with a teen tbh. She needs guidance too.

This seems a bit beyond ‘pushing boundaries’, no?

@Myunclesmustache

My other child also getting support that I requested . But as I said she has been calm since June when last bf disappeared.

My question was what would other parents do regarding putting boundaries in at home when previously behaviour has seen boundaries being overstepped .

@WakingUpDistress

I know the freedom program well from my prev career . I have been using its principles throughout this year .

OP we are now at page 4 of this thread with lots of advice and it seems there is no solution.

Insulting me won't solve the problem.

My question was what would other parents do regarding putting boundaries in at home when previously behaviour has seen boundaries being overstepped .

If your daughter has decided to go into self-destruct mode then there is nothing you can do.

This is the crap side of parenting - you can do your best and they can still turn out as bummers.

I agree , just hoping for some nugget of help .

Some of these responses have been v supportive

And some clearly haven't read my full posts

Please anyone who finds this annoying feel free to not respond

And to those who have commented that they are reading with interest I hope you find some information useful to your situation x

I actually got that from your posts :)

This was more in response if many answers along the lines of punishing her or ‘you can’t do anything if she has decided to self destruct’….

Do you think she would benefit from more support than the counselling she already had? No idea if there is a version of the Freedom Program fir teenagers.

I thought an update was worthy after so many replies

Well we stuck to our original plan . Allowed in house to watch movies , in extension .

We kept popping in and out .

Despite her saying just friends I saw them kissing in a way that I wouldn't kiss a friend !

He went home at 10 and dumped her the next day . I don't know why and tbh I'm not bothered if she chooses not to tell me .

But I feel very relieved after so much happening this year that we put a boundary in place and she accepted it .

Ugh OP, this is a really tricky situation and no one should be passing judgement on you.

IMO the judgemental posters have ignored a few things:

It is not possible to stop young people being alone for the few minutes that it takes to have sex unless you lock them up and ban them from school.

All the consequences in the world won't stop a hormonally driven teen who is determined to have sex, or a vulnerable teen allowing themselves to be taken advantage of.

Punishment, threats, shaming make it all worse.

Sexual urges, exploration and pushing boundaries are all normal and healthy for teenagers.

Having low self esteem, not understanding their right to boundaries, feeling shame is unhealthy and unhelpful.

Pushing boundaries is despicable.

Sorry- rant over!

OP you have navigated this well. Coming down on your daughter too hard may well have damaged your bond behind repair, and made her self esteem even worse. Imposing strict rules would have increased the likelihood of her running away or becoming even closer and emotionally reliant on one of these boys.

As it stands she has agreed to therapy, gone to the therapy, not run away, talked to
you about contraception and complied with going on it, enjoyed some holiday time with you, attended loads of clubs and participated in hobbies. It could be so so so much worse.

I don't think you should be too focussed on consequences. Set rules by all means- if they get broken talk about being disappointed and why. Your DD may well as ready be feeling rubbish about breaking the rules, you don't need to heap punishment and shame on-top.

Last but not least focus on your relationship with DD, feel glad when she is honest and confides in you, keep the lines of communication open, accept she will make mistakes, see and celebrate the good in her 😊.
Make sure she knows that you love her unconditionally, but sometimes don't like her behaviour.

That’s a good outcome @mumofblu .
Youve handled the situation well Imo.