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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Horrible argument over school work. Would you back right off now?

125 replies

LemonDropss · 20/09/2022 18:42

My DS is in year 11, he's 16 in December.

Our relationship is good and we are close. He's generally speaking a good lad

But the flashpoint is homework. He won't do it. Just won't. And when he does, it's slapdash and rubbish but I'd say, 70% of the time, he doesn't turn it in so his mocks saw a clutch of 2s and 3s.

He says all the right things, and he's had all the tools to do homework. He's very lucky, has his own study, I've offered to pay for a maths tutor, I've spoken with his teachers, we've put plans together etc etc

Anyway, today he has maths. Was set 6 days ago and due in tomorrow . I told him to do it before any gaming and well... this is where it went wrong. He point blank refused, said he'd do it at 8pm, I said 'no, you need to do it before any gaming and before 8pm or it won't get done'

He then called me 'a bit thick,' 'not listening to a word he says' 'a useless mum'

Yes I know not beyond the realms of normality for a teenager but it was really horrible tbh. I shouted back at him to just stop now, he told me to grow up and ugh ..

I have tried everything I can to help with his schoolwork. He is just .. lazy. The mocks were not the wake up call I expected them to be.

This is our only flashpoint and yes, I should have taken this back a few steps and just let him get on with it. Or not, as the case would be

So.. onto my question. Would you just stop now? Not say another word about doing homework? Let him fail? Let him now fully grasp that his (non) actions have consequences?

It's upset me tonight because we don't have this usually - it's happened because I put my foot down and insisted and he was really rude and well.. still hasn't done it

OP posts:
Original poster
LemonDropss · 20/09/2022 19:32

@dragonDan yep - and I believe he has it. However he overheard me last year speaking to my best friend about my belief (not plucked out of the air incidentally! His science teacher happens to be the SEN lead at the school and they mentioned to me he potentially shows signs and needs a lot of refocusing)

Anyway, he heard this and well... that was the only other time we've had a bit of a fall out! He won't have a bit of it. Told me he was just lazy and he's very hurt I could think ie was 'special'

He will absolutely NOT consider an assessment. And I cannot force him.

But if I'm being honest, he also ticks a lot of boxes for just being lazy!

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 20/09/2022 19:33

He wouldn't be getting to game and I'd take his phone off of him too.

My daughter is also year 11 and I take stuff off of her if she doesn't tow the line.

singingstones · 20/09/2022 19:38

I have had one a bit like this and in his case I think he was avoiding doing the work in case he didn't do it very well. Fear, basically, but very well disguised as bravado and general teenaged boy twattishness. Sometimes not trying and telling yourself you could have done well seems more appealing than trying and failing.

I think you have to separate the bad behaviour and the homework issue. So talking to you like that is definitely not on and he should be sanctioned for it. As far as school is concerned, I would tell him that it's up to him, it's really not your problem as you won't have to take the consequences (maybe make the consequences very clear). Tell him you're not getting involved from now on because you are fed up with what it it's doing to your relationship. But tell him too that you know Y11 can be stressful and intimidating and hard work, so you and his teachers are always available to help, he just has to say.

Mine was very slow to realise that dodging homework would only affect him in the end, but backing off helped because it left him with nobody to fight. He gradually realised that he had a choice, but he had to understand that he was also choosing the consequences of doing or not doing the work. So do it and take a step along this path towards this destination, or don't do it and take a step along this other path to this other destination. His choice every time. And the exams are coming, whether he likes it or not!

itsgettingweird · 20/09/2022 19:51

He can be made to do it - in detention.

So if the school are accepting homework below standard or incomplete or totally incomplete then there is no merit at ion for him to change.

Can he get above 2's and 3's? I very much homework alone would have made much difference in grades. Has anyone ever considered that he's struggling and has a specific learning difficulty?

Original poster
LemonDropss · 20/09/2022 19:54

@itsgettingweird yep- there isn't anything that hasn't been considered tbh! I suspect ADHD. He is absolutely not on board with this and says I'm making excuses for his laziness!

OP posts:
dapsnotplimsolls · 20/09/2022 19:55

What are the sanctions at school for him not doing his homework? I agree with PPs that, on a different day, you need to have a calm conversation about choices and consequences.

Original poster
LemonDropss · 20/09/2022 19:56

@MrsHamlet and that's what I worry about actually - I'm like some sort of middle woman! His teachers know the efforts I make. I'm on their side totally.

I can certainly bring the horse to water but I can't make the bloody thing drink!

OP posts:
Original poster
LemonDropss · 20/09/2022 19:57

@dapsnotplimsolls a demerit. Two lots of homework not handed in? A detention

He will just trot off to the detention when they pop up

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dragonDan · 20/09/2022 19:58

@LemonDropss when my son was 16 he wouldn't have entertained a referral either. He was the first year of lockdown so was awarded his GCSE grades. When it came to ALevels he was the one that came to us and asked for help.
Fingers crossed your DS will come round to the possibility of a referral

Original poster
LemonDropss · 20/09/2022 20:00

I'm just very tired of providing everything he could need, spending every day saying ' have you done your maths / science/ Spanish' or 'make sure you do your maths/ history/ art' and he just ...fobs me off. He will either do it later or he's done it or insert any other excuse

OP posts:
dapsnotplimsolls · 20/09/2022 20:00

Ask him what he wants to be doing this time next year and how he's going to achieve it. Don't destroy your relationship over this - as long as he's clear on the consequences of doing bugger all then it's up to him.

