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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

DS has moved gf in

102 replies

Nanett · 03/09/2022 21:17

DS & GF are both 16 and have been best friends since they were 12, this more recently has blossomed into a romance.

GF lives about a mile from us with her mum and younger sister, her dad lives about 40 miles away. GF mum has long history of mental health issues, diagnosed personality disorder, takes a lot of medication. Quite often no food in the house, sleeps all day, has been arrested in the past for drunk and disorderly, brings a string of boyfriends back over the years - you get the picture.

GF relationship with her mum has always been strained and according to GF her mum has lost it completely and suddenly decided she no longer wants GF to live with her, bagged up her stuff and told her to get out. We thought this was just an outburst but the mum is completely serious, has arranged to move to a different part of the country and told GF she doesn’t want any contact.

GF dad has said she should go and live with him but she starts college next week which is on our doorstep and if she lives with her dad has no way of getting there.

I’ve come home to find she has moved into my sons room, I asked what was going on and they told me everything going on and they were both really (understandably) upset at how GF mum has behaved, she has also called my son names and banned him from her house (I’m not aware he has done anything).

I like GF very much, the mum sounds neglectful and abusive. I’m not really sure what I should do? I can’t see what I can do other than let her stay at our house mon - fri for college then see her dad on the weekend? What would you do?

OP posts:

DarkShade · 03/09/2022 22:08

Imagine the pressure you are putting her under though. Fights at that age are normal, will she feel that she can't say anything to annoy your DS because if they fight she has to leave her friends and college? That's a huge amount of pressure to put on someone who already has very unstable relationships through no fault of her own.

itsgettingweird · 03/09/2022 22:10

I would still involve SS.

She can live with you and she can get her CB and also will be entitled to other grants for equipment and stuff.

But I would want authorities to know I had a vulnerable young person living under my roof and her father to be fully involved in that decision and agreements drawn up financially.

Aquamarine1029 · 03/09/2022 22:11

Sorry, op, but allowing her to stay is a very, very poor decision. This is not in either of their best interests.

SpacePotato · 03/09/2022 22:20

She needs to move to her dad's and go to college there.

Soontobe60 · 03/09/2022 22:24

Have you actually spoken to either of her parents? You’re putting both children in a very difficult situation. They will most likely think they’ve on the lottery now - only 16, sleeping together every night, no other responsibilities. This is a very vulnerable girl and youre not the best placed to support her at the moment.
The least you should do is inform SS AND her college, as well as speak to both her parents.

HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime · 03/09/2022 22:24

Do you have the space for her to have her own room? I think having two 16 year olds sharing moves their relationship emotionally on to another level and its important that they have their own space.

I dated a man who had experienced similar, his dad had died and mum moved back to Ireland, he decided to carry on at College in England and moved in with his then gf, it worked for a while and in their early 20s got a house together and then it all seems to have broken down. From what I understand they outgrew each other and stayed together longer than they should have and the relationship interfered with military aspirations for him and university aspirations for her.

titchy · 03/09/2022 22:36

OP you're making a huge mistake unless you can guarantee she has her own room and can stay even if they split up. Think about the message you're giving her - that she has to stay in a relationship and do everything her partner/boyfriend wants in order to have a roof over her head. Do you really think that's a sensible way to treat a very vulnerable CHILD?

Toddlerteaplease · 03/09/2022 22:44

Too much pressure on your son. Both too young to live together. Contact social care.

Toddlerteaplease · 03/09/2022 22:46

She has another parent. She had to live with him.

titchy · 03/09/2022 22:47

he seems fine with that and said if they split up she’d just have to live with her Dad

So you and your ds would be fine fucking up her education then?

Seriously, she needs to be with her father. If he's only 40 miles away they can still see each other.

Toddlerteaplease · 03/09/2022 22:50

It's only the beginning of term. If she has to move college. Now is the time to do it.

OnTheBrinkOfChange · 03/09/2022 23:06

Do you have a spare room for her? I would not have her living with your son as though they are a couple. They are so young. If she's a lovely girl and you can afford to and you have the space, then I would agree to having her own room and then just the normal rules apply about sex and privacy. I really feel for the girl and also really feel for her poor sister.

Megapint · 03/09/2022 23:14

My boyfriends mum & dad let me move in with them in similar circumstances. 35yrs on and I am still so thankful they did. (Now she's my mil & probably still the kindest woman I know).

