17 year old won't talk about contraception

[westendgirll]

Hi, could anyone give me some advice from experience, please?

My daughter is 17, nearly 18, and she has a boyfriend her own age and he is a very pleasant boy, no problems at all with him. However, I have tried for months to talk to her about contraception. It has been extremely difficult, because she gets angry and clams up.

I have tried to bring the subject up at the most appropriate times when we are alone and she is in a good mood, but we haven't got that far.

She denied that he was her boyfriend for the first few months, even though it was obvious. He spends more time with him than anyone else and they are affectionate to each other. He split from her one day after an argument and she was totally devastated! They have now been back together for a few months (on and off for a year now.)

When I suggested that it was a good idea to go to the sexual health clinic, either with or without me, she went on about how the chemicals in the Pill, etc, were bad for your body and some rubbish about how women are told that they can't have certain contraception unless they are married! I told her that wasn't true, and she said that she wasn't having sex anyway.

However, I have found a large box of condoms badly hidden in her bedroom with some missing! I have a mixture of relief and concern because they seem to be using contraception, but, unfortunately, not the most effective method. She also had some pregnancy test kits.

For the record, she is anti marriage and babies and plans to go to university next year, so she isn't wanting to be pregnant or anything.

What can I say or do next? I went into her bedroom to talk about it but she is in one of her monosyllabic moods today. She hates me looking in her room, so I don't know how to explain that I know about the condoms. I actually don't mind them having sex as they are nearly 18...it's the denial and the poor contraception that is the problem to me!

sorry but i think you are being very dismissive of her concerns about the pill, I have never ever used the pill, always used condoms precisely because of 1) STD's (if you say you are on the pill how many young men would try to get out of wearing a condom?? ) and 2) likewise didn't want to use a hormonal form of contraception because of impact on mood. Perhaps if you showed some understanding that's its a 2 way discussion about what she does to her body?

She's made the decision that's right for her body and is using condoms. They are very effective if used correctly. Maybe she's also ok with an abortion if she gets pregnant. Either way, she's made it clear it's none of your business so I'd back off. She sounds sensible. I would never have talked to my mum about contraception and only used condoms for years.

It’s you that needs a bit of education, I’m afraid. Male condoms when used correctly are 98% effective.
I think perhaps £35 in an envelope with instructions to buy MAP from Boots in the event of any incident.

So she is using contraception, just not you’re preferred method. SHE IS NOT YOU. ITS HER BODY AND SHE CAN USE WHATEVER CONTRACEPTION SHE CHOOSES.

She hasn't refused to talk to you, she's just made a different choice to what you want.

Wind your neck in.

I got pregnant on the pill at 17. I took it every day at the same time, wasn't sick, I followed the rule book and got pregnant. The pill isn't 100% either.

OP, keep your nose out of another woman's sex life. That is my advice. Even if it's late.

You are all mad here! I have parental responsibility for this woman. Stuff your crazy Internet theories about hormonal contraception btw. Do you really believe that teenagers should be okay with getting pregnant? Do you? I'm curious what your worldview is now

Well no, seems you can't force her to have an awkward conversation either, so...

You need to let it go.

I suspect that you’re totally right about double contraception being better. But you’ve tried to talk and she doesn’t want to, so I’m really not sure what you think you can do.

Hmmm reading that last post from you OP makes it abundantly clear why she doesnt want to talk to you about contraception.

she feels differently to you do about hormonal contraception: that is her right and doesn’t automatically condemn her to a life if poverty in a grim flat.

Concern yourself (as far as she'll let you) with your own teenager, who isn't okay with getting pregnant and is handling it.

i think that is her private life.
she obviously doesn't want to discuss it with you.
you need to respect that.

Oestrogen based contraception nearly killed me as a healthy woman in my 20s. Not a hope in hell I’d be pushing my teenage daughter to go on the combined pill. It’s certainly not a conspiracy theory believe me.

