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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

17 year old won't talk about contraception

87 replies

westendgirll · 16/10/2022 18:29

Hi, could anyone give me some advice from experience, please?

My daughter is 17, nearly 18, and she has a boyfriend her own age and he is a very pleasant boy, no problems at all with him. However, I have tried for months to talk to her about contraception. It has been extremely difficult, because she gets angry and clams up.

I have tried to bring the subject up at the most appropriate times when we are alone and she is in a good mood, but we haven't got that far.

She denied that he was her boyfriend for the first few months, even though it was obvious. He spends more time with him than anyone else and they are affectionate to each other. He split from her one day after an argument and she was totally devastated! They have now been back together for a few months (on and off for a year now.)

When I suggested that it was a good idea to go to the sexual health clinic, either with or without me, she went on about how the chemicals in the Pill, etc, were bad for your body and some rubbish about how women are told that they can't have certain contraception unless they are married! I told her that wasn't true, and she said that she wasn't having sex anyway.

However, I have found a large box of condoms badly hidden in her bedroom with some missing! I have a mixture of relief and concern because they seem to be using contraception, but, unfortunately, not the most effective method. She also had some pregnancy test kits.

For the record, she is anti marriage and babies and plans to go to university next year, so she isn't wanting to be pregnant or anything.

What can I say or do next? I went into her bedroom to talk about it but she is in one of her monosyllabic moods today. She hates me looking in her room, so I don't know how to explain that I know about the condoms. I actually don't mind them having sex as they are nearly 18...it's the denial and the poor contraception that is the problem to me!

OP posts:
Violettaa · 16/10/2022 18:33

I would have rather died than talk to my DM about contraception at her age (or now, tbh). I really don’t think you’ll get anywhere.

Is there an aunt or anyone that she’s close to that might help? Otherwise, I think you’ll just have to be glad she’s using condoms and leave her to it.

You pushing a subject she’s clearly uncomfortable with really isn’t going to go well.

Original poster
westendgirll · 16/10/2022 18:35

Hi, I have no family apart from her and my husband, her stepdad.

She has lots of family through her father but they live 150 miles away and are born again Christians! So, that conversation wouldn't go well

OP posts:
Mmmmdanone · 16/10/2022 18:36

Condoms are very good if used correctly. I think you just have to trust her and her bf to do so as she obviously does want to talk about it.

Mmmmdanone · 16/10/2022 18:36

Doesn't *

Cuppasoupmonster · 16/10/2022 18:37

Violettaa · 16/10/2022 18:33

I would have rather died than talk to my DM about contraception at her age (or now, tbh). I really don’t think you’ll get anywhere.

Is there an aunt or anyone that she’s close to that might help? Otherwise, I think you’ll just have to be glad she’s using condoms and leave her to it.

You pushing a subject she’s clearly uncomfortable with really isn’t going to go well.

This. She’s 17. She’ll understand the facts of life. She doesn’t need ‘the talk’.

shmiz · 16/10/2022 18:41

She sounds like she’s sorting things out -
big box of condoms and a few pregnancy tests,
based on that, her age, and her refusal to engage with you about this matter I think you should back off,
she is clearly aware that you are up for talking about contraception with her, wait for her to come to you if she needs to ?

Ponderingwindow · 16/10/2022 18:41

If you are going to have a real talk with her about contraception, you need to admit that hormonal birth control is effective but problematic. There needs to a discussion of all the available options with the pros and cons of each. You shouldn’t just be pushing the pill. Talk to her about how having two methods is ideal and she needs to consider what combinations might work best for her.

Original poster
westendgirll · 16/10/2022 18:44

Condoms are 80 percent effective if used properly. The Pill has fewer hormones than it did historically, and it not as problematic to the body and emotions as pregnancy and abortion can be.

OP posts:
Original poster
westendgirll · 16/10/2022 18:45

If she was 27, an accidental pregnancy would be such a different matter, but she is 17

OP posts:
Cuppasoupmonster · 16/10/2022 18:47

westendgirll · 16/10/2022 18:45

If she was 27, an accidental pregnancy would be such a different matter, but she is 17

Yeah but every parent worries about this, there’s nothing you can ‘do’ about it. Just trust them to be sensible.

