My son told me he had taken cannabis and his school has suspended him

[SabrinaNthIreland]

My first thread and wanted to know what other parents thought about the actions of the school and of course what next with my son.
Background. A bit about my son - He's currently doing some volunteering and the leader said of him. 'He has been such a joy to have around. He is always smiling, helpful and willing. You must be so proud'. And we are. He always helps out, is very sporty (Just became a judo coach aged 16) and is great with his younger brothers.
He knows the danger of drugs because my husband told him more than a few times of the experience his family had with his brother who smoked cannabis frequently and how it changed his personality for the worse. It destroyed his parents because it lead him to petty crime and he died in his 30s. This is why it was such a shock to us when we found out he had smoked cannabis.
How we found out - The previous month his Nan had died. He was very close to her having spent the last year living with her ( we are building an off grid home log cabin so whilst that was going on we lived with my husbands mother).
He was at the start of his GCSE's and after coming home from an exam I thought I smelt smoke on him so asked if he had been smoking. Without hesitation he said he had smoked cannabis. That he had been asked if he wanted to smoke a joint so him and 3 other boys went behind the local (near school) supermarket and had a few puffs. Of course I freaked out and so did his dad. Worse for his dad as it brought back memories of his brother.
So what do I do next? Do I contact the school because it was one of the school children (same year) who offered him the drugs? My thinking was what if they offer the drugs to another child possibly younger? Are they a dealer? So it was an easy decision to make. I phoned the school and told them what had happened and what my son had said. Of course they asked the name of the boy who supplied the drugs and gave him the name my son had told me. The head of his year said I had done the right thing and that they would be in touch.
I guess I am naive but I didn't think that what I had done was put my sons education in jeopardy. Turns out it did.
Two weeks later I was called in to school to discuss what had happened. We talked about how my son has had a tough time with his nans death and how he knows the hurt drugs can cause to a family. We agreed that what he had done was stupid and totally out of character. I asked if there was any help the school can give and I was given a name of a group written down on a piece of paper and that I should look them up on the internet.
Then they told me what I didn't think I'd ever hear. They said he had been a good pupil but that because drugs was involved he will be suspended after taking his exams. I froze. I remember sitting in that room and at this news just wanted to get out. The room was spinning. I didn't argue then and said 'thank you for your time'. It was that being back in the Headteachers Office. They even had chairs that made them look down on you just like a child. All very intimidating :(
It was only when I got home and discussed what had happened with his father (who wanted to go back to the school himself and have a few words) that we looked at the schools drugs policy. Whilst it did say that any pupils caught with drugs would be suspended possible leading to expulsion it didn't have anything about if a parent informs the school of drug use.
In my eyes we did the right thing. We let the school know about a potential drug dealer that could have led to goodness knows what. My son was stupid no doubt but we thought there were mitigating circumstances for his stupidity. The death of his Nan being at the top of that list. The fact he told me without hesitation and I then told the school should count for something?
But what was also upsetting was the lack of help for my son if he did have a drugs problem. They have this drugs policy on their website and even talk about drop in sessions 'The College counsellors are happy to support students with any issue which may cause worry or concern'. The policy also states that parents should 'report any alleged drug-related incident of which they are aware to the Designated Teacher for Drugs'. What it doesn't cater for is 'If a parent informs the school or if a pupil comes forward without suspicion and reports an incident. Or make clear is the outcome of reporting such an offense especially if your own child is involved. I'll be honest if I knew he was going to be suspended I would have thought twice about reporting what had happened. Or am I wrong? That's what I am asking you. Was I wrong to contact the school? Would you have contacted the school knowing your child would have been suspended? And that this suspension is now on his record and could hamper any furthur education or employment?
I tried to speak to the College after his exams and they said there was no time for furthur meetings as Summer Break was about to start. That if I wanted to complain I should use the complaints procedure.
My son should have gone back to school today but fears that he would now be a target and if anything drugs related happens they will pin it on him and expel him. So he is here. And I don't know what to do next. What would you do?

You said he was a good pupil, was he planning on returning to the school for 6th form? Are the other boys still pupils there?

If I were you I would encourage him to return. One puff on a joint shouldn’t derail his a-levels/further learning!

In your place, no I don’t think I’d have informed the school in these circumstances but I guess your reactions were coloured by what happened with his Uncle. It sounds like you’ve raised a balanced, well behaved son though, so this one tiny incident shouldn’t steer the course of his life…

The school did what they had to do when you told them. I’m sure they assumed he would be back after the holidays. I’m sure they have far worse behaviour/incidents to deal with on a weekly basis!

