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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Would you make your teenager attend a detention under these circumstances?

87 replies

RoastOtter · 11/10/2022 16:33

DS is in year 11. He has been given a detention for not having his shirt tucked in twice last week. I will add he is always in clean and correct uniform complete with blazer and tie every day. He just sometimes had his shirt out

He didn't attend today. I asked him why not and he said he would always go to one for lack of homework or talking in class but he didn't see the point just for having his shirt untucked

For not attending, he needs to go tomorrow until 5pm. And then, if he doesn't go to that, he will be isolated the following day from lunch time and made to stay in school until 5pm

I'm torn. Instinctively I want to say ' you know the rules on uniform, bloody well go to the detention'

On the other hand, I think it's ridiculous. He's had 2 detentions in his entire time at school and he's almost 16. One for lack of homework and one for too much talking, so he's not particularly badly behaved. He attended both of these

So what would you do? Force him to go because those are the rules? Or something else?

OP posts:
Original poster
RoastOtter · 11/10/2022 16:35

I'm veering towards forcing him to go tbh. Because , well, rules! And I like to back and support the school usually

OP posts:
Blowyourowntrumpet · 11/10/2022 16:36

Why are you even questioning it?

Original poster
RoastOtter · 11/10/2022 16:37

@Blowyourowntrumpet you think he should go, no question?

And I normally wouldn't. Rules are rules. And he's not supposed to have his shirt tucked out

OP posts:
noblegiraffe · 11/10/2022 16:38

The detention was for not tucking his shirt in. Now the sanction is for defiance.

If he ends up missing out on a day of school because he doesn't think the rules should apply to him, I would be clear that that is unacceptable.

ThisIsNotARealAvo · 11/10/2022 16:38

I hate these stupid uniform rules so much. I'd say it was up to him if he goes but he will have to take the consequences the school then gives - internal or whatever. Also ridiculous. I really don't know why we need uniform when most of the rest of the world seems to manage pretty well without it.

Original poster
RoastOtter · 11/10/2022 16:40

I have left it with him saying he must go. Which I said to him yesterday! He feels differently as he didn't go

So he knows my feelings but I'm struggling with this one because I keep thinking 'this is really silly'

And yes - it's defiance now I suppose

OP posts:
CoralBells · 11/10/2022 16:43

I think it's about defiance too. Refusing to wear the correct uniform and then refusing to go to detention.

gogohmm · 11/10/2022 16:46

Make him go. Sometimes you have to follow rules. I'm going to an event in a couple of weeks and there's a strict completely unnecessary and over the top dress code but unless I comply I can't go. Same with school

Original poster
RoastOtter · 11/10/2022 16:46

He doesn't refuse to wear the correct uniform. He's in complete uniform. He just doesn't tuck his shirt in when it comes out

OP posts:
ThatPirateLady · 11/10/2022 16:47

A bit of defiance is better than blindly following the rules. If he thinks this is a hill worth dying on at 16 I might just let him.

I might also teach him how to challenge stupid rules in other ways. In this instance that might be researching if uniform makes a difference to school performance. Why uniform exists and if it’s a positive (or negative) for the school and pupils. Etc. and then presenting that research with the goal of Changing the rules.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 11/10/2022 16:48

I would make him go, because he needs to accept the consequences of his actions.

Having said that, I would also be writing to the school to express my dismay at the rules which are in place and/or talking to my dc about how they could legitimately protest against the stupid rules without actually breaking them.

Skelligsfeathers · 11/10/2022 16:48

Yes he needs to go. If you tell him that nit going is an option, then what message are you sending about bigger more important rules in life?

CoralBells · 11/10/2022 16:50

RoastOtter · 11/10/2022 16:46

He doesn't refuse to wear the correct uniform. He's in complete uniform. He just doesn't tuck his shirt in when it comes out

Which is against the uniform code

MzHz · 11/10/2022 16:51

My ds grew so much in lockdown that all of his shirts were too short and if he moved, they untucked themselves

he explained this. Dopey teacher wanted to give him an after school detention but that makes him miss the only bus back. The bus time was moved earlier because of covid, the lunchtimes were staggered because of covid.

I told teacher that ds couldn’t do an after school detention because they couldn’t arrange something in the school day, and besides this was not a defiance thing, it was a ‘we’ve spent a shit Load of cash on shirts that he’s hardly worn and will only need to wear for a couple more months’ thing.

I ended up speaking to the head about it and they dropped the detention

Mydpisgrumpierthanyours · 11/10/2022 16:51

No I would not and ide be pretty pissed teachers were spending valuable learning time chasing around 1 well behaved child just because his shirt was untucked.
Its batshit crazy.

lannistunut · 11/10/2022 16:51

I would say to him that whilst the rules are not what I support (I am opposed to uniform full stop) the rules are clear, he broke them, and then leave him to it. If he wants to be defiant, he can be defiant.

Some teens are defiant. It is part of the growing up process for some people.

So I would tell him my advice is go to the detention rather than escalate it, and see what he says. Try to teach him to be pragmatic about it?

NowtSalamander · 11/10/2022 16:52

“Should he go to detention” implies you are being supportive of the idea he even has a choice. Those are the rules of the school. You follow the rules or you home school. Parents shouldn’t make teachers’ jobs harder by even implying the school rules are stupid and pointless let alone that there’s a choice about follwing them.

lannistunut · 11/10/2022 16:53

CoralBells · 11/10/2022 16:50

Which is against the uniform code

Show quote history

This sort of thing which is against the uniform code is so pathetic it makes my head hurt.

catsonahottinroof · 11/10/2022 16:53

It does sound ridiculous - even in the really strict uniform academy schools the teachers normally turn a blind eye in year 11. The thing is, if he doesn't go to the detention tomorrow, what will happen the day after? Will he go to isolation and then walk out of school? This could turn into repeated isolations and he will be missing too many lessons.
I don't know the answer as it's really unfair but I would try to get your son to do the detention tomorrow, and then make his protest known by writing to the governing body.

CuriousCatfish · 11/10/2022 16:54

I'd be pissed off he got a detention for such a stupid rule.

lannistunut · 11/10/2022 16:54

NowtSalamander · 11/10/2022 16:52

“Should he go to detention” implies you are being supportive of the idea he even has a choice. Those are the rules of the school. You follow the rules or you home school. Parents shouldn’t make teachers’ jobs harder by even implying the school rules are stupid and pointless let alone that there’s a choice about follwing them.

Have you never queried anything school has done/said ever?

How to raise doormats.

CuriousCatfish · 11/10/2022 16:55

NowtSalamander · 11/10/2022 16:52

“Should he go to detention” implies you are being supportive of the idea he even has a choice. Those are the rules of the school. You follow the rules or you home school. Parents shouldn’t make teachers’ jobs harder by even implying the school rules are stupid and pointless let alone that there’s a choice about follwing them.

Some rules are stupid and pointless though.

CrapBucket · 11/10/2022 16:56

I'd leave it between him and the school. He is old enough to fight this battle. And I agree its a stupid rule.

ghostsandpumpkinsalready · 11/10/2022 16:58

However stupid the rules are he knows there will be consequences for not following them so I would make him do the detention.

WhatNoRaisins · 11/10/2022 16:58

Is he deliberately not tucking in his shirt or are we talking about a wardrobe malfunction? If the latter then I agree it's a petty rule that achieves nothing but conflict.

That said it would be better if he just got his punishment over with.

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