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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

DS has moved gf in

102 replies

Nanett · 03/09/2022 21:17

DS & GF are both 16 and have been best friends since they were 12, this more recently has blossomed into a romance.

GF lives about a mile from us with her mum and younger sister, her dad lives about 40 miles away. GF mum has long history of mental health issues, diagnosed personality disorder, takes a lot of medication. Quite often no food in the house, sleeps all day, has been arrested in the past for drunk and disorderly, brings a string of boyfriends back over the years - you get the picture.

GF relationship with her mum has always been strained and according to GF her mum has lost it completely and suddenly decided she no longer wants GF to live with her, bagged up her stuff and told her to get out. We thought this was just an outburst but the mum is completely serious, has arranged to move to a different part of the country and told GF she doesn’t want any contact.

GF dad has said she should go and live with him but she starts college next week which is on our doorstep and if she lives with her dad has no way of getting there.

I’ve come home to find she has moved into my sons room, I asked what was going on and they told me everything going on and they were both really (understandably) upset at how GF mum has behaved, she has also called my son names and banned him from her house (I’m not aware he has done anything).

I like GF very much, the mum sounds neglectful and abusive. I’m not really sure what I should do? I can’t see what I can do other than let her stay at our house mon - fri for college then see her dad on the weekend? What would you do?

OP posts:
Dotcheck · 04/09/2022 15:12

I agree with pp
This is a safeguarding issue. You need to talk to the college safeguarding lead to discuss steps forward.

If she does live with you, you may need to make it more official

AceSpades54321 · 04/09/2022 15:13

Don’t do it! I was in similar situation when I was a teenager, a friend moved in with us - we fell out and it was a hellish few years living together. I promise you, it will end in disaster! Teens are not old enough to navigate relationships, it maybe working now but 24/7 just won’t. Plus it will affect his studies having a female distraction in the house.

Mumoblue · 04/09/2022 15:16

My mum let my boyfriend move in at around that age, and looking back it was a huge mistake. I wouldn’t let my son move a partner in at such a young age.

It seems like you’re committed to helping this girl, but in the long run that may mean making sure she isn’t dependent on you or your son.

BakersYeast · 04/09/2022 15:32

Nanett · 04/09/2022 14:58

we are a busy family with a younger son and several pets. We live in a largish property with plenty of space. DH is supportive and has given her a part time job (we own a dog kennels and she loves dogs).

Show quote history

Can she have her own room then?

Madmax1992 · 04/09/2022 15:34

I would do the same as you op, if she was a slob/rude and didn't contribute in any way it might be different. If it went badly with your son she will obviously just move in with her dad but after what she's been through with her mom it will do her well to be around supportive people as well as her friends x

AnaDay · 04/09/2022 15:51

titchy · 04/09/2022 15:08

Why the emoji to the last post? It's a very relevant point. She's effectively (though she won't realise it) having to maintain a presumably sexual relationship in order to keep a roof over her head, keep her job, and keep her education on track. I know you're doing her a favour, but you're really not. This relationship will set her expectation for every future relationship.

And why isnt your ds in education at 16?

Because he goes to work??

TBH you sound a bit judgemental

titchy · 04/09/2022 16:44

Teens are supposed to be in education or training till 18 these days, not 16. Although not relevant to the post I agree.

Why judgemental? Do you think it's ok that a very vulnerable child is being put in a situation where she has to keep having a sexual relationship because her income, housing and education depend on it? Even if she doesn't want to go out with him any more. Does that sound remotely heathy to you?

5zeds · 04/09/2022 16:51

If she has her own room I think term-time only she could board with you. If she sleeps in with ds then I think it’s exploitative.

mumofblu · 04/09/2022 16:55

Seriously I would get advice from social services and school .
16 is still a child and they can't just choose where to live . Despite her mother abandoning her she and father still have parental responsibility . And if that changes her new living arrangement needs to be checked .

Aubree17 · 04/09/2022 17:02

Nanett · 03/09/2022 22:00

They should have asked first, they both recognise that and have apologised.

The sister is going with the mum to move wherever. GF mum has contacted SS to say GF is no longer living with her and given them our address (!?), she has also contacted the benefits people to say the child benefit will be going to GF (doesn’t that stop at 16 though?). GF will pay me £20 per week to go towards food, more soon as she is now working part time in a clothes shop.

I have spoken with my son about the possibility of the relationship not working out and him feeling pressured with her not having a home but he seems fine with that and said if they split up she’d just have to live with her Dad.

I feel so sorry for her, I obviously know her quite well as she’s been coming here for a couple of years now and the stories she tells me about her home makes my stomach turn. She’s so sad as her ‘mum doesn’t love her’ , I try and explain that relationships can be complicated and I’m sure her mum loves her in her own way.

She’s a good kid, did well at school despite no support at home, always upbeat and polite despite often being hungry and obviously stressed.

I think we’ll give it a go, she can stay here so she can easily get to college and see her dad at weekends. She desperately wants to stay here as apart from it being close college her friends are here, friends are really important aren’t they at this age.

I think you sound lovely and you should trust your gut feeling here.

If things don't work out she should ask the local council about a scheme called supported lodgings for 16-21 year olds.