Medoca · 16/10/2022 18:47

I’m close to my mum and I didn’t talk to her about contraception either. It looks like she’s got it under control and using a method she’s happy with. You could give a leaflet about the IUD to her, but other than that I would just leave it.

Elmo230885 · 16/10/2022 18:49

Condoms are 98% effective, not 80%, when used correctly.

Original poster
westendgirll · 16/10/2022 18:51

Re the condom stats...they are beginners, not experts, and I'm using the stats from our local NHS sexual health clinic 😁

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 16/10/2022 18:52

The pill can be really shit. MH, weight gain etc. Condoms, tests, MAP if needed, abortion if needed.

I'd make sure she knows about the MAP and when it is effective. And she could track her ovulation. But pushing the pill isn't a great idea.

Original poster
westendgirll · 16/10/2022 18:56

I'm not anti Pill, nor IUD...

OP posts:
HighlandPony · 16/10/2022 18:59

She’s using contraception. And has made her reasons for her choice known. Maybe she doesn’t want to talk about it because you’d prefer her on something she doesn’t want to take. For the record some women are refused certain contraception. No doctor would give me the combi or mini because they think I have an eating disorder (I don’t) and also my sister has lupus and her lse specialist is adamant it was caused by the pill she was on so I’d be at an even greater risk. Non hormonal contraception is the best option for many women.

karalimed · 16/10/2022 18:59

But she did talk to you about contraception.

She has made her choice about which contraception to use, you need to just accept it and stop trying to force your opinion on her.

Condoms are perfectly fine. The NHS themselves says they are 98% effective, not 80%.

shmiz · 16/10/2022 19:04

westendgirll · 16/10/2022 18:51

Re the condom stats...they are beginners, not experts, and I'm using the stats from our local NHS sexual health clinic 😁

Omg they are beginners not experts!
don’t say that to your DD !!
I think you need to step back !!
she’s 17 and got things under control !!!

JayPritchet · 16/10/2022 19:04

Tbh, your stats of condoms are wrong, condoms are also not that difficult to use and when I was younger I didn't want to talk to my mum about this stuff and I took myself off to the doctors and got my contraception sorted and just didn't tell her.

CovertImage · 16/10/2022 19:05

I've just learned how parenting works thanks to Mumsnet. Apparently you can never talk to your young adult kids about anything at all because boundaries. Got it.

Anyone who thinks that condoms only are sensible birth control for teenagers is a moron

shmiz · 16/10/2022 19:10

CovertImage · 16/10/2022 19:05

I've just learned how parenting works thanks to Mumsnet. Apparently you can never talk to your young adult kids about anything at all because boundaries. Got it.

Anyone who thinks that condoms only are sensible birth control for teenagers is a moron

What an over dramatic reaction !!
the OP has been trying to talk to her DD -
great !
the DD is not up for discussing this with her mum - fairly typical.
the DD is using contraception
the mum wants the DD to talk about it, consider other methods,
the DD has her concerns about other methods and is clearly stating that she does not wish to discuss this further with her mum !
people are suggesting that the OP steps back
NOT “you can never talk to young adult DC…..” !!!!

Original poster
westendgirll · 16/10/2022 19:12

Thank you Covertimage

They are still at school even if they are nearly adults, not responsible experienced grown ups

OP posts:
ffsnotagainandagain · 16/10/2022 19:13

What is wrong with condoms? Am I missing something? They are the only contraception I used from being a sexually active teenager to becoming a mother at 25 (planned)

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/10/2022 19:15

Anyone who thinks that condoms only are sensible birth control for teenagers is a moron

And anyone who thinks girls should be pushed onto hormone contraception for their entire life is a twat.

bare · 16/10/2022 19:18

There's a huge 'backlash' against hormonal contraception amongst Dd who is 17 and her friends. They tell massive horror stories to each other about weight gain, crying etc. I know it's really not the first port of call for them at all.