MrsHamlet · 20/09/2022 20:01

LemonDropss · 20/09/2022 19:56

@MrsHamlet and that's what I worry about actually - I'm like some sort of middle woman! His teachers know the efforts I make. I'm on their side totally.

I can certainly bring the horse to water but I can't make the bloody thing drink!

@LemonDropss You are totally my boy's mum!!! I feel like we've had this conversation!!!

Your job is to love him and support him. You can't do this for him.

I think it's a war of attrition. You can bring out the big guns but actually just being consistent in having the space to work and knowing that you're checking up and checking in and if he wants help he can ask...

Don't fight him. Teenagers have to win, and you'll come out worse.

Original poster
LemonDropss · 20/09/2022 20:02

@dapsnotplimsolls yes I will do. He would say he wanted to do A levels but he probably doesn't know tbh. And he cannot do the work for GCSEs so A levels just won't be something he can consider at this rate

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Original poster
LemonDropss · 20/09/2022 20:03

@MrsHamlet that would just be priceless if you were one of his teachers 😀

On the plus side, you'd know just how much I've done behind the scenes so that's something

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Original poster
LemonDropss · 20/09/2022 20:04

@dragonDan well fingers crossed here for that for sure! I shan't hold my breath. It's good your son came to you for help

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knickersniff · 20/09/2022 20:09

No advice OP , my son has just started year 7 he's so unenthusiastic it could make me cry . I fully expect to be writing your exact post in 4 years time ..

Original poster
LemonDropss · 20/09/2022 20:09

Thanks again for the replies. Food for thought.

I think what I will do is have a chat with him in a few days. I'll tell him that I've had a good think and I've decided to now leave this to him to manage himself. He knows where to find homework, he knows how to submit it and when

I'll then say that I'm always here for any help or advice or support with any of the work and he only needs to ask at any time but that I won't be spoken to in the way he did and for that reason - along with him just fobbing me off constantly and not doing the homework - I'm going to let him do this himself and he can find out that his inactions will have consequences. He can choose to game, chat to mates, go to the gym and look at tik tok. Or he can choose to do some school work.

The choice has got to be his now as I'm out of ideas

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Original poster
LemonDropss · 20/09/2022 20:12

@knickersniff yes mine was unenthusiastic in year 7. He's fine actually in school and he will engage with most lessons but could not care less about homework

However yours is only 11 or 12 so there's plenty of time yet to turn this around and I'm sure it will happen

And after all - to put this in perspective - this is very very normal for a lot of teens. Just a shame it's so frustrating

OP posts:
OriginalUsername2 · 20/09/2022 20:14

Tell him about life on the minimum wage.

FruitPastilleNut · 20/09/2022 20:16

My eldest is a year younger op...in Y10, nearly 15. He's of a similar type as your ds I think - he works well in school, we have no general behaviour issues (mostly) but he is bloody bone idle when it comes to homework. He will do it at times but as a last resort and for self preservation only - to avoid a detention from his strictest teachers. He does the absolute minimum possible, takes no pride in it and rushes it last minute - it's a far lower standard that his actual school work. It causes stress and arguments when he's late in going to bed as he's busy spending ten minutes at 9.30pm on a two hour homework piece, to an awful standard, just to 'tick the box'.

He also did barely any revision for his Y9 exams despite knowing that the results would determine his sets for Y10, the start of GCSEs and vowing in advance to do a timetable, knuckle down etc. His results were 'fine' but he was capable of far higher had he put any effort in.

I've been thinking about this the past week because it's caused stress already since going back and I can forsee it becoming a bigger issue. I think I'm going to monitor him and insist homework is done before ANY gaming...and I'm going to ask him to bring me his books and show me what he's done and that it's done to a good standard. And if he kicks off or does a crap job, no gaming it is.

I know this is likely easier for me to say as he's a year younger but as far as I'm concerned, if he's going to act like a toddler over it then he can be treated like one, with the additional supervision over his work that brings.

I would be more inclined to get tough than let it go because I'm not willing to let my ds fail his GCSEs as some kind of lesson.

mathanxiety · 20/09/2022 20:16

You need to back right off.
No more reminders, snacks, drinks, appeals to his sense of self pride or whatever.

He fails, he learns. Or not. It's his life at this point.

But when you're all backed off, look up executive function problems.

Paigeycakey · 20/09/2022 20:18

Get rid of the game all together if you bought it. Just take it away!

Y7drama · 20/09/2022 20:18

@LemonDropss just to say my DS is in year 10, and very similar. I will be writing the same post next year! @MrsHamlet you sound like an amazing teacher. I hope my ds has teachers who care like you obviously do ( haven’t met most of his current teachers yet)

Original poster
LemonDropss · 20/09/2022 20:19

@OriginalUsername2 that's another thing. We are extremely lucky in the house we have and the life we are able to live. He has a very fortunate life with many nice things. His elder sister has achieved well in her career and owns her own home at the age of 24. He thinks this will happen for him with absolutely zero effort

So life on a minimum wage is not something they will have occurred to him. It will have to though if he carries on like this

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Original poster
LemonDropss · 20/09/2022 20:20

@Paigeycakey what game? There is no game. He generally games but that isn't the issue if you read my thread through.

He would look at an apple core turning brown rather than do homework.

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