DS has moved gf in

[Nanett]

DS & GF are both 16 and have been best friends since they were 12, this more recently has blossomed into a romance.

GF lives about a mile from us with her mum and younger sister, her dad lives about 40 miles away. GF mum has long history of mental health issues, diagnosed personality disorder, takes a lot of medication. Quite often no food in the house, sleeps all day, has been arrested in the past for drunk and disorderly, brings a string of boyfriends back over the years - you get the picture.

GF relationship with her mum has always been strained and according to GF her mum has lost it completely and suddenly decided she no longer wants GF to live with her, bagged up her stuff and told her to get out. We thought this was just an outburst but the mum is completely serious, has arranged to move to a different part of the country and told GF she doesn’t want any contact.

GF dad has said she should go and live with him but she starts college next week which is on our doorstep and if she lives with her dad has no way of getting there.

I’ve come home to find she has moved into my sons room, I asked what was going on and they told me everything going on and they were both really (understandably) upset at how GF mum has behaved, she has also called my son names and banned him from her house (I’m not aware he has done anything).

I like GF very much, the mum sounds neglectful and abusive. I’m not really sure what I should do? I can’t see what I can do other than let her stay at our house mon - fri for college then see her dad on the weekend? What would you do?

I can see you are reacting with your heart not your head . You are trying to fill the hole left by a negligent parent . But this shouldn't be you .
I would ask her father what he wants for his daughter , if he doesn't want to help her then I would sit her down gently and tell her you are going to help her by either contacting school and services to help her get suitable living accommodation so she and boyfriend / your son, can have space to continue studying independently. Tell her she is still welcome at your home as she has been before but this is the best decision .

She may be hurting and angry but that's because she has been abandoned. And that hurt may come out for many years whatever her living arrangements. You can't fix that .

I have been in your position where you know your teenager may be furious at you because of you having to do the right thing , not what they want you to do . The school and social services really helped our family with this , explaining reasoning and supporting us in doing the right thing .

But if your son decides he doesn't want a relationship anymore he and her is going to really struggle if she lives with you .
As a teenager I was with a boy for 4 years whose mum . While never formalised he was always at our house , sleeping on couch, coming on holiday etc . He became like family , like a brother . But when I went to college I didn't want to see him like a boyfriend anymore and the break up was horrible . My parents had to be far too involved because he was like a son to them and I ended up moving out because I felt so guilty and resentful. If you asked my mum now she would say that letting him move in was a v bad idea .

Many years on we are still loosely in touch and doing well in our separate lives . He did have a home and he went to live with his dad after I returned home .

Please contact school and services to get her the help she needs but don't become her parent , think of your son . He is 16 and cannot make a mature decision on who he lives with but you can . Don't allow this without contacting his dad , and school and social services.

All the best

Sorry my bf mum died as a teenager

I think you're very kind letting her stay, and I would do the same in your shoes. My DH moved in with me and my family at 18, mainly because he was solely living with an alcoholic abusive mother and couldn't take it anymore. Fwiw 20 years later we're still together and living together from that age was fab. DH definitely has a special place in his heart for my parents for helping him out when they'd only known him around 18 months, and my parents love him back (we always joke that between me and my siblings and our 3 partners, my mum and dad like him the best!). I know your DS and gf are younger still, but just trying to point out that it's not doomed to fail. Hope it all works out ok.

I think you’ve made the right decision. It’s very easy for people to say don’t do it but they’re not IN the situation. Over the years I have multiple teenagers ‘lodge’ here with my children including a boy with no parents. I do what I can to support teenagers because someone has to, not all are as privileged as mine I hear some horror stories as my house is the unofficial hang out.

The one lad who lived with us for a short time after he fell out with his grandparents (both parents dead - one to illness other to suicide leaving him as orphan at 15) came to our wedding and said such lovely things. If I’d have posted on here I’m sure everyone would have said no way don’t let him move in. I know I did the right thing.

She sounds lovely. Give her a chance to get her education and keep her stability. Even if they don’t work out she will remember this kindness forever.

@GreenGreenGrass23

Although that's very nice to hear your experience I wonder if any of these teenagers were in a relationship with your children ?

Yes many children have desperate lives and there are good souls like yourselves around but children living arrangements should be with consent from parents or authorities to protect them from harm

I'm not suggesting the op or you are in this category at all . But offering a home to a vulnerable young person should be very carefully thought out , not a gut reaction to an emotional and rushed situation

*I have spoken with my son about the possibility of the relationship not working out and him feeling pressured with her not having a home but he seems fine with that and said if they split up she’d just have to live with her Dad.
*
This is a huge problem - essentially we'll have a 16 year old vulnerable girl who has to keep her 16 year old bf happy or lose her house, friends, college and be sent off to live else where. Trusting a 16 year old boy with this sort of power over his gf seems insane.

*I have spoken with my son about the possibility of the relationship not working out and him feeling pressured with her not having a home but he seems fine with that and said if they split up she’d just have to live with her Dad.
*
This is a huge problem - essentially we'll have a 16 year old vulnerable girl who has to keep her 16 year old bf happy or lose her house, friends, college and be sent off to live else where. Trusting a 16 year old boy with this sort of power over his gf seems insane.

Exactly this

This poor girl :(

OP you sound like a lovely supportive mum.

While some people might not agree with how good of an idea it is for her move in, I think if you're able to have her and provide her some stability, then that's a very kind thing to do that will make her feel more accepted and a little bit less horrible.

The relationship might not work out, but maybe it will. You never know. I think in your shoes I'd want to help too.

I think I’d make her move in with dad officially, but I’d let her stay over as a guest several times a week.
As she’s only a guest, not really living there, there would be less pressure on the relationship. Probably 3 nights max.