She's using contraception. What's your problem. Do you want to supervise them to make sure they're using condoms in an expert manner or something. Why have you gone from her using to condoms she's going to get pregnant mid History paper 2 and then move into a bed sit heated by a single bar heater.

If you react like that I'm not surprised she doesn't want to discuss with you.

Yes, the OP is right about double contraception esp. as teenagers are so fertile, but it does sound as if the DD is being sensible using condoms.

I'm not sure what else you can do, OP, you've tried to discuss the subject, but she doesn't want to. All you can do is hope that they're v. careful and she doesn't get pregnant. My DD is also 17 and I understand your concern.

I understand your angst and no, I’d have been very unhappy if any of our children created a child whilst still a child themselves. She does have a right to make her own decisions though. You can’t force a conversation and I’m not convinced your approach is ideal.

What you should have done is ensure accurate information, including short and long term risks of casual sex, various forms of contraception and correct use, relationship skills and the confidence to say no, if they are not ready.

You aren’t even peddling correct information about effectiveness, so may not be best placed to help make decisions. The pill only works if taken regularly and teenagers are notoriously bad at that.

She needs support so that she knows she can come to you, or a trusted friend/relative if there is any problem that she needs help with as she enters the adult world. Not hysteria.

I feel sorry for the OP, she’s tried her best but teenagers have a very black and white view on things and seem to be very anti hormonal contraception even though many women have used it for years with few issues. Using the MAP if it all goes wrong will give her body a healthy dose of hormones in itself.

Could you print out some information on all the various contraception methods including pros and cons of each. Leave them in her room. Let her make an informed decision if she wants to.
Don't try and force her into a conversation she doesn't want to have with you.

Hormonal birth control comes with a plethora of risks that condoms don't have. Condoms are also a very effective method. I don't see what your issue is? And children these days get a comprehensive education in school. I'd be more concerned that your daughter doesn't feel that she can discuss having a boyfriend with you.

As the mother of a son I understand your concerns from the otherside too. Ds(18) is in his first serious relationship. When it started and he was 17 and she was 16 I talked to him about contraception. They use condoms. She has choosen not to use hormonal contraception as she is into athletics and concerned about the effects on her body (absolutely her choice).

I have talked to him about both their future plans (they have both started uni this year), suggested thinking about doubling up contraception (cap/diaphram/spermicide), MAP, where to go for advice, how difficult a decision to terminate an unplanned pg could be, how it would be a decision he couldnt/shouldn't be able to control etc.

He tells me not to worry as its ok, and almost gave me a heart attack when he said they had had a couple of torn condoms, they didnt get MAP and nothing bad happened 😮. He has listened and anything I say will just be yet another repeat.

Been nearly a year and thankfully no pg I am aware of, but i've done my bit, he is 18 and as fully informed as I am capable of, I have to assume her parents have had the same conversations with her, and it is up to them now. 🤞🏼🤞🏼🤞🏼🤞🏼🤞🏼🤞🏼🤞🏼🤞🏼🤞🏼

What?

Have some of the MAP on hand but also have an honest conversation about the consequences of an unintended pregnancy to her future. And make it clear that you are not up for raising grandchildren, so if she does get pregnant and refuse an abortion, she'll have to sort out benefits, job, living quarters, etc. on her own or with her boyfriend.

Condoms aren't going to cut it for long. Everyone knows the tempation to do without, especially at that age, in the heat of the moment. I don't blame you for being concerned, OP.

Yeah, until she gets pregnant as an uneducated, barely employable teenager -- and her parents and the taxpayers are footing the bill for her "private" life for years to come.

Unwed teen pregnancies are not some simple mishap like a credit card debt or minor car accident, that can be ameliorated with a little time and effort. Unless she is amenable to abortion, the lives of a number of people will be irrevocably altered by one careless sex act.

Let's hope she "doesn't want to discuss" childcare, money, where to live, etc. with OP either, if she wants to be so "private" about her life.

What conspiracy theories are you talking about?

I don’t think you are in any position to guide your DD.