17 year old won't talk about contraception

[westendgirll]

Hi, could anyone give me some advice from experience, please?

My daughter is 17, nearly 18, and she has a boyfriend her own age and he is a very pleasant boy, no problems at all with him. However, I have tried for months to talk to her about contraception. It has been extremely difficult, because she gets angry and clams up.

I have tried to bring the subject up at the most appropriate times when we are alone and she is in a good mood, but we haven't got that far.

She denied that he was her boyfriend for the first few months, even though it was obvious. He spends more time with him than anyone else and they are affectionate to each other. He split from her one day after an argument and she was totally devastated! They have now been back together for a few months (on and off for a year now.)

When I suggested that it was a good idea to go to the sexual health clinic, either with or without me, she went on about how the chemicals in the Pill, etc, were bad for your body and some rubbish about how women are told that they can't have certain contraception unless they are married! I told her that wasn't true, and she said that she wasn't having sex anyway.

However, I have found a large box of condoms badly hidden in her bedroom with some missing! I have a mixture of relief and concern because they seem to be using contraception, but, unfortunately, not the most effective method. She also had some pregnancy test kits.

For the record, she is anti marriage and babies and plans to go to university next year, so she isn't wanting to be pregnant or anything.

What can I say or do next? I went into her bedroom to talk about it but she is in one of her monosyllabic moods today. She hates me looking in her room, so I don't know how to explain that I know about the condoms. I actually don't mind them having sex as they are nearly 18...it's the denial and the poor contraception that is the problem to me!

Sorry op but I think these are conversations you have to have much earlier
now it seems like she’s told you her reasons and it’s up to her what she does with her body. She’s using the protection she has decided is best for her
and she’s checking for pregnancy too which seems sensible. Yeah

you could tell her that two options are better than one, you could tell her about MAP but I’m not sure what more you can do

Perhaps research another type of protection that meets her criteria of no additional hormones and suggest that,
but she doesn’t want to take the pill and you pushing it probably isn’t going to help, even if you don’t agree with her (and I understand why you dont!).

I agree OP. She clearly doesn't know what she's doing so you should pay a HCP to give her the contraception depot injection while she's asleep. That'll teach her.

Condoms are 98% effective.

I wouldn’t push the pill on her if she doesn’t want it - my dd was prescribed it for period pains and it produced very low moods - same for my ds’s gf and a few other I know.

www.nhs.uk/conditions/contraception/male-condoms/

I totally agree with @Violettaa in the very first reply.

Most of us would have died rather than talking to our Mums about contraception at that point in a relationship.
Ditto for those of us old enough to have dc who have been at this stage.

You need to have done the ground work long before now, and then possibly leave some leaflets with contact details for a local clinic, where she will see them.

However this response from you You are all mad here! I have parental responsibility for this woman. Stuff your crazy Internet theories about hormonal contraception btw is just bizarre, and incredibly rude.
You've come here to ask for advice and then this is the reply you give to people who have bothered to comment.

It's not crazy internet theories, it's our actual experience of taking it and the well documented side effects on the box.

Side effects such as acne, mood swings, low libido, inability to orgasm etc are extremely common and are just dismissed as if they are not important.

Quite rightly, a lot of young women are not prepared to accept that anymore just so that sex can feel nicer for men.

You have a responsibility to provide space to talk and information, but not to control or decide.

Another thing you could do is ask her whether she'd be willing to visit a clinic to discuss contraceptive options, as you appreciate that you're not an expert on the subject, but wouldn't it be worth discussing it with someone who is?

I'm in the US so a different system. I asked DD at 16 if she'd like me to make her a doctor's appointment to discuss sexual health. DD was willing to do this, and they had a confidential conversation. DD was given information and where to call for an appointment if she wanted to begin any long-term contraception.

She is 17, you need to butt out !

Just think of the poor blokes then, the only choice they have is a crap form of contraception with a 80 something according to the NHS website. The other forms of contraception are all controlled by the woman.

So.......for everyone saying that OP has her stats wrong...she doesn't.
Condoms are only 98% effective when used PERFECTLY.
TYPICAL use is 82%. Checkout the "sexwise" website for more info. Very few couples use condoms perfectly every time i.e.... a condom BEFORE any genital contact...throughout entire sex...and without any accidents for all episodes of sex. Of course there are plenty of people who do; and that's great. They protect against STIs so even if there is other contraception on board; they are important. I prescribe emergency contraception; and quite often for couples who have repeated condom accidents...when I enquire further; they simply don't know how to use condoms properly....e.g. remembering to squeeze air out of the tip; not using oil based lubricants with latex condoms etc.

