My son told me he had taken cannabis and his school has suspended him

[SabrinaNthIreland]

My first thread and wanted to know what other parents thought about the actions of the school and of course what next with my son.
Background. A bit about my son - He's currently doing some volunteering and the leader said of him. 'He has been such a joy to have around. He is always smiling, helpful and willing. You must be so proud'. And we are. He always helps out, is very sporty (Just became a judo coach aged 16) and is great with his younger brothers.
He knows the danger of drugs because my husband told him more than a few times of the experience his family had with his brother who smoked cannabis frequently and how it changed his personality for the worse. It destroyed his parents because it lead him to petty crime and he died in his 30s. This is why it was such a shock to us when we found out he had smoked cannabis.
How we found out - The previous month his Nan had died. He was very close to her having spent the last year living with her ( we are building an off grid home log cabin so whilst that was going on we lived with my husbands mother).
He was at the start of his GCSE's and after coming home from an exam I thought I smelt smoke on him so asked if he had been smoking. Without hesitation he said he had smoked cannabis. That he had been asked if he wanted to smoke a joint so him and 3 other boys went behind the local (near school) supermarket and had a few puffs. Of course I freaked out and so did his dad. Worse for his dad as it brought back memories of his brother.
So what do I do next? Do I contact the school because it was one of the school children (same year) who offered him the drugs? My thinking was what if they offer the drugs to another child possibly younger? Are they a dealer? So it was an easy decision to make. I phoned the school and told them what had happened and what my son had said. Of course they asked the name of the boy who supplied the drugs and gave him the name my son had told me. The head of his year said I had done the right thing and that they would be in touch.
I guess I am naive but I didn't think that what I had done was put my sons education in jeopardy. Turns out it did.
Two weeks later I was called in to school to discuss what had happened. We talked about how my son has had a tough time with his nans death and how he knows the hurt drugs can cause to a family. We agreed that what he had done was stupid and totally out of character. I asked if there was any help the school can give and I was given a name of a group written down on a piece of paper and that I should look them up on the internet.
Then they told me what I didn't think I'd ever hear. They said he had been a good pupil but that because drugs was involved he will be suspended after taking his exams. I froze. I remember sitting in that room and at this news just wanted to get out. The room was spinning. I didn't argue then and said 'thank you for your time'. It was that being back in the Headteachers Office. They even had chairs that made them look down on you just like a child. All very intimidating :(
It was only when I got home and discussed what had happened with his father (who wanted to go back to the school himself and have a few words) that we looked at the schools drugs policy. Whilst it did say that any pupils caught with drugs would be suspended possible leading to expulsion it didn't have anything about if a parent informs the school of drug use.
In my eyes we did the right thing. We let the school know about a potential drug dealer that could have led to goodness knows what. My son was stupid no doubt but we thought there were mitigating circumstances for his stupidity. The death of his Nan being at the top of that list. The fact he told me without hesitation and I then told the school should count for something?
But what was also upsetting was the lack of help for my son if he did have a drugs problem. They have this drugs policy on their website and even talk about drop in sessions 'The College counsellors are happy to support students with any issue which may cause worry or concern'. The policy also states that parents should 'report any alleged drug-related incident of which they are aware to the Designated Teacher for Drugs'. What it doesn't cater for is 'If a parent informs the school or if a pupil comes forward without suspicion and reports an incident. Or make clear is the outcome of reporting such an offense especially if your own child is involved. I'll be honest if I knew he was going to be suspended I would have thought twice about reporting what had happened. Or am I wrong? That's what I am asking you. Was I wrong to contact the school? Would you have contacted the school knowing your child would have been suspended? And that this suspension is now on his record and could hamper any furthur education or employment?
I tried to speak to the College after his exams and they said there was no time for furthur meetings as Summer Break was about to start. That if I wanted to complain I should use the complaints procedure.
My son should have gone back to school today but fears that he would now be a target and if anything drugs related happens they will pin it on him and expel him. So he is here. And I don't know what to do next. What would you do?

1. You didn’t report potential drug dealers. Your reported the whole group for being involved with drugs
2. Who reported it has no impact on the schools drug policy. If it did, they would list it
3. No schools policies list different consequences or policy if a child is reported by their mum, dad or the next door neighbour
4. Schools policies do cover outside school and if a group of students were caught drinking outside school the school very well may set some sanctions. And you asked them to get involved. You can’t get them involved and then moan that you wished they hadn’t weeks later
5. No, his nans death will not impact it. If his Nans death is the sole reason he tries drugs, YOU should be getting him some bereavement counselling. We used STAR to support my dd who was heading into A level exams when my mum died last December.
6. The school are unlikely to have a personal contact at support groups. They recommended you contact the group and gave you the details. You don’t need a personal contact. A pamphlet is unlikely to make your son realise it was a bad idea, if he has not already. So call the group and find out what other support they can offer

I wouldn’t have told school or made him give me the name of the child he got it from. He is 16 not 12. Would you be freaking out like this if he’d a sip of alcohol? That can also lead to addiction.

