Closing bedroom door when horse had bolted

[mumofblu]

Briefly my now 15 year old Dd is seeing her first bf again that she dated when she 13/14 .
They finished after I spoke to her and him about their behaviour in our house . She put on her story that she had given him blow jobs in our house / front room . I was told this by another parent and spoke to her , she said it wasn't true . Their "affection " with each other was full on and embarrassing in front of us and again I spoke to her . She was a very young immature 13 / 14 year old and I could see she was giddy over first bf .
They sat in front room etc to watch movies when he came round . He obv really liked her , same age but more experienced . I checked her phone and saw some stuff I wasn't happy about I spoke to them both saying they were being disrespectful to what we ( her dad and me ) had agreed with them . And I also saw photos of them in her bedroom , again this wasn't allowed but they sneaked in while I was busy outside with youngers .

I spoke to her about birth control at the time but she didn't like idea of it . The bf split up with her saying that I didn't approve of them , she was also talking to other boys ( in a flirty way ) which upset him . They were seeing each other 10 weeks .

Two weeks after they split she had a new bf from her school . Same age in her class . Saw him for 6 months . Same rules in house but this time she want upstairs to get changed to go out , he followed and they had unprotected sex .

They have now finished because he was seeing another girl . It was also a v worrying relationship in terms of aggression and behaviour . But let's just say I'm v glad it's over . They finished in June .

Now the first bf has reappeared. She told me they were talking and he'd been a good friend while she was having trouble with prev bf . She is now just 15 and on bc now .

She is a lot calmer and has matured but we have said the bc doesn't mean we are giving green light to having sex at home .

The old bf who she may now be seeing again did send me a message after they finished apologising after he finished saying he was sorry about what happened in our house and it shouldn't have happened ( him in her bedroom ) .

Tbh . They were young teenagers pushing boundaries , caught up in new emotions and behaving like sods .

She did look back and say recently that she was a bit embarrassed about it all now

Anyways old bf is back and she's asked if he can come round and watch Halloween movies in daytime

The room she used to sit and watch tv in is now youngers playroom . It's half term so younger is at home .

Aibu unreasonable to still say no to bedroom at 15 ( even though she's on bc and has been sexually active against our wishes ) .

Sorry about the long post .

I'm thinking of saying they have to be in main area of house during day so younger can play in her room ( play Mobil addict ) or go out and watch movie in evening
Or should I accept she's on bc , is 15 and let them in bedroom

Thoughts please

Same here

It was 50 / 50
She's obv no angel and he was her equal .

Part of me is relieved it's not the recent ex but we have to set our stall out for future
bf 's

@OldManEmu

I had all these conversations and we could talk about anything

Unfortunately last bf was abusive and we saw extensive bruising on her and when we asked about it she became defensive then ran away (to him but we didn't know where she was ) so we had to call police and contacted social services . So her trust in us is blown at the moment .

Completely understand about the future boyfriends worry, but the way I see it, if you empower her to know what is and isn't acceptable from the opposite sex, you're teaching her very valuable skills for the rest of her life. She can either make bad decisions and hide them from you or she can make bad decisions and know you'll always be there to support her. What you can't do is stop her making bad decisions, but you can help arm her against them.

@Axahooxa

Thankyou your supportive words are so appreciated x

You can almost guarantee it wasn't consensual?

What an absolutely ridiculous statement.
Have a word with yourself.

@Wewillraindrops

1. OP has said she is very young and immature for her age.

2. There is a SW involved.

3. The above means she’s obviously very vulnerable and easily coerced.

4. OP said DD went up to get changed and he followed her up.

5. OP said she was a MAXIMUM of 10 minutes - not many immature 14 year olds (let alone grown women) would have sex in under 10 minutes. It is obvious there was little to no foreplay involved.

I strongly disagree with some PPs.

OP, I think keeping your rules in place is very sensible.

Yes your daughter has had sex, but that doesn't mean she's crossed some sort of line or "the genie is out of the bottle" as one PP put it (and I find the underlying assumptions implicit in that idea really disturbing). She is still your daughter and she is still underage and in need of your parenting and support. Just as having had sex previously doesn't mean she has to consent to sex now, so also the fact she's had sex previously doesn't mean you have to give up your role as her mum or say "anything goes".

Having rules about what's ok at home is sensible even if the rules get broken- they give your daughter an out if she finds it hard to say no to things she doesn't want to do and they provide a boundary for her to push against. Take away the boundary completely and she may just find something even more worrying to do, in the hope of finding a boundary.

Everything you've said suggests that she's not emotionally mature enough for all this. Like a PP said, I'd be trying to work on her self-esteem a bit. I'd also try to find a way to talk about what is and isn't acceptable at home that isn't based on punishments- you don't have to respond to rules being broken by punishing her, you can use it as a basis to talk to her about what's going wrong. Try to help her see you as on her side.

It's your mindset surrounding point 5 that is almost comically wrong. Having this personal view about women and sex and then applying it to this situation to intimate that the OPs daughter was 'almost guaranteed' to be raped is all kinds of F'd up.

That's really tough, I'm sorry you all went through that. Hopefully though, you can build that trust back up whilst she's with this bf and hopefully now she's older she'll be more receptive to that.

@Wewillraindrops OP has said that the boyfriend was abusive and that her DD suffered extensive bruising. Querying whether the sex was consensual seems very sensible.