OP in my opinion is simply trying to guide and support her non-adult child. When did this become a bad thing as a mother????!!!

OP - why not provide her with the details of your local sexual health clinic. They are likely to have a young-people's clinic; just in case she chooses to discuss her options further. Good for STI screening and free emergency contraception should the need arise.

Also consider having a chat with her boyfriend's mum if you know each other. Perhaps she could have a gentle chat with them both also; even if it is to reinforce the importance of correct condom use etc.

DOI - I am a sexual health doctor.

I'd buy a huge box of condoms, the MAP and leave them in her room along with some leaflets about all the different types of birth control, with a post-it saying "Have fun, be safe, know your options and I'm here if you ever want to talk about anything".

Giving her condoms shows you're respecting her choices (and it's better she's using those than nothing at all), and the MAP so she's never caught in a pickle.

If she doesn't want to talk at least you've given her some information in a non-pushy way and let her know you're there.

I have a history of poisoning from various prescription drugs. The pill was the first to weaken me. I was fine as a young woman taking it though. Just not as an older one. Albeit my story is rare, it isn’t a bloody crazy internet theory.

The MAP is very strong, and is supposed to be used only in emergencies. Not left in a teenager’s bedroom in case they fancy goes condom-less.

It may be helpful to also mention the risks associated with hormonal birth control then. Risks have historically been touted as minimal but more recent longitudinal studies have highlighted significant risk, particularly around cervical and breast cancers developing in later life.

This can be done during an actual clinical consultation. Risks and benefits should always be discussed as part of the contraception counselling consultation and is something I always do, as well as my specialist colleagues. Ultimately it is the individual's choice; our role is to provide information and guidance. There is no "one size fits all" and what is a great option for one person; isn't for another. The sample applies to condoms.

Same*

Thank you for the work you do, @LittleMermaid7 . I found that DD (17) paid far more attention to the doctor than me-as she should, they are far better informed than me.

I used double contraception when I was younger (Pill and condoms), then just the Pill in my 20’s. The one time we took a risk when I was 30 (we’d moved house and I hadn’t had a chance to refill my prescription) DD was the result. 😂

🤣had to laugh at your "there is no one size fits all.......and the same applies to condoms"🤣

Shes using condoms. That's a pretty good scenario realistically. You've tried to suggest alternative methods and she's told you she doesn't want the hormones from the contraceptive pill which is completely fair enough. Listen to her.

Not sure why that's funny...I was (as I am sure you know) referring to the contraceptive options available..BUT in actual fact there are different sizes of condoms too which people need to be aware of...another frequent reason for condoms breaks/accidents....assume you didn't know this....hence why you're laughing?

I understand your concerns about her getting pregnant, but the pill isn't always the answer for everyone. Hormonal contraception has side effects, and for some people these can be really unpleasant. The pill also doesn't protect from STI's, many young people who are on the pill think this gives them the green light for unprotected sex and risk picking up nasty infections.

Your daughter is over the age of consent, she has made a decision to use condoms as her method of contraception, my feelings is you should respect her decision, but be clear that she can talk to you if an accident does happen.

She's 17. You need to let it go. She's using condoms. I'm sure if she wants another form of contraception she can access it.

i spoke to my 17 year old son about contraception. He is using condoms with his 17 year old girlfriend. She doesn’t want to go on the pill. I’ve said my concerns, but ultimately there isn’t much more I can do, at least they are using condoms. It’s her body and it’s certainly not my right to speak to her.

She's 17. She's not a child and certainly doesn't need her mother nagging her about hormonal contraceptives. And ultimately, it's probably going to make her less likely to want to use it.
She's using condoms. That's fine. It's her body. They're 98% effective. www.nhs.uk/conditions/contraception/male-condoms/

I can also confidently say I know more pill babies than split condom babies.

@LittleMermaid7 the couples asking for emergency contraception claiming that the “condom burst” are just too embarrassed to admit that they didn’t use any contraception because they were drunk/coerced/carried away. I’ve said “condom burst” to a doctor twice myself, it wasn’t true either time. What was more accurate both times was a guy had got me extremely drunk and then bullied me into unprotected sex and I did not want to talk about it.

Anyway OP if she doesn’t want the pill there’s not much you can do. It is her decision. Just please don’t get her on the coil (so many health problems can result, my experience was horrid) or implant (literally everyone I know who tried the implant struggled with depression until the implant came out).