It’s not as simple either as “ one puff can lead to addiction”. Your son is not your husbands brother.

@SabrinaNthIreland What outcome were you expecting from the school, when you told them?

It's easy to lose sight of the fact he did break the rules in the first place. If this ruins his life it is his fault solely

FFS, you think having your life ruined (his won’t be) is an appropriate consequence for sharing a joint at 16? Really?

This made me laugh

@SabrinaNthIreland So you know, we tend to know the drug dealers in a school. They will have a range of other complex issues that we and other agencies are involved in. We can't do anything unless we catch them with drugs on them and strip searching a child is not our job, nor should it be. I'm sure you have seen the issues surrounding that recently.

A child with a spliff is not a drug dealer. Dealing in school is stupid and those actually dealing drugs (in my too many years experience) are the ones who are groomed and work as runners for dealers. They are already on our radar for a variety of reasons.

That's like saying the school has a right to report a 16 year old boy to the police for having sex with a 15 year old girl because a girl in her class told a teacher it happened. It's illegal but the school has no jurisdiction as it happened offsite and NOT in their school policy.

This is exactly what a school should be doing as it is part of any schools safeguarding policy.

I would have reported it to the school irrespective of the consequences to my son. I would have made my child fully aware that i was going to discuss it with the school first. However, I'm not sure about the consequence as it was offside. Although, I certainly wouldn't be questioning the consequences for him to hear.

Why should it be a parody?

So far I have had one family member develop violent depression after taking cannabis, another friend who was a long term regular "it's less harmful than alcohol" user develop cannabis induced psychosis in his 50s and a third teenage friend find her mental health problems suddenly deteriorated (although the rest of the stuff the cannabis led to didnt help. Pretty sad is a fouth teen who has gone from a lovely smart kid with a few anxieties to a absolute cow who barely leaves her room with depression in the same month she had smoked cannabis for the first time at a party. The correlation is so strong that when my DS developed psychosis suddenly it was assumed to be substance abuse/cannabis related until I pointed out he literally was not able to get out the house without me.

We know strains are getting stronger and the detrimental impact on mental health is well documented.

Do we really think the first time the OP's son tried it is likely to be straight after an exam when he was expected home afterwards? Not terribly likely you'd go home and be spotted instantly. Usually it's at a party.

Hopefully he gets away with no ill effects. Enough do. But it is deeply naive to think it's the first time he has done it or that cannabis isnt inherently risky.

Pleased to see a school taking a zero tolerance approach

I'm glad that school are trying to teach your son that actions gave consequences, because you think he shouldn't have any, because you told the school? 🙄 What???

You made it a school issue and they had to react! It's only suspension- not a life sentence.
Sounds like they listened and understood that he is a "good" kid and not a serious drug offender and was dealing with an emotional time so have just done the bare minimum that is required. Giving out leaflets/drug therapists is over kill - what did you want them to do??

This this this. Your DS is small fry. His biggest issue is a hysterical mother. The kids on the radar have myriad social issues, nearly all of which aren't their fault.

Yes that is exactly what everybody is saying. You're not listening though.

Nobody is angry. You grassed your son up (and his mates) and expected the school to take no action? That makes no sense whatsoever.

The school already know who is involved with risky behaviour such as drug dealing. You should've grounded him or cancelled his pocket money and told him off for being stupid. Instead you massively overreacted and now he's scared to go to school.

Time to tell him to get back to school.

I’m sorry but what do you expect the policy to say? “Students whose parents report drug use will be exempted from our zero tolerance policy”?

Why can't your son get out the house without you?

He didn't break a school rule. There is no rule in the drugs policy about smoking cannabis offsite. That's like saying the school has a right to report a 16 year old boy to the police for having sex with a 15 year old girl because a girl in her class told a teacher it happened. It's illegal but the school has no jurisdiction as it happened offsite and NOT in their school policy. Nor was this type of incident in their school policy. If the school had caught him smoking drugs then that is different. Because that is covered in their drugs policy. The very fact you said you wouldn't report the drugs incident to the school if your child was going to be suspended is what I am asking. Because if most people say as you do you wouldn't do what the school asks in their drugs policy which is to inform then that means the drugs policy needs to change. That is the point I am making and you have proved it by your last paragraph.

