Active discussions

Help end medical misogyny. Sign our petition.

Help end medical misogyny.
Sign our petition.

Sign the petition

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

DS has moved gf in

102 replies

Nanett · 03/09/2022 21:17

DS & GF are both 16 and have been best friends since they were 12, this more recently has blossomed into a romance.

GF lives about a mile from us with her mum and younger sister, her dad lives about 40 miles away. GF mum has long history of mental health issues, diagnosed personality disorder, takes a lot of medication. Quite often no food in the house, sleeps all day, has been arrested in the past for drunk and disorderly, brings a string of boyfriends back over the years - you get the picture.

GF relationship with her mum has always been strained and according to GF her mum has lost it completely and suddenly decided she no longer wants GF to live with her, bagged up her stuff and told her to get out. We thought this was just an outburst but the mum is completely serious, has arranged to move to a different part of the country and told GF she doesn’t want any contact.

GF dad has said she should go and live with him but she starts college next week which is on our doorstep and if she lives with her dad has no way of getting there.

I’ve come home to find she has moved into my sons room, I asked what was going on and they told me everything going on and they were both really (understandably) upset at how GF mum has behaved, she has also called my son names and banned him from her house (I’m not aware he has done anything).

I like GF very much, the mum sounds neglectful and abusive. I’m not really sure what I should do? I can’t see what I can do other than let her stay at our house mon - fri for college then see her dad on the weekend? What would you do?

OP posts:
parietal · 03/09/2022 21:21

If you have the space to let her stay, it would be very kind of you can.

What has happened to the younger sister?

BruceAndNosh · 03/09/2022 21:22

Which of her parents are going to be paying you for her food and board?

Creepymanonagoatfarm · 03/09/2022 21:23

Supporting your ds in his choice will go a long way in your relationship with him long term. ..
Make some ground rules abundantly clear..
IE contraception for one.

oviraptor21 · 03/09/2022 21:24

The GF could get UC as a 16 year old not supported by her parents if neither of them step up.

Kangaruby · 03/09/2022 21:24

I would not let her move in, what happens if your son decides that he doesnt want to be with her anymore, dumping her and making her homeless at the same time - he may not be able to do that. This is for the adults - her father - to fix not your child

blockpavingismynightmare · 03/09/2022 21:26

Sorry but no matter what the circumstances are they should have asked first.

titchy · 03/09/2022 21:27

Kangaruby · 03/09/2022 21:24

I would not let her move in, what happens if your son decides that he doesnt want to be with her anymore, dumping her and making her homeless at the same time - he may not be able to do that. This is for the adults - her father - to fix not your child

This. You've effectively committed your child to remaining in a relationship with her for the next two years.

Talk to her father and make a proper plan. Social services if necessary.

Smilingwithfangs · 03/09/2022 21:27

That’s really hard. Do you have a spare room? Can you talk directly to GF dad and see if he has any other ideas?

Nadal · 03/09/2022 21:29

She should live with her dad. Even if she stays at yours a couple of nights.

I would be very concerned about the intensity of living together for 16 year olds full time. Agree with others about ending relationship would make her homeless so extra pressure.

5zeds · 03/09/2022 21:29

No. She can’t live with your son to get a room over her head. It’s an impossible dynamic and unhealthy for both of them.

gingertoast · 03/09/2022 21:30

Call the local safeguarding helpline and ask their advice. Whilst you may want to help you are committing your DS to a situation which may not be what he actually wants long term.

Change12345 · 03/09/2022 21:30

Would be lovely to support her, she must have been through a lot. BUT I would really think hard about what happens if they fall out / split up etc…. What’s the contingency plan?
Also your DS definitely should have asked you first.
try not to get caught up in the drama, take a step back, think about the commitment and decide what is right for you all of you

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/09/2022 21:31

Her mum may have bailed but she has a dad and it’s up to him to step in. They should have at least phoned you to discuss this with you before unilaterally deciding you now look after and house her. Madness.

She may have to move colleges but that’s not your fault. You can be dictated to by a pair of kids. She needs to talk to her dad and go there asap.

Michellebops · 03/09/2022 21:34

I would help if you can even for short term.

Check if any of the parents are claiming child benefit and see if that can be stopped unless they are going to pass to you/her

Good luck ❤️

Iwanttoslowdown · 03/09/2022 21:36

Short term maybe but it will impact your sons ability to study if long term.
Give her 6-weeks and ask her to talk with the college that she has been made homeless but ur responsibility is to your son.