Look, for what it's worth, nobody will know or care that he got suspended after school had finished for smoking a tiny bit of weed once. Who is actually going to research or check that information? Do you think a future employer is going to check out his high school record? Honestly if it makes you feel any better, at that age I went out and got so pissed I spent a night in a police cell (police just wanted to take me home but I was so drunk I thought it was a good idea to not tell them where I lived.) I need DBS checks for my job and the first time I was worried that it would come up that I confessed to my potential employer. They thought it was hilarious. It didn't up on the check anyway. I got the job. Literally nobody cares. Everyone does this stuff at 16. The weirdest thing about this whole story is your reaction to it, but I appreciate that it comes from a place of love. It really, really doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things. One day you'll probably laugh about this.

It's a standard punishment he has shared then with people from school.

You are massively over reacting btw.

Most kids smoke weed at some point your family experience is really rare.

The suspension won't be on any references etc

It just sends a strong message to the boys

I have read what you have said, but you are trying to pull apart the policy to suit your guilt.

They ask that if a parent knows anything for them to inform the school but nothing about if your child is involved or what the repercussions would be.

The repercussions will be stated in the drugs policy - they won't put an extra line in specifically under the They ask that if a parent knows anything for them to inform the school dictating a seperate punishment because there isn't a seperate punishment. The policy would be never ending if they stipulated however many possibilities of finding out about drug use whether it's on or off site. Taking drugs is obviously illegal, and the school have a right to take action accordingly when the law is broken by a student whether it is on school property or not.

Essentially, you have misinterpretated the policy and are hoping for a loop hole that doesn't exist. I have no judgement on what choice you made - you made the one that felt right to you and your son at the time and that is fair enough. I just wanted to point out that the school seem to have an adequate policy in place and have followed accordingly. Your own guilt is pushing you to try and find an answer that doesn't appear to exist.

Personally I wouldn’t have reported it to the school whether I knew what would result or not. But bearing in mind you did, what did you expect, or want them to do with the information? And what did you expect might be the outcome for your son (and/or his friends)?

There may well be a clause within the school’s rules about bringing the school into disrepute. A pupil involved in smoking drugs after school would be doing that, and more so if it was done in uniform. Aside from that, I feel that the punishment is appropriate. It is highly unlikely to have an impact on his future, unless he is involved in a drugs-related incident again. You did the right thing. Your son was punished. Tough lesson for him, but that is appropriate too.

To answer your question, yes I would have reported him. Obviously your DH warning him of his DB demise did nothing to deter him so hopefully the school taking action will make him realise the seriousness of his actions. There may be mitigating circumstances but knowing you and the school are on the same page and you fully back up their actions will hopefully teach him a lesson.

You've said he's a good kid and that's lovely but being a good kid doesn't stop the slippery slope to being a frequent user and then an addict.

Send him back to school and draw a line under it. You did the right thing.

Ok. My first post and I have to say there are a lot of angry people out there. I guess I was looking for some guidance and yes a little empathy about what happened but it seems that is not going to happen lol.
So to clarify - From the comments I have made it seems

1. I am wrong to have contacted the school to inform them of potential drug dealers.
2. That my son was rightfully punished by being suspended even though he came to me and it was I who informed the school.
3. That despite the fact there is nothing in the drugs policy about what happens if they are made aware of drugs incident by a parent that they acted accordingly
4. That despite the incident happened off school premises they have a right to suspend my son. From that you are saying then that if a friend in your childs class tells the teacher that her 15 year old class mate was drinking alcohol in the park that she could be suspended because drinking alcohol on school premises warrants suspension then expulsion. Well that makes no sense at all.
5. That despite his nans death that should not play any part of my sons emotional state at the time and no leniency should be shown
6. That despite the school have a drugs policy and talk about helping their pupils if they have such need that being handed a piece of paper with a name on it and told to look them up on the internet that this was OK? The least they could have done was given my son a pamphlet. Or even a phone number. A name of someone at the group.

Ok well for those who did reply I appreciate it. Next time I write on here it might just be for a simple recipe rather than a real life crisis. 😏

OP, correct spelling is 'further' not 'furthur'.

Not sure she should be apologising to her son. If the son hadnt smoked cannabis she wouldn't be in this position.

It's easy to lose sight of the fact he did break the rules in the first place. If this ruins his life it is his fault solely

Hopefully he will learn from it and move on. I suspect not, and the OP with find she has bigger problems to deal with long term than a school suspension. Cannabis is an absolutely bugger. This incident should be ringing alarms bells but not for the reasons the OP is concerned. OP seems to be blithely naive

As for the parent coming forward that's neither here nor there. He smoked pot and broke the rules, whether it's you reporting him or Uncle Tom it doesn't matter.

