Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Horrible argument over school work. Would you back right off now?

125 replies

LemonDropss · 20/09/2022 18:42

My DS is in year 11, he's 16 in December.

Our relationship is good and we are close. He's generally speaking a good lad

But the flashpoint is homework. He won't do it. Just won't. And when he does, it's slapdash and rubbish but I'd say, 70% of the time, he doesn't turn it in so his mocks saw a clutch of 2s and 3s.

He says all the right things, and he's had all the tools to do homework. He's very lucky, has his own study, I've offered to pay for a maths tutor, I've spoken with his teachers, we've put plans together etc etc

Anyway, today he has maths. Was set 6 days ago and due in tomorrow . I told him to do it before any gaming and well... this is where it went wrong. He point blank refused, said he'd do it at 8pm, I said 'no, you need to do it before any gaming and before 8pm or it won't get done'

He then called me 'a bit thick,' 'not listening to a word he says' 'a useless mum'

Yes I know not beyond the realms of normality for a teenager but it was really horrible tbh. I shouted back at him to just stop now, he told me to grow up and ugh ..

I have tried everything I can to help with his schoolwork. He is just .. lazy. The mocks were not the wake up call I expected them to be.

This is our only flashpoint and yes, I should have taken this back a few steps and just let him get on with it. Or not, as the case would be

So.. onto my question. Would you just stop now? Not say another word about doing homework? Let him fail? Let him now fully grasp that his (non) actions have consequences?

It's upset me tonight because we don't have this usually - it's happened because I put my foot down and insisted and he was really rude and well.. still hasn't done it

OP posts:
Tittyfilarious81 · 20/09/2022 18:54

@LemonDropss Hi op my son is like this he's extremely stubborn with homework and is in year 11 this year . I have completely backed off as I found the more I pushed him the more he dug his heels in . What I do now is say is that he needs to be responsible for it and yes that does mean he's sometimes only doing it at 9 at night but I just have to grit my teeth . I would say that as long as he turns it in on time ease up on him .

Augend23 · 20/09/2022 18:54

So when you said he had to do his homework and he didn't do it and wanted to game, did he then get to game?

Shodan · 20/09/2022 18:55

He sounds very similar to how ds1 was at the same age. I too got to the point you're at now and was at a loss.

So I stopped. I sat him down and said that I was done. I told him that it made not one iota of difference to me if he didn't do well in school. I told him I'd already taken my A levels, so I didn't see why I should get myself worked up about his. I did say, however, that his choices were to do his A levels and go to uni, or get a job. Lying about the house doing nothing was not an option.

The I said that I would no longer be asking about homework, or anything to do with school. I'd tried for years to get him to do homework on time, to put more effort in- and that I was done.

I think it shocked him. He certainly started trying. (And, in the end, left school with good A levels and got into the uni of his choice).

It might work with your ds?

TeenDivided · 20/09/2022 18:58

I don't think it is worth destroying your relationship over.

What does he want to do next? Does he know what grades he needs? Does he understand the consequences of not achieving those grades? Does he know that not going to college / employment after y11 means no allowance / access to internet or whatever?

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 20/09/2022 18:59

I was a secondary teacher for 27 years. I used to find boys dipped a bit at the start of Year 11.

They usually turned themselves around about Christmas. When they were in the final strait.

2pinkginsplease · 20/09/2022 19:04

I would have a chat with him once you have both calmed down, explain that speaking to you like that and calling you names is not acceptable behaviour.

Then I'd explain that exam years are a big chance for him to make his mark and decide what he wants to do after school and if he wants to go to college or university then exam results are very important.

I would then take a step back and let him decide how he is going to deal with it.

I see it that ,At 16 in Scotland you can legally have sex, get married leave home and also vote. So he needs to take some responsibility for his future.

yikesanotherbooboo · 20/09/2022 19:07

I think that it is up to him. I wouldn't be arguing, as frustrating as this is. No year 11 of my experience is going to start work because their parent tells them to , they have to want to do it .It is his responsibility, not yours.Making gaming less easy is alright, you could turn internet off late at night or agree to have it on at weekends or similar .

Quveas · 20/09/2022 19:08

My friend had the same thing. Her son got 1GCSE and kicked out of returning to school. He refuses to enlist in college. School won't have him back. Too late for apprenticeships. Who will employ a 16 year old with barely one result? He won't do anything so today he got the ultimatum. He had a part time job. He goes to college. Gets a job. Or he hands over every penny he gets from the part time job because she can't afford to support him. And if he didn't like any of those, he moves out. Harsh. But she's a single parent, ex is useless and pays nothing, she's on minimum wage, and if he wants to make grown up decisions, there are grown up consequences.

If he's willing to fail that's his choice. So are the consequences. You need to set those out and let him choose. And harsh as it may be - you must stick to what you say.

TheClitterati · 20/09/2022 19:12

Can he game if you turn the wifi off? Or disconnect his devices?

Don't know if that would be more inflammatory but sometimes when my dds behaviour goes off the rails she is begging me to disconnect her. I oblige. Things get rapidly better.

Squirrelsnut · 20/09/2022 19:14

I could pretty much have written your OP...
DS is like Jekyll and Hyde, delightful most of the time but absolutely awful about homework. Always has been. I find it so stressful.
Like pp, I just need to back off. It's his life and his choice. He's almost an adult.

coodawoodashooda · 20/09/2022 19:16

Sounds so tough.