Sandra1984 · 03/09/2022 21:38

Let her find shared accommodation (flat share) and have her dad pay for it while she goes to college. Or have her get universal credit. She is not your child, she is someone else’s child. Have her a couple of nights a week at home and be supportive. You’re the adult in the room 🙁

Goldbar · 03/09/2022 21:38

Allowing this puts GF in an incredibly vulnerable position. It's also too much pressure for your DS.

Do you have a spare room? If so, I would tell GF she can stay for a few weeks to give time to work out a solution with her dad/SS. Best option is probably for her to live with her other parent, in which case she may have to look into moving colleges.

OzonoffS · 03/09/2022 21:39

Talk to the safeguarding lead at college ASAP.

been and done it. · 03/09/2022 21:39

Kangaruby · 03/09/2022 21:24

I would not let her move in, what happens if your son decides that he doesnt want to be with her anymore, dumping her and making her homeless at the same time - he may not be able to do that. This is for the adults - her father - to fix not your child

Agree completely

ImAvingOops · 03/09/2022 21:41

I was literally you 3 years ago. Only difference is that my sons gf was 18.
Honestly, I don't think you should do it. If she has a loving father who is willing to house her then that's where she should be.
16 is way too young to have a gf move in - you are committing your son to an adult relationship that may or may not go the distance and neither of them should feel the weight of that responsibility.
You will also be taking on a traumatised teenager - this is not to be taken lightly so if you commit to it, you are signing up to be a long term stable influence for her. Not being able to do it and inadvertently letting her down later will be harmful.

mountainsunsets · 03/09/2022 21:41

If you let her move in (even temporarily) it needs to be separate rooms and separate beds so that they both have space away from each other, otherwise it's far too much pressure on everyone. However, unless there was absolutely no other place for her to go, I wouldn't agree to it.

What will happen when they inevitably break up in a few months, leaving her homeless? He's not going to want to be living with his ex-girlfriend is he?

Aquamarine1029 · 03/09/2022 21:43

You are doing a massive disservice to your son. He is far too young for such a serious relationship, and if you allow her to stay, you've put him in a situation that he may feel he can't get out of.

You are not responsible for this girl and neither, more importantly, is your son. This new arrangement needs to end immediately.

ImAvingOops · 03/09/2022 21:45

Also when I agreed to this, it was meant to be for 6 months until they went to university. Only that didn't happen (MH fragility).
Im not sorry I helped her - there was no one else and she needed it, but there has been conflict on sharing the house with an adult couple who increasingly wanted to do their own thing and not live as kids in mum's house. There has been tension.

Original poster
Nanett · 03/09/2022 22:00

They should have asked first, they both recognise that and have apologised.

The sister is going with the mum to move wherever. GF mum has contacted SS to say GF is no longer living with her and given them our address (!?), she has also contacted the benefits people to say the child benefit will be going to GF (doesn’t that stop at 16 though?). GF will pay me £20 per week to go towards food, more soon as she is now working part time in a clothes shop.

I have spoken with my son about the possibility of the relationship not working out and him feeling pressured with her not having a home but he seems fine with that and said if they split up she’d just have to live with her Dad.

I feel so sorry for her, I obviously know her quite well as she’s been coming here for a couple of years now and the stories she tells me about her home makes my stomach turn. She’s so sad as her ‘mum doesn’t love her’ , I try and explain that relationships can be complicated and I’m sure her mum loves her in her own way.

She’s a good kid, did well at school despite no support at home, always upbeat and polite despite often being hungry and obviously stressed.

I think we’ll give it a go, she can stay here so she can easily get to college and see her dad at weekends. She desperately wants to stay here as apart from it being close college her friends are here, friends are really important aren’t they at this age.

OP posts:
SunnyD44 · 03/09/2022 22:02

I do not think two 16 year olds should be living together.

I would support her in any way that I can and if needed let her stay but I really would see if there is any way she can get to college from her dads.

Some colleges have onsite accommodation and if she’s as disadvantaged as she is then she may be able to stay there.

You sound lovely but her dad needs to be the one sitting her out.
If DS breaks up with her then it’s going to be very difficult if she only has you as her support system.