I think if more people were like you, the world would be a better place. Her home life sounds horrendous and if you do have the space and the inclination to help her out, that would be a fine thing. Definitely involve safeguarding and her father-obviously young relationships can change so there needs to be a plan b. But reading of your kindness to a vulnerable teen-as I was one once-has brightened my day.

Also think that two 16 year olds should not be living together. It’s not healthy, they are not adults.

Its not the best thing for your DS - he needs the opportunity to have space and time for himself, not living in one room with his GF.

And it’s definitely not the best thing for GF. Even if your DS is lovely (I’m sure he is), there is an unhealthy pressure on her staying in the relationship and keeping DS happy because she’ll have no-where to live. That’s not an equal or healthy relationship.

They do not know best, they are only 16 - it’s up to you to be the “bad guy” and do the right thing.

You absolutely need to speak to her Dad. Taking her in could have long term implications on the relationship with her whole family. I'm sure doing this feels great for her at 16, but it could have life long implications.

She needs to have her Dad's house as her base at least, even if you come to some arrangements Mon-Friday. Her parents need to take financial responsibility for her too. Both of them.

Your 16 year olds are essentially entering into an adult relationship. Living together is far different to just spending occasional nights together.

Your son is clearly romanticising this idea, he and his GF living together obviously there are reasons why this has come about but let’s be honest the idea of being permanently together at 16 is something which most kids would want to jump at on the face of it.

On the basis they didn’t even ask I would have said no. In fact my 19 year old recently announced that he had told his gf if she couldn’t find a flat share in London she could move in here, and I told him in no uncertain terms that it wouldn’t be happening.

In fact the fact they just unilaterallly decided to move in together and that they didn’t have to ask you shows that they’re not mature enough to be in an adult relationship.

No doubt they decided that if they presented it to you as a done deal then you wouldn’t feel able to say no.

When I was at college there was a boy who lived 40 miles away from his family, for no other reason than this college did the specific course he wanted. He stayed in student B&B Mon - Fri. The college had registered b&b owners who had 2 or 3 college students staying (a sort of support network). Not sure about the funding for that, but if it still exists and I would check out options with the college now, if it all goes pear shaped at yours, she may be able to stay in the area M-Fri for college.

I think you sound like a lovely supportive mum and with your help, I hope their relationship will flourish.
In Scotland, sixteen year olds are considered adults and can marry. My aunt married at 16 and has had a lasting marriage so I don’t see anything wrong with it. They stayed with her parents until the council housed them. I’d just help them and encourage them to become independent, study and find employment.
Your son sounds like he loves and cares for his girlfriend very much. I’m sure with your help they will navigate the ups and downs of their relationship and life together.
Dont be surprised if she falls pregnant though. Again, they will make their own choices in life.

Seen your response, you still need to contact social services. That's an absolute non negotiable.

🙄. So the OP will be expected to house not only an extra, vulnerable teenager, but also any baby that results. And who will be looking after the baby while gf completes her education? Let me guess, muggins again.

16yos may be considered as adults for some matters but most of them are still immature and need guidance, and railroading them into a situation where they are forced to grow up and take on adult roles and responsibilities too early is not being a responsible parent. Yes, many girls in the past did get married in their late teens and look how well that worked out for many of them... limited education and earning power, early motherhood, limited opportunities and domestic drudgery. Hopefully we've moved on a bit.

I agree with PPs, this is not a good idea. Your instinct to help is understandable (I would feel the same instinct) but she needs a setup that doesn't rely on your son continuing to want a relationship with her. It puts her in an incredibly vulnerable situation. It will also impact both of their studies I would have thought.

I might feel differently if there were no other options but I can't quite understand why you'd agree to it before exploring them all thoroughly. I'd want to speak to SS, the college, and her father first to explore all the alternatives as moving in with you should be a last resort. I suspect your son is arguing very strongly for her staying with you because he likes the idea of living together, but it's not necessarily in his or her interests. He doesn't have the life experience to see the pitfalls and it's up to you to see them for him.

You can still support her without her living with you full time.

Who does your household consist of - are there other children? What does your DH think?

Thank you, I feel it’s right for everyone- we all know each other pretty well and she will split the time between here and her Dads on the weekend.

She seems so much happier since she’s been here and is very grateful, one of the reasons is she can go to college. I feel this is important, as well as the practical and emotional stuff.

we are quite an open family. Despite 16 being young, they are both almost 17 and mature for their age. I’d like to think that any potential problems or issues can be talked about and compromises reached.

She has mentioned how nice it is to be part of a family, she pitches in with chores and helps out with our pets. It feels right and I am confident any potential problems can be overcome.

we are a busy family with a younger son and several pets. We live in a largish property with plenty of space. DH is supportive and has given her a part time job (we own a dog kennels and she loves dogs).

I think her moving in is a disaster tbh. 16 year old children should not have a live in “partner”. Her father needs to handle the situation.

and while your son may be “fine” with breaking up with her and making her homeless, I doubt the same can be said for her. So she is essentially trapped in the relationship if she she ever decides she is over it and I doubt she will make herself homeless.

But she’s not living with me full time. I’m sorry you feel us helping her is putting her in a vulnerable position. Why would you suspect my son is arguing very strongly for her to stay? Why would you think I haven’t explored other options? Why would it impact my sons studies when he doesn’t study but works full time?

Oh dear 😅

Why the emoji to the last post? It's a very relevant point. She's effectively (though she won't realise it) having to maintain a presumably sexual relationship in order to keep a roof over her head, keep her job, and keep her education on track. I know you're doing her a favour, but you're really not. This relationship will set her expectation for every future relationship.

And why isnt your ds in education at 16?