Daddyissuess · 03/09/2022 23:50

Bad idea for her and potentially you. If she can't stay with her father she will be entitled to support from social services and should receive it. It will most likely at that age be a semi independent placement (shared house with support staff) and she could still stay with you a few nights a week. If you take her in without informing social services she will miss out on a lot of help and long term housing and financial support that would otherwise be offered

Zosime · 04/09/2022 00:06

GF will pay me £20 per week to go towards food, more soon as she is now working part time in a clothes shop.

What is her dad going to be contributing?

But I agree with pp, there are so many potential problems here. At the very least she should have her own room, so she has her own private space. If you can't give her that, she should be with her dad, or in supported accommodation. You can still be a supportive adult figure for her.

Gooseysgirl · 04/09/2022 00:08

I would say no... social services need to step up here and support with alternative arrangements, and make that very clear to SS and the GF. Her mother is a CF to tell SS that the GF is living at yours! It will be hard because you are emotionally involved, but you have to try and remain objective. She is not your responsibility or your son's.

Angelina1972 · 04/09/2022 00:10

Child benefit is paid until their 19th year if the person is still in full time education. And you should be paid it if she stays with you.

Her mum has probably got her to leave due to the cost of living crisis and knows she can safely go to your home. What an awful situation for you all. Her poor sister stuck with the mother as well.

Sausagelove · 04/09/2022 00:18

This is a very bad idea and not in her best interests. She may feel very different about this when she’s older.

why haven’t you had contact with her mum about whats allegedly going on?

strawberriesarenot · 04/09/2022 00:18

That's way too much pressure on both of them. She should be with her dad. You sound kind, but you weren't given time to think it through. It's a measure of their immaturity that they presented you with a done deal.

SE13Mummy · 04/09/2022 00:49

Whilst it's great your DS feels she'll be safe at yours, his GF needs support of a more formal kind put into place. Her staying for the weekend is fine but as others have said, it's not appropriate for either of them to be forced into living as a couple at the age of 16. If you have a spare room, perhaps you could offer to rent it to her parents for her to stay in. If they don't want to pay rent or you don't have a spare room, she will need to contact social services and ask about supported lodgings. It may not be ideal but if her father has somewhere she can sleep and study, she may well have to go and live with him. Co-habiting with your DS will make it hard for either of them to pursue their own friendships.

PlentyOFool · 04/09/2022 01:07

Nadal · 03/09/2022 21:29

She should live with her dad. Even if she stays at yours a couple of nights.

I would be very concerned about the intensity of living together for 16 year olds full time. Agree with others about ending relationship would make her homeless so extra pressure.

This

PlentyOFool · 04/09/2022 01:10

She needs to go to her dad's. I understand your DS loves her and wants to fix it for her, but he can't sadly. It's just one of those things where you have to be the bad guy in the short term for both of their long term interests

IHearIt · 04/09/2022 01:26

I've been through this with my DS - PM me if you would like to talk.

Teddeh · 04/09/2022 01:39

I have spoken with my son about the possibility of the relationship not working out and him feeling pressured with her not having a home but he seems fine with that and said if they split up she’d just have to live with her Dad.

If this is the case, she can go to her dad now. The issue issue, according to your son, is not that she has nowhere to go, but that your son wants his girlfriend to stay/live at your house. While I understand that your son's needs and wants come first to you, he is not the central person in this particular situation.

PLEASE speak directly with the father. There are likely multiple ways to arrange for her to travel to and from school from where he lives. If this is somehow not possible, then it may make sense for her to stay with someone local during the week, and that might be your family if you are up to it and have the space (not your son's bedroom!!!!!!) The school is likely the best place to start in getting help with both of these possibilities (transportation, a place to stay locally on weeknights) as they will likely have encountered similar situations and know what resources are available.

it may turn out that her staying at your house (not in your son's bedroom!!!!) on school nights is a reasonable short-term solution. But everyone in your household should be very clear about the circumstances, and that if the commitment IS made for her to stay she is staying for whatever period is agreed (end of term, etc.) The understanding that she goes to her dad if she and your son break up is an absolutely horrible way for her to live, even if she will in desperation agree to it. She's 16; she needs adults to be adults for her sake here.

Rainbowqueeen · 04/09/2022 01:49

Speak to college. There must be a way that she can stay in the area but not live with you. There is clearly money available to pay for her keep.

She can still spend time at your home. It as a permanent solution it is way too much pressure on everyone, including you

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