Original poster
LemonDropss · 20/09/2022 19:19

Thank you for the responses

Turning off the Wi-Fi would indeed be more inflammatory which I'm keen to avoid but having said that, the gaming is a red herring. He's not refusing to do homework because he's so desperate to game - he just ... doesn't want to do it? It's always been the way but of course now, in year 11, it matters

He would just look at tik tok or YouTube or stare at a wall rather than do homework he just does not fancy doing

So I suppose I want things on an even keel, with low conflict but very it's very hard for me to just take that step back as he really will just fail

But at nearly 16 he can't be 'made' to do something can he?

He talks a good talk. He's always saying he will do all homework in year 11/ revise etc - but when the time comes to do it - when the ' oh that's in the future stuff' becomes the now, he just won't step up

No idea why. Laziness is probably the one and what he's told me himself. Told me he was just lazy and me telling him to do homework wouldn't work

OP posts:
MrsHamlet · 20/09/2022 19:19

Teacher here.

Let him fail. Back the school with whatever sanction they apply.

My very worst homework offender of y10 is so sick of me putting him in detentions his mum won't excuse him from and so sick of his mum chatting to me weekly that he has done all the homework set this term and to a good standard.

I'm not counting it as a win til we get his results in the summer but he seems to have realised that it's on him. Long may it continue.

Riseabove · 20/09/2022 19:20

He is old enough to take responsibility for his own learning!!
Tell him you’re not going to remind him about homework ever again (and don’t!!) and that he’ll face the consequences himself - at school and ultimately with his GCSE results.

cansu · 20/09/2022 19:20

I think it depends on whether you are prepared for him to fail his GCSEs. I don't think I would be paying for a tutor if he won't work either. Personally I would talk to him when this has calmed down. You could offer to sit with him to help him with the work. I think though you need to be sure he understands the likelihood of having to resit if he fails. Getting maths and English is usually necessary for doing most college courses.

Original poster
LemonDropss · 20/09/2022 19:21

@Squirrelsnut oh yes he's mainly very nice. We go for meals out together, watch films, the odd walk, lots of chats etc - all very pleasant and we get on fine. He's always hugging me and being silly and telling me he loves me etc etc

But today - because I said he WAS doing homework (and he's not turned in a bit of it since schools went back, this is not being overbearing ) - well, it all kicked off

OP posts:
Original poster
LemonDropss · 20/09/2022 19:24

@cansu oh I've offered to sit with him. Advised on how to contact the teacher if he doesn't understand something. Offered drinks, snacks, rewards, chats, he has his own study, offered a tutor. We've made plans and planners. I've spoken to the school

You name it and I've done it over the years

OP posts:
Original poster
LemonDropss · 20/09/2022 19:25

I do not want him to fail his GCSEs

But I cannot have a re run of this evening as it was horrible. And no he wasn't violent or aggressive or in my face. He was disrespectful, scornful and just bloody rude so I just need to give myself permission to stop trying to help him as this evening has upset me a lot

OP posts:
scrufffy · 20/09/2022 19:26

I'd let him fail. You can't make him work.

Sometimes the hard bump is what they need

JenJones5 · 20/09/2022 19:26

What sanctions have you applied in the past when he’s acted like this, and did they not work?

I agree with the suggestion that you just let him fail. Yes, this’ll likely mean he has to aim pretty low for the next few years, which will be hard when you ask him to move out and he’s on minimum wage, but social mobility only really works if people move down as well as up, and that’s what he’s now choosing to do.

Could you have a look online with him at some bedsits to help him understand what his shelf-stacking job will let him afford?

Original poster
LemonDropss · 20/09/2022 19:27

@MrsHamlet thanks for that. I always back the school and I make no excuses for his behaviour to them. (Incidentally he's alright at school - too much chat sometimes but generally engaged in lessons because well, he has no choice!)

OP posts:
dragonDan · 20/09/2022 19:28

Just a slightly different perspective. Have you considered inattentive adhd?
My DS was exactly the same. Really bright but just couldn't revise. Two years of arguing about him not revising but then diagnosed with inattentive ADHD. Once he got diagnosed, it was like a lightbulb moment. Spent years of parents evenings being told he is bright but lazy.
Just something to possibly consider as I now feel bad that we didn't see it sooner.

SummerHouse · 20/09/2022 19:29

Leave him to it. What you have done is admirable - but it's not working. You have led the horse to water and it's just sprayed it back in your face.

I would maybe have a conversation about how rude he was but say you are leaving it to him now to get it done. Then stick to that.

MrsHamlet · 20/09/2022 19:31

LemonDropss · 20/09/2022 19:25

I do not want him to fail his GCSEs

But I cannot have a re run of this evening as it was horrible. And no he wasn't violent or aggressive or in my face. He was disrespectful, scornful and just bloody rude so I just need to give myself permission to stop trying to help him as this evening has upset me a lot

You sound a lot like my boy's mum.

What I asked her to do in the end was just to back me. If I said detention, she wouldn't bail him out. She made sure he had access to the equipment he needed. She kept in touch so we both knew where we were up to. She'd check the online portal so she knew what I was setting and remind him, but that was it.

But it was my homework, not hers. His fight was with me, not her. If he speaks to me like that, he's punished in school. She doesn't need to be spoken to with disrespect on my behalf.

Step back. He'll pass or he won't, but they're his GCSEs and you don't need to be the middlewoman.

MrsHamlet · 20/09/2022 19:32

You know what @LemonDropss - I couldn't be a parent. I get paid to deal with this shit... you're expected to do it for love.

Give yourself a break, honestly.