He didn’t break a school rule. It didn’t happen on school premises. He wasn’t caught by a member of school staff and so the school were unaware of it. You took it to the school. At this point they became involved (which was presumably what you wanted to happen otherwise you wouldn’t have contacted them). You passed the information on to the school for them to deal with and the school’s decision was to suspend the boys involved. I don’t think this is unfair.

Going forward. If he wants to go back to that school then he should go and if he has trouble with the other boys then he needs to let the school know. You have done your bit with the school. It’s in their hands now.

If he doesn’t want to return to the school then he should look at college or an apprenticeship.

1. I have been in very similar circumstances with a same age child and did not tell the school as I knew whatever action they took would not be beneficial to my child. I dealt with it at home. So no, I would not have told the school.

And no one is going to be bothered that two similar aged 15/16 year olds are having a sexual relationship. That’s between them and their parents and nothing to do with the school.

You were unreasonable to assume that your son wouldn't be punished because he's a nice boy who had lost his Nan. You were naive to think that the school wouldn't punish your son under their drug policy. The drugs that he smoked was on school grounds.

I think that the school punishment was reasonable. Your son was able to do his exams and if he's not going back to this school then being suspended after exams isn't a punishment really.

My son was punished in year 11 too. As it was a first offence and he was in y11, the suspension became Saturday detention which is fair enough. I was disappointed but it never happened again.

In your shoes, I wouldn't have reported him to the school. I definitely wouldn't have named another child - if he was a dealer then I'd be concerned about my child's physical safety. It seems to be a one off for your son so I would have let it lie as one of those dumb things that people do. If it became habitual then my advice would be different but I'd assume that school only got involved if the dealing was on school premises iyswim.

If I was your son, I'd never name names in future. I remember a post on here about a family whose teen son was a target of a drug dealing school child and he had to be taken to school by car and have their child live with grandparents because groups of teens would congregate outside their home and shout abuse. You don't want to end up in that situation especially when you are assuming that offering a joint means that you're a dealer.

There are laws against drugs but in practice it's treated as "only weed" and nothing will be solved by involving the authorities like the police. Your son avoiding drugs is the best defence.

Op, I mean this gently. But are you okay, is there a back story to your behaviour?

you need to try to calm down. He had a few puffs of cannabis, you did the right thing reporting. He’s had a minor punishment and you need to get him back in school. He will not be targeted by the school and you need to try to calm him down too. If you want drugs support there are resources on line. He is not an addict who needs school to support Him.

you have turned this into something enormous; the lad won’t even go to school. Your words are SP concerning, remembering that moment freezing etc. and if you’re like this on here it must be worse in real life

Do you need support to help you cope? Do you have anyone to speak to in real life?

Schools are not going to have a caveat in their behaviour policy that says 'we won't punish you if your parents dob you in' because kids would just do what they want and then all the parents who want to be their mates would just email in to get them out of trouble.

I'd missed that the actual weed smoking happened off school site, I would think if you were worried about drug dealers in the community that the police might have been a better choice. I think you should accept what's happened and let it be a lesson to your son.

Also, if it's true that your son only tried it once I hardly think he is in need of an intensive intervention programme/mentoring/other support from the school. Have you got any idea of the budget issues schools are facing and the length of waiting lists to get student support with counselling, mental health support etc? I sympathise with your families loss but it doesn't sound like your son is really struggling in a significant way, he was able to get to exams and socialise still.

A variety of significant special needs including being a passive wheelchair user over any distance due to fatigue. Nowhere will provide him with an electric chair unless I entirely self fund, and maintain. So to get anywhere he generally needs to be pushed, usually by me. If he went out without me or his chair he most likely will accidentally walk in front of a car before he got to the end of the street.

Dont worry I'm not imprisoning him or anything. But way to miss the point, bit of an own goal focussing on that

Yabu to have told school. That's the last thing I would have done! I would have had a chat with my son/daughter and that would be that.

I doubt that there are many young people who haven't tried cannabis by this age. I definitely wouldn't have reported my child for this, bearing in mind the likely consequences in terms of action the school might take and potential retaliation for the other students you've reported.

I work with several secondary schools and without exception they have a zero tolerance policy towards taking, possessing, or supplying drugs of any kind, whatever the circumstances, and the sanction is always permanent exclusion, rather than the fixed term exclusion which your son received. Yes, a fixed term exclusion will stay on his school record, but If it was me, I would be feeling very thankful that he wasn't permanently excluded. Keeping him off school today seems very strange, and will just be recorded as unauthorised absence.

Unless, of course, you're keeping him off because you're worried that the other students concerned will be wanting to retaliate for the trouble that his actions, and the action that you took, caused them.

Not really an own goal, I was curious. You are of course right though, I could have picked on so many other points in your post that were wrong on many levels.