Malie · 04/09/2022 17:05

There is noThere is no way you should allow her to live with you as she is still a minor and her father’s responsibility. She should live with him. Else you take on yourself the responsibility.

Teaandcrumpets95 · 04/09/2022 17:13

I was your son in this exact situation with my boyfriend at 16. Knew each other since we were 11, his home life was a wreck. He moved into my family home, my parents practically adopted him!
Then we went to university together, got married and have been together 10 years and just had a baby 😊

It may not work out, but there's no guarantees with anything in life and I think it is a huge kindness for the young girl. And tbh living with my husband so young did speed our relationship up but not in a bad way we matured quickly. And we grew up together.

Whine0Clock · 04/09/2022 20:45

OP I think you sound lovely. In your situation, I would do exactly the same thing.

RaspberryRippl · 04/09/2022 21:05

Teaandcrumpets95 · 04/09/2022 17:13

I was your son in this exact situation with my boyfriend at 16. Knew each other since we were 11, his home life was a wreck. He moved into my family home, my parents practically adopted him!
Then we went to university together, got married and have been together 10 years and just had a baby 😊

It may not work out, but there's no guarantees with anything in life and I think it is a huge kindness for the young girl. And tbh living with my husband so young did speed our relationship up but not in a bad way we matured quickly. And we grew up together.

Aw that is a lovely post, so nice to read 🥰

abblie · 04/09/2022 21:10

No no no

You are now responsible for another teenager ! How disrespectful are they just assuming it would be OK for this to happen ! And what happens when she falls pregnant thats your fault cos its your house and now your responsibility

FlorencePennnywell · 04/09/2022 22:11

The correct thing to do is speak with her father, any other relatives, the college and social services

If you have a large house then I would maybe consider a temporary thing after speaking with all of the above - BUT this would be on the proviso that she had her own bedroom - there is absolutely no way I'd allow them to share as if they're a married couple

Aquamarine1029 · 04/09/2022 22:15

Despite 16 being young, they are both almost 17 and mature for their age.

Oh for fuck's sake. Is anyone going to be the adult in this situation?

Holidaydreamingagain · 04/09/2022 22:22

Absolutely no chance I would allow this. 16 is far too young to be in a relationship 24/7 and will effectively tie him to the gf even when he doesn’t want to be. You’re his mum and need to put his well-being before hers. She needs to live with her dad.

RaspberryRippl · 04/09/2022 22:25

Aquamarine1029 · 04/09/2022 22:15

Despite 16 being young, they are both almost 17 and mature for their age.

Oh for fuck's sake. Is anyone going to be the adult in this situation?

Why are you so aggressive?

allboysherebutme · 04/09/2022 22:51

Take her to the council to get her name on the list, say you don't want her. That will speed up the process. X

ImAvingOops · 04/09/2022 22:54

She definitely needs to have her own bedroom if you are going to let this happen.
I would advise you to make clear to your son that in doing this, you are making a commitment to a child independently of him - this means that if they fall out, she will still be living in the house and treated as if she is your child. You need to make it clear to her that being allowed to stay is not dependent upon her continued relationship with your son, that you are making a commitment to her.
I gave been where you are and it is very important that she knows you are committed to her and won't go flakey if things don't work out with your son. She has already been abandoned by her mother and she will suffer if you cannot be stable for her in the long term. So you have to be sure before you commit.

ChubbyMorticia · 04/09/2022 23:11

I wouldn’t do it. If she and your son break up, it’s going to be even more traumatic on her than moving to her father’s now. Plus, the chance of either of them sticking in a relationship that isn’t working because of the high cost of breaking up is massive.

They need to be teens, imo. Not living in an adult relationship. You’re not booting her out on the street, you’re sending her to her father’s. Huge difference.

unflappybelivabubble · 05/09/2022 07:22

I'm sorry , your intentions are good and come from a place of wanting to help
sometimes we want to do anything to help someone especially if they are a child as both these children are .
She has been effectively abandoned by 2 parents , whatever their reasoning . This is obviously very traumatic and as such she will feel strong emotions whether showing or not .
If you take away the knowledge of the trauma , pretend you don't know her story would you allow a girlfriend of your son to move into your house , would you be concerned of what happened if they want to break up .

You are effectively adopting her and as an adoptive mother and a therapist . Adopting a child of any age is carefully researched , not done lightly and definitely not done as a gut reaction of wanting to help .

Please get help in your decision before offering this child a life raft

As kind as you are being you could be putting her in more danger of trauma . And she is important here .

SurpriseSurprise · 05/09/2022 07:33

I think you’re doing the right thing. The poor girl feels abandoned as it is, if you don’t let her stay who knows how she’d be feeling. Your relationship with your son might be affected forever too

I would make sure they both have somewhere to study alone though. Maybe get an insulated cabin in the garden or something so they can at least go there individually for quiet.

Holidaydreamingagain · 05/09/2022 07:43

SurpriseSurprise · 05/09/2022 07:33

I think you’re doing the right thing. The poor girl feels abandoned as it is, if you don’t let her stay who knows how she’d be feeling. Your relationship with your son might be affected forever too

I would make sure they both have somewhere to study alone though. Maybe get an insulated cabin in the garden or something so they can at least go there individually for quiet.

Of course. Let’s all spend £20k to build a cabin in the garden to house a 16 year olds girlfriend