In other children I would agree that it is better to have sex at home that on the street in a bush.

But your DD is obviously very vulnerable and now you say she’s been in an abusive relationship too.

I know it’s hard putting boundaries up for teens but if this carries on then this is going to be her life as an adult too.

She needs to see that you enforce boundaries, so she can learn from you.

I thinks it’s great she’s on BC in case she does have sex but with someone like her who is obviously very easily coerced/manipulated then I would be saying that the bedroom door stays open at all times.

I don’t envy you as a wild teen is very hard to control but I think she is crying out for some boundaries and support because she’s unable to do it herself.

I lost my virginity at a very early age and was having sex with much older men. I thought I was enjoying myself and wanted sex but I was actually just being abused and taken advantage of.
I wished my mum put in more boundaries for me.

It's your mindset surrounding point 5 that is almost comically wrong. Having this personal view about women and sex and then applying it to this situation to intimate that the OPs daughter was 'almost guaranteed' to be raped is all kinds of F'd up.

@Wewillraindrops

It’s not just point 5 though is it - it’s the bigger picture and all of the points (and now that’s she’s been physically abused) put together.

It is statutory rape regardless, but if he was also underage the police won't prosecute if both say consensual. Some people need to watch the tea consent video! Just because she once had sex doesn't mean she must consent in the future.

Both day consensual

Even the bruising was consensual till she told me it wasn't then changed again .

No doubt she's vulnerable

My dd is the same age. Your post has given me a chill. She is being taken advantage of under your nose. 100% keep the bedroom door open.

@Boomboom22 "Statutory rape" is a USA term but in UK it is still an offence under even if both say it was 'consensual'.

lawstuff.org.uk/police-and-law/age-of-consent/

@JustOrderADoor
'Ok'. She doesn't need your permission or approval. FFS

I was talking about half term and agreeing. I also agree that she doesn't need my permission for her daughter to be off school!

What are you trying to say?

''Unfortunately last bf was abusive''

''Even the bruising was consensual till she told me it wasn't then changed again''

I am sorry OP but I think you really have to step up.

It sounds like your kid started her dating life with some serious issues with self-confidence and was pressured into having sex and doing things that caused her harm.

It is your job to talk to her not just about sex but about relationships and help her understand that because a boy wants to have sex it doesn't mean he cares about her or that she has to go along with whatever is being asked...

She is underage and you need to do all you can to make sure she is not being taken advantage of.

I think there is more to this than simply a teenager growing up and testing boundaries. What is happening is not healthy and you are leaving your daughter in a vulnerable position.

I would personally have some serious talks with her, find her some psychological support and ban any boys from your home.

I would also look at moving her to a new school environment so she can start afresh. Because there is also an issue that these boys will talk to each other and she might end up being groomed by another toxic boyfriend who knows she is vulnerable.

Sorry you're going through this OP and it's given me lots to think about as I have a 15 year old DD.
She's also just starting to have boyfriends but all seems quite fleeting at the moment; lasting maybe a few weeks and then into the next and all currently quite innocent (I think!)
She's reasonably open with me and says as yet she's got no interest in a sexual relationship but of course I'm remember being that age and that all that could quickly change

Am interested to read the split in views here; some saying "not under my roof" or "keep bedroom door open", whilst others are accepting that sex may happen and as long as it's safe then all is "ok".
It's a dilemma for me the right approach to take and I feel quite conflicted.

I wish I could offer advice, but it's so tough - you're stuck between a rock and a hard place. Allow potential opportunities for sex under your roof, or take a really hard line but know that she'll be finding somewhere that could be a lot less safe outside your home. I honestly don't know what's best. Taking a hard line might undo some of the work you've done building trust with her over the last awful year. But she also needs the boundaries you're putting in place for her - even if she doesn't agree with them.

I just want to say that you sound like an amazing mum who has done everything humanely possible to keep your daughter safe and help her. I can't imagine what you went through when she ran away from home. All the judgemental posters on this thread genuinely have no idea of the complexity of the situation or the thoroughness of your actions - as you've proven with every painful detail you're forced to counter with. They also seem to be completely oblivious to the fact that teenage girls can have raging libidos too, and be ready for sex in 10 seconds flat - it's not just boys.

Keep working with her on boundaries and self esteem - it took me years to get there. Try to keep her talking to you about sex, but probably more importantly the relationship itself. Good luck

At 15 there's not a huge amount you can do, I found out later what dd was up to - teach self respect, use contraception and encourage a wide amount of activities. Then you need to remember that she does have capacity to make these decisions, however uncomfortable we parents are

@Artygirlghost I agree with every word you say.

OP, you really do need to wake up.

Have a read of this, it may give you some motivation.

www.dailystar.co.uk/news/latest-news/mystery-schoolgirl-14-dark-secret-26912862

@Artygirlghost

Step up how I wonder

We had very open conversations about consent , keeping safe , underage etc before she even got a bf

As soon as she got a bf I banned him because of their behaviour together . That was love bites . And his dad banned her from their house .

Next bf was abusive . When I became concerned I continued to talk to her about good relationships and monitoring them . I could have not been clearer . She then began running away to his mates house because she wasn't allowed at his house

The mates mum kept me informed because I contacted her to say please let me know she's there and my concerns about behaviour with boys (and maybe her son / bf friend ) .

She then ran away and finally police and social services became involved .

I also started her in private counselling.

What more could I do to " step up "