17 year old won't talk about contraception

[westendgirll]

Hi, could anyone give me some advice from experience, please?

My daughter is 17, nearly 18, and she has a boyfriend her own age and he is a very pleasant boy, no problems at all with him. However, I have tried for months to talk to her about contraception. It has been extremely difficult, because she gets angry and clams up.

I have tried to bring the subject up at the most appropriate times when we are alone and she is in a good mood, but we haven't got that far.

She denied that he was her boyfriend for the first few months, even though it was obvious. He spends more time with him than anyone else and they are affectionate to each other. He split from her one day after an argument and she was totally devastated! They have now been back together for a few months (on and off for a year now.)

When I suggested that it was a good idea to go to the sexual health clinic, either with or without me, she went on about how the chemicals in the Pill, etc, were bad for your body and some rubbish about how women are told that they can't have certain contraception unless they are married! I told her that wasn't true, and she said that she wasn't having sex anyway.

However, I have found a large box of condoms badly hidden in her bedroom with some missing! I have a mixture of relief and concern because they seem to be using contraception, but, unfortunately, not the most effective method. She also had some pregnancy test kits.

For the record, she is anti marriage and babies and plans to go to university next year, so she isn't wanting to be pregnant or anything.

What can I say or do next? I went into her bedroom to talk about it but she is in one of her monosyllabic moods today. She hates me looking in her room, so I don't know how to explain that I know about the condoms. I actually don't mind them having sex as they are nearly 18...it's the denial and the poor contraception that is the problem to me!

I'm sorry that's been your experience...
We are under no illusion as HCPs that patients will often avoid telling us the entire truth for whatever reaso...however the beauty of our job is building that trust and rapport...and quite often what they start saying at the beginning is different to what comes out at the end....In specialist clinics you see experts who have 30 mins for most standard consultations (not 5-10 mins as with a GP)...we have the time to explore and listen. Sexual assault is in fact very frequently disclosed in cases where it wasn't the "presenting complaint".
Sexual health services are mostly open-access...no referral required....and entirely confidential.

Thanks @Cameleongirl
Truly passionate about the work I do and I work with a fantastic equally passionate team. An important, often overlooked aspect of healthcare.

The fact she's using condoms is reassuring. Hormonal contraception is becoming less and less popular - there are risks to health with certain types, changes in weight, mood, libido etc and an awareness that using contraception can mask other health/fertility issues such as PCOS. This isn't some kind of conspiracy talk!

You could try to speak to her about non-hormonal methods. The only two I'm aware of are condoms and the non-hormone coil (although I don't know anyone with great stories about the coil! Not pregnancies but painful periods etc).

I understand the concern, but as others have said you shouldn't try to force her into anything.

I think you need to step back a bit. She obviously knows about condoms etc. I would just tell her that you're there if she ever wants to talk. Perhaps add that you won't be raising any unplanned babies, if you feel you want to say that.

Gone are the days when girls are wheeled into the GP and put on the pill automatically. She's dealing with it, in her own way, which is her perogative.

Condoms offer benefits that the pill doesn't in terms of STD protection. Talking at her about this won't work. You can't nag her, frighten her, force her onto the pill because that is what you want, and the groundwork for these conversations begins way way before the boyfriend and the box of condoms appear.

As for the advice about contacting her boyfriends mother and rounding on them from both sides, don't do this if you want either of them to ever talk to you again! Slow down and imagine how you'd have felt at this age in this situation? Do what would have felt helpful then for you. Approach it like you wish your mother had. She will be picking up on your tension around this, no matter how chummy you feel your chats are and how well you feel you're picking your moments.

Why are you snooping around her bedroom?

Poor men, not having to take hormonal birth control with side effects and risk pregnancy if they don't.

They aren't poor protection if used properly . I've been using them for nearly 8 years as can't use anything else

she went on about how the chemicals in the Pill, etc, were bad for your body and some rubbish about how women are told that they can't have certain contraception unless they are married! I told her that wasn't true, and she said that she wasn't having sex anyway.

If she's said that, she's not refusing to talk about contraception. She just doesn't agree with you about which contraception is best for her. While using two methods of contraception would be safer, it's her decision what she wants to put in her body. You can't force her to take hormonal birth control.

I agree with everyone else. You've expressed your point of view and now you really need to drop this and leave it to her. She's 17 and has made a perfectly reasonable choice of contraception. I'd have more sympathy if she said she was using the withdrawal method or similar!

I think it's good that teens are now clued up about the fact that they don't have to accept hormonal contraception in the form of the pill. Many women I know in my age bracket (early 30s) have switched away from the pill in the last few years and have no plans to resume it (I too would never go back on the pill). The ones who are still on hormonal contraception are using the IUD but I don't blame a 17 year old for not being up for that. She doesn't want to get pregnant, you have to trust her. It's also good for her to be in the habit of using condoms for when she heads off to university and (inevitably) breaks up with this boy and starts dating other people.

What a load of shit, I’ve been pregnant and I’ve had two abortions, medically necessary for one but the other one was something I chose, and neither fucked me up in the way the pill did.