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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Would you make your teenager attend a detention under these circumstances?

87 replies

RoastOtter · 11/10/2022 16:33

DS is in year 11. He has been given a detention for not having his shirt tucked in twice last week. I will add he is always in clean and correct uniform complete with blazer and tie every day. He just sometimes had his shirt out

He didn't attend today. I asked him why not and he said he would always go to one for lack of homework or talking in class but he didn't see the point just for having his shirt untucked

For not attending, he needs to go tomorrow until 5pm. And then, if he doesn't go to that, he will be isolated the following day from lunch time and made to stay in school until 5pm

I'm torn. Instinctively I want to say ' you know the rules on uniform, bloody well go to the detention'

On the other hand, I think it's ridiculous. He's had 2 detentions in his entire time at school and he's almost 16. One for lack of homework and one for too much talking, so he's not particularly badly behaved. He attended both of these

So what would you do? Force him to go because those are the rules? Or something else?

OP posts:

Idroppedthescrewinthetuna · 11/10/2022 19:00

Slightly different thing.
I had a bedtime for my DD. An hour after her bedtime I caught her not trying to go sleep and on her tablet. My daughter was disciplined for ignoring my rules (no tablet for 2 days)
However she did articulate why she disagreed with my rule and her bedtime was extended.

There are so many rules in life we think are stupid. However we should follow them. This does not mean we can not express our opinion t hope for change.

Dontwanttobeyourmonkeywench · 11/10/2022 19:14

Tucking in a shirt during science or tech when it is an actual health and safety issue is fair enough, otherwise I tend to be quite meh about it as a school rule. Then again, I have a DD who goes down the route of malicious compliance 🤷‍♀️ She got pulled because she wasn't wearing grey socks (which were in her bag to change into because it was raining and she had left in white socks that she slept in) so now she has a myriad of grey socks in varying lengths and shades (current favourite being the lightest shade of grey that is definitely not white) because the rules only stipulate grey. Drives her form teacher mad but as I pointed out, they are grey. Can't wait until she finishes GCSE year and then she's out of there.

Helenloveslee4eva · 11/10/2022 19:16

To me this comes under “ maybe your choices take the consequences “

Helenloveslee4eva · 11/10/2022 19:17

Helenloveslee4eva · 11/10/2022 19:16

To me this comes under “ maybe your choices take the consequences “

MAKE

Ponderingwindow · 11/10/2022 19:22

It is a stupid rule.

if he wants to protest the rule he should do that officially, not by simply ignoring the rule and then ignoring the consequences.

sometimes protests do involve intentional rule or law breaking, but the protestors must be prepared to serve the expected punishment.

Assuming you have provided him with appropriate clothing, I would make him do the detention.

watcherintherye · 11/10/2022 19:32

I would make him go, because he needs to accept the consequences of his actions.

You need to accept the consequences of your actions when they impact other people. Not doing homework may mean the teacher has to waste time going over things which the homework was designed to reinforce. Talking in class is disruptive to the teacher and other pupils. I don’t think not having your shirt tucked in impacts on anyone, tbh.

SnoozyLucy7 · 11/10/2022 19:40

watcherintherye · 11/10/2022 19:32

I would make him go, because he needs to accept the consequences of his actions.

Yes, it does because the teachers are expected to enforce that rule. They are told, by their bosses, that they must enforce the tucked in shirt rule.

So you have a bunch kids who refuse to comply because they think it’s “a silly rule”. So the teacher spends what should be their teaching time, enforcing this rule, continuously, and enforcing subsequent penalties for continued defiance. So the person not following this rule is actually wasting everyone’s time, in that class, in that lesson.

tsmainsqueeze · 11/10/2022 19:44

ThisIsNotARealAvo · 11/10/2022 16:38

I hate these stupid uniform rules so much. I'd say it was up to him if he goes but he will have to take the consequences the school then gives - internal or whatever. Also ridiculous. I really don't know why we need uniform when most of the rest of the world seems to manage pretty well without it.

My thoughts too , i can't stand the pettiness of some school rules, i think i would let him decide how to handle this as school are not going to support you .
There are so many things a lot more important than an untucked shirt that schools should be more concerned about , i currently have my youngest child in year 10, i don't wish her life away but i will not miss so many trivial rules that i just cannot get worked up about.

Original poster

RoastOtter · 11/10/2022 19:44

@watcherintherye yes I think I agree with that.

I've spoken to him. I've explained my view on it which is ' you should go to this detention and I'd like you to go. The rules are clear and you and your mates wanting to follow fashion isn't a good enough reason for not following the rules.'

I've told him that it's now down to him what he chooses to do, knowing my feelings on it. And if he chooses not to attend, I will not get involved further with backing him with the school,

I can't 'make him' go. I can only point out the potential pitfalls of not attending and why I think he should be.

If this was for a lack of homework or disruption in class then yes - I'd be cross with him and a lot more forceful and he said himself he'd absolutely be attending a detention for those reasons

But for now, I feel that the right thing for me to do is strongly encourage attendance but ultimately leave it to him to decide if it's worth more aggro over just to try and make a point that you won't win

OP posts:

1099 · 13/10/2022 09:55

@RoastOtter
Hi Op, Curious as to what the outcome was. DS got a detention last week for a related issue, not 'stopping ' to tuck his shirt in, he apparently tucked it in as he continued to his class, in view of the teacher who'd told him to but his detention literally says "not stopping when asked". She'd presumably said something like stop and tuck your shirt in.

TreeLine6 · 14/10/2022 08:27

Sorry but if the uniform states that shirts have to be tucked in, that is the rule your DS needs to follow. Sounds like he needs taking down a peg or two.

The DCs’ school is incredibly strict and it is no coincidence that it is an excellent school with outstanding results.

It should go without saying that an untucked shirt will result in detention. The DCs’ school also gives detentions for things like taking blazers off in class or school shoes not polished.

As a parent, your door is to support the school.

Mardyface · 14/10/2022 08:33

I wouldn't get involved until I absolutely had to. At 16 I think I'd be an interested bystander.

We need rebels more than slaves at the moment tbh (if he's in a state school. If it's private then he can do what he likes can't he).

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