Potential drug dealers 😂🙈 give me strength

You completely over reacted, blew everything out of proportion and then stupidly told the school.

You need to calm down and take a breath. It was cannabis not crack, he won't get addicted from a shared joint. He is a teenager, they experiment and it is highly unlikely anything bad will happen.

On the plus side you obviously have a good relationship because he told you about it. Don't jeopardise this by grassing him up again.

Your son will not be penalised further, he has already been punished. He needs to go to school ASAP so that he doesn't miss out. Either he goes to the one he is currently registered with or you need to find another one quickly.

No, I wouldn't have reported my child to the school for smoking a joint once.

If I thought it worthy of punishment, I would have punished him myself.

I imagine that your son will be less likely to confess minor infractions to you again. If my own parents had dobbed me in for trying my first joint and as a result I had semi-serious academic consequences, I wouldn't trust them if something similar happened.

This is so sad

When I was 15 the majority of people at my school had at least tried cannabis it's not to say that they would then become a full on stoner or drug dealer

I think it's been a massive over reaction it really isn't the end of the world so he tried cannabis along with the rest of the 15/16 year olds in the world 😂

It's really been blown out of proportion it's good that he came to you straight away and told you but I'm sure your reaction might put him off being so honest about things in the future

😂 I assume this is parody?
If not, I have no comment.

I’m really not seeing the posters on the thread as being “angry”. You have had calm measured responses some from teachers or those that work with youngsters so who really know what they are talking about. I think you are lashing out because you over reacted in the first place.

I would take a lesson from this to pause before you do anything and I speak as someone who can act too fast without consideration myself. Often the initial dramatic knee jerk response “call the school!” isnt the right one.

its not like he injected bloody heroin honestly over reaction

A bit of weed

To answer your question, I wouldn't report in this situation regardless of the suspension rules. But you are where you are.
I'm actually quite worried for your DS. If he stays living with you, it sounds like he would be very isolated with an off grid lifestyle. He has presumably lost his friendship group and also the child/adult trust relationship (in both directions). Why you thought of taking on a off grid lodge project during your son's gcse years is beyond me, but right now you need to be looking out for him and help him make the right choices. He is only 16 - no old enough to make his own decisions without the right guidance. Forget the guilt and make sure things are ok for him going forward.

Wow. You really need to calm down.
maybe smoke a spliff

Your teenager had a puff or two of weed and this is the reaction ? Quite ridiculous

You state one puff can lead to addiction - you are very wrong and this kind of misinformation does not help. As a parent of a teenager, you have a responsibility to inform yourself of facts so that you can educate them

Also, you basically grassed up your own child so good luck with expecting them to ever trust you again

What did you expect to happen?

You have massively over reacted and potentially damaged the relationship between your son and yourself.

Nobody is in the least bit angry. If anything this has been rather amusing. Nobody has done anything but answer the questions that you asked. (Albeit not with the answers that you had hoped for.)

I get that you are anti-drugs due to what happened with your brother-in-law, that's totally understandable, and I get that you was shocked when your son told you that he had tried a joint, especially with a history of substance abuse on his paternal side of the family, but I think you've created this situation by reporting it to the school, I don't understand why you did that? Couldn't you have dealt with it within your own home? You should be pleased that your son willingly told you, you shouldn't have snitched on him to the school, drug abuse makes users sneaky as they try to hide their habit, the fact your son was honest and told you he'd tried it is good, he sounds honest and truthful, hopefully that's the end of it now, from what you say he sounds a good kid, I wouldn't worry, as others have said, draw a line under it.

Good Lord, no wonder he had a smoke! you sound very full on!

He had a few smokes on a joint, he hasn't joined a doss house and become addicted to heroin!

Massive over reaction, and totally ridicoulous.

Myself and many of my friends smoked pot in collge and uni, grew out of it, and all now have families and very good jobs.

Weed is not the highway to hell, however, over bearing and irrational parenting would be more of a concern!

Most school behaviour policies that i have worked with will cover behaviour on the way to and from school, especially if in school uniform. Without this, schools couldn't intervene for instance if a fight between two students occurred on the road outside school at the end of the day.

My old school has suspended students on multiple occasions for smoking cigarettes on the way to and from school, or for being found with smoking paraphenalia in their possession. Cannabis would have